Whats in my head.......

[Dj_ez]

As I sit here tonight, once again staring at my laptop, I wonder what the hell was I thinking? A few of our fellow Wotists know some of my history, but not everything (thank the Gods for that small miracle!!) So many times I have looked back in my life and wondered, why did I do that? Why, after my oldest son was born, did I break up with my (at that time) girlfriend? What in creations name possesed me to join the military? Why did I let the woman I love realize that she didnt need me, that she could live without me? Why, when I found someone else I could love, did I let her go? If God does exist, I hope to get some answeres. I dont expect them though. God may exist, but his/her creations (the heavens, the earth, hell, all the rest) probably keep all the attention. Theology is not my strong point, but then again, what is? Ok, so there is one thing that Im decent at. Most of my ex-girlfriends and I are on good terms, so keeping female friends is prolly my strongest spot. Sex isnt a strength or a weakness. So very simple, pay attention to what your mate enjoys, repeat. Try some new things, learn a little bit more, repeat step one again. And now my mind starts rambling on different tangents. Woe to whoever tries to read this. Also my "C" key is starting to go on the fritz, so every now and then it doesnt imput the letter. Yea, try proofreading all your posts during a rant to make sure the letter "c" is there in all the correct spots. If it wouldnt have been me it would have been funny.

Hmmn, I actually cooked dinner tonight. Usually I eat lunch on the ship and kinda space out breakfast and dinner. That must be a big part of why Im starting to get fat. That and I need to work out. Period. Most people would lie and say they need to start working out again. Not me, I need to work out, start fresh, realize that high school was about 8 years ago and I cant do the same shit I used to be able to do. Thats the agenda for monday.

Work, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Over the last month I think the american public has been ripped off. I know so many people that are collecting a paycheck for playing videogames all damned day. Im guilty of not working all day every day, but I dont spend all day playing Tony Hawk Underground or something like that. Im starting to chill out, and the person who is going to the movies with me tonight should be here in a little bit. I hope at least. I want to go see this movie, but I hate going alone. Damned San Diego, so many people, but I never see the same person twice to get to know them so I know if I could stand hanging out with them. And a girlfriend? Please, I cant even make friends, how the hell am I gonna find someone that I could actually like? Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against casual sex, but Im looking for more. Being married once showed me how I want my life to be, but with the "right" person. Ok, so the not dating thing is more my fault than anything. There is this one girl. The other day I rented a rug doctor, and the girl who helped me fill out all the paperwork (Tina) was responding positively to my flirting (ie.. She didnt call the cops and have a restraining order put on me, and she even smiled once) So while she was bagging the rest of what I purchased while at the store, I asked her to go to the flower section and pick out a thing of flowers, any kind, color that she liked. If you havent guessed they were for her, but she didnt know that untill after everything was paid for and I told her she needed to put her flowers away before I got her into trouble. The shocked look on her face was priceless. Tonight I went into the store to get dinner, and she was working. I worked up the courage to ask her out untill her eyes met mine. Now I know what it feels like to have your bones turn to jelly. So, unless I can somehow manage to work up enough guts to ask her out, I will be spending plenty of time here alone.

The good news in my life is that another one of our fellow wotists and I are talking on IM. She is such a sweetheart, Im happy for her because she has a good man in her life and she loves him very much. The kick in the nuts is she is very hot, but also a sweetheart. If I would have seen her in the street my first thought prolly would have been something like "Yea, she's got a hot body, but I bet she is the biggest concieted bitch in the area" Ill go on a limb and say the reason she's not a bitch is partly because of where she is from. The people in her part of the world seem so much nicer, less concieted than the ones Im used to dealing with here. Yea, when Im done with the navy Im going to move to her country. Tired of dealing with the BS here, hoping the grass really is greener on the other side LOL

Good night for now, my habits are raging demanding attention.

[Dj_ez]

So today wasnt all that bad. Went to work as usuall. But today I attended a mandantory parenting class. My first thought when I heard about this class is that some stupid ass who doesnt have kids is going to try and tell me how to raise my two boys. Wasnt like that at all. The guy started out with his real credentials (ie he has 5 children and 8 grandchildren) Then proceeded to confirm in my mind that Im doing a good job with my boys. Everything he taught I practice with the kids. There were a few things that I havent done and are good ideas, so I will be incorporating them into our lives.

Kiri decided that it was going to drive her insane unless I told her exactly who I was talking about earlier in my little thread here. As if she isnt there already, sheesh...... Just kidding Kiri. Anyways, I dont know what my plans are for tonight yet. Jake (my oldest) gets out of school here in a little while, so I dont know if Im gonna chill at the Ex's house tonight or bring the boys back to my house. I have to work on Sunday so I cant keep them all weekend. Anyways, Im tallking poo right now and my legs are falling asleep from the seat. If I think of anything more tonight then I will edit........


And here is my edit #1. One of my ex-girlfriends left me for a prior boyfriend of hers and got married. Today she met his girlfriend. Now thats a kick to the balls no matter if your a guy or a girl. Why cant people stay faithfull any more? If your commited to someone, then stay with that ONE person. If your not commited, THEN DONT GET MARRIED!!!!!! And here I thought that he worked out of town, guess his "work"kept him at her house all week. Stupid bastard. If I wouldnt have been retarded I would have been with her and probably married to her by now. She was a damned good woman to put up with me. It was right after my divorce, so I wasnt exactly optomistic about relationships. She stuck by my side for 6 months. Then she got tired of it and left. I dont blame her, I would have left me also. Unfortunately Im attached to myself and wasnt able to leave that part of me behind for quite a long time and a few more failed relationships.

[Dj_ez]

Wow, saturday night at about 8 pm and instead of being out on a date Im sitting at home writing on the reflections thread. Wonder if Tina would have said yes though. As mentioned earlier I was going to ask her out the other day, but chickened out horribly. So tonight I went over to a nieghbors appt who I know is single (not married at least, and I have serious doubts about her having a bf) got all the way to her appt, knocked on the door, and................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ No answer. LOL, just our luck. Anyways, I have to work tomorrow (duty blues) and Im not really looking forward to it. Havent heard from my online buddy in a little while, hope that they are having a good weekend. My guess is that their significant other is in town for the weekend, that or they went to see the significant other. Doesnt really matter, hoping to find out how their weekend went though. Guess I will find out on Monday night hopefully. Havent heard from Jessy in the last day or so. Hope that she is holding up. I invited her to come down for a week or so, but was rejected. I think that she is afraid we will get "romantically inclined" and right now thats the last thing she needs.

Oh well, its time to go put my bed back together and get some sleep. If Im lucky I can get "romantically inclined" in my dreams LOL

[Dj_ez]

So its been a while since I have been here and not much has changed in my life. I did get the nuts up to ask Tina out on a date tonight. Unfortunately I waited untill this afternoon, so she already had plans. But when I was leaving she gave me some encouragement. Maybe Im reading to much into it, but when she said "I will see you around" I got my hopes up a bit. Looking back I realize that I should have taken the hint and seen about getting her number. Oh well, mistakes made and nothing I can do about it now. The good news is that she allready knows about my boys so no big shock there. I think that Im gonna see if Lee wants to go to In Cahoots tonight, maybe I can get a number or two while Im there..... If your reading this then I hope your having a decent.........Day/night/whatever. PEACE

[Dj_ez]

So now that I have Halo 2 Im looking for a H2A (Halo 2 Anonnymous) Im addicted to that game. Guess I should start looking for a Wotism support group also because Im an addict here also.

