"The Great Journey"

[False_Dragon]

The Great Journey. Part II

I have come to the realisation that i have for too long been trying to live other peoples lives for them. Everyone i meet has problems, and they seem to come to me about them. And i'm forever trying to help them.

Fate is not without irony, and consequently, my own life suffers as a result of this. It is time that i stop trying to help others, and focus on me. Time to live my own life. For me, myself and no other. From now on, if i do something, it's going to be because i want to do it. Not because someone asked me too, or because it'll benefit someone else... For me.

This is going to be my "Great Journey". This time, a non-physical, but a more personal, and perhaps essentially a much more meaningful and important one. Something that has significance to me... and perhaps it could rub off on others.

There are things that i want to do, that i have realised i can do. There are places i want to go, people i want to meet, some from these boards. I've realised there's a whole world out there... and i want to face that... head on.

"This is where the Council will witness the consecration of the icon, the start of the Great Journey" - To the arbiter.

[False_Dragon]

The Great Journey has been re-evaluated. It is now changed. see above.

[False_Dragon]

And i'm still unsure of what exactly it is i want.

I have conflicting ideals... the urge to be free, to break my social constraints... But then i feel utterly confined with my moral values.

[False_Dragon]

I have made a decision.. to be free of any contact with the opposite sex... for the time being. Well insofar that it won't go anywhere... I'm so sick of this endless cycle of pain, and broken trust.

[False_Dragon]

Fuck-ing-hell.

I just thought that... I can't live my whole life avoiding the opposite sex... Because then i'm living for all those bitches out there who hurt me in the past. No. If i am going to start living for myself, then i am going to have to take chances. Chances on things i wouldn't have normally.

So, last night, i went out to the movies with my brother, sister, a mate and his sister, and i know she likes me... Suffice to say... I took a chance on her.

I now have a girlfriend! :)

Good thing is, she's one of those who are "waiting" just like me, and wants to take things slow. :) So, i can hold out my virginity, and not have to worry about losing it "by accident"


Plus... She has absolutely stunning eyes. :D

[False_Dragon]

I have to re-cap here. Because i haven't told the full yet very funny and interesting story.

My mate that i went to the movies is called Tristan. I am called Trystan. Tristan is going out with my sister. And i am going out with his sister.

And she's awesome! :D

[False_Dragon]

There is one thing... one issue niggling me. It's about my girlfriend. She's great, she's nice, she's bloody hot. But the thing is, as much as i really like her... I know it can never be the kind of relationship i really want. I don't know... maybe this is a severe mis-estimation here on my part of her... But i doubt she could ever understand me. For who i truly am. My thoughts and feelings about everything, my philosophies... my questions. My life as it stands.

I have everything i want and more... Yet why do i still feel so... alone?

[False_Dragon]

Well.


... I've been dumped. fuck.


"I really really really like you, and i don't want to hurt you, but i don't want to go out with you."



fuckity fuck fuck with a capital F U C K

[False_Dragon]

There is one thing... one issue niggling me. It's about my girlfriend. She's great, she's nice, she's bloody hot. But the thing is, as much as i really like her... I know it can never be the kind of relationship i really want. I don't know... maybe this is a severe mis-estimation here on my part of her... But i doubt she could ever understand me. For who i truly am. My thoughts and feelings about everything, my philosophies... my questions. My life as it stands.

I have everything i want and more... Yet why do i still feel so... alone?

I wasn't without my doubts. And to be honest, she wasn't the one for me. It still hurts, granted. But as with all things, that's the way things often are. Another aspect of the "Great Journey" has changed. Though i must admit, i've been a cynical bastard.

Time to move on. With a more optimistic outlook, i shall add. Tally-yo good fellows.

[False_Dragon]

Well, a colleague from work is setting me up with one of her friends. :D great! Could be interesting. It's time to see what avenues of oppurtunity are really out there.

[False_Dragon]

It's funny, it seems life is throwing women at me, most mainly unsuitable. ugh, it's just a load of crap. And something else... I remembered something about my past that may have some kind of... significance... but i don't know how yet... keep ya posted dudes and dudettes.

[False_Dragon]

14/02/05


I am so fucking depressed. Another valentines to be spent alone. Am i incapable of being loved? Is there something about me that just makes the girls want to run away? All i ever wanted was to love someone. And all i ask was to them love me in return.

You know what? i'd kill myself if it wasn't for the fact that i'd probably go to hell, for the fact that i think God's a massive fucktard.

I've never truly been loved. And that's all i've ever done.

[False_Dragon]

Shit, my brother. He has no fucking money. Is in debt several thousand fucking pounds, does nothing except for go to College, doesn't have a job, won't get a job, and borrows tonnes of money of both our grandparents.

And yet, he still manages to go out and scab money so he can go out with mates, and get pissed, while i sit at home having worked my butt off all day. See I work my butt off, but he's the one that gets to do what he wants.


Oh, and this "set up" Well my colleague is one of those people who goes out with people she doesn't know. So she expected me and her friend to start going out when we met.

nu-uh. I'm not like that. I will only go out with someone if i have feelings for them. Because otherwise the relationship means nothing.

Goddamn it. It's like i'm in a crowd full of people staring at me, but when i turn to look at them, they look away, and turn their backs on me.


Well, fuck them.

[False_Dragon]

My ex wants me back... i don't know what to do... Something weird... I was looking through a new magazine and said silently, i bet the next page has a very obvious indication of who i should be with... and it turned up with the place name of my crush... (NOT MY EX) Fucking weird.

[False_Dragon]

anywho, apart from that whole crush thing and place name... which was very fucking weird indeed... I'm really thinking about giving this set-up a go. I mean, she may not be Liv Tyler, or Miranda Otto, but she loves reading (I'll try converting her to WoT) and she loves videogames.

First thing that comes to mind... Al Borland - "I don't think so Tim"

No fucking really. She loves videogames. What a fucking plus. So, we're all going out to the movies next saturday, but i'll see her tomorrow at work. :D:D

[False_Dragon]

Uh-kay... It isn't going to work. She's a fucking alcoholic. She's a 13 yr old trapped in a 16 year old body.

So, i went to see her and everyone else after work last saturday, with one of my mates (who's called Tristan, i'm called Trystan)... Funny thing is i'm trying to set him up with Lucy.

Went to the pub for lunch, had some awesome food. She (the set-up called Becky) didn't talk much to me, then complained to Lucy (my colleague responsible for the set-up) that i wasn't interested. We finished lunch, then Becky had the bright idea of getting drunk....




...In the middle of the afternoon :confused::confused::confused::confused:




So, Lucy tried going to the shops to buy some "Lambrini (girls just wannna have fun)"... but didn't succeed in getting any. Being 17 and all. So they all made me buy some, straight after. I must "wanna have fun" on a girls drink. I must not be in any way related to the group of underage girls trying to buy the same drink...

