To the eyes

[Fyrygrl]

Well I don't have much to say today. I am extremely tired and I jsut don't know what I am to do about some people. It is very confusing and I don't have a lot of time so later

[Fyrygrl]

Well, I have made my dad royally pissed off. I went to my brother's concert thingy, and I forgot to write a not, and when I made it home, he lit out on me. Needless to sey he gave one day to "straighten" up my act. One night I didn't make dinner, he automatically says that if I don't be 'good' I can leave. :grumbles: :mad: One night!

[Fyrygrl]

Well, it is Friday, my friend just grad. from boot camp. Oh joy. Well, it is really cold here, I know that I should be used to it considering that I lived in Wisconsin, but it is FREEZING! So anyways, I was on earlier and my dad's exgirlfriend or current one ( who knows anymore) her son asked me out today.....Sheesh. I know it sounds stupid but jeez, I dont know what else to say. So I didn't answer him. Not like I really need that pressure. Sounds shallow, but I don't date people that are younger than me or shorter. Now the Shorter thing is really shallow, but imagine sitting on their lap............You see what I mean. Younger guys, well that's all that needs to be said. No offense to the younger men here. Well anyways. Dan is pretty lucky, maybe he will get lucky soon too. ;) :whip: :2eyes: I didn't day anything.....Dan is a sweet guy....................you know you are. Hide under the covers indeed.......I would like to hide under the covers.....................eventually....LOL I am listening/watching Finding Nemo. Well that is all for now i guess. Lates peeps

[Fyrygrl]

Well it JUST started snowing, and that's all i have to say, other than SNOW LOTS!

[Fyrygrl]

Wow. This is like really cool. I don't have school for the rest of the week, plus the weekend of course.... And I get to spend time with my family. YAAY! Well I am happy and yet at the same time I am feeling horrible. Well, I have hurt someone that cares for me, and yet, I have someone in my life, who amazingly Calls Me. It is the biggest miracle cause normally, no one calls me, or at least he doesn't. He's called me everyday so far, well since sunday. It's really cool. Or at least i think that it is. :cheers:
Well I am sorry Dan that I am jurting you. You have no idea. I guess that most of us are bitches, but I don't really know. And I thank you for the no pressure......I really don't know what to say.
Well, my friend is being bery stubborn. I askedher if she wanted to do something with me and my boyfriend, but she seems to be doing that thing where she is being all virtuos. (However you speel the damned thing). Like I don't wanna fuck up what me and soandso have, like she hasn't already. The girl has cheated on him twice already for god sakes. :eek5: :grumbles: :confused: I mean wow. Now she is being all perfect. Now I have to find another girl that I know, and won't feel inadequate with...You know what I mean? Oh, well. Well I got to go look at other stuffs. Lates then

[Fyrygrl]

sigh** Well tomorrow is my little brother's birthday, he'll be 8. YAY! Well not too much is goin on right now. I have officially decided to NEVER hang out with Sam again, cuz well everytime I do, I seem to ALWAYS get into trouble. Well I am glad that it wan't about me Dan. Although I know that I HAVE hurt you. I am sorry.

sigh** well I am in a strange mood. I feel like I want to just go to sleep or jump in a river, either one sounds good to me. Well I finally made an agreement with my dad. Oh Joy. If I am a good little girl at home and at school, then I will get to see my boyfriend during Christmas. Not bad but hey. I hope that I can pull the being good thing off. Dad has nightshift this week.....hint hint Dan. If you do understand my hint, call me sometime AFTER 5. K.

Here is the reason that I am no longer going to hang out with sam. I went over to her house right? Well i hung out with Betty for awhile, then i helped sam with the cleaning of the downstairs. Then she left to go with James.....and then I was trying to get a hold of my dad, but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo the phone was unplugged or the ringer was turned offf. Well I couldn't get ahold of him, so anyways, igot invited to watch some movies, so I went with them and watched them, they were good by the way. Well I fell asleep through the last one we watched, and I didn't get up till 10:30 and decided I was going to help her babysit....BUUUUT I forgot to call dad. Chris called my dad looking for me. and well i wan't at home, and dad wasn't too happy with me. :dozey: :grumbles: :eek5: well isn't that surprising. Well i got home and me and my dad had a nice little discussion and made a few deals. Well there is my whining/whatever for the day. ttyl

[Fyrygrl]

Well It is now Friday, and I am going to stay up ALL niiiiight........yeah like i could do that.... :dozey: LA LA LA LA LA..... I talked to my boyfriend last night, and it was really wierd. I think. We didn't talk too much, but it was nice to just sit on the phone with him. Earlier that night though when I first talked to him, he was really angry, because of his ex girlfriend. I hate her, she is such a bitch. She took his money, she now owes him like over 700 dollars. Plus the WHOLE FRICKING TIME she was with him, she was fucking around on him. That is rude and inconsiderate.

Sleepy........You are getting veeeeery sleepy.........Well laters. :eek5: :confused: :tard:

[Fyrygrl]

Monday...................what a bore................lets see. I talked to my boyfriend and his friend.....figured some things out, and if i think about them......then it is a good thing.i will explain this i think. okay get ready to be confused.......

there's this guy and another guy and my boyfriend and his ex.......
this guy told him that his ex went to a party with this other guy as bf and gf when they went as friends. well he blew it out of porportions....and they broke up.....anyways if this guy hadn't interfered, then he wouldn't have broke up with her and gone out with me. and i think that is a good thing, unless he decides he made a mistake and i lose him and he decides that he doesn't love me anymore. that would suck alot. you know???? :confused: :eek5: :blue: :furious: :eek: :sign:

[Fyrygrl]

Well let me see. Dad says that I get to see my boyfriend.........in like a week and a half.............. :blush: and I am SO excited!OTherwise I don't have too much to say..................lalalalalalala :eek5: :confused:

[Fyrygrl]

I think that I am having the worst day ever. Don't ask why. First, my boyfriend is ignoring me......which is fine.....I'm used to being ignored. What I DON"T like, is not knowing why I am being ignored, So today I thinkI have been the most calm person in my entire life. It isn't something that I really like, it just is right now. I will go away and quit my whining for now. :cry: :dozey: :umm: :chaos:

[Fyrygrl]

Well, I have cleaned the house tonight, or rather today..... NOt bad. This may come as a shock to some people....but sometimes i really do like to clean. Well to be a little more truthful, i like to clean a little more than i am letting on....not much mind you.....jk

well, I get to go home Tuesday.....I am SOOOOOOO glad. I mean, the trip....the driving part REALLY sucks, cause the drive is a total of 28 hours....ugh.... :dozey: so my way of getting over the whole boring part of the drive.....I get the most rest on vacation......YEAH! I sleep the ENTIRE trip. Don't believe me? Ask my dad and brother. :cheers: :D

[Fyrygrl]

I think that this Christmas is the worst yet... I have broken up with Chris. I did it because he gave a what the hell are you talking about to a friend of mine when he asked if he and I were dating... Apparently he is dating Jenny. I don't understand the things he does. What's worse is that I am the stupid ass that let him do it twice to me. ~Fool me once, Shame on you; Fool me twice, Shame on me.~

I don't know what the hell i was thinking. So, for awhile I think that I should be alone. Very alone... I don't understand and frankly I don't care anymore. Men as far as I am concerned, can go Fuck themselves. Those men out there that read this. Don't take offense... It isn't meant towards you.

Dan, Will I get to at least see you this Christmas? I am happy for you finding Amber... :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cheers: :furious: :mad: :kill: :omg:

Well, I don't care anymore what people think and how they act. I have a feeling that the longer I care, the more They will walk all over you. As far as everything I have done to you, Dan, I am deeply and regretfully sorry. I want you to know so much of my thoughts and feelings, but I can't.