[Dj_ez]

YAY!! I got one of my friends from back home on this site now!! Hopefully I can get the referral added to my profile. I kinda doubt it though, I dont know if I was put in for the referral or not. Doesnt matter. I brought in another hottie for us single guys to ogle over late at night. Nothing but love for ya honey.

As I look at the general discussion page, I start to wonder: Am I a pathetic looser with way to much time on my hands or B: are my goals (posting enough to have an entire screen filled with my replies) just way to shallow? Now Im opting for option C: ALL THE ABOVE!! But thats ok, because Im at home doing this tonight when I could have done it at work a week or so ago. Yes, I had that much free time that I could have sat down and typed that much out.

[Dj_ez]

Wow, uhhm, like a date last night, uhhhh cool dude. ( spoken in a steriotypical southern california surfer dude style)

So last night I kick it into Vons (if you dont know by now, RAFO LOL) Low and behold Tina is not working, but her friend Davinia is. So I get a couple of items (Hot pockets, coke, a few mice, and a basket of figs[dont ask, or you will be killed in the face for not reading WoT]) So I go to check out and low and behold, Davinia recognizes me

*falls over in shock and suprise, suffers complete coronary shutdown*

Not only does she recognize me, but she also gives me Tina's celly number. Cool beans thinks I as I walk out of the store with my new findings. So I call. No big deal, I get the busy signal but really fast. Ok, never heard a busy sig on a celly before. Nor have I heard a busy signal that beeps that fast? Whatever. So I call again, and again, and again same thing. Hmmn, am I being fucked with methinks. Ok, time to speak to Davinia again for more information. Go back to Vons, get the 3rd degree about if I have called or not, then get handed a celly and told to find her home number (this is why I hate bothering people at work, they really dont have time to talk) So now I have her home phone and I call. Yep you guessed it, I get through and end up talking to her. HOLY CRAP!! IM TALKING TO TINA, SHE KNOWS WHO I AM, AND WHATS THIS? She doesnt have plans for tonight? Well, lets just see about that........WHAT DO YOU MEAN YES??

Ok, now I have a date established in about half an hour from now. I spent all morning in a space thats over 100 degrees farenheit, havent showered, and now I have a date with Tina?? So I did what any guy in my position would do. I went to the theater, because next to it was Target and I could get pit stick and smell good stuff there. Jump out of truck, clip cell phone to waist, touch back pocket to verify atm and Id are............. What the hell? Oh crap, they are on the TV. Now this is stress.... Its my first date, she arrives in like 10 minutes, but its about 30 minutes round trip from here to home and back. Yea, showing up late on a first date sucks balls. Especially because Im the kind of person who showes up early. MOST ESPECIALLY FOR TINA IF I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN RETARDED!! I was only a couple blocks from my house when we decided to go out. If I would have remembered then I could have ran home, showered and met her in plenty of time. Nope, instead I thought I had everything under control. Yea, she wasnt to upset over me not being there when she arrived, but I can tell that didnt help anything. We go to see The Grudge (Seen it once, and I can tell you that will be the best time you can ever see it. Not nearly as good the second time) Before the movie starts Im flirting a little by touching her, gently rubbing my hand on her arm, stuff like that. No response. What The Fu*& over? Ok, not interested or just REALLY shy. So while we are waiting for the movie to start we talk a little. Turns out she is big into scary movies. Cool beans thinks I, maybe it means that she will get close to me to help her feel "safe" Oh yea, as the movie was starting she flat out said that she had to cuddle up to me. Spent the rest of the movie with my arms wrapped around her. Its the best few hours I have spent in a long while. At least since May
:)

After the movie we spent a good hour standing in the parking lot talking. She made mention of going home to hide under the covers, I asked if she would come over to my house so we both could hide under my covers. I got laughed at and she said no. But it was a no like "Not yet, I dont feel it tonight, but we will try again soon" instead of the "not a chance in hell asshole" no that Im used to getting. Im on duty tonight, she works untill like midnight tomorrow, so we have plans for breakfast on Sunday. And hopefully breakfast turns into lunch, then into going with me to take the boys back to Brits (my Ex wife) dinner and then who knows.

[Dj_ez]

So Im over at my ex-wife's house for monday night football and it dawns on me why Tina was so hot/cold/hot twards me. As it turns out someone told me that she has a b/f in the army/marines/somthing. She mentioned that she was going to S. Carolina in december to visit friends and I just made the connection tonight. Thats where he is stationed at!! Spent like 5 minutes laughing in Brits downstairs bathroom and everyone was wondering what was so funny. When I confessed my retardation (you guys should be used to it by now) they all had a good laugh also. So now Im gonna try and ask out Daivinia, but not in the normal way. My ex has an old wedding set that Im gonna see if I can borrow for a few hours, go into where Davinia works, pretend that we have been together for a while and ask her to marry me in front of God and everyone. When she says no, then I will be like "Ok, since you wont marry me, then maybe our first date can be to a christmas party on the 9th" Now I know this is extrememly cheesie, but sometimes it works out for the best. Now if the date goes extrememly well, I will lick my fingertip, rub it against her shirt, and say "lets take you home and get you out of those wet clothes" :eek5: Ok, so I dont have the courage to do that, but its the thought that counts? Right? Right?? No, if I was going to do something like that then I would have to do it to someone else (Sam) only because I know she would get a kick out of it. Now if I was going to use a pick up line on her I would use something like "Damned, your so beautifull I forgot my pickup line" if/when she goes out with me and I see her for the first time on our date. I dont know, Im very tired, wired, and my mind is running away without any directions. Actually it has a direction, but thats not for me to say here. If you have paid any attention to what I normally write then you know where my mind is.................. In the damned gutter, sewer, or on its way to the treatment plant. Oh well, time for some "adult" entertainment on DVD then sleep. Meh, Im thinking just sleep instead.

God I hate being alone sometimes. Over at Brit and Lee's (my ex and her hubby) I got depressed because I didnt have anyone to show affection to. Ill give them credit for not being overly affectionate when Im around, but the little things like holding hands and laying on each other I miss so damned much. I dont just want "anyone" Im looking for Mrs. Right (even if her first name is always) Damned it, why does my life have to have this little complication in it now? I just got used to being alone, and now I realize that I want "her" in my life. Who the hell "she" is, I dont know. Every time I think I have found "her" something messed up happens and the relationship ends rather abruptly leaving me wondering what happened. Lets take Sam for instance. I love that girl to death, we still talk, but our relationship just ended and I dont have the slightest clue as to why. When I ask she tells me that she doesnt know either. She has someone else interested in her also, and she doesnt know what she wants. Every time we talk she tells me that she loves me, but I want her to be happy so Im not applying pressure for her to choose me. Yea it would be nice, but if my happyness causes her pain, I dont want it.

Enough of my ramblings, Time for sleep

Did I forget to mention that Tina didnt go out with me for breakfast? Yeppers, Im retarded. No queston about that. So her rejection of hiding under my blankets was more the hell no asshole than the not tonight.