But i managed to get it in the end. :dozey:

Lucy left an hour later, leaving me with Becky and Tristan. Becky was completely pissed, me and Tristan had to leave anyway.

Lucy wasn't really interested in Tristan, And i wasn't really interested in Becky, so kind of failed effort there.






...But to completely compound th problem... I have feelings for Lucy. Still. And i only realised this yesterday. I like two people now... And i don't know how either feels about me. And i don't wanna fuck up my friendship with Lucy, because I've only just started hanging with her and her friends, after work... : :cry: :cry: :cry:

[False_Dragon]

So i told a very good friend of mine that i had feelings for them, this person would be the "crush" i've been talking of lately. I think on some level it was the right thing to do... But then again, it wasn't. I didn't want to make her life any more confusing than it always was. And in that sense, i feel guilty.

Kiri convinced me that i should tell her, and for a whole hour while i wrote only a few words... i couldn't stop shaking...

...But at least i stood up in the crowd, instead of lying down and letting people trample me. I am starting to live more for myself.

I hope, really hope that i haven't messed her up even more than she already was. And maybe she's afraid, maybe i'm scared too.

And to you: You are who I want you to be - you. *hugs*

[False_Dragon]

Not much in the land of not-so-nod-like... Maybe i should do some game revies on here, to add some variety and spice, seeming as i fucked up with the whole "i have more than one reflections thread, i'm so fucking cool"


uhh.. right... :confused:


So, i can't rant, but i can talk about work and shiznat, because the cat diaries went the way of the poo-hole because of certain irrelevancies, and i crapped it up, plain and simple.

Tristan is now called Badger. This is because my dad knew his initials were TB the same for tuberculosis, and found out a way to blame him solely for the outbreaks of it down here. :p


Movies tomorrow. Going with Badger, Becky, Lucy and one of Lucy's friends. Don't know what we'll watch, but highly likely Becky'll get pissed before the movie even starts... oh yes, she'll find a way.

On monday i'm heading off to Exeter (two hours away) to participate in a Cats Protection endorsed Cat behaviour course. three of us are going, me Lucy and the new person. The new person can drive, so she's driving us all up there. Of course we all live at least half an hour from each other, so by the time she's picked us up we'll aready have had an hours journeying done already. Fuck. Solution= I sleep at Lucy's overnight, and i get a lift to the shelter in the morning with her where new person will pick us up on the way.

Now apart from the apparent convenience of this set-up, I have nevr slept over a chicks house before, let alone a single hot one... And i'll tell you J'Lo has nothing on that ass... *clears throat* And at the moment she's into being really single.... and stuff... *cough* well, i'm not sure how i should... well... act.





As a final point. I AM A NERD!


Thankyou, and good day...


...Or good night, good morning, or alternatively fuck off, depending who you are and what you're doing reading my blog :D :p

[False_Dragon]

I lost a post? what the fuck?

[False_Dragon]

I've been told for week now by "we all know who" that it wouldn't work. Yeah it was a fucking stupid idea to tell her in the first place, because i'm bound to fuck up somewhere along the line, right? And so for the past week over and over... i keep hearin "Trystan, it won't work" "it can't work" "I'm sorry it won't work".

So i realised that by being an ignorant bastard, i could be hurting her even more. so i listened. Yeah, it could work. But only if the two parties are willing for it to work. And she wasn't. - "it won't work Trystan" - So i accepted what she said. Obviously i can't change my feelings just like that. I stll have them, but it's acceptance that on her part, it couldn't work.

So i tell her. And in turn it seems she may just have changed her mind, and now i've hurt her even more. So, there we go. I fucked up.

So what am i to do? I thought i would stop hurting her if i listened. And i tried so hard... and i fuck up, and now she's angry at me, for doing the very thing she told me to.. and now i'm afraid i've not only lost some semblance of no longer being alone... but a good friend too.

[False_Dragon]

...........................

[False_Dragon]

The reason i accpeted what she had said was because i was scared i'd lose a friend. and look what happens when i try to do the right thing. Some "Great Journey" this is.

[False_Dragon]

Well, things have taken a turn... you know you're on a road on the side of a cliff and the corners a weaving in and out threatening to throw you over... and then all of a sudden, a turn comes. One that you're not expecting, one that should by all rights fling you far out to sea, but instead end up on the mainland, surrounded by that which you most wanted. Yeah, it' a crap a allegorical analogy, but hey, it does the job.

So yeah, guess what? Raven has agreed to see if something between us can work. I really hope we can. Soooo... now i'm off to Ireland to see her :D:blush: I'm excited, but at the same time, nervous... What do i do, what do i say when I first see her? I'm afraid i'll clam up or something, or end up acting like a dick because i'm desperately trying to cover up how nervous i'll be. Or maybe I won't be nervous, i highly doubt it... But i think it would be best if i tried to just be myself and go with the flow.

On another note, my mum's new dog is pissing me off. You know what? There is just something so inherently wrong about a dog that's smaller than a cat. I realise now, that after working day in day out with Cats, i've come to resent dogs. Yeah, i suck. I used to love dogs, but there's just something so much nicer, so much cooler, so much everything about Cats. I love 'em.

Now, i got a Nintendo 64 the other week. My years of being a nerd and a gamer are paying off. I can look back into the past of games and appreciate the games even more. No matter how aged they may be by todays current standards. Perfect Dark is the best FPS ever made, Goldeneye coming a close second. Better than Halo/Halo 2, better than the Unreal games (which i don't like much anyway) better than Deus Ex, better than the rainbow six games, better than Ghost Recon, better than Escape from Butcher bay.

Now, my only problem is... I need to find an expansion pack for the 64... otherwise Perfect Dark won't run and i have to play multiplayer... by myself. *grumbles* Well Ebay is my friend.

Anywho, that's all i can think of from the top of my head. Have a great day folks.

[False_Dragon]

I watched Fight Club the ther day. Awesome movie, and far more cerebral than i imagined it could ever be.

I got fairly depressed the other night... And i almost drank myself to sleep. I realised i have self-esteem issues. *duh* I'm always thinking... how is it possible anyone can like me... I went through this with my ex... it's because of my years of being bullied, having people shove that kind of crap in my face. But i fear, without bullying i'd be someone different. I'm not afraid of many things, but i am afraid of if things had been different, i'd be completely someone else. I wouldn't be me

Having realised i have this problem it's time to stop thinking this way. :) People can like me.





Whoa... i feel like a great weight's been like... lifted. I feel a hell of a lot happier than i did moments before.. i feel great!

[False_Dragon]

shit. This feeling creeps in again, this pain this hurt... I found out from the 14 yr olds mum that she's gone missing. Everyone's worried about her, and so am i. I told her sister about what had happened with her... god, she's so upset. Everyone has tried to help her.. and she doesn't listen.