I feel cold inside, like something died inside. I don't know if there is nothing there, or if there is a slight flicker of a flame. I sound like I am whining about what is inside me,but I really don't think that I am, I have thoughts inside my head, and I have nowhere else to place them.

Thank you all who read this and feel no pity towards me, and think that I am a sob story waiting to come out.

[Fyrygrl]

Well, I got back from WI on Monday night. The trip was long and boring, but enough about that...

Lets see...I talked to Chris the other night, and to tell ya the truth.....I felt nothing except maybe anger...So I haven't talked to him since then, and I really don't care...

I got to see Dan on Tuesday... It was really nice. It was funny, when he first saw me, he recognized my voice, but not me...You know? Then we hugged.....awwwwwwww... well Dan, sam, christene, and I hung out during the rest of the lunch hour, and as I was getting out, I got a kiss from him :blush: :D . Well, yeah. Lets just say I wasn't completely there during my weights class.

Sam was mad at me again. NOt that it is very surprising. She is ALWAYS mad at me for one reason or another...She beat me up yesterday because I got to him first if ya know what I mean... :D :dozey: ;)

[Fyrygrl]

Well it is Friday, actually it is Thursday, but tomorrow we don't have school, which is good. Well, I don't have much to say. The other day we got a snow day at school, in Carlin. So like little kids that we act sometimes, Cort, Daniel, Austin, and I began to build a snow fort! That was fun, actually, I do n't know why though. Tom Lehrer-Poisoning Pigeons In The Park......

[Fyrygrl]

I have been entirely melancholy for about a week now.

Last night I had a dream that I saw both Dan and Chris. Well in different parts of it. In the part that I saw Chris, I met his entire family, and I was in my house in Hayward. Well, when I saw him, he looked different. Actually he looked grotesque. He was huge, and yet he had the look of someone losing A LOT of weight you know?

Now I don't think people who are fat are gross, don't get me wrong, but he was a handsome person when i knew him, I am sure he still is, but when I saw him, I was repulsed.

I don't know about that. Before I saw Chris, Dan was in my dream, and it was wonderful. I don't quite remember it, but I remember how I felt, and I felt peaceful. That's all I can explain.

Oh well, until next time then. :whip:

[Fyrygrl]

hmmm. I got off cause dad wanted to check his mail ya know, and then i made him some sandwhiches and got back on and dan was gone, and i was sad again. Figures. So yeah, I am gonna be with dan real soon. Just wish it was yesterday....You know?

Well, I gots stuff to do and will be back laters you know?
:rolleyes:

[Fyrygrl]

If I could pick a hell, this would definitely NOT be it. I have friends telling me one thing, i got my head, my heart, and everything in between saying something. I give up. I won't know any man, I won't know anyone. I will go to Canada and live in the woods with my little cabin, and my shotgun and hide away from mankind. They all suck, every last one of them! They can all go to hell. I quit! Why you might ask? No one rightly cares. And those who do, shouldn't. I Fuck everything up, I ruin good things and I can't even keep my head on straight. I can't make ONE FUCKING DESICION! NOT ONE! I don't care, but wait, if I didn't care, what the hell am I doing here whining about it. HUH! I hate men, Two in particular. One in MAJOR PARTICULAR. I lvoe one guy. But wait, there's another?

will finish this later after laundry....ugh

[Fyrygrl]

So I went over to Sam's house yesterday....being as she let me use her washer and dryer, cause the public one SUCKS!. Anyways, dad calls at 8 and i am not done yet, so I ask that if it is late when I get done, can i stay the night. I didn't get done until like 10:30.....I talked to Chris....fucker.......i am so mad right now STILL!!! He asked me how it was with dan, and well i was not answering the question. well i finally do, because he had another one, THEN he asks if it was worth it....Worth it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What the hell kind of question was that? A lagite one he WOULD THINK!. ; odiyj okay. Then he says, " I'lll talk to you tmorrow." Half an hour later i call him, and said, " NO, I am not going to wait until you supposedly call tomorrow!" anyways one of us hangs up. I bring poor Sam into it and ask her to ask me how he feels about me.....He never answeers the question by the way....anyways i was asking to decide on my next action. Sam is a good friend, even though at times it doesn't seem like it is. She yelled at him and tried to make him understand things.....He told her that I had no right to do what I did. She said that if i had known what the fuck was going on then none of this would have happened. I don't know why this is bothering me, maybe unknowingly i was still harboring feelings for him. God knows i don't want to, cause all I seem to get is hurt and i am sick of being hurt. Last night after her conversation i think that i was sane. If you think about it, everyone who says that they are sane, they are insane.....I had a lovely conversation with Sam's big stuffed monkey....and he talked to me back... In the words of Uncle Kracker....Don't know how not to love you........ :cry: :confused:

[Fyrygrl]

First things first....



HAPPY BIRTHDAY DJ!!!!!!!!!



Second things second....


I have learned that me and Chris will never truly be, but first I have to find out some things and straighten them all out....I really hate him by the way....He cheated on me....lied about it, and said that he wasn''t.....THEN HE HAS THE BALLS TO TELL ME THAT I HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT!!!! oh well, he can go fuck himself. HMPH!

M legs hurt, i never hurt them before, and I want to go home, so i think that I will.

[Fyrygrl]

So anyways, I wake up this morning at 5:30. And, Oh MAYBE Dan is up... So I go to call him, and his phone is off...at least i think it was... so sometime this morning i leave him a message.....i was half asleep mind you, and I don't remember exactly what I said, but i think i whined just a lil....make no comment please..... :eek5: :2eyes: :dozey: :confused: So yeah, today is good so far, except that i haven't had my dosage of talking..... get it????? I hope not, cause i sure don't want it.... ;)

[Fyrygrl]

Here I sit all brokenhearted,
Tried to shit...
But only farted....


HAHAHAHAHA......So here I am talking to myself......Thinking of nothing. Actually, I have nothing imprtant to say. Except for the fact that I had A LOVELY yelling match last night.....It was great, but enough about that....so uh, yeah. Later. :D

[Fyrygrl]

So I read the The Eye of the World.....Now I am frustrated cause no one will answer my questions that I have.....But oh well, I have to wait a day or two to get the second book to read it and find out more....EEEEEEEEK! I am excited about reading it......So I am doing nothing, in fact i am bored beyond the end of the world.....

[Fyrygrl]

I talked to Chris yesterday, and we were actually civil :cool: But when he said that he was going to go to sleep.....I hung up without even saying goodbye. hee hee. :confused: :D :dozey:

[Fyrygrl]

Well, nothing going on here....lallalala

I am painting once again.....YAY! I am also onto the second book...The great hunt...good so far....

[Fyrygrl]

Hello!

Well I got a good grade on my correspondence and my dad FINALLY let me onto the computer....YAY! I was really glad that I was allowed to get on, but next time it is an A that I have to get, and I can, casue I like to get on the computer.....lalalalalalala :D

[Fyrygrl]

Well I know that I haven't been on here for a long time. So maybe I can catch up. Um My birthday is in 7 days. YAY! and On the 25 I am moving out of my dad's place. My ex boyfriend is getting married soon. Which is funny cause I found out the other day, and all i did was laugh and tell him that i was happy for him i guess if he was happy. He said that no i wasn't and that I was pissed off. Thanks for telling me how I feel...you know? :dozey: I left a message on his phone yesterday I think it was. saying that I'm not mad, actually i don't care. have a good life and uh goodbye.....After I did that, it was one of the most freeing things I have ever done :cheers: . So everything is good right now I think. If it gets bad oh well cause everything is all good.

[Fyrygrl]

I had a complaint about my reflections.....I never talk about Dan.

So, today I dedicate my chatter about him.....Love you! I am going to spend a whole week ALL BY myself and him. A whole week. And I am well aware of the fact his bed has ropes.....I look forward to it.. ;)

I am in a good mood today cause i got to talk to Dan this morning. His phone was off yesterday. And it really sucked, cause my day was not good and when I got home, I was bored.