[Dj_ez]

Yep, you guessed it, another lonely night in the life of Dj_Ez. Not quite lonely though, I have some friends who are going through emotional problems as of late and I really am doing my best to help them out. The only problem is why do I think Im good enough to offer advice when Im still sleeping alone after one failed marrage? Lets face the cold hard facts here: 1. I used to be married and now Im divorced. Not a good reference for an advisor 2. I dont even have a steady girl in my life. Hmmmn, is there a pattern developing? 3. Most of my recent girlfriends have either cheated on me or used me to cheat on their man. WOW, Impressive. I think that I will start advertising in Hollywood and make money giving advice to the rich and famous. And now I go and give advice to others? WTF am I thinking? Oh yea, I know. Most of the advice Im distributing is going to females, and I know what I would want to happen...... Ok, so being tripped into the nearest bed and molested would be groovie, but Im dealing with someone else's problems, so I keep that kind of stuff out of it. Most of the time its pretty simple stuff like "talk to soandso, tell them how you feel and be honest" , "Dont get down over what you cant change, remember how you feel now to help you remember not to do it again, move on. Mistakes happen to everyone, dont stress" So the last one I have down pat in my life, and it works for me. The first one on the other hand............. No one really wants to know how I feel. When I try talking about stuff like that, I usually get the look like Im Norman Bates out of the psyco movies instead of just me, saying what I feel needs to be said. I can say something as completely harmless as "Hey Sam, I like what I know of you. I would like to get to know you better so lets go out sometime" Instead of a "yea, how about saturday" I get something more along the lines of "yea right, your just looking for a one night stand" Please, my last one night stand was almost a year ago. Since then I have been working for a solid relationship. Maybe Im just not looking in the right way. Usually happens that when your not looking for something it jumps out and grabs you. So maybe I should go looking for the one night lay, get my "game" back up to par (its only been on a 6 year hiatus) And then maybe I can find that special person. Fuck that, I will continue on in my own way and see what develops. LOL, maybe I should just remember that Im gonna die alone and not worry about females anymore. But what fun will living for the next 100 years be without having a woman in my life for at least part of it? Damned, almost every guy knows that he doesnt feel complete without that special someone beside him. Ok, so maybe thats just me.

Fucking depressions got ahold of me again. Damned it. My day can be going so well and then POW.......... Stomach cramping, caughing up and spitting out walnuts hard kick to the balls depressions got me again. The worst part is I dont have a single clue as to what sets me off. Tonight I know that I could be of help if I just had the right thing to say to some of my friends. I know what it is, but I dont "know" what it is that needs to be said. My mind wont let the secret out, and I know its buried in there somewhere. Fuck this tonight, I will try again tomorrow. If it doesnt get better then I think I will try taking St. Johns Wart. Even though it has side effect that I may not like.

[Dj_ez]

Yeppers, more bad news that I just dont care to share tonight. At least I know that those I care about are happy. I wish them the best, lord knows that Im not good enough for them apparently. Not the first time I have had to deal with this, and for some odd reason, I really doubt it will be the last. Hmmn, maybe I care to much about others being happy and not enough about me. So when I can finally change back into the self centered fuck that I used to be then maybe I can get a good person in my life? Hell I doubt that, but who cares tonight........ I have duty tomorrow and plenty of time to worry about the future later. I really want to meet the person who said tis better to have loved and lost. I would kill them in the face repeatedly untill I felt better. It would take a very long, long time.........

[Dj_ez]

Not really in a better mood tonight, thats what I get for hanging out with a happy couple in close proximity for the last few days. The tourtures I put myself through to help deal with the pain others cause upon me. I really need a life other than my married friends and my boys. Unfortunately the only time I have to meet people is taken up either with work or spending time with my boys. Life goes on so Im told, but so far I havent seen my "life" go anywhere but down the drain. Lets face it, the only relationships I have been in recently have been started online. One date in the last year, and she has a b/f that she didnt tell me about. She mentioned her "friend" in South Carolina, and that tells me is her man. Either he is in college out there, or he is military. So either that shot all my confidence all to hell, or I get used to being used for a movie date. Law of averages........ The more I ask the better chance I have of meeting the right one. Unfortunately the wrong ones have been busy dancing on what parts of my heart that I managed to scrape up. I hope that I can meet "her" soon before my heart is nothing more than dust from the wrong ones trancing on it. No Sam, Im not talking about you, Im talking about the rest of them. You did whats right for you, made the decision, and didnt play games with me. As if by now everyone who reads my posts cant figure out who you are. LOL

My brain hurts, my soul hurts, my body hurts, my heart hurts. Now if only I can figure out if asprin will take care of the non physical hurts.........

Hell no, no matter how much asprin, bayer, tylenol, advil, and motrin I take I still hurt. Kinda sucks being one of very few who loves me. Then again, Im the only one in this house who loves me and that really sucks the big one.

Ok, nighty night time. I get to go get Mike in the mornings so have a good one y'all.

[Dj_ez]

And yet another day when nothing seemed to go for me. The only good thing is that Mike offered to put gas into truck for me. God, just the offer alone was worth the time I take out of my not so busy life to help out a friend. Not that he is really very far out of my way, only like 5-10 minutes so the offer was more than enough repayment for me. That and on Thanksgiving they drove all the way down to the boat to bring me some home cooked food. That prolly took an hour or so out of their day, just for me.

Now for the fun part........ What the fuck is wrong with me? I count myself as fairly attractive, not the best looking but there are far, far worse. Im not much of a conversationalist, but Tina spent an hour freezing her ass of talking to me in a parking lot. Ok, so looking back I realize that I should have asked her to go "somewhere" ok, anywhere to sit and talk. OK, it must be that Im incredibly retarded. We froze for an hour when we could have went across the street to a restaraunt to talk and been warm. My brilliant Idea was to keep her a litte chilly so she would get close to me again and warm up. It worked, somewhat. But the whole second date thing fell through like a ton of bricks hitting a toothpick bridge. Sam, now there is someone I could love and just be around for the rest of my life and not be unhappy about it. Unfortunately she decided that Im not the "right" one for her. OK, so after spending almost $1000 just on my phone bill to talk to her, I couldnt do it anymore and that was her biggest complaint. I didnt call enough. :grumbles: WTF over? Ok, so my phone was turned off (again) and it took me some time to get the money together to pay it (again) By the time I was able to call, the phone was either busy or it just kept ringing. And I find out that I didnt call enough. WOW

And all I want is someone who will show me the same desire to be with me that I show to them. Someone who will log off the internet and get off the laptop for a little while so I can get on and take care of the online "life" that I have between the time I come home, give/get hugs and kisses, and dinner. Only an hour or so out of the day, not to much to ask...........Is it?

And I call someone who complains about me not calling and then they sound so damned pissed that its me. Guess they were waiting for someone else and I wasnt it....................

[Dj_ez]

So tonight Im in a little better of a mood. Confused, but in a better mood than I have been in for a little while. I got to talk to Tina for a few moments while she was working, that cheered me up a little. Only because it wasnt as odd as I thought it would be. I need to talk to Davinia though, thats why I went into Vons, but Tina was working right next to D. I talked to Sam tonight briefly, right before we hung up she said "I love you" Not a normal occurence lately, ever since she started dating another.

Went over to talk to my best friends wife. He is on duty tonight and she needed someone to talk to. Aparently one of her neighbors has been watching to much Drama on TV and decided there was something wrong with her (the neighbor) and brought needless Drama into the Cul-De-Sac.