And fuck... this entire thread is all about me whining about this that and whatever fucking else. goddamn it.

Why the fuck do i care so much? Why do i hurt like this? I am desperate for an answer. My mum told me her mum was like me... she cared too much, and beared the weight of many problems like i have... and mum tells me i'll be like this for my whole life... So fuck the "great journey" right? what's the point?

I think the questions in life can be answered by one thing; cycling. When i'm cycling i'm free. Just me, the road and the music i'm listening too. And i just go with the flow. It's fucking beautiful.

[False_Dragon]

I hate that, when I make a post when i'm upset or angry about something. Yeah, i told her she was going to fuck up her life. but in the end, she has to deal with it, she has to make her own mistakes. She's a friend, but i don't know how much of her i can rake.. and i'm on the other side of the world... I'm going to cut her off before too long, i don't deserve this, and i don't have to deal with it, not anymore.

So anyway, it's all booked:D. My flight leaves 10:15 on a monday morning. arrive in Dublin roughly an hour later, hopefully Raven can make it up to the airport to meet me there, :blush: otherwise i'll just be on my lonesome on the way down. I'm pretty excited... heck it's only next week!

anywho, we'll see how it goes!:D:D:D

[False_Dragon]

Everytime i log on here, there's an icon at the left hand of the screen, and i keep thinking: "Hitman - awesome" It looks similar to the Hitman logo from the videogames.

Good day at work. The usual cleaning, and then some. We had a cat that pissed under it's bed, so we have to remove the bed to fit in a litter tray in the cabin. I pigged out on biscuits, simply because i can. Actually, i've got a reputation for that. We have a biscuit tin, and it's always full. An endless supply of tea and biscuits... *drools*


Cycled home, went on the net and here i am.

On another note, this time next week, i'll be on a bus.

[False_Dragon]

i feel good today, actually realy good. chatted to Raven:D and i've got some stuff for my boss.

ugh. I found out one of my friends went to a party and snogged 3 guys in one night. she's only young, and i worry that one day she's going to get herself into trouble. And she drinks a lot. If there's a party on, she'll try her hardest to get as drunk as possible before she even gets there. She's going to do something she regrets... and i don't want to be there when she does. She's going to have to learn by herself, i just hope she does learn.

I feel like a gamer again! These past weeks i haven't played much videogames, and lost that special feeling in my heart aww diddums. But i feel good, and raring to play some halo 2.

Now, which... Brothers in Arms? or Resident Evil 4. On one hand we have a game that i've been waiting for since i first played a WW2 based game. But i have grown tired of doing the same shit in every new WW2 game that comes out. But hopefully this is different. It got varied reviews from 80% to 90% so not all bad at all. And then there's Resident Evil 4. It's apparently a masterpiece.

Music is good. Ah life.

On another note, this time next week, i'll be climbing some mountains, hopefully. :D

[False_Dragon]

I am so damn bored right now. I was going to have a massive anime marathon with some DVD's but dad told me to pretty much piss off away from the TV. So i find myself on Wotism.net for the whole freakin' day. ugh.

Some old friends from Oz are organising some weird set up where they're going to embarrass people.. Get this guy to run around town doing crazy weird things like dancing up and down in town with a fairy out fit and pretending he can fly. There's a cash prize, obviously, if he gets everything they want him to do, done.

Boredness. Is there a cure?

[False_Dragon]

I was writing on another forum that i frequent, and the topic of depression and suicide came up. I didn't want to write anything, but i ended up writin a hell of a lot. I think it's relevant here, my "Great Journey" This marked the point where everything changed for me...

I suffered from depression too. I don't talk about it mainly because it's never came up.

I was teased a lot in school, and for the most part, i felt extremely isolated, that noone was there for me, and that i had little future ahead of me. I had extremely bad grades during my depression, i just didn't care, couldn't, and the teachers told me i'd end up in a dead end job, with nothing. So that made it worse.

I tried killing myself once. I was in a classroom, and this teacher told me off (with good reason) I flipped. I grabbed the nearest thing i could find and tried to sink it into my chest. Luckily it was only a pen. Ironically, i was in a cooking class at the time, and there were many knives about that if they were in reach, it could have been a different story.

I ran from the class and told a teacher what had happened. I got myself together and continued with mys schooling, but i never went to that class again.

The depression didn't end there though. I had lost an awful lot. I had lost friends, i had lost direction and my faith in God. Which to this day i still don't have. I became so anxious one day about my future that i broke down and i destroyed my room while in a fit of uncontrollable sobbing. After this, i acn't remember much, it was a blur of endless nights of tears, and days filled with good memories of friends being supportive in their own way.

I can't remember any definitave point where i came out of the depression, because like i said, it was just a massive blur of emotions.

I do know that there was one thing that got me through it. I didn't get treatment, but i did stick to one thing. My animals. I volunteered at animal charities for awhile and that helped a lot. My friends stuck by me, and so did my family, and that's all i could ask for.

At the end of the day, i came out alright, but a great many don't. I lost a lot, including my faith. I guess i feel that God turned his back on me. The one thing i do know, is that if i hadn't gone through the depression, and didn't have that experience... I wouldn't be the same person i am today. What i learned througn the entire ordeal is that to get through this journey that is life, you have to stay true to yourself, and find your own identity. Because at the end of the day, noone can ever feel the same as you, and can never truly know you for who you are. all you have is yourself, and what you make for yourself. So make it a good life.


*stops before getting all teary*

[False_Dragon]

my next post...

I'm completely fine now, i have a greater respect for life and people... Just not God. I am not depresssed, and i am completely happy with who i am. I found myself. I am who i am, and i would never ever want to be someone else. The one thing that scares me the most in this world before anything, is not being myself. If things were different, if i hadn't of moved to Australia... Or if i had gone left instead of right... i would be a completely different person.

This is what i've learned. Everyone is different, no two people are the same, don't try to be like someone else to fit in, be yourself, embrace you individuality. Because that's what makes you special.


I am me. And i wouldn't want me any other way.

[False_Dragon]

I guess i've realised i've come a long since those days. wow. But there is still something i don't know... or something i don't have. It's what i'm chasing, that eludes me constantly... Maybe it's completeness? maybe it's love?

It's that feeling that i'm not alone... It's that dream you had, but can't remember... It's that word that you have on the tip of your tongue... It's everything and it's nothing... It's out there, and come heaven, hell, rain or shine, i am going to find it.

[False_Dragon]

Enough introspection for now! gee, that's more than any sane person can take!

Tomorrow i leave for Exeter. Where i will stay at my uncles ex's house overnight, and then proceed onwards to the airport monday morning, and then i'm on a flight to Dublin! I'm really excited! It's weird because i wasn't the past week, i have no idea why, but now it's just like hit me!:D:D:D:D

A week in Ireland! With the leprechauns and mountains and stuff. :D

So yeah! all good.