Is that enough?

Yesterday I called everyone and no one wanted to talk. I was going to call my friend when he calls. That was strange. Anyways he complimented my looks.... :2eyes: :eek5: :confused: That was nice of him, and we bullshited for awhile when he said he had to do some things. Marines. They can't multitask.....That's ALL I'm gonna say....

[Fyrygrl]

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I had a wierd day today. A guy I know that NEVER talks to me, talked to me twice today. WOW!

That's all I have to say.

[Fyrygrl]

Well, of all things possible in the world of Sam, I am jealous......Incredibly jealous..Not just a little....A LOT!

Not joking either...but i won't get into it...I am never talking to chris again! ever nope not once...

I hate men, and i hate feelings and I think that i should have been a man.


Don't ask....or you can. but i might not tell you

[Fyrygrl]

I am going to leave the things in my head right now alone. But I thought that I would just come here and say HI AND LOVES to people here who know me.....or those who care....

[Fyrygrl]

Well, long time no write. I am not doing too much. I don't really know what is going on in my life. Oh well I guess. I talked to Chris last night. He called me back twice. Amazingly.

I got to talk to Dan for a few minutes. The whole time though I felt like I wanted to cry. I do know why, but I don't think that I am going to say anything at this point in time. Don't mind me. I don't think very good things anymore. Well I do.....You know what? I am gonna shut up and quit whining, I get myself depressed.....

[Fyrygrl]

To love
you must cry
To know
You must learn from mistakes...

I don't know much anymore and what I do know, it doesn't feel good. What I feel is pain. What I think is horrible. What I know is my naivety. I know my loss. I know my heart and soul. But do I know what to do about any of it? No, I don't. I won't even try to figure it out.

For the longest of times, I thought if you love, you love one. Never more, never two. But if they are the same in each other? What do you do then? How do you keep from loving them both. Or either one of them. How do you hide what you feel from the one that knows you better than anyone. If they know you inside and out? How do you hide from yourself?

I love two men. They are one in the same. Only they wouldn't ever think so. I know this too. I hurt one, to try to make it work with the other. I lost him because I wanted the other so much. I wanted it to work.

Now that I have lost the other one, I cry to myself. I hide from everyone when my heart wants to break. When I know that Iam going to cry. I want him. I need him. But I don't want him, if I could never make him happy. If he is happier with her. I would rather those two be happy than me to be the happiest woman alive. Because if I was happy and they weren't, I wouldn't be happy. My naivety is growing into something different now. I understand more than I used to. I know more now.

Everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to fall in love with him, and lose him. I was supposed to learn that what I had found, I shouldn't have thrown it away. I know this now. I accept it now, but it still hurts so much.

[Fyrygrl]

I am all better now. I don't think that I have a problem with Chris any longer. He decided that he wanted to lie to me again. I won't get into that though.

All I want now, is something I might not be able to have. If i lose him, then I will be saddened, but I would still rather not know what it is like to be hurt again like that. Now I am done whining...

I will come back later and repost or revise....

[Fyrygrl]

Well, where to start....


First long time no see.

Second, I can't spell. Just kidding. Nope Chris got married, and the most wonderful feeling I had when I found out, was that I DON"T GIVE A SHIT!...

Thank you very much.

Thirdly, I realized who I want to be with, and if you don't know already.....then I don't have to tell ya! :love:

[Fyrygrl]

Dun Dun Dun.....

Well, I have lived with Dan for about two weeks in his apt...Now I think totally i have lived with him now for about a month or so... It's great...Boring when he's not here. I know....he doesn't go out too much but it's all good.

I met a really neat person. Actually it's SOOOO absurd, it's not believable..At least for someone like me. I met Lenny Kravitz's nephew..... :eek5: Yeah, I know. Whoopdeedo. big deal who cares.....? I do! I think that is the most coolest neates thing.....! He's cute even. Although he's cute....I am not attracted to him. go figure. :dozey:

[Fyrygrl]

Dan is on his ship now... :cry: I feel kinda like I am in Limbo....You know? Kinda like you are consious and you know wtf is going on, yet it is like you turned everything off. Yeah, well that is how I am right now. Right here shortly I am going to go back to bed. Cause that seems like a good thing to do.

Later.

[Fyrygrl]

Day 2

Second day that Dan has been gone. Ben, his cousin, is gone now too. I don't really care that he's gone, but now I don't have anyone here to keep me company. Oh well i guess. I will survive.*starts singing I will survive! I am going to have a very clean apartment I think :dozey:

[Fyrygrl]

So here I lay on the couch after my nap...thinking, and crying. What is going through that man's head? I don't understand his worry, well a part of me does, being what happened before, but about me??? As for Him getting a raise, they can go die and I wouldn't care. I don't understand why he thinks He is a better person. I don't. If anyone was good and great, I would say it was Dj, not Him.

So I cry some more not understanding his thoughts, and what's going on in that head of his.

I got out yesterday. I wasn't being a chicken shit, and walk like three whole blocks. :D Today though. Today I stayed inside laying in one spot not wanting to go anywhere because my saddness because Dj has been gone for sometime around a week and everyday I die a little more because I can't even hear his voice. This sounds overly dramatic I know, but it's the easiest way I can describe how I feel whilst he's gone. I wait excitedly that he will write, and when he hasn't I get a little sad, and think. He will write me soon. He will write me soon. He will write me soon. Over and over again.

One of my friends online asked about him today, well, not really, I just rambled on about him. Well he asked if I was sure Dj wasn't cheating on me. You can never really be sure, but you always can in your heart. I hope that makes sense to you. I rambled on some more and then I said what he does overseas is his business, I couldn't stop him in what he does. Then I said he loves me, and I don't believe he would hurt me.

In the end of a day, is the promise of a new one. Be not afraid, Tomorrow will always come, Nor the sun not shine, For even a cloudy day, The sun Shines brightly overhead.

[Fyrygrl]

Is happy YAY ME YAY ME YAY ME YAY ME YAY ME I am talking to dan.....YAY ME YAY ME........I will fix this later...

[Fyrygrl]

It is 2:47 in the morning and I am still awake.....*dies* I got to talk to Dan on a phone today. YAY. That was the best part of the day, and I didn't want it to end at all. But it had to. One month, I have to wait one more month. Then I get him for a month, and then I have to wait another month....School you know...It is painful to be away from him for so long. My days are gray, and the only time that they aren't is when I get something from him. Like a few words over email, or if he gets a chance to call me. Those are the best parts of my days. And they don't get to happen very often when he is gone.
It is now 2:51 A.M. I am not tired. Not even remotely, the only thing is that my brain does not function correctly right now. But that is okay. I will get to see my little brother this summer. He's so cute. If I ever get a pic of him on the computer, you would know I speak the truth. My little brother looks like Macaulay Culkin! Everyone that sees him says that he does. I think that my little brother is one of the cutest little brothers out there. Don't take it the wrong way, that's not what I meant at all. And if you are wondering why I am writing like that, then you will have to wonder for all of time.
2:55....I will get to see my brother in July, and Dan will get to meet some more of my family. YAY. When I told Dan about David, he asked who he was, I said, Dan, he's my brother....I told you that...
I guess he had forgotten....I wonder what he looks like now. I am sure that he has grown up a lot. He is 8 years old now. I have helped raise him since he was born. Not completely like my mom did, but I helped a lot. Later though, she began to drink a little more, so I began to take up more of the cleaning and taking care... Although my mom did do a lot still, she mostly was drinking and playing on her computer. My mom was my closest friend there for a long time. But when she decided to drink, it was one of those things where I kinda avoided. She wasn't mean, not really, but sometimes she drank when she was down on her moods, and drinking for her made it worse. We have been through a lot, and we get along a little better now, but she still is cruel with her words. I don't talk to her much if at all though.
As I grew up, I began to not talk to either of my parents. I just kept everything to myself. I could protect myself that way. The one thing that I remember was that everytime I said something on my mind and they told me to tell them what I thought, I would get into trouble, and it would be worse than it was before. My dad never understood why I quit talking to him. I know why though and I didn't want to tell him. I didn't trust him. I haven't trusted him for a very long time. Since I can remember. That's a long time to not trust someone. But I think that he lost my trust when he did things he wasn't supposed to, and lied to me. He never earned my trust back. For awhile though, for awhile he would build it a little, and then he would do one of the things from the past and I would lose it again. My mom once asked me to forgive him. I did. I did it for her, because I didn't want them to break it off. So I forgave him for her. But I don't think that I have ever truly forgiven him. And I don't know if I can, but I can always try. I trust people, and I am gullible. Those two things have gotten me hurt. So if I meet someone new, I tell them straight up about my trust. That if they lose it, depending on their 'crime' depended on if they could earn my trust back.
3:10