God my mind is wandereing tonight. I need to get some, staight out. Its been so long since I have had a warm body next to me that Im starting to forget what it feels like to go to bed with someone, and wake up next to them in the morning. Yea yea, its mostly my fault I know. Sex has taken a wierd twist on me over the last few years. With my ex, it was like being a whole person when we made love. Lately Ive only felt that way with one person and if she ever read this she would know who she is. Its unfortunate that I believe that part of our relationship is over and the most I will be is just a friend. I dont know, maybe we will come around to realize that we really love and are in love with each other and the world will be all cheers again. Now that its late at night for me, I will get off this thing. Ill be back tomorrow to rant about what happened at work today as well as what I know is going to happen at work tomorrow. I hope everything goes better than I fear, but Im sure that it will go worse than I can imagine.

Ive tried calling Sam a couple times tonight and her phone is busy. Her man must reallly love her because he is a couple hours ahead of us and they are still on the phone. He should be getting up early in the morning his time to go to work, but he is on the phone. Oh well, food and sleep is what I need.

[Dj_ez]

Yea, my mood lately hasnt been all that great. It turns out that most of the people who have shown any interest in me are trying to use me to get away from where they are at, and are not really interested in me as a person. So what the hell is wrong with me? I dont know, and right now I dont give a damned. Im happy with who I am, even though Im not perfect. Show me someone who is perfect and I will show you someone who is working to hard to please everyone else and is miserable to boot. Everyone has flaws, so what the hell are mine that are such a turn off to the female gender? Im 26 (almost) divorced (ok, thats understandably a turn off) I have 2 boys (if this is a turn off then those stupid sluts can go do perverse things to themselves) Im still on good terms with most of my ex's. Doesnt that show something about me? I dont know, maybe girls feel intimidated by the fact that they wouldnt be the only female that I talk to. Guess what? I have 2 boys and an ex wife!! Of course I will talk to her, Ive known her for almost a decade and she is the mother of the boys.

Maybe its that Im mentally fucked up. I mean, what kind of guy would be friends with his ex wife? God, thats so strange to not waste 10 years of your life just because your not ment to spend eternity with someone. Oh silly me for thinking that its a lot of time and energy just to flush over a divorce. I mean, it only took 2 years for us to start talking again about more than just the boys. Pardon me for getting over her and moving on with my life. Yea she is still a friend, but there is no way that I would go back to her. Guess there is something wrong with me. Oh well, Carona is in the fridge, permafrost in the freezer, so in a little while I really wont care about this.

[Dj_ez]

Just got home from my ships holiday party. Now Im really depressed, so damned tired of seeing all those happy people with someone. Ok, so I dont know if they care about them or not, but they are with someone having a damned good time and Im there with my ex. Not that its a bad thing, its just that she went home to her husband and again, I was used for something. She went to get out of the house for a little while and I was her ticket out for the evening. So again I find myself sitting at home early in the evening by myself wondering WTF all over again. Maybe Im not trying hard enough to meet people, so when I do I try to hard. Now I really hope that makes sence here in a while when I go back and re read what I have wrote here. I doubt it though, not a great deal of what I do makes any sence later in life. The only good thing is that I get tomorrow off for going to the party. So yea, I think god has taken it into her head to kick me in the balls again and again and again and again and........... well we get the picture. To say Im in a dark mood tonight barely comes close.

Lately I have had some very disturbing thoughts about going to TJ and paying a prostitute. Why would I pay for something that I can get for free? Dating is kinda like eating Cracker Jacks, good all the way through with a prize at the end. Ok, so some dates dont have the prize, but that makes the chase all the better. Anyways, enough for tonight

[Dj_ez]

So what do you do when your heart mind and soul tell you that your being used by every member of the opposite sex? Is there any question why Ive been pissy lately? Yep, it took me untill tonight to realize that Ive been used by every female that I know. For what you may ask? Everything from dates to me spending money on them to sex. Yep, you read that right, Ive been used for sex. Why am I complaining? Because maybe I want more than to be used for sex. I want a relationship, you know, girlfriend, love, eventually marrage. The "at least Im getting mine" attitude is almost completely gone. Fuck this..... If there is no benifit for me then forget about doing anything for anyone else. Mike and Denyelle are the only ones I know who are good enough not to be using pricks. Now Im in a serious debate with myself. Is it worth getting to know more people because everyone is like this, or do I just have extremely bad luck? Damned, wish I knew...........

[Dj_ez]

So my mood is not any better, but I realize the mistakes that I made with my last post. Im not being used by anyone, what I give is given freely without being asked. Ok, so the sex has only been asked for on rare occasions, but the slightest murmer gets my thought process running along those lines.

Tonight I feel like there is a whole the size of Texas deep down inside of my heart, and the crushing lonelyness has returned like a familiar lovers body close against mine. As far as relationships go I dont see myself being able to start one for a very long time. I talked to my detailer today (the guy who assignes duty stations) and right now it looks like Im going to be a Navy Recruiter. As to my final destination thats still undecided as of yet. The region I might be assigned to covers pretty much the entire west coast all the way to Utah/Colorado border. Granted these orders may put me in my home town recruiting station, but Im undecided on if thats such a good idea as of yet. I could go home and start my future while still in the navy. Lets face it, I could buy a house, be closer to my mom and brother, start meeting the people I will eventually live around, but do I want to get involved in all the drama that seems to go on in that town yet? Do I really want to try and talk young people into joining the military when Im dealing with a million pathetic things that people willingly bring into their lives? That and I dont really have roots anywhere. I dont like being in one place longer than a few years before moving on to something else. Being married was absolute bliss for me even though it was the same thing day in and day out for 3 years. I was with someone I loved so damned much that little else mattered in my life. All I could think about was going home...... Home, now that word is as foreign to me as ice sculpting on Pluto. Those I care about Im trying to leave be so their relationships with others can flower unhindered by me. I sit in my appartment tonight and it doesnt feel like home. Its more the space I occupy untill its time to move to another space, be it work, truck, Dennys, wherever. What would make my appartment into a home is someone I love being here. Someone that makes coming home a suprise everyday, just by the fact she is still here and is as excited to see me as I am her. Someone I can have a conversation with about absnot, and walk away feeling like we discovered the meaning of life, even if the conversation was that one of my socks didnt make it into the hamper (yes, I do have a hamper already, and no, my clothes dont always make it into said hamper) Oh well, I must go check on some other posts that I have made.........

[Dj_ez]

Yeppers, Im still in hell and I dont know how I got here, but what else is new? While Drinking is not the way to solve any of my problems, it will let me forget about them for a little while. I doubt that I will have more than a beer or two tonight, Im not really in the mood to get tore up even though I kinda want to. How the hell can I feel this way most of the time? Doesnt matter anymore

[Dj_ez]

It has been confirmed. Im the biggest dumbest bastard to ever walk the face of the planet. Talking to Denyelle (my best friend Mike's wife) and it turns out that being married to me was worse than being married to an abusive asshole. Denyelles ex knocked out most of her teeth, starved her, abused the daughter, and completely dismantled her car. But according to my ex, being married to me was by far worse than that. Holy shit, no wonder I dont have anything that even resembles a relationship. The worst I can think of is pushing Brit out of my way and onto a couch when I was so mad that I wanted to hit her. Yeppers, that happened twice in the 4 years that we were married. I asked her numerous times to get out of my way so I could get out of the house and calm down. So fucking sue me, Im not the worlds fucking best person, but at least I didnt abuse her. I went away and calmed down, then came home and finished the conversation/arguement/whatever. But Im the bad guy. Lets not forget the fact she cheated on me with 2 different guys the first few months we were together. Lets ignore the fact she left me for the only person I have ever asked her not to be around. Forget the fact she looked me in the eye and agreed not to be around him, just to fuck him within the first few weeks that I was deployed, move him INTO my bed, then moved out of my apartment and in with him a few weeks before I got home. Oh yea, lets also forget the fact she promised me that I had one month to show her that I could be the guy she wanted. That promise was broken within the first few moments it was made. Is there any wonder that I tried to move on with my life with all these lies and deceit? Fuck this for now. Ill try and stay sober enough to realize what a laptop is, much less how to use it or type tonight. I dont think that I will succeed in this endevor. If I get lucky I will pass out with a lit cigarette and burn my apt complex to the ground.....Yes, with me inside of it.