Beware innovation!
In other news, i got Resident Evil 4. My faith in videogaming has been restored. I was so tired of the relentless bullshit and politics involved with gaming these days. All the news blaming videogames for violent deaths, the corporate hostile takeovers (EA go fuck yourself, Ubisoft did not need that shit, fuck you.) and then there is the relentless monotony of videogames becoming cardboard cut-outs, carbon-fucking-copies, of the last million other games.

And then comes resident Evil. An original game. A game so good, i played for 8 hgours straight, and only thought i had played four. wow, even Halo 2 didn't do that. Halo 2 played 8 hours straight like 10, and the game was finished. I'm 8 hours into RE4, and barely a quarter of the way through it.

The narrative is suberb, and the characters, while cliché, stand out as their own. The pacing is great, the boss battles are tough, intuitive and very very memorable. This is quite simply, the best game i have ever played. It's good, very good.





next subject. I CAN'T WAIT! :D

[False_Dragon]

Well, i'm now sitting at a computer at a college, in Ireland:D:D:D. I'm having fun so far! It's been great. No pics yet. Soon... maybe. :p

[False_Dragon]

Ok, i'm tired. I couldn't even have been bothered to write up what happened yesterday... but i guess i should let you lot know.

On Sunday afternoon i caught a train to Exeter. It was a fun lager-filled 2 hour journey :shattered:. Having arrived at the station on the opposite end i was picked up by my Uncles Ex. (she's fucking hawt for a 40-something) Anyway, i had to endure several hours f her talking of the past, and about my uncle. It's cute really, I really think they want each other back, they've known each other since they were 11, it's a sad bitter-sweet story. Anyway, I went to sleep, then woke up Monday morning and got a lift to the airport.

Now, the flight was cool, it was supposed to be an hour flight, but it took half an hour. :tard: wth? Got to Dublin Airport, all excited... Heart-jumpin-out-of-my-throat... Then i saw the size of the airport. Holy shit. It was massive. How the flying fuck (Pun-intended) am i going to find her in this massive place?

We had set up a meeting point. A bookshop. Yeah that great! fine and dandy... Ok, problem. There are three bookshops there, and it's a massive place.

Anywho, after an 3 hours of waiting around, i decide; "ok, i'm going to stay at this bookshop, it's the on most visible from the entry point. And i go in and start "reading" some books. Nevermind the fact that anyone even so much as walks near me, i jump a fucking mile. And i wait. I wait some more, then wait outside the store. Then all of a sudden my jitters start to fade and the untimely realisation sets in... She ain't coming.

And then all of a sudden i see Raven, walking by, smiling, and then into the bookshop to hide.

I've been found!:D:p
So, anyway, enough of my rambling about how great Raven and Ireland is... Wait for some pictures.:D

[False_Dragon]

Ireland was great. I gained a lot, and i lost a lot. I gained some good friends, and i lost my virginity, I gained knowledge about myself, and i lost my wallet/passport/phone... Damn muggers. I'm really really glad i went and i'd post more about it here if I wasn't unsure... I don't know... i feel like i've lost something, lost something when i left Ireland, and now i just feel empty. It feels weird sleeping in a bed by myself again, even if that was only for a week. I was told that i should move on with my life when i got home, and it's harder than i thought, but it was asked of me and thus i shall endeavour to do. Even though it feels like i'm seperating my heart in two, and distancing from the greatest week of my life. Even through all this, i do understand why, and i know that's it's probably for the best, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

[False_Dragon]

If you hadn't figured, i'm an over-sentimental bastard. Which is why i whine a lot, and henceforth could probably be to blame for my like for Emo.

I got my new bike on tuesday. 24 Speed Mountain Bike, Aluminium frame, with Hydraulic Brakes, Quick release rear and front axles, and pretty sweet tires. The bike itself cost me £50 second hand, (bought for £700 first hand) off a mate. I had to buy more parts though, a chain, rear gearshift, a cap for the handle bars... and it cost £65! more than the bike itself!!


Pics up soon.

[False_Dragon]

I've started hanging round with my mate and his lot a fair bit lately, it's all good, i'm getting a social life now. Going to the pub, or on a cruise or like today going Karting. 5 races round a nice sized track, getting caned by everyone else because they're better drivers than me! I crashed, going 40mph head on into a tire! This guy overtook me in the chicane and but we both spun out, and he came out top. He was right in front of me and i was determined to overtake him, and i lost all periphery. I misjudged the bend and WHAM! I sat the race out for a lap waiting for some guy to retrieve me.

Anyway, awesomeness fun.

[False_Dragon]

Wow. last night was just... wow. I was upest about one thing or another, and i realised something. I was just really depressed last night, i finally told my Mum about how I felt about my Dad. It was a relief, as i had only really told one person about it before. She wasn't surprised. I also told her i was thinking of moving out, that i was just so sick of his bullshit. But unfortunately the logistics are impossible at the moment. so fuck that.

but yeah, a weird night.

[False_Dragon]

So now my Mum thinks i'm depressed, and also my grandparents. Hopefully my grandparents don't know about what i told mum... they'll freak. I feel trapped at the moment, and i'm this close from grabbing my bike and riding off into the sunset. I need to get away.

Well anyway, I'm off to the movies tonight with a mate and Lucy and one of her mates. Well, hopefully, Lucy pushed me to go, and now she keeps postponing it till the next day. But anyway, we'll all have a meal a few drinks and then see a movie, probably Constantine.

If not, fuck it, i'll go out with Tristan and the crew..

[False_Dragon]

This is what i've learned. Everyone is different, no two people are the same, don't try to be like someone else to fit in, be yourself, embrace you individuality. Because that's what makes you special.


I am me. And i wouldn't want me any other way.

The thing is... It feels like just being me isn't enough anymore. fuck.

[False_Dragon]

Had a big talk with my brother last night. And it kinda hit home a few things. I've been living in the past, i gotta move on. I'm insecure, and i drink too much. In other words he thinks i'm slowly going off the rails. Well, he'd be right. I gotta stop this shit. Right now i'm a moody broody person, i can't just get up and smile at something. I think even Raven noticed i could be a bit moody at times. I think too much about things, and i have too much time for introspection, which ironically is what's holding me back. i'm going to lift my head up, and cheer up.

Blarrrgh, Lucy postponed again. Tonight she says. Ok, whatever. We'll see how it goes. Anyway my mate reckons i should go for Lucy's friend, she's pretty much my type, likes metal and alternative music, likes the internet, and she has nice eyes. Well, we'll see how it goes. Anyway it'd be funny to see my mate and Lucy getting it on. :p

[False_Dragon]

blarrrrrrrrrgh. Lucy canceled in fact, she hung up on me while i was on the phone. what the fuck? I call up, ask what's going on and she says she's skint and then hangs up. I did offer to pay for them but maybe that's what did it. Fuck it. Friends take me the wrong way. I'd love to hear her explanation for this one.