[Fyrygrl]

I was on here yesterday talking to a friend. Well, he went to eat some food and my supposed best friend got on. Well after a few minutes, I figured out that it was him. At that time, I was talking to Dj also. As my supposed best friend was talking to me, I called bullshit, and said I knew it was him. He denied it and kept reeming my ass. Asking me if the dick was more important or friendship. It was then that I got pissed off. See, people don't ask me that, and expect me to give way. So I yelled back at him. Anyways, me being the bigger person, I said I was done arguing. A few minutes later he said lets argue. I was like fine whatever. So, instead of arguing... :rolleyes: He calls me names....So I come back asking if that's all you got GRANDMA! Then we were off badmouthing each other...I have no clue what his fucking problems are...Dj says it might be because he wanted me still and I had rubbed it into his face... You know, if that was true, he didn't have to take it out on me. He made his mistakes, now he had to live with them.

I told Dj all about it, and he helped calm me down. Although it took a little while...I love Dj with all my heart plus some. Even if some of the things I tell him a wierd and or quirky. Dj's the man of my dreams.

[Fyrygrl]

When I was younger I had a dream. I dreamt of a room. The kitchen. It was morning and there was a bowl of cereal on the table. Chex I believe. The sliding door was closed, but blinds were open and the sun was shining brightly. I was standing at the sink finishing up some dishes. This little girl walks into the room and sits at the table, looks at the cereal, and says,"I don't want this cereal mommy." I turn my head to the door opening and I see a man there, he's smiling. I look at the little girl and say, "That's okay sweetie, is there something else you want?"

That dream I had a long time ago and remember like it's a memory.

[Fyrygrl]

*sings to self in hatred of the Sprint company*
The stupid phone company turned off the phone.*dies* Now I don't know if I will get to talk to Dj...Unless he calls Brit's house.....*hints* I am going nuts about it. Secret. He has a surprise for me and I am dying to know what it is. I have clues, but the clues don't fit. Well they do, but my knowledge and his words don't make sense together. So I have to suffer with waiting... :confused:

[Fyrygrl]

*dream*

Best friend killed his wife to be with me. Told me of his planning of it. Asked him what he really wanted. Scene goes to deserted road. Tells me both of us. Scene goes to somewhere else. I tell him he can't. I walk away.

[Fyrygrl]

*dream unwanted*

Mixture of past present and things not yet here (if ever)**

My dreams have come true in the past. I hope that they don't come true. They are bad, most of them. Perhaps all of them.

[Fyrygrl]

Here I am sitting in front of a computer waiting to hear from the love of my life. Thinking about things. Things of then, now, and later. Waiting and hoping he will get to call. Trying to not be depressed. Failing significantly. In a state of hating people. Wishing he was here. Not knowing anything. Thinking of her with him, making me sick. can't finish food. Yuck. Hate her. Hate them all. Depressed. Lonely. Missing his touch.

21 more days. Wish it was yesterday. Knowing it isn't. God I hate the military sometimes. They are great, but they love to keep the men away......

Done ranting and complaining.

[Fyrygrl]

Wow, a complete change from yesterday. I am in a good mood. Although I want to go home now. But she has my food...*dies laughing* She prolly wants me to go home too. But oh well. Just a few more days she is stuck with me. Or the other way around. I am all better today. Yesterday was just a blah day. I don't know why though. I found out a few things this morning...Nothing much, but interesting. As in I didn't know it before... Oh well, tis a thing of the past...Don't matter anyways...It's not even important....So why am I still talking about it? I don't know why. Just thinking about it. It's the thing that is running through my head.

I miss Dj. 20 more days...only 20 more...

[Fyrygrl]

Okay.....FIRST

I think that I have figured it out. The surprise thing that Dj has for me. HERE ARE THE CLUES...

1 question.....this one slipped out.
2 around 6 words.
3 first letter of a 'few' words is W
4 two letters blown off, MA...this was in boobies post.
5 theologically begining with no end.
6 bigger then truck but can fit in an envelope.
7 I will not get it any other way than him looking me in the eyes to give it to me.

NONE OF THIS REALLY MAKES SENSE. BUT IF I PIECE THEM TOGETHER, THEY ALMOST MAKE SENSE. BUT NOT REALLY...YOU KNOW?

[Fyrygrl]

My dad is the most stubborn man in the entire freaking world! And my convo with him just goes to show that I know him TOO well.
ME: no lectures?
Dad: i hope so
Dad: no lectures
ME: no looks?
ME: those guilty ones you give
Dad: cant promise that lol
ME: try
Dad: ill try
Dad: lol
Dad: lol
ME: lol k
ME: no derogative comments, even subtle ones?
Dad: you take all the fun out of my life . why
ME: cause I know you
Dad: so you know i probably will even if i try not to
ME: all i am asking is for you to try your hardest
Dad: i try sweetie
This proves that I am right! And it makes me MAD!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Fyrygrl]

11 more days. that's all. No more. Then I get him for a month. Then he has to leave again. This time for less, but more waiting. But that's okay. I understand. I don't mind. Not too much. I miss him. 11 more days. Is there really so many to wait? So many to not see him. Or touch him. Or kiss him. Or anything like that? Just a few more is all.

[Fyrygrl]

GODDAMN IT ALL TO HELL!


Got to talk to Dj. But NOOOoooo, stupid phone wan't loud enough. Couldn't hear him most of the convo.....You know what. Screw it. Those five words pretty much sum it up.

[Fyrygrl]

The 15th....


:cry:

[Fyrygrl]

I sit here in the garage at 10:14 tonight. I am depressed and feel so alone. I miss Dj, but I can't really do anything about it. It's okay I guess, or at least it will be. I talked to his mom yesterday. It was nice to talk to her. She wierded me out though. She said "Love ya" I don't think she has said that to me before. I don't understand why she said it either. Not that I have any complaints. None at all. Well, there are 21 more days till Dj gets back. Then I get that surprise that I almost got out of his Brit. HEHEHE. I got her frustrated that she almost told me why she had a camera. I was in her room, cause that's where the best signal is for the internet....I still have no clue....*sigh* If I did, I bet I would tell you... Hell, when I find out, you all will know anyways cause it will be the only thing I write in every post....:lol: Love ya'lls and



PEACE OUT!

[Fyrygrl]

Soon my love will be home.

I talked to Trisha today. Trisha is Chris's wife.....We are talking civily. She likes me I think. Anyways here is a pic of them both. Happy endings.




He's not as attractive as he used to be. I personally think that Dan is much more sexy than him. Love ya babe!

[Fyrygrl]

Dan is going to be gone all week....whoo hoo....*pouts* so here I am walking through the woods buck naked...

[Fyrygrl]

I have been off work for a half hour and this really bytes...Well, I dunno about you, but I think it's time for some food.....