[Dj_ez]

Wow, what a difference a few days make. I went to dinner with Amber last night and we had a great time. We actually spent about 6 hours together doing nothing but holding, hugging and kissing. So hopefully this will recharge my faith in humanity. Or at least the female gender, not sure about humanity. Very little hope there. Anyways, it at least boosted my confidence a bit. Some of my neighbors are fighting tonight. Apparently they broke up but are still living together. Now he is all pissed off that she is fucking some other guy in the complex. Stupid fuck, he should have moved out if they broke up, either that he shouldnt be pissed because she moved on. I know how hard that is if you love someone, to move on. But fuck, dont live with her anymore and you wont have to worry about anything. If my phone worked yet then I would call Amber tonight, but I didnt get off work early enough to go pay my bill, so I will have to deal with Mrs. Attitude tomorrow night. She is the sister of one of my neighbors, so she doesnt live in this complex. That sucks the big one, I was looking forward to seeing her tonight, but her sis is preggo and Amber went to visit her sis. Oh well....... Not like Im allowed to love for now. I get to go recruiting here soon and that will take up so damned much of my time that its not funny.

Im a little drunk tonight, kinda glad that im not so trashed I cant type. Work sucked, and tomorrow isnt going to be better. Peace out, dinner is ready

[Dj_ez]

Wow, its finally Christmas day. And the wonderfull part of being me is that Im on duty today, so once again I post from onboard the ship. I guess I should thank my stars that Im at least in the states for Christmas. I know there are to many of my brothers and sisters in arms who are over seas right now trying to make the best out of their situation. Lord knows that I have been there and done that. 2002 I really wanted to jump off my ship in the middle of the ocean. That was the year I found out the woman I loved was cheating on me, wanted a divorce, and there was nothing I could do to change that. 2 years later Im still alone, but there is Amber in my life for now. I say for now because Im leaving here in the next few months, and she wont be able to go with me. Not like I know if I want her to live with me yet, but thats not the point. I wont be able to have her as a bigger part of my life for at least 2 more years. There are some issues there, and Im not getting into it just yet. I talked to sis and both moms this morning, that was cool. I got to wish them all a merry Christmas, but Moms are doing dinner so they didnt have much time to talk. I also called my Uncle AJ, he informed me that my soon to be ex sis in law "likes" me. I dont know how I feel about that. She is the good little mormon girl, and lets face it, Im a sexaholic. That and Amber has just come into my life, so I dont want to ruin a good thing with a possible, so once again Im chillin trying to find the middle ground. Hopefully AJ is being fed falsities, and that she really doesnt like me like that. Then again, it really doesnt matter. I know how to be true to someone, so therefor its a dead issue. Amber has expressed interest twards being a part of my life, so I will give her the attention she deserves, and if Kim tries anything then I will have to do whats right.

Speaking of Amber, we set her up pretty good last night. Amber's brother and sis in law live in my appt complex, thats how I met her. So the other night she makes me a card for Christmas, and being the insensitive ass that I am I hadnt even thought of doing anything for her. So yesterday I take Justina (the sis in law) and we go get Amber a christmas present. While we are out, Justina calls her mom and asks if I can go over for dinner. Amber doesnt have a clue that Im coming over for dinner. Much to her suprise when Justina and I pull into the driveway, jump out with the gift, and proceed inside. Now I must tell you, Ambers parents have no clue about her and I, so we couldnt flirt, cuddle, kiss or anything like that for the couple of hours that I was there. Needless to say she was pissed. She didnt think it was all that humorous for me to be there with us unable to even touch. Yea, her parents would have went nuclear over us even holding hands. Why you may ask? Im not gonna tell. So when Im leaving, she is out with one of her friends and they stop me down the block. I proceed to get my butt chewed for teasing her like that. I had to remind her that I was also suffering not being able to touch her, so it was a double edged sword. I got a kiss goodnight, so everything is ok between us. The bad part is thats the last time Im going to be able to see her for the next month or so. Im not going to be able to see her this coming up week, and I leave thursday to go home for about 10 days or so, and then when I come back she will be busy untill the weekends. With me still being attached to a ship, I dont know if my ships schedule will allow us any time together. For some strange reason I think that this is another of fates practical jokes on me. Dangle something good in front of me, then pull the carpet out from under my feet to watch me land on my ass yet again. If so then I guess the only thing to do is enjoy the ride while it lasts. I hope that everyone has/had a merrry christmas, lord knows that Im not enjoying being at work today. Oh well, better here than pounding sand in the middle east.

[Dj_ez]

So here it is. Yesterday would have been my 6th wedding aniversary to Brit. Unfortunately it marks the 2nd year of being alone. The good news is the depression didnt get to me to badly yesterday. We had a couple people decide to commit suicide off the Coronado bridge last week, so Sunday I was sorely tempted to see what it felt like to hit water at terminal velocity. So why am I still alive? Someone out there has to love me more than I do, and Im not talking about in the way mom or my boys love me. Yea, so I really want to meet her. Ive met to many not even close to being Mrs. Rights that the right one has to be near me by now. What the fuck am I bitching for though? At least I am meeting people instead of drawing into the shell I had after Brit left me. Unfortunately I want/need someone so badly that its getting depressing meeting the wrong ones all the time. Oh well, I guess my stature of limitations just went up again. Now instead of having to live together for 5 years before I propose, then staying together for over a year before we can get married to we have to be common law married in EVERY country in the world before I will propose again. Wait, what the hell am I thinking? Increase my limits? I cant even get someone to stay longer than a few days, the ones I can get to stay something about them drives me up the fucking wall after a few weeks.

So Sam is having a hard time dealing with the fact she made a bad decision. Once bitten twice shy as the saying goes, but what about twice bitten? Do I maintain my friendship with her? Thats simple, hell yes I maintain my friendship. The hard part is deciding on if I want her to be more than just a friend. Scratch that, there is always one step above friends, especially when a guy is dealing with a female as a friend. But do I allow her access to my heart again? I played this game with Britni, and here I am laying in bed alone while she is sleeping with her husband. But how do you compare one person to another? I cant, and looking at the past doesnt help either due to the fact people can and do learn from their mistakes (Unless their screen name happens to be Dj_Ez, Lord knows I never seem to get it right :grumbles: ) So maybe what I had planned for Sam and I over my visit home can still happen, but with everything thats been going on in her life lately, I dont know if its a good idea or not. I dont want to be used as a backboard for someone to rebound off of. God knows that I have used others to rebound so damned many times its not funny, and I know how necessary it is, but I just dont want to be the backboard/divingboard/springboard/whatever. I want so much to know her thoughts and feelings, but alas, something about me keeps her from talking to me about her feelings. Brit had the same problems talking to me. This is what makes my decisions so damned hard. I see so much in common between the two, and I fear the same results will happen if I give her the chance. God she is a different person, she is not Brit, but will she make the same choices as Brit did? How can I truly give her a chance when all this shit is in my head and heart. I dont know, but I do know that being scared gets me nowhere. Taking a chance on Sam again seems like the right thing to do, even if we wont be able to be together for a long time. She is joining the Navy, and that means she will end up somewhere on the coast if not over seas. Im rolling over to shore duty, so my options are so much greater than hers it would seem. I dont want to ask someone to sacrifice that much time for me again. Separation is hard on both people so I dont know.