[False_Dragon]

Ok, so me and my mate did end up meeting up with Lucy. problem being, we didn't go to the movies at all. But any way, Lucy and my mate are now pretty much hooked-up. heh.

On saturday we went to see her again while she was babysitting. Becky was there. ugh. Becky and my mate (we'll call bart) got snuggly, and we watched the Incredibles. Awesome fucking movie

Went to see Lucy and her friend on Monday. I was pressured and thus fairly embarrassed to chat Lucy's friend up. Because of the embarrasment, i didn't. fuck. She's hot, loves my kind of music, has a lip ring, and has pretty eyes. so I fucked that one up... Or did I?

Talked to Lucy the next day, what do i find out, her friend thought it was funny that i was embarrassed, but was nonetheless still interested. She's not ready for a relationship she says, and frankly neither am I, but Lucy says we'll probably hook up like that. We'll see. As a general rule i never have much luck with the ladies, so fingers crossed. I'll see Lucy tomorrow, and from there i'll know more.

[False_Dragon]

well maybe i did fuck up... I got depressed monday morning, and wrote up some pretty depressing shit. ie: my sig. The interesting thing is now i've decided to write a story, possibly a book, and sell it, get lots of money and rule the world, about it.

[False_Dragon]

So i didn't fuck up. Lucy just lied, that's all. Lucy told me her friend fancied me. She didn't. Lucy also told her friends that i got kicked out on the street in ireland after one or two days. ugh. So i talked to her friend, me and her, becky and Tristan went for a drive, leaving Bart and Lucy to their... "devices". It was good, we just sat round in the car at mcdonalds talking and eating. But yeah fuck that, no woman for me.

[False_Dragon]

bwhahaha... apparently Bart was "too heavy" on Lucy when we left 'em. She's worried that he's just in it for the sex. I think he's just in it for the sex, as does everyone else, but he maintains his innocence.

Got completely smashed on Saturday. We went a mates house to gather, then we went to the Pub. It was a mates birthday so there was no excuse to not drink. We had a drinking competition with cards... but it got boring so i stole a shot anyway. Heh. Then we had some drunken karaoke. I got up with three others to sing "like a virgin". I couldn't sing it, so i decided to scream the chorus death-metal style. The punters were not happy, lol. The guy who's birthday (call him elvis) it was got a little girls bicycle, and when we all got bored of playing pool and wacking people with sticks we went out to try and ride the bike. I tried to ride it, me being th "Super cycling dude" But it was tooo small. I broke the pedals, they slid off. then me brother tried getting on, but this guy pushed him off into a reat big puddle! and then he threw the bike. Anyway, about 12:30ish me my brother and tristan left because i had to work in the morning (even though i was almost paraletic). But not before running my brother over with the car. Heh, i was in the car, and so was tristan. He started reversing and then my brother tried getting in, the car door pwned him big time.

We got home about 20 mins later, and i woke up in the morning still drunk! and ccycled to work and worked while drunk too. heh, fun night.

[False_Dragon]

I'm very very tired after 3 consecutive nights staying up late and going to work early in the morning. Not to mention i figured that i'm hung up on this chick who definately doesn't feel the same way. And also some one i know knows something.. maybe something really bad, because apparently i'll hate them for it. That's not fair. You don't know how i'll react to whatever it is, I've only ever really hated, what 2 people my entire life? For very strong reasons. And now i'm having fucking deja vu looking at the screen, what the fuck. So you don't trust me enough to be reasonable, and you shouldn't just say "I know this, you'll hate me... oh i'm not telling you" where is the trust. and i get the feeling i'm being ignored again. And i'm barely fucking coherent typing. That's how tired i am. I'll get some sleep... when i'm dead. blargh. I'll be going to a club on thursday with some mates. And i am going to pull. I am going to set out to pull and have a great time and forget all this crap.

[False_Dragon]

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Lucy says this chick does fancy me! But she's banging a Gay dude instead.. wtf? Yeah, you heard it right, a heterosexual female is shagging a Homosexual Male. wow. Like what the fuck? It doesn't make sense and it boggles the mind to no end. But Lucy talked to her and she says the chick just wants to "wait and see" hmmm

Well today i went to work off my own back, no pay. My reward? I was taught how to ride a Moped! Spent about an hour driving round a field scaring the crap out of Lucy and the assistant manager because they thought i was going to crash and end up in casualty. It was fun! And yeah i did crash! :p. I had the throttle on too far on second, put it down to first too early, and was heading straight for Lucy, the Boss, Martin and the assistant manager. I tried to break... slammed the front brakes on (with wet grass lol!)and the front whel slid out, i panic and revved the throttle. heh, i got thrown off it, and everyone else nearly ran a mile. i hurt my shin a bit, but apart from that, it was good. :D:D:D:D lotsa fun today!

[False_Dragon]

Last night I went on a cycling mission with two mates, went to this guys house and stayed there drinking beer, realised it was late and too dark to ride home so I crashed there. Got up in the morning at 7... the guy said "i'll be up for 8" so i woke up an hour earlier because i thought he would too, and i'll be damned if he didn't make me breakfast after cooking for him on countless occasions :p And he didn't get up till 8. ugh.

Cycled home and just as i pull into the driveway, theres a fucking brown ugly collie looking at me with evil eyes. I thought "oh shit" and it attacks me. fuck. ow. I try to get away down an incline but then brake to get off and kick the living shit out of it. I made two very important mistakes. 1. i braked with the front, 2. I braked to hard. I landed after flying high in the sky with my legs tangled in the handlebars. Ouch.

[False_Dragon]

Going clubbing tonight. Should be good, and i'm going to get slaughtered, especially as it's a pound a drink night. :D:D:D:D

[False_Dragon]

Fucking-A! Awesome fucking night. Best night out clubbing yet (apart from the first :confused:) We got to the club and it was me and my mate Las. We start drinking at 6 before we left, then went to a bar, then went in to the club. We stood around a bit, then Las saw a friend of his. Oh yes, lots of hugs and "hi's" and "How are you"... then i saw this girl who looked a little shy with them. She was fit, and i mean damn fine!:D Anyways, Las told his friend that i fancied her friend. Mouthful? So they said, "yeah she's single" Las broke the ice for me, and i probably wouldn't of said anything, but i'd look a right twat if i didn't. And i really liked her, so what the hell, right? Asked her if she wanted a drink, at first she said no she's got to be sober in a bit, and i said ok, taking the hint... then her friends yell at me and say "she wants an Archers and lemonade" And i say sure, but i ask her anyway, and she says "yeah" . so we get talking, both fairly drunk. We talked about everything from how crap things are in school nowadays, english, cycling, philosophy, books, and my book too. We start snogging in the middle of all that, to the amusement of Las.