[Fyrygrl]

A lot has happened in the last few days...Or maybe weeks. At this point in my life I have no idea. But I have decided that it is okay. I have moved on and I will make better with my life...


This is the end of my second chapter

[Fyrygrl]

I live! I live! I live!!!!!! Whooo hoooooo! Long time since I have written in here. Not too much has happened here since the last time I wrote on here...Atually, I am finishing school, and now I have m own room....Yay. Other than that nothing much is new....Okay...There's a lot new...Some of it will be left out because I don't want to think about it... So anyways. I made new friends and everyone loves me...Just kidding. I just like to tell myself that. I want a big head ya know. Anywho. I am okay. At least as well as a person can be. That and I have degraded and don't know how to spell to save my life...I was just thinking. Okay, I was thinking a lot....You don't have to twist my arm you know. But I was thinking, about things that happen to people. Do they really happen for a reason? Or are some people unlucky enough for it to just happen? Wouldn't it be better if everyone could just turn off how they feel about someone? I wouldn't mind. But I guess there is nothing that can really be done about anything that happens to them right? I just think it would be easier, ya know?

[Fyrygrl]

To be continued...
The story goes on yes? Well, that's all it can really do. Unlike a book, life just doesn't end. The story just switches the characters. Right? Well, Dj and I are no more. In case you haven't caught any of the hints. We haven't been together since early November. Heh, we didn't last long. Most of it is because of my age. Or so I am led to believe. But who really knows. Yeah? I left Carlin 3 or 4 days after it ended so now I am here in Hayward, WI. Yay. Not really. I am glad kind of, but I miss the people in Carlin. At least the people that matter. To top our breakup off, the girl I had thought to be my friend, is now dating him. Go figure right? So typical huh. Well, there's nothing that can be done about it. I would rather not have known. I still talk to him. See how horrible I am? I try to just be his friend, but that doesn't really work. I was a friend to another of my ex, and that worked. But this one isn't. I want to quit talking to him, maybe then I will be able to move on, but I don't seem to have the willpower to do it. I'm weak. He once told me that he loved me after we broke up. I miss him so much, and my heart aches everytime that I remember, or think about him. That is why I haven't been on. Because I can read everything that was said and done. I can then remember what was felt between each other. Then I can wonder what happened to it. I would rather not remember, but I have yet to figure out the way to do it. I want so much for him and his happiness, and I don't think that I am the one, because if I was, I don't think that our relationship would have changed that much. Perhaps it was just because of me. Maybe I wasn't enough. Or perhaps he just didn't want anything to do with me any longer. Is it all because I am too young? Is that really the only reason? I can't truly believe that is all there is to it. Can you? Why can't a person have all the answers? Why does it all have to be so difficult? Why?

[Fyrygrl]

Well, Valentines Day has come and gone. yay them. I called Dj's mom to tell her HVD..well guess who answered...Kim. well. I was very nice. Kim's dating Dan. It was weird. Well we were talking and she said something to the effect that she never lied to me. HA. Funny one Kim. She lied to me when she started dating Dj. She told me no, she won't ever date him again. Right I believed her. And what makes that all the worse, is that everyone knew that she would do that. Go figure. The only naive and gullible one that anyone could ever know. Psh. I don't think that I should have ben so nice to her. But I am the bigger person, so I will btry to let it go. See? I am a big girl. heh. Well my VD, sucked but I hope everyone else's was good. Love to ya'll

[Fyrygrl]

Well I know I procrastinate coming here. Then I miss you guys, not that I really ever say anything. My heart is healing quite nicely now.But I have to go to school now so bye.

[Fyrygrl]

To prove that I am a bigger person, I haven't ripped heads off and I haven't shot anyone. SEE? Once again I am a big girl. *Praises self* I am trying for the military again. I am so ready for it. I know that everything going on is pretty shitty, but I'm not doing anything with my life right now, so what the hell. Serve my country. Now, I don't have much pride in this country, I actually think that we are a bunch of idiots, Myself included, but I live here and for some strange reason I love it here. S=But don't tell anyone. I'm proud of what they've done. I think. I'm not sure. I guess it could be worse, we COULD be playing with nuclear bombs.

The tears I've shed
Will fall no more
The pain I've felt
No longer lives
The walls I've built
Must go down
To love again
I must live.

Your a bastard
And I hate you
Go to hell
And kiss my ass.

You make me write,
And you make me hate
Why can't you let me be
Why don't you see
I won't take the bait.

The rain is gone,
Gray skies float away
The sun shines thru
Showing me what
Perseverance proves
My days grow green
The smells so sweet
Goodbye dark gray skies
And cold winter breezes.

[Fyrygrl]

I am in school shame on me. I shouldn't be here. Teehee. We are in bus comps. My favorite class and we are learning about web design yay! :whip:

[Fyrygrl]

Ah yes. Tomorrow is the last day of school for 5 whole days. And when I say five whole days, that includes the freakin weekend. What a loser school. My brother lucked out.*Glowers* He got 9 days off of school and then he moved and he gets 9 more. What a whore. You see. I live in a gay town with a gay school. Anywho, I am going to the MEPS center yay me. I am trying for the military again. YAHOO! I'm straightening out my life. So yeah.

[Fyrygrl]

I love you and I love me, and the whole freaking world. Okay, so I went to Minneapolis and the MEPS center for the last two days. When I got to the hotel I made some friends. We went out for a run and I wsn't shy at all yay me. But I suck at running, so when we were done, I laughed and said that my lacking in athletics is made up by my personality. :P LOL We all hung out, it was really cool. I was mostly talking to this one guy. He's joined the Army. We talked a whole bunch. and well, yeah. I would like to point out that I don't do things with guys I just met. So yeah. If you go to boobies, you'll see my verbal vendetta, and skis put it. Anyways this is funny. A week ago I had decided to write down things I wanted in a guy. blue eyes and brown hair, taller than me, fun, has a sense of humor like me or at least close. Well, uh, my friend....has all those. Freakin scary I know. He told me I can't do anything with other guys than flirt, cause I told him I was a flirt, a really bad flirt, and he agreed. then he said I could do that but nothing else. I swear he did say that. LOL And you know what came out of my mouth. I don't cheat. WTF? I can't believe that came out of my mouth. But he said that he didn't think that I was that kind of person. again....wtf is going on. Needless to say, neither one of us went to sleep that night. No, we didn't do that all night, though we could have. No we went to the Mall of America and went to the movies, we watched Slither. It wasn't scary, just gross. He's a really good kisser. Hmmn, good times.

[Fyrygrl]

I am totally the most beautiful woman in the world.

Okay, so who am I fooling right? Me. I know there are more attractive women out there, okay, but nobody. I mean NOBODY has a personality like me. I am entertaining and random at best. But that's why you gys love me right? LOL I love myself. I've been thinking that if we were all the same, we would all end up being asexual, and who really wants that?! I mean COME ON! Like worms...LOL I am going to finish school this time, yay me. and I am so happy right now I am SCARY. Like RUN FOR THE HILLS scary. Okay, so I'm only kind of kidding. You know, women think that they aren't that attractive, and those that are way full of themselves think they are the shit compared to everyone else. Like me. Just kidding again. Live and let live right? I realize that I am just rambling but I feel the urge to write, but I don't know what I want to write. It's kinda lonely not getting to talk to anyone right now. But I suppose that being by myself for a little while is good. Especially for my mental health. LOLOL I need to get laid.