GRRRR...... Just spoke to Justina a few seconds ago. Amber may have been trying to tell me that she is going to be chilling at home with the girls instead of saying that Im going to be out with them. Someone :kill: me please!!!! So damned tired of all the fucking drama. I just want a simple life. Steady job, someone to come home to, NO FUCKING DRAMA!!!! Thats it, when I can, Im going to move 10 miles north of Vegas. That way I wont have neighbors to bring drama into my life. I can do whatever I want to without having to worry about some dumb bored bitch starting bullshit rumors because she doesnt have enough *DRAMA* in her life. Ill be close enough to a large city so if I want entertainment its close, but far enough away not to get caught up. Sorry, my best friend Mike is having to deal with a dumb bored bitch in his cul-de-sac, thats where that part of the rant comes from. She even decided that Mikes soon to be born Baby is really mine. Before last month I havent been to Mikes house in about a year, Denyelle is almost 6 months preggo. Just goes to show what a dumb bored bitch will say.

I dont know how the hell I got off on that tangent. What I do know is that Im going home here soon. For New Years I have a huge fur blanket Im going to lay out in the bed of my truck, I have a genuine mink blanket to cover up with, pillows to rest my head on, and a nice quiet spot out in the middle of nowhere to stare at the stars and to talk. All I need now is a nice warm female to volunteer to go with me *Wink wink* Ive talked with a girl at home who once told me that she would love to do something like that. I wonder if she is still interested................. Now granted it will be very cold, and the mink blanket will help keep us warm, but there is nothing like being VERY close that will do a better job at producing warmth. Oh well, I will throw the idea out there when Im at home on friday and see what happens. I hope that she agrees, but who knows.

[Dj_ez]

Wow, where to begin about the last 10 days or so. So I guess this means I start at the begginning. I leave San Diego at about 1 in the afternoon and start driving home. The drive is going fine up untill I get barely past Barstow when my passenger head light goes out. No problems, I can get a new one in the next town. Oh hell was I wrong. Baker had nothing in it but maybe one tire, no cars anywhere, just one tire on the side of the road. Guess nows not the time to remember that I also needed to register my truck a few months before, and it didnt happen. Yep, I had to drive like 2 hours scared out of my mind that I would get pulled over for a broken light and get a thousand dollar ticket for not having registration. Got to Vegas with no problems though. Got my light replaced and continued on my way. The weather reports that I had been getting told me that there was pretty much snow from just north of Vegas all the way home, so I was concerned about that. Turns out I didnt have to worry untill about 50 miles outside of my hometown. It looked like someone took a plow and cleaned off the roads up to that point. It was a clean cut from dry roads to one foot snow. Ok, so it may have been 18 inches, I didnt stop to measure. So the last 50 miles of an 800 mile journey took just over an hour. That sucked balls. Taking corners going to moms house the rear end of my truck kicked out on me almost every time, so Im fishtailing around corners. Ok, I will admit it was mostly my fault, I love that kind of thing and at that time in the morning (3 am) no one is out so I can get away with it and not have to worry about hurting anyone. Ok so I go to bed finally. The next morning My sister in law reminds me that I promised to take her out for new years eve so we are going out that night. I also find out that my Ex sis in law is in town with my niece and she wants to go with us. Ok, no problems, I like Carrie. So we go out and get Matt from his house (Matt is a guy who used to be on my ship) and we go to the bar. The bar we went to has recently been opened so its new for most of us. And damned was that place packed up untill about 10:30-11 or so. We had a good time there, we danced, had a few drinks, made fun of people who like us couldnt sing but tried. Its unfortunate that I have to leave the rest of that night out of this post to protect the guilty (me). I will admit to the Hottub and half naked women though. The next day I spent with my boys, niece and nephews. Mom had to work but it was ok. We had a family get together on Saturday and that went well, I got to visit with some people that I havent seen in a while. I got a suprise a few days later. Monday was when everyone at home had to go back to school so I was hoping to see some of my friends but not that monday. Tuesday afternoon Sam1 comes to moms with a couple of friends in tow. No one I recognize, but thats cool. Sam and her friends come walking into the house and I hear this really familliar voice, but the face and the voice are completely different. It turns out that this girl is our very own Fyrygrl, but she cut and died her hair, and was wearing dark glasses. So what if we talked for over 10 minutes before I realised who she is. Here I am wondering who the full blown hottie is, she sounds really familiar, but I cant put name to face and voice. When I find out that Its Sam2 I almost died. So for the rest of her lunch hour I flirt and be my usuall self around her. That was untill the 3 girls want to talk to me outside. I was invited to a 3some and then to watch all the girls do their thing together. So once the coronary recession mellowed out and my heart went back to normal I took all 3 of them back to school. That afternoon Sam2 calls me and wants to know if I can hang out for a little while. Ok, no problems, we need to catch up anyways. Now if I would have known I was going to get molested as soon as I walked through the Door I would have moved faster. Yes, Im only joking about being molested. We hung out and shot the shit for an hour or so before I had to leave. So the rest of the visit went well, mostly just hung out with family. Thursday I went out with some friends. I was looking forward to going to the bar, hanging out, and dancing with random women. Does that happen? Hell no, they talk me into going to a strip bar. Ok, so it didnt take to much arm twisting

*Brother "Hey, everyone wants to go to the New Silver Dollar. Its a Gentlemens club"*

*Me "Well, if thats what you guys really want to do lets go"*

Yep, they twisted my arm really hard. Now what kills me is that one of the guys I was out with wouldnt get any closer to the dancers than the farthest wall from them. The other guy I was out with was to scared to tip them the correct way. Made me wonder what the hell they wanted to go to that bar for. Its ok though, I had a good time and the bartender was a hottie and didnt mind me flirting with her. Maybe it was the fact that I was one of the best looking guys in the bar. Thats not saying much, I am short white and homely. Most girls are looking for Tall dark and handsome, Im short white and homely. hahaha.. Ok, bad joke. Anyways, thats all I have top say for tonight. I had a good time, had great sex and lots of it, and now Im home. Bye for now

[Dj_ez]

Its so damned wierd, while I was at home I was so damned happy I couldnt see straight. Now that Im back here in So Cal Im depressed again. Man, if I could only figure out on how to be that happy here I would be in a great place. Normally sunny, warm and a great place to be if only I could fugure out how to be happy. I think it was the fact that I had my Sam when I was at home and I dont have her here. What really sucks the big one is that she could be here shortly, but I may not be. Hows that for a kick in the balls. She, someone I actually could love, may be here, and I wont be. Stupid Navy, keeping me from those I care about. Fuck it, some year I will actually have everything that I want and be able to live happy. Not that I really want to much. A roof over my head, a decent truck to drive, and someone who loves me next to me.