Se, Las, he has this "reputation" as a ladykiller. Mainly because my brother and Tristan are fucktards and told him he did. But he didn't have a very succesful night. well in that respect anyway. And he didn't help himself by coming up to me everynow and then to grope me, and bite my shoulder. fucktard. heh, during the entire time me and this girl were talking her friends kept coming up to me and her and telling us to "get a room".. in a nice way? lol

So got her mob number... her home number, she even told me roundabouts where she lives, and i'm not sure about this and what it means but... she asked me to her leavers ball in three weeks. :D:D:D:D

I texted her this morning, she told me to text, so i'm waiting for a reply, but i think she's in lectures now... oh well, see how it goes!

[False_Dragon]

uh.. crap. Friday morning... no text

Friday afternoon... no text

saturday morning (at work)... no text


Ok by this time i'm starting to get just a tad depressed here... I get Paranoid and tell Lucy to text me. And funny thing is i don't get it. hmmm

I'm getting stressed now...

One of the volunteers turns up, we ask for her help, she calls a number and gets the vodafone helpline.

still no texts from anone... i call the helpline, they tell me to take the battery and SIM out and put it together in five minutes.

...


Ok the tension you could cut with a fucking knife. no fuck that, you couldn't cut it unless you had a supa-dupa-lightsaber at which point it snaps back and anhialates your face...I'm depressed and fucking rigid.

...

5 minutes.

I rush to the phone and put it back together, and turn it on...

5 seconds later... *BLING* you have recieved a text from ****.

I just screamed... YESSSSS! I was shaking afterwards..

Anyway we've arranged to meet up tomorrow, see how it goes... i'm really excited!:D:D:D:D

[False_Dragon]

Met up with her, it was good. We sat round in this cafe for 40 mins just talking, then she forgets she's got to meet her friends outside the cathedral in town. We stood around standing closer and closer :D(it was cold) i was about to hug her and then give her a kiss...:p but her friends turned up.:( crap!

Anyway, i texted her while i was out with some mates, saying "It was nice meeting up today we should meet again soon i really like you wondering if you feel the same. x"

She didn't text back till the next day... she needed credit on her phone. But she really likes me too, she says! I'm gonna ask her out on friday, see how it goes... fingers crossed :D:D:D:D

[False_Dragon]

Ok, so i didn't ask her out. What happened was this: I get to the shop we were supposed to meet at (1:30pm) and wait...








































an hour later...




















...fuck. :(

I text her, saying; "hey i'm going to go now don't know what happened why you didn't show up, but don't worry, get back to me as soon as u can"

She rings me 10 seconds later, says "I'm at the shop now, did you get get my text?"
what text?
"I texted you saying that if we could meet up later because i had a hospital appointment"
Ah riiiiight, that would explain it, my phones fucked up of late. But ohwell... well hey, i'm still in town...
"Do you still want to meet up?"
Yeah, yeah, course i do. (duh)

...So i run half way across town, and into the shop. We have coffee and talk again... I had completely forgot about asking her out, and instead, can't help looking at her gorgeous eyes. We talked and then she asked me if i wanted to see a movie with her and her friends, sure i say.. i think i came across too keen, but oh well.

So she'll text me soon as to whatever's going on. :D:D:D:D



On a completely un-related note. Why the flying fuck do i get asked to buy a 15+ videogame? I'm 19, not fucking 12.

Oh melodrama!

Elections Labour won. bastards. At least the lib dems are doing better, with 59 seats, and my county is now entirely Lib Dem constitual. Sexcellent.

I'm still preparing my book... now i keep getting fucked ideas, and questioning the laws of causality... so it will be a mindfuck if there ever was one. Apparently i've made my brother sick a few times, and made him a little upset. He thinks i could quite possibly be insane, and thus need to see a shrink... But if i don't exist, then how can I see a shrink, furthermore, how do I know the shrink exists? And what if he doesn't and i do? And what about the building he's in? How can i reach floor 13 if it doesn't exist? likewise what if there is a 13th floor, it's just called 14 because of silly superstitious crap... but then, how can it be proven that 13 exists at all? If it's nothere to tell me it exists then it can't... but then Numbers are purely constructs provided to explain mechanisms in the world... they don't exist anyway...

Ok, isorry about that.. insane? You tell me.

[False_Dragon]

So anyway... Fucking Las!


Oh melodrama!


Ok, so yesterday was Flora Day. The most quintessentially Cornish day of the year. yay! It's a festival celebrating the coming of summer, and thusly the flora it brings to life, hence it's name. So what's so Cornish about it? Everybody starts drinking at 7 in the freakin' morning. bwhahaha. Yeah, fuck that. I wanted to go. But i had to work.

Anyway, this girl i'm seeing went. and so did Las. Not together, thankfully.

Later in the afternoon, after work, i went down to see Lucy and co. It was good, we ended up in these woods, jumping off the side of a hill with this piece of wood and rope, managing to get 20 or so metres up in the air. While we were doing this, i called Las. He was fucked. The he said: "awww teej, i saw your girl!"
cool, nothing i already don't know...
"yeah yeah, i wents up to her and said, like stuff"
shit. this could be some trouble... what did she say
"She saids she wants to bung you upsh the ass"
very nice.
"Yeahs, she really likesh you"
So, Lassy boy, what did you say
"Hahahaa tee heee"
What
"hahahaa, i went up to her and said..."
Oh shit, this might not be good, he's laughing at me.
"Teee heee, I said to her, are you the scottish chick TJ's shagging?"
so this is the bit where my heart sinks to the depths of hell and is thrown into oblivion.

[False_Dragon]

On a side note, i'm taking a leave of absence here on wotism. i'll still write my journal, and i'll be on msn if you wanna chat. but for the moment, anyway, i won't be around on the site. laters.

[False_Dragon]

It turns out Lass was very very drunk and messing around with me, he didn't really say that... or so he says... But i'm supposed to be meeting up with her today.. but she hasn't text me back since yesterday. either she's got no credit, or she really is ignoring me.

[False_Dragon]

ok so phone is fucked. Makes rattling noises when shaken. haven't heard from the girl. Almost got attacked by the same dog that attacked me a few weeks ago... i feel like shit. I want to drink myself a-fucking-way but there's no beer left. I don't know where i stand with this girl at all... Which would help because i'm going clubbing tomorrow and don't know whether i should go as a taken man... or go as a single free and happy guy.