[Fyrygrl]

Okay, as I've said already, I have a boyfriend, and he's really cute. :D I don't really know what to say about him. He's funny, and fun to hang around. Err. I have finished school, now all I need to do is get my lazy ass to the school and finish getting my shit signed so I NEVER have to go back that shithole. I mean...Nope that's right. Oh yeah. This is scary, he turns me on like never before...I didn't say that....:D:blush:

[Fyrygrl]

:D I have really nothing to say. Other than I partied last night, and this morning I have my first/slight hangover....whoo hoo!:toussel:

[Fyrygrl]

Well, there we are again folks. Single. Yep that's what I wrote. I feel happy about it, but at the same time I feel bad. I hurt the guy, yes, I did. But here is my reasoning behind it. I didn't feel the same about him anymore. I have no clue how that happened or why, but it did. All I know is that it was supposed to happen. Yep, that's my firm belief that if it's supposed to happen, it will happen NO MATTER WHAT.

[Fyrygrl]

So here I am sitting in front of the goddamned computer, we just got internet back. Oh joy. Anyways, My ex, and two other people are all in an apartment together. Everytime I get paid, I wind up with not even 50 dollars to my name. My ex owes the landlord a while shit load of $$ and he doesn't have a job. He's not even looking CHEESE AND CRACKERS! He asked me to borrow money........ But I don't thing that I really want to go into that. Anywho, I have to wait so that I can go see my wonderful boyfriend. LOL. He lives in Colorado, he is in the airforce....Don't even THINK about saying Chair force...I'll beat you to a bloody pulp. Anywho, he told me that he loved me, and it didn't freak me out at all. I actually had this warm feeling come over me... He's a really sweet guy. :love:

[Fyrygrl]

Ah yes, long time since I have poured my soul in here and I think I need to again. Dj got married yesterday. If he ever comes back on, congrats man. I hope it works for you. As for me, I am kind of sad. In the end, my joy outweighs my sadness, but it's still there. Perhaps part of me is still missing, or perhaps I haven't had any closure. That's not really true though either. Perhaps it's jealousy. But if I was jealous, why would i cry a little and be sad? It doesn't make sense, cause I've been jealous before. Ah well that ends well. Live well and love long my friends.

I am talking to someone who is extremely attractive and he lives a little ways away, like 30 miles, and is really cool to hang out with. He's a shy guy. We hung out the last couple of days and it was a lot of fun. We have a lot in common and the same thoughts seemed to run through our heads, which has never happened to me before so wierded me out. LOL His name is David and he is only one year older than me and several inches taller...LOL See I am getting younger, but I have more in common with him. I don't understand the attraction between us, I really don't. Mostly because I haven't felt an attraction like that for a very long time, if ever. :rolleyes:

[Fyrygrl]

In about two weeks I should be headed off the basic training. Ya know, I am ready for this. I know the shit going on doesn't leave much to be desired, but I have to look at the good it will do me. I won't have to worry about a roof over my head, bills, having a place to live, finding a job, I'll get to travel no expense, I'll have insurance, I will get to serve the country (no matter how fucked up we might be), and I will get to save around 90% of my money. Not bad if you ask me... Then again you aren't are you? Anywho, I don't really know what to say ya know...

I saw Kim, Dj's wife. Boy was she surprised to see me... Apparently she freaked out. She thinks that I am going to try to steal him away. Not very secure in her marriage if you ask me. When I first caught a glimsp of her, I got nervous and then I told myself that I can do this, I can do this... I did it, and I am not anguished anymore over the fact that he left me for her. Oh yeah, this is funny, she is getting fat... Well, chubbier than she used to be...:eek5: I wish them all the happiness they get, and perhaps maybe they need more than they have, because I guess they aren't very happy right now. I wonder why...

I met someone that showed me that there are actually guys out there that aren't a$$holes. I met one other guy, but I didn't get to see him very much (we talk on the phone though). Anyways, the guy (that showed me that they can be sweet and not try to get laid) and I are going to be friends. I think maybe. I don't know really. He was really nice.

Oh yes, I love you guys and I don't know what I would do without you all and if I talked to Dj often, I would thank him for introducing us... (Alas I don't, so I never remember to tell him that.):love:

[Fyrygrl]

Ah, on Halloween I am leaving to go to Missouri for boot camp. I am going to miss everyone, but I hope that I will like it. I went down to Denver last week and saw my man for a couple of days. It was really nice to see him. Eventually we will be together and all will be well. Anywho, I am going to go see my brother for a little bit. Love you all. Laters.

[Fyrygrl]

It's been a long time since I've written on here... At least on my reflections page. There are some interesting things going on now in my life....waiting to see where that takes me. Terrified at the same time though... Well, i got things to do... so I'll come back later...

Someone very special to me came back in my life.:D :p

[Fyrygrl]

Well, here goes again... I'm free and happy...

[Fyrygrl]

Well. I have less than a month before I graduate. Yep. Part of me is kinda sad, cause well, I met a cutie...LOL Anywho. Not much else is going on right now. Other than school sigh... Love ya'll MUAH~

[Fyrygrl]

:toussel: Well, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote on here. I stopped talking to Dj. He's expecting a kid here shortly. He married his ex-sister-in-law. Ew.

I graduated from my school in the Army and now I'm in Texas. I expected Texas to be dry. But no, it's green and rains more here than it does in Wisconsin... Sheesh.

I broke up with someone I loved. It's probably for the best, but I miss him. He's a good guy. The problem is that he wanted to marry me, and I kept running. I loved him, but I'm not ready to get married. So it was for the best I suppose.

My best friend's wife had a kid. Also, married people are crazy...

I've got something going on with someone. I can't really say that we're together, cause that hasn't been talked about. But I can say that he's really sweet and fun. Ironically he's about 2 1/2 to 3 years younger than me. And he WAS a virgin... God, what did I get myself into?!

I had a friend die the other night. I think it traumatized me. I watched him get in the accident. It was in the parking lot. How can someone that young just up and die? He was fun and full of laughter. The night before we had all hung out and he was flirting with me. Laughing... God he should still be here!

I get lonely sometimes. It's depressing actually. Nothing I can really do about it though, you know?

[Fyrygrl]

The deaD RISE FROM THE PAST AND THE UNFORTUNATE MUST DEAL WITH IT. oR PERHAPS THAT IS ME. sO MANY GHOSTS...

[Fyrygrl]

I am going to kill someone and at this point I don't care who it is.:eek5:

I got to see my therapist today. He helps me a lot. I felt better for awhile. It seems I have a sick fascination with torturing myself. I don't know why, but I do it... Last night, I was so angry, I punched my wall. I have never been violent in my life, so why am I always freaking out. I'm always angry. I don't understand it. My therapist wants to put me on anti-depressants. It's cause I go through bouts of depression and then I am okay again. You know, I don't really know how long this has been going on. My fuse gets shorter and shorter. I wish I had my long fuse again. I wish I was calm again. With no worries. Nothing to be anrgy about.

I want to tell my father that I hate him. I want to finally confront him and tell him he's a bastard. I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe I never will be.

[Fyrygrl]

My dreams are becoming nightmares. There's nothing I can do to stop them. Even as I am awake, they haunt me. I can't get rid of them. I freak out in my sleep. I woke him up from my moaning. The figure that wouldn't leave me alone. The thing that won't go away. I am drowning, nightmares reaching for me. I'm trying to not let them take over my life, but they are so strong. I can't fight them forever. Shaking and clinging to him, hoping he'll make them disappear. Memories dark, and feelings haunt. Fear rising the hair on the back of my neck. Peeking around the corner, hoping no one is there. Terrified of my own shadow.

[Fyrygrl]

The things people do are rediculousbut no matter. I don't care any longer. There is nothing that can be done about it...

I meet my boyfriends dad this week. I don't know when. I'm nervous and excited.

[Fyrygrl]

Okay, the last couple of days I have woke up feeling sick so to speak around the same time every night. and at that time I'm hot and I have air conditioning on in my room. Now personally I don't think I'm pregnant, and its too soon to tell besides, but come on...

See and it's not even just then. I've been feeling 'sick' during the day...

So, is it too soon to tell,

Am I going crazy

And how do I make it better?:toussel:

I'm crazy.