[Dj_ez]

So here I sit, its saturday after a long week. I thought for some reason that I posted last night, but I was so severyly intoxicated that I ended up puking. Not exactly how I wanted to spend the evening, but its my fault for pouring the first drink. So talking to my Girlfriend, she will be moving in with me here in a few weeks and I cant wait for that to happen. I just hope that it turns out better than the last person who lived here. That person spent all day on the laptop and didnt let me on very often. That sucked because its my laptop and I could never get on. Oh well, I love my girl and if that happens we will have a sit down and figure it out. Damned computer, its pissing me off so Im going to sign off for now. I will be back to update laters

[Dj_ez]

Grr, I think that I have managed to fuck up yet another good thing for me. I was talking with one of my girlfriends companions from where she used to live. I was told some things that I should have ignored, but as the dumbass I am I had to go and tell my girl what was up. The only thing I can say in my defence is that communication is a big part of a relationship and if we cant talk about whats bothering us then there is no reason to continue with our relationship. So what if Im as subtle as a ton of bricks hitting you in the head when something is bothering me? Ok, heres what happened. Talking to Julie (my girls friend from back home) Im told that julie doenst think that Im my girls type. Ok, no problem there. People change and rearrange their priorities so I may be my girls type now. Then Im told that my girls so infatuated/in love with this other guy that if he asked her to marry him she would say yes in a heartbeat. Now here's where I had to go asking questions and getting myself into trouble. I wanted to know if that was true or not. Not like the answer would make any difference on how I feel about her, I just wanted to know her feelings about the other guy and if what I had been told is the truth or not. I still want my girl to move in with me, lets face it, I already have things arranged to where she can come down if she wants to. I think that Julie was feeding me full of shite, but on the one in a billion possibility she was telling me true, I wanted to hear it from my girl. So I dont know anymore. Im still hoping for her to move in with me, and as soon as I can pay my cell phone bill again I will call her so we can talk. Ive been so happy lately that I havent been able to post on here, but now who knows. I tried talking to her about it yesterday, but there was someone else at her house so I couldnt figure out who I was talking to. Messenger's suck in those instances. Oh well, maybe she will be online tonight and we can chat for a little while. Speaking of that, while online last night I kept getting her screen name appearing as online, but when I went to send her a message she was offline. WTF is up with that crap? Just one more reason why Ive gone insane and I cant find myself.

[Dj_ez]

So for those of you who know me and my personal beliefes to my life in the eyes of God, she has done it again. Yeppers, Im her personal amusement "kick in the balls" guy. Any time God wants to feel better about something, I get kicked. God where is Jerry Springer when you need him

*Springer stage appears*

(Jerry) Welcome to the Jerry Springer show, today we are doing stories on guys who love women who love other guys. And yes, our long time friend DJ_EZ is back for his 1 millionth appearance. Welcome Dj, so tell us. Whats going on in your life, as if we dont already know.

(Me) Well Jerry, Im in love with this girl, unfortunately for me she is still in love with her ex, maybe she is just hung up on him. I dont know, I havent been able to talk to her in a long time.

(Jerry) Well DJ, have you ever thought about giving up on love?

(Me) Yea, the thought crossed my mind but Im such a stupid fuck that I cant help but let these women hurt me again and again.

(Jerry) How right you are Dj, you are a dumb fuck. Now for your suprise..... Backstage we have your mistery woman. Lets bring her out....

(Mystery woman) Hi Dj, I know that I have hurt you in the past,and Im just gonna keep doing it as long as you let me. So lets go back to my place, sleep together, and in a few days I will inflict even more torture upon your dumb ass.

(Me) Ok, sounds good to me. Can we do it again next week?

*My life in a damned nutshell*

So thats actually more like my ex-wife, or how she used to be. My girl is a whole lot better than that, at least I hope so. Granted she broke up with me for no reason, then didnt want to tell me herself about a choice that was made she knew was going to hurt no matter what. To make it worse, this is the 3rd time I let myself be hurt by her. If something drastic doesnt happen in the next few days or so, then it looks like its time to move on. Lets face it, I want her to move in with me. But the last thing that I heard was its a possibility, nothing definate. Hell right now I would be happy just being able to talk to her and find out whats up. Enough for now, Im at work so I will edit later, I hope.


So here I sit at home, still confused over everything going on and wondering why this is so normal for me to be lost. I guess its because I actually have feelings for someone and their decisions just dont seem to make any sence to me. But I guess thats life. Ya find someone to love, and then something happens to jack it all up. Or its just me and I dont know how to change that. Murphy has it in for me. Whatever can go wrong, will at the worst time. Oh well, some day Murphys law will find someone else to amuse itself by. GAHHH, my computer is being retarded again. Yea, I know its just a machine, and no its not operator error. Guess Im just a little to picky over what my comp should do and what it shouldnt do. Hmmn, I wonder if maybe tonight I will actually reach the character limit for a post? Doubt it, Im starting to run out of things to say right now. I wish that I could be optimistic in my personal thread, but thats not going to happen tonight. Some year I will be able to go back through all of this and laugh at how stupid I was being at this time in my life, but who knows when that will be. Recently I have been the counselor for everyone I know almost, but no one is there for me when I have problems that I need to talk about other than this thread here. Now I know of someone who reads it, so I kinda have to temper what I want to say so I cant vent all the frustrations I feel.

So I think that its time to pay my phone bill down some so I can talk to her on the phone. Great thing about the internet, I just payed some money on my phone bill while still here so now in a few hours I can call and see what is going on. Cool, I think that Im changing my plan to the fair and flexible plan. I use so little minutes a month that I might as well pay for what I use instead of what I dont use. If I go over 500 minutes a month, then its only $.10 a minute. Ok, so I know that I woud go way over the time with rates like that, but whatever. At least I would be able to talk to those I care about. That and If I get my nights and weekends to start at 7 pm, that would be cool also. Ok, enough for now. I think that Im gonna hit up runescape for a while. Granted I always leave space open on my desktop for a chat window in case anyone wants to talk to me.

And for my newest edit, the day of my birth falls here in about an hour and a half, but Im wondering who will remember. I really doubt that anyone gives 2 shits enough to care, other than Justina, and her only because she just celebrated her birthday yesterday. Now the greatest part of tomorrow is the fact Im on DUTY!!!!! Shit, what a great last few months I have had. Duty on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (but I was on leave, so I wasnt in Cali) and now my birthday. YIPPEEE, not to mention the fact Im really doubting the fact I have a girlfriend still. Not by my choice though, I just hope this time I can get a call or an email instead of finding out here on Wotism...................... Hurts a lot less to have something at least a little personal giving me this kind of information

[Dj_ez]

All things considered Im doing just fine
even thought you left a hole the size of texas
deep inside of my heart
the way Im feeling should be losin my mind
but all things considered
Im doing just fine


And thats how my day is going so far. I dont know anything about anyone other than myself............

Ok, so I got to talk to my girl for a few minutes tonight. Its really unfortunate that I was on watch when she called, because I wanted to spend hours upon hours talking to her. Not that I really had that much to say, but I was so overjoyed at hearing her voice time flew by for me. That and she confirmed that she loves me and I have just been on crack lately. So what if the thought of losing her was driving me insane? Its cool though, hopefully she will be moving in here soon.

So anyways, it turns out that everyone called me while I was on watch to wish me a happy birthday. Yea, and here I am unable to talk for longer than a minute so I ended up answering my phone "thanks for calling to wish me a happy birthday, but Im on watch right now can I call ya back later?" I got a few laughs out of it. Time for bed now, tomorrow promises to be a VERY VERY long day here at work, not to mention that I have the boys this weekend so we are going to have some fun and one of my neighbors birthdays was just the other day so we are going out to have a drink or two. Good night all, Im not getting wasted tomorrow night, I will have the boyos.............