I'm totally fucked. My thoughts are getting way weird recently... i'm beginning to think i am going clinically insane. I'm paranoid, deluded, and completely fucked with this illusion of a life... We live in this world where information is everything, knowledge is power, and if you don't have that knowledge you are left helpless, stranded in the seething mass of blind sheep, minions to consumerism. I am so fucking lost.

[False_Dragon]

well, i guess i'm back to the old me. pretty much down all the time, and thinking outside the box. For a second back there... you could actually have mistaken me for normal. bah, what a fucking riot. No word from the girl. ok, fine, i'm going to go clubbing, and if i pull someone, i pull somone.

[False_Dragon]

Weeeeeeeeeeell.

What a fucking night. I get to Lass' house at about 3, we sit around talking for awhile... then at 5, we start drinking. a bottle and a half of Hoegarrden and some poxy shit stubbies from cheaps-ville. So i'm pretty much fucked before i even out a foot out the door. I text the girl during this, saying "hey we're going clubbin, wanna come?" she texts back a bit later saying, "i'm already going" cool fucking beans it is.

So we meet up in the club:D. i go "hey can i talk to you a sec" So we wander away from my friends, and i say...

uhhh hi...
great start there.
You don't like... have a boyfriend do you?
Oh fucking hell, could i come up with anything more stupid to say!?!?!
I was wondering if you... wanted one
Oh yeah, real fucking smooth, smooth-boy.
like maybe... me?
Finally we ask it.

She said yes.

Anyway, i got off my face and when my new girlfriend left... i dived into the bar.. weeeeeeeeeeeeee!


Shit fucking hang over though, still got it and it's almost 4 in the afternoon... and Lass wants me to come round and drink again tonight... and there's a party on tomorrow. well, we'll just have to see. I'm not up for drinking tonight though. :confused:

[False_Dragon]

Got dumped.


exams she says.


fuck.


fuck that.


fuck everything.

[False_Dragon]

So, for the record: Shortest relationship ever.

hmm, it's funny, it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. It's really either one of two things.

1. I've fully accepted the fact.

2. Or i just don't fucking care.

I can't tell which. fuck it... i just need to get laid. this weekend, preferrably.

[False_Dragon]

I am synonym of emotion.

[False_Dragon]

What is emotion anyway? Not derived from the divine as many "believe" but a chemical response to external stimuli, like swearing, or getting punched, or being told by text that in half an hour you're going to be stood up. All external stimuli invoking an emotive response... so am i my response? Or am i my external stimuli.

I am the punch that hits me.

[False_Dragon]

Then should i not be the arm?

Or then the reason?

I am the reasons, the ties that bind.

[False_Dragon]

I am synonym of reason.

[False_Dragon]

Anywho, i at this second have a friend working on getting me a shag. ya hoo, prolly one of her friends, no doubt... or maybe her. ;):p

[False_Dragon]

Bah, no result... i'll just try my luck clubbing next week. I don't want to shag someone like that... I still like that girl... and i desperately want to get back together. but the ball is in her court... maybe it's a matter of waiting it out till she's finished exams... i'd feel i was cheating on her if i did.

You know, i dreamt about her last night. I never dream of girls i like... never.

[False_Dragon]

Oh melodrama!

Friday night.

Ok, so there was a party on at a beach. My sisters after-party for her school leavers ball. I went and i met up with one of her friends. I drank, I pulled. :D then i pulled two other people. :D but i can barely remember that. ;). Anywho, this girl wants to meet up tomorrow. She's really nice, and my sister knows her. We've been chatting and she's trying to get into animal care/veterinary nursing. So we have a passion that we share.

On that note, my 6 years of experience in animal care is starting to pay off. I'm applying for a Foundation Degree in Animal Science - Animal behaviour. And i've pretty much been garunteed a place.

Sexcellent.

Also, now i've got fingers crossed for meeting up with this girl, but i'm not holding my breath. And i swear to god, if she messes me around like the others, then i'm going off the deep end. Declare a "Jihad" on relationships. I'm sick of the pain, the effort, the worry, the tension...

...When i'm at a party, i'm me. I just am. There's no worry, i don't have to think about what i'm doing, i just do it. I am the me i strive to be, but i don't strive for it because i already am.

I am the kiss that raises the hair on my neck.

So you see, all this confusion, all this crap chasing girls is not me. It's me trying to be something else. Something i want to be but not. I want it, but it doesn't happen. When i don't actually want it like that and work for it, it happens.

I am the butterflies in my stomach.

It's hard to get across, i know... To just be is such bliss, not ignorant as i cannot be anything but me.

I am.

[False_Dragon]

So she cancels... Something about her mum not letting her out during exams... bah... i dunno with this one. She seems sincere, moreso than the last girl. Well we'll see.

I'm going clubbing tomorrow and if i decide that she's not interested then i'm diving into... well a sea of single drunk students.

[False_Dragon]

Oh fucking melodrama!

So i hear from the grapevine, (being my sister), that this next girl is also going to mess me about. Nuts. And all her friends say it too. "Your brother should stay away from her"... She seemed sincere. Figures don't it?

Well... another one. I'm surrounded by women who constantly hurt and betray me. She hasn't... yet, but my sis says she will.

I have a plan. It's something i've done once in a similar situation. There was a friend of mine called Steph... She knew i was head-over-heels for her and with that she used me for every little bit i was worth. Sound sad? Get this, i knew. the whole fucking time. And every time she used me for something... my estimations of her lowered... that one of my "good friends" would do this to me. And i manipulated her into a position where she broke down, she deserved it because she put herself in that position... i just manuevered events so that she would... It's the most subtle deception and manipulation i've ever seen.

I'll do it again.

On the condition that i get confirmation... And this time i'll know... I'll be looking for the signs.

I'm sick of being surrounded by deceitful women. If she is like this, and i pray to fucking God/Zeus/buddha/nakedvacuumcleaners that she isn't... she seems really sweet and nice and... but that's what i said about the other one... isn't it?

i'll be at my wits end after this.

[False_Dragon]

Ah, i knew it would happen eventually. The main storyline for my book has pretty much come together. I know how it can work now, I can fuck up the readers sense of reality no probs, i can make it confusing and mind-fucked... but some of the original ideas will have to go away... But that's the price of coherency. I'd rather it this way than a convoluted mess of a mind-fuck that noone will understand except for me. No, i like this new bit, plus it has more human warmth to it. Which is something i'm not exactly known for in my thinking. But there's enough room for a real mind-fuck of a twist.

Yee-haw. :D:devil:

[False_Dragon]

She messed me around.

[False_Dragon]

Ok, so last time we met up we pulled. it was nice, it wasn't really drunken or anything... then she's texting me and all happy nice really sweet and all... then i go to a party she said she wasn't going to, and she was. Ok whatever. Then she ignores me... then tells my sister that she thinks i'm ignoring her.. so i talk to her... she's getting cosy with some dude... So i'm a little cautious. they walk away together... so i think... fuck? why the hell not. so i pull some randoms. And now she's angry at me!