[Fyrygrl]

I talked to my mom today. She called me a couple of times. She told me that she talked to my father and she pretty much told him he was fucked up and he needs to go to therapy or something. I am thinking that maybe I can finally send him to jail. He got away the first time, and I won't let him get away the second time. How can someone do that and get away with it?

My boyfriend is going to a school for about three weeks, so I won't be able to see him for that long. There is nothing that can be done about that.

[Fyrygrl]

Well Chad is at WLC and he will be there for couple of weeks. He's been gone since Thursday. I miss him.

[Fyrygrl]

Eight more days until Chad comes back. I'm really happy about that. My candle just leaked all over the place. Well Chad and I were talking one night and he told me he wanted to start a family with me. Now don't freak out, we talked about it and we won't try until after deployment. Chad is an amazing guy and he makes me happy. I find myself wanting to be the amazing person he thinks I am. He thinks I'm beautiful! I met his dad and he seems to be a good guy too. At least I kniw where he gets it from... LOL I'm friends with one of his buddies and since Chad has been gone, he's been very helpful one getting my mind off of missing Chad. We talk about his exes and I talk about Chad and healrhy things.Chad is the one good thing in my life and I really care about him. I'm going to fight to keep him. Although there seems to not be much of a need, there is always a need to fight for something that matters to you. I hope that you inderstand what I mean...

There is always something to fight for. From something you believe in to something you love. Don't you agree?

[Fyrygrl]

SO I went to the doc today and she told me that I had an abnormal pap... She said it wasn't cancerous. It's no STD... NO iDEA what it is. How the hell do you take that? I don't want to go make another appt for that shit. AND I have to make an appt for th dentist... This sucks. I shouldn't be scared, but I am. I am...

[Fyrygrl]

To look into your past and be relieved that some force kept you from making that choice, is it wrong to be relieved? People met and decisions made, wrongs done and rights made. But perhaps those you wronged felt justified to wrong you. But two wrongs don't make a right do they? I don't thinks so, but I also believe that you get what you deserve. Although perchance there are exceptions somewhere right? I mean, to be kicked out while you aren't there to get your own stuff until you come back? Do people deserve that if they pay what their roommate asks you to pay? I didn't thinks so, but there are always injustices. The girl who gets raped and their deserved justice isn't granted? What about her family or the people around her, in society. "She's a liar don't believe her..." What about the friends you think you have, and when you need help, and they Just aren't there... So many things, so much wrong... It makes it hard to believe that there is anything good or beautiful in the world. Then, just before winter is completely over, the buds on the trees begin to grow. As spring approaches, the buds grow and flower, making the tree full of beauty and life. As the flowers become those emerald green leaves, roses red as blood bloom creating a contrast of color against the grass. The birds chirp creating a comforting and peaceful place to be. No traffic or polution around, no one to interupt a peaceful interlude. A deer crossing the lawn, so very close to where you sit, and you watch it as it looks at you. Its tail flicks and you are afraid to make just one noise; afraid that if you do it will run away. A love that enters your life so quickly and you are afraid to keep it just Knowing that you may lose it the next instant. Realizing that if you let it escape, that may have been your last chance at love. You take that risk of losing what you love, because you realize that life is hard and full of so many challenges that you Have to take that risk, because that is what life is about. Taking that risk, knowing that it could all end in a second. And it IS better that you have loved and lost because if you don't experience it then you won't have taken that risk. You won't know what you are missing because you never had it. And because you didn't take that risk, you didn't live. You'll never really understand that to live you must take risks and to take those risks you will understand what it is to live. Because you experienced that. And if you recognize that you had it, you realize that there is Beauty in the world and the world isn't as gray as it may seem. If you don't know what you are missing you don't realize how much beauty there really is in the world and that is even worse than having Loved and Lost.

So many things have happened in the last two years that I have contemplated. The ending of my relationship with Daniel and Brian, the beginning of my military career, and my introduction to my current boyfriend. Daniel and I would naver have suited and I realize that now. Amazing right? Nope, it's not. I was eight years younger than he was and I will admit that I was immature. But I would like to believe that I'm not quite that same girl any longer. With Brian, he didn't support my decisions and berated me almost everytime that I talked to him. "It's your fault I'm not happy. You could be here with me instead of there." I would then tell him I had to do this for me and it was what I needed to do. To which his reply was "No you didn't." I hate being stuck in Texas, but if I hadn't come here, I wouldn't have met Chad, and I would be in my rut still. Although things could change in the future, he is my rock. He has helped me through so much and there is nothing I have that could ever thank him.

[Fyrygrl]

I'm lying in bed wishing I could go to sleep. It is almost 2 in the morning and I can't go to sleep. I have to get up at 5 tommorrow for work and I can't go back to sleep until after around 2. This sucks majorly. On another note, my cousin is here in Ft. Hood, but I can't go see him because I'm not even sure where he is... Sigh.

Does anyone ever wonder what their life would have turned out if they had made another decision, besides the one they believe changed their life? I think that perhaps everyone might have one choice that they would rather have not made or one they wish they had made. What makes it worse is that sometimes that one choice could have been the smallest one that causes all the mayhem. From going to the store to pick up something for dinner that night and coming home to find that some horrible thing happened while they were at the store. Amazing that right? I don't think so.

Coincidences. I don't believe there is such a thing. Everything happens for a reason and just because something else happens at the same time resulting in a similar event, or whatever the F*** you wanna call it. Anyways, there is still no such thing as a coincidence. That's all I know. Nothing can be done about it though.

Still laying here. My eyes hurt and I want to go to sleep. I'm yawning, but I know that once I try to go to sleep, I won't be able to do it. I will just lay there with my brain running 100 mph. Good thing though, I haven't had to look at my keyboard. I think that Chad is having a hard time trying to sleep with my computer light shining in my face... In fact he jsut commented on the fact that I've been typing for awhile. Guess that means that it is time to stop posting, it's really long to begin with. Perchance I will try to get some college classes after work tommorrow. I don't want to stick with general studies so if anyone has anything to offer for a major, please, let me know. Well, hopefully I will be able to sleep, wish me luck. No don't... It'll work eventually. Well good night to everyone who decides to read this.:love:

[Fyrygrl]

So, Ive posted on here twice and I still haven't told you what my results were for the coposcopy or whatever you call it. She looked at me underneath a microscope and couldn't find anything wrong with me, so why would my pap smear come out with abnormalities? It doesn't make sense to me. It's okay though, so far I have a clean bill of health.

So the military is almost a replica of high school and it's really annoying. People spread rumors and talk shit about other people. Not only that, they make up shit because they are that fucking bored. Then there's this girl who gets mad if you make a joke and it "offends her." Actually, she gets mad if you say the wrong thing. It's rediculous. I don't comprehend people like that. She's the type that will flirt with you to get what she wants and then will leave you hanging. For example I didn't have to work until the afternoon and she was hung over when she KNEW she had to work the next morning and she drank anyways. So she texted me to trade shifts with her. Well, I was sleeping when she texted me. Two minutes within that text she fucking called me a bad friend. How is a person a bad friend when they are there when they need to talk to someone, or will do what they can to help that person out. Personally I think a bad friend is someone who will use someone else for their own games. She called me a bad friend twice so I being insecure about that asked my friends and they all told me that I wasn't a bad friend, so WTF is wrong with her?!

People are asking Chad and I when we are getting married. Actually last night a friend of mine asked when we were having kids. It's funny really. Chad's barber asked if we were still dating and he said yes to which she replied 'When are you getting married?' Things are going well with us its true, but we have a long ways to go before we can even consider any of that. We have to survive a deployment from both our sides and maybe even seperation because he is in the infantry. If we make it though, we have it planned out.

