My Dad

[False_Dragon]

Well, there is only one word that can express how i feel right now.


fuck.


As in fucking hell.


My dad, isn't my dad... well he is, but he wasn't ever there for me... fuck, there's so much to write down...

At one stage in my life... I tried to kill myself. I was depressed, mainly because of peer pressure or whatnot, and that i wasn't in the "cool" group, that i was teased... At that point, on that day, the worst thing about it was.. looking into my mum's eyes and seeing her blame herself... And dad.. he just wasn't there... He tried hard, i guess, trying to talk to me... but he didn't help..






...



My dad, he suffers from back pains, he had a motorcycle accident at 17, and it screwed up his back... Then there are those "grey" days. he hadn't said anything before but... i guess you could tell he was in pain on those days.. Then one day, he was in bed... the whole day.. He drank. My sister and my brother were having an argument.. Mum told them to stop.. They didn't..

I guess dad was..well..sad?. he launched himself upstairs.. towards my brother.. He always does that, quick to blame him.. And he to hit him.... My brother ran to his bed, but dad followed..

I didn't want to see what was going on.. and i stayed still for awhile.. but i heard my brother screaming, so i ran to him.. I was scared... what i saw i'll never forget, my dad laying into him... real bad.... blow after blow...

He was my brother.. my twin... what else could i do? I pulled dad off my brothers back... and he punched me in the face... but i stood my ground before another blow knocked me down.. then he kicked me in the stomach.. and walked off..

It's funny, while on the floor, all i could think of was that i had destroyed my sisters polly pocket town she had made.. because i had fell on it when he knocked me down.. And that made me more upset than anything...



...




That was 3-4 yrs ago... History repeats itself.. My brother was watching tv, sitting on a chair close to it.. then all of a sudden my sister walks in. she tells him not to sit too close, he says go awys, it's not her business, she isn't watching the tv herself, how does it affect her? But she decides to pull my brothers chair back, he yells, she falls back.


Dad's in the next room.... big mistake, eh?





He comes in, screaming "what the hel is going on"... damn, he saw my brother, he tries to kick him, twice, but the chair is in the way...then dad starts yelling.. Tells him, "I'm sick of you! pack your things!"


Which is a bad thing to say... see, me and my brother... we really have no friends here in England, our mates are in Oz... He can't move back because there's nowhere for him to stay...

My brother slams the back door on his way out, smashing the glass... Dad follows him.. More shouting... i couldn't tell what was going on...







... I followed my brother to my grannies house, after. He was in a state. Granny told him, nomatter what.. just apologise to him... apologose to dad for breaking the glass..

seems an injustice, doesn't it?



A few hours later he does... But dad cut him off while he tried.... He disowned him, there and then. fuck.

that was two hours ago.


I don't know what's going to happen next, mum's not speaking to him... Shit, he got so bad, once, she wanted a divorce... I just.. feel so helpless..

But i'm not afraid of him like i once was... He doesn't make me fearful.. but i'm afraid for my mum, and my sisters.

I don't know what i should do, i guess, i'm writing this to vent. Or to tell you guys, because i trust you. But, i will write what happens next, i have to, i guess.

Thanks guys, for listening... And pray for me, but most of all, pray for my dad.

[False_Dragon]

I've got tears in my eyes now.. i just realised something... I once said that there was one person ...only one... that i had a grudge on.. that was my ex-girlfriend...


I guess... I never held out hope for him... regardless of what he did.. because i loved him.. because he was my dad...


and that's why i feel hopeless.

[False_Dragon]

So yeah, i walk in my house, just having ridden my bike home from work, and dad's in the lounge, watching my DVD's. Without my permission, and said all of 0 words to me when i walked in.


Here's the thing. See, my dad, although he wasn't the best years ago, now he's getting worse. See, he has a medical condition in his left wrist that was causing his joint to disintegrate. He was diagnosed only a few months ago. It stopped him from working, as he was in manual labour.

He went to have a bone graft operation a month ago, but when they opened him up they found that his wrist was all mushy, so they partially fused his wrist instead.


So, i guess he feels inadequate, angry, that his life has turned around like this...



But he does nothing to help himself. He doesn't help around the house, he didn't make any effort to find work outside labour....


So that's his excuse..

As son as i walked in today, i went up to my uncles to go on the net (still am :p). So i have no idea how things are at home.

[False_Dragon]

Haven't spoken to mum since the other night.

Was talking to my brother about what he's going to do. He might move out...

Haven't seen dad, he's gone out somewhere, which is strange because he never makes the effort to do anything... but it's for just him, so it's ok.

[False_Dragon]

so.. damn. Dad's gone back to acting like it never happened. Even after he disowned my brother, it's as if it never happened to him.


I'm scared that next time if he tries anything, i'm going to hit back. And hurt him.Badly. Nothing that he doesn't deserve in my eyes, really, but i just don't like violence.

Ironic that i'm living with a man who's first resort is to violence.

[False_Dragon]

Well, things haven't changed. It's still like he's just 'there', and nothing else.

But he did apologise to my brother, for whatever reason, i don't know, i didn't hear..