She still wants to see how things go.

Time to play the game.

From now on, no fucking woman is getting in the way of some fun, if she likes me, she can hurt, because in my experience that doesn't happen. I'm a nice guy. Girls don't fancy nice guys. I'm a nice guy...







Not fucking anymore.

[False_Dragon]

Ok so i'm doing that whole teetering over the precipice thing... one side is a fall into absolute despair and depression... the other side is a fall to anger and drink fuelled pulling madness where i could hurt the one who might be the one without knowing it...

And i can't hold on for much longer.

[False_Dragon]

Ok, this week should be going off. Beach party on wednesday. Clubbing on Thursday, then drunken camping with mates on Friday. Up till then it may be pretty boring, i'll try to go out tonight but i doubt it... Heck it IS half term for the college students. Fucking-A.

Sunday night= got a call round from some mates at 10 o clock to go pubbing. We go to the pub we were supposed to and they had already left. Fine, so we went to the next pub we could think of. We met up with two mates there. My brother was with us and the funniest thing happened! My mates were with the fat bird who my brother lost his virginity to!!! And we made him go in the other car with her, lol!

We couldn't find a pub that would serve us after 10:30... so we went home. :(

[False_Dragon]

beach party today. Oh and i'm gearing up for summer.. got a whole load of new clothes.

[False_Dragon]

hmm... so haven't posted in a few days. So i'll just copy paste from my other journal... that's way messed up.

Well i don't want to be different. I don't particularly care about being with anyone at the moment, so long as i can get something. But i don't want for that either exactly. There aren't many things i want to take back, but i'm sure there are. And i don't care if i want or don't. It's not that i want it (lol) either way... I just don't care at the moment... It's not happiness. it's almost a state of limbo.. stuck between wanting and not wanting.



To cut
To draw
My infested skin raw
Seeps the blood
dripping
black on the floor

Feeling
Repugnant
Redundant
Revulsion
As my life,
my essence
came from hence
dries without feeling

Peeling
the skin
the * up flesh revealed
my
self.


Ok, so that was weird... i got really... depressed? yesterday afternoon... I started kicking and punching things for no apparent reason. I knew this wasn't good so i tidied my room. Focused my energy. afterwards i felt this desire to cut myself... which i incidentally had a sharp blade in my hand. I realised this couldn't be good either, so i wrote that poem instead. so weird...


artemisia absinthium

Yesterday i had a total epiphany moment, At the beach with two mates, and my sister and her friend (they all seemed quite cosy). Well as they were all kinda 'coupling' together, i got depressed and went for a short walk to the top of some sand dunes. On the way i looked down at my feet and the footprints i was making... Suddenly the "Footprints" proverb came to mind... something about it struck me, as i stared into the setting sun. The bit where the guy thought he was alone, but really God carried him through...

then i realised, is my life not like a footprint? Every grain of sand a person everytme i step into i move, shift, and affect another living being. Powerful realisation. Like a pebble dropped into a pond, my life, my existence creates little ripples in other peoples lives.

I exist.

I am the cause, the effect, the reason.

And finally... the cause.

My lack of so called "self-esteem" can be contributed to one major cause. not wholly the cause as i am certain there are contributing factors, nonetheless, the reason for my slump.

I have been used.

By every one person, mainly the women of my life, they use me and step on me and mess me up inside.

Mary, Lucy, Jane, Rhiannon, Morwenna, Sam, Steph, Megan, that really fit one i can't remember her name... Used for money, for attention, for distraction, for jealousy, for livelihood, for friends to do "stuff" with.

And i'm sick of it.

My certain belief that i don't exist is an obvious reflection of low self-esteem, in this case, very low self esteem. I will of course think of messed up things and be a so-called free-thinker, but not so depressing things.

Now i know, i can finally make things right or at least, as things go in my life, try.

[False_Dragon]

So, things get weird. And then some.

I have a secret. A big secret. One that may destroy my friends, family... or make them stronger. A secret i have kept to myself for five long years. But it's kept building up and i can't keep it in any longer.

I have cancer.

Or at least i think i do.

I've been to the doctors today, after five years of hiding it. And the doctor couldn't find anything wrong.. even to the point of feeling the lump, and he couldn't feel it... the one that is steadily growing, and steadily scaring the shit out of me.

I'm getting a chest x-ray. if there is something wrong, and they do find something, i'm going to hit that fucking doctor who said he couldn't find anything. And i know it will.

Oh and not to mention if it is, i still have to wait 62 days for treatment. So that sucks fucking big-time.

I feel fine. I feel great. But this is a shadow on my life i can't bear any longer. I hope it's just a benign tumour. But it's definately something.

[False_Dragon]

Went out clubbing last night..

Worst night out ever.

Ok so everything was great till i got home, that's when things went down the shitter. I was paraletic, and i kept on crying about aliens coming to get me... I don't remember this at all, but i was probably hallucinating if i was going on about it (Or pre War of the Worlds hype:rolleyes:) and then i decided to smath my two front teeth to pieces.

Worst pain ever.

Got them fixed up though, still hurts like buggery.

[False_Dragon]

Oh and i forgot to mention i went to see a psychiatric nurse. Apparently i'm getting out of control... and i feel it too.

[False_Dragon]

Ok so got the x-ray. Now the doctors don't tell you on the spot if something's wrong... no, they let your GP do all the talking, if there is or if there isn't. I have to wait a further 10 days for results now.

[False_Dragon]

Haven't been out clubbing since, but i have gone on a cycling pub crawl, which was fun. we were going to go clubbing last night, but we couldn't find a way to get to the club. I was really looking forward to it that night so i was pissed off, but then a mate decided to try and get me drunk in order to cheer me up.

Needless to say, it worked :D

[False_Dragon]

Ok, so hopefully going clubbing monday, finally! I've got twenty quid to last me till friday... and on Thursday it's my mates 18th bash at another club. We're gonna get him fucked. Still this requires money, and since i'm skint i'm going to resort to my usual way of getting money. fast. By selling my xbox games.

[False_Dragon]

it was funny, he was sick. before he got in the club. and it had nothing to do with alcohol either. poor boy.

I woke up to a fact last night. a realisation that dawns on you and explains you're actions for the past several months, and realise that the only way is to move on, nomatter how hard. Filled with despair, yet how come letting go is the hardest thing?

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy.


And pretending that i'm ok. ok in my head, in my heart. to everyoneone else. and i'm not. and i still hurt. it still hurts.

[False_Dragon]

Boy, should i ever feel stupid for wasting NHS resources. But i don't, screw them, really.

Ok ok, so i got the all clear.:p

Good news? well it's not like i really believe them anyway. But it'll do for now, and guess i oughta celebrate!:D