[Fyrygrl]

Okay, so I bought a PS3 right. and I decided to play it today and I can't beat this damn guy. But that's not the point. Right now I have about 3 starbucks doubleshots inside me and I'm so full of energy I want to run. Now unfortunately one) I'm too lazy and two) it too damn cold. If it gonna be cold they should name Texas something else, because when I think of Texas, I think. ahhhh, warmth... No, it's cold. As in I grudgingly left my room today to smoke. It's a terrible thing that I smoke, but I will eventually quit. When I'm outta the army for example... *smacks head on desk*

Okay, so I thought that I didn't really have anything to say, but maybe I do. Then again, I probably don't and this will turn into babbling no-sense... My mind is in full gear right now, and I don't even know what I am really thinking about. Maybe it's everything. The past, happiness, anger, sadness, ruefulness, so many other emotions running through. So many thoughts.

Right now I am angry. I will either find an AK-47 and shoot my NCO at the gym or just shit in his desk. Shitting in his desk sounds like more fun though. he's an asshole and unfair. He's a bad NCO just like most of the other NCO's that I've had the pleasure to meet since I joined the army. My first example was when I wanted to go home and an NCO was talking about going home. I asked him if he could take me back to the barracks and he replied he wasn't going back to base. Thanks so much. Okay, so the NCO at the gym everytime I go to work has some assholish thing for me to do. Don't get me wrong, I know that things need to be done but my rant is completely fair. I don't mind working, but the shit he has me do are so retarded. Mop the gym floor (in the middle of the shift). Or dust mop the floor (That was done YESTERDAY ironically my same shift did it...) HERE'S the best one though. Okay so when I come to work, I have no clean towels and the garbage hasn't been taken out or the floor vacuumed or anything cleaned. So we tell the NCO and he doesn't give a shit. Nope, he jsut gives my shift more work to do because the shift before me doesn't do jack shit. The NCo says that I complain because I don't like the girl from the shift before me. Okay, first of all, I don't put my personal life in a work area, and second of all I don't "complain" because I don't like you. I complain if you didn't do what you are supposed to do. So my shift leader asked this NCO why he "picks on me" and the NCo says "I just don't like her."

WTF

I fucking hate this bullshit!

Okay, so instead of a new post, I'm going off this one until I can't post on this one anymore. It is now 4:00 in the morning on Christmas Eve. I have yet to go to sleep, so I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have taken those doubleshots... Chad is talking about justice on the death of his reeses cups...LOL I am so tired, and want to go to bed sooo bad, but I laid down and just layed there, wishing desperately that I could fall asleep. Alas, I will probably fall asleep within the next two hours.... If I'm lucky. Though since Chad slept all day (lazy bastard) he's awake too. And yes we HAVEN'T been watching movies the entire time. Heehee. I am still so very tired right now.

[Fyrygrl]

I'm sitting at a desk drinking a beer. Normally I don't like beer, but tonight it's tasting pretty good. I got part of the report today from when I was in foster care, because of my father. I got it before I went to lunch and read it as I ate. You never realize how much you forget or force yourself to bury. How much do we all really bury? Is it the major things that happen in someone's life or could it also be the little things that happen? What can cause so much trauma that you can't remember details or all of what happened? How can I let someone who hurt me, do the same thing that he did before? How could I have let him get away with hurting me so much? I knew that it was wrong and I still let him do it. My mom told me to tell her if something like that ever happened again, and I didn't do it until it was too late. Until nothing could be done about it. Because of that I moved out the week after I turned 18. After that I made so many choices, some that may have been the wrong ones. Shit happens all the time like that right? Nothing can be done right? Maybe that's true. Now I'm trying to do things to get my dad sent to jail, but will it give me peace, or will it seperate me from my family more than I already am? It probably will, just like it did before. I remember that I talked to my grandmother and she told me not to do that to my family again. But I'm going to, because I think that I deserve the justice. He deserves to go to jail. So many lies, so many things hidden. No one ever told my mom that his wife has HEP C. My little brother goes to visit them. Who hides that, especially when there are precautions that need to be taken with that. What about the environment that my brother is in? Do people not think to tell someone that is THAT damn important?

[Fyrygrl]

Well, some things happen for a reason. I'm doing something that I should have done a long time ago. I got the closure I needed and I'm happy with that. It's time for me to let go completely of my past and move on. There is nothing there for me so I don't know when I will come back if I ever come back. I just wanted to say that you guys are great, but there are things here that I no longer wish to visit.

[Fyrygrl]

Okay, so I couldn't completely stay away. But my coming back here proves that there is nothing here affecting me or my feelings. Mostly true. Sometimes there are thoughts of, what if? The things that have happened in the course of my life have led me to where I am now. I'm in the military taking college classes that I don't have to pay for and dating someone who is amazing. I wouldn't lose him for the world be damned. For if I mess this up, I shall be damned most eternally. I look forward to seeing him everyday. (My bright shining star lol.) I want to say that I don't deserve him, but I honestly believe that perhaps I do. I love him as a lonely woman on PMS loves chocolate. (Yes, sometimes I'm that person, and lemme tell you, I LOVE chocolate!) He loves me and he spoils me. He takes care of me when I'm sick (Like right now...). When he looks at me I can see how he feels for me. He makes me hotter than a volcano when the flames burst and the red hot liquid travels causing so must disaster. Yet you know that in the end there will be beauty. The thought of him catching a bullet overseas kills me inside. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. (I've tried).

My therapist told me that I should take a chance on him, and I'm glad that I did. Everyday I wait for him to end it and everyday that he doesn't I'm thankful for. I'm not afraid of the end, because I don't see it. I'm not afraid to lose him because I know that the time we had together was amazing and worth everything that I gave. I'm not worried about my heart because I know he'll keep it safe.

He says that he wants to marry me. Whether it's before we deploy or after, I have no idea. He won't tell me. "It won't be a surprise if I tell you..." Sound familiar? LOL:dozey:

[Fyrygrl]

So, lol, funny thing. He asked me to marry him. We are thinking around May or June. Since we deploy late summer early winter, we were just going to do the court house thing and when we returned then we would have an actual wedding. Or maybe just a family thing so that our families can meet and stuff. :D I'm really excited. He told me that he didn't get a ring because he had bad taste in jewelry. He wasn't lying... I can't decide which one I want though.

[Fyrygrl]

Okay, so we've narrowed it down to April. Any ideas for a date? Cause I'm drawing a blank here. Preferably an even number if you please.

[Fyrygrl]

I think I want this one. :D

I don't want to go to work. I want to sleep all day. I'm really tired. *Snores*

[Fyrygrl]

It is so different when you can actually try the ring on. I found my ring, and we are getting married either April 4 or 5. I'm really excited!:love:

[Fyrygrl]

its amazing how things turn around isn't it? people go through a lot of crap before they finally find some peace and happiness. life, i believe, is like falling out of a tree after you climb to the highest branch. you hit every other branch sometimes several in a row... ain't that the truth? well i know that i'm not on here very much but i've realized that marriage and the military take up a lot of time...

not to mention money....


holy crap, don't people realize that you need the crap you are buying. seriously, come on now. you NEED a home, you NEED food... you shouldn't have to buy the things that you NEED! now things like tv, and other crap like that can be bought, but seriously, food and shelter really shouldn't be paid for. everyone needs that crap and because some people can't afford it, they are left to obtain it by the only means they know how. Illegally. I think that if people paid attention to the things they needed, then maybe some of our shit wouldn't be so Trucked up.... *thanks for that word, i've only heard of it being used once, and that was by my mom when she caught bradley saying fuck or fucker.... something like that...*

[Fyrygrl]

Marriage is good so far, granted we've only been married a month today. :D Yay me. He's great and I'm so very happy. Sometimes I don't think I deserve to be this happy. Then I remember what I've been through my entire life and I remember I DO deserve to be happy.

My cousins are living just down the street from me. It's wonderful! I have family down here with me and that makes me even more happy.