[Dj_ez]

Stupid phone company. I gave them money just the other day and my phone was shut off again today!!!! Even more money spent to get it turned back on just to find out that I missed an extrememly important call from someone that I love and cherish. Now hopefully I didnt miss any other calls that I really needed to get. I recieved a message from my bank, Im hoping that it concerns a loan that I applied for to bring down the payments on truck. Oh well..........

I went out tonight to celebrate my b-day. No one else had anything planned for me, so once again I have to do it for myself. Guess this year that means that Im not doing anything for anyone else's birthday unless its Sam, she is to far away to do anything for me on my b-day....

[Dj_ez]

HE HE HE, give me a couple weeks underway, and I forget to update my thread. OI!! What a wonderfull week (dont forget to notice the sarcasm is laid on so thick it should be called marble) We have been underway doing absolutely nothing but wasting time and money for no purpose. Now we are sitting in a weapons station getting completly reloaded. Now me boat feels like a warship ready to deploy anywhere in the world and deliver mad ass amounts of pain on demand. But wait, it gets better............... I found out today that I will be joining this fine ship of pain and death (and thats just talking about whats inflicted upon the sailors who man her) on the way to Japan!!!! YAY for me!! I cant wait to spend 4 months away from everyone I know just so I can have a wonderfull 13 hour flight back!! OH JOY!! Lets not forget that this summer I could return to my usuall routine of swimming then chillin in the sun getting darker again. Last summer I actually had a decent tan going. Yeppers, The icing on this cake is that my girl was (I think at least) going to come out for the summer. Yeppers, no boys, no girl, nothing but the open ocean to Japan. Not to mention my 21st visit to Hawaii in 5 years Yay..............

Next time we shoot the 5" Im gonna put my head in front of the muzzle right before we shoot. This way I may just be able to get out of the japan issue. Lets face it, I leave in May and dont come back untill August. Hows that for a big pile of POO..............

[Dj_ez]

And for tonights entertainment, I went out and had even more reason to miss the one I love. I hate going out unless my sweetie, Samantha, is with me. Being out tonight with Mike was cool and all, but I really miss Sam right now and I wish that she could have been with me. Then again, if she was here with me, I would have rented a hotel room for the night and we would have been busy untill the morning. Not like thats a bad thing, I would have enjoyed immensly. Hopefully she would have also. But thats neither here not there, its midnight and Im going to bed now. I have to be up in about 6 hours so I will write again on sunday or so. Peace out ya'll

:cheers: :cheers: :whip:

[Dj_ez]

Wow, so how did I miss the message from Eolyn about chatting on MSN? I know, I came in a little toasty so I just wanted to put down a few thoughts then go to bed. The last few weeks have been a living nightmare for me. We got underway a couple of weeks ago to go play war games with a Carrier strike group......... just because the commanding officer is trying to make captain by sucking off his boss. Yea, we get volunteered for everything that comes down the pipe. So there is one week wasted, and you may ask about the weekend? Nope, still underway so we can pull into Seal Beach on tuesday morning. Seal beach is one of the ammo places we can go to get armed. I can understand reloading the ship, so thats not really a big deal. Except this week that Im in now we are going through one of many inspections and our days are incredibly long. So when you combine being gone for 2 weeks with this being a week of hell, not so good to be Navy. Oh yea, I also forgot the whole Japan thing....GRRRRR, I cant wait untill August when I can rotate over to shore duty then get the hell out after the next couple of years.......

[Dj_ez]

So I was on last night and didnt post in reflections, is ok though, because we were in the chat room. When I say we, Im not talking about me and all my split personalities. There were actually 6 of us there last night. I cant remember if we got up to 7 or not, but it was mass confusion. Think about absnot, but in real time. Ok, not to much to write about today, so I think that I will log onto runescape and have at it for the next 7 hours or so. Bye bye

[Dj_ez]

EEEP!!!


Wow, talk about not being around for a while. Usually Im not here when Im underway, but I guess this whole Valetines thing is the reason. Yeppers, I kinda have a reason to be all cheery and whatnot, but........... She is over 900 miles away from me, so that kinda puts a damper on my mood. Went out to the bar last night to shoot some pool, forgot about the "magic day" Yea, so all of us loosers without plans for Val Day were there. Could have been laid I think. Having a love, and not wanting to be some dumb bitches slumm lay really prevented me from talking to anyone I didnt have to. Bartender was overcharging like fucking hell last night, so I didnt drink very much. A Jager bomb and a beer, over $10 my ass. Beer is only $3 at most, and most of the other bars I have been to dont charge $8 for a Jager bomb. I think he was guaranteeing his tips for the night stupid ass. I would actually have tipped him if it wasnt for that. And when Im out drinking, I tip very well. Dumbass lost out on prolly $20 over $3-$4 His loss. Thats why I like female bartenders better. They know they are getting their tips so their not trying to rip you off. Ok, so maybe females screw over other females, and guys screw over other guys...........

[Dj_ez]

Fuck.............


Isnt it amazing how much that one word can conveigh? Having a bad day, the right inflections on that word speaks volumes. Having the best day of your life.......... Yep, you guessed it. A complete new relfection on the word Fuck and everyone knows how spectacularly awesome your day is going. It reminds me so much of "Dude" from when I was a kid. We used to have conversations using nothing but the word dude. Now what got me on this kick is one of my friends and I had a 3 minute conversation using fuck and all its different forms. Sounds kinda weird doesnt it? Not really, Mike and I are on good enough terms that I kinda knew what he was feeling so words were pointless. The funny thing is that "Doc" (term applied to all Navy Corpsmen) sat down with us at the beginning of the convo and even joined in after a minute or so.

Cant wait for march to get here. I get Sam for a whole week all to myself. Then I will be able to find out if the ropes on my headboard will be comfortable to use :D But for decencies sake I wont go into that any further. Ok, who am I trying to kid here? We all know by now that I will get into it if I want to because this is a voluntary read. Its not like Im posting in Absnot where it is read by the general consensus.

Eolyn, now there is someone I havent talked to in a while. I dont know whats up in her life, but I do hope that its going well for her. Dominik (whoever that guy she was dating) caused her enough problems, and there is that guy out of her classes that shes infatuated with.. Meh, Hopefully her life is groovie right now.

[Dj_ez]

Did I mention how much the word fuck covers? Just found out that I will now be gone the entire month of march. That and Sam............. I had the feeling she still wanted to be with Chris. It sucks coming in second to someone she called an ass all the time, but if thats going to make her happy so be it.

Eolyn changed her screen name to Raven. Thats a bummer. It seems since Kiri changed her screen name others are also. Oh well, its pathetic that this bothers me and I should grow up and say whatever. Im dad to my boys and thats it. I dont want control or to control anyone other than myself, so have a good day if your reading this.

BTW, my ship dumped 500 gallons of fuel into the bay, so instead of being home around 5 I got home around 7.

[Dj_ez]

Hmmmn,

My ability to put my foot in my mouth is only exceeded by my ability to get both feet in my mouth. Now for those of you who dont understand what I mean by that I will explain.

When I say that I put my foot in my mouth, it means that I have said something stupid/retarded/insecure/fucked up/whatever. Now Im sure that you can guess that when I manage both feet, you can take whatever description you want and quadruple it.

For instance(s) Eolyn and FD. I posted that he should take his savings, go see her, fall madly in love, get married, white picket fence whole nine yards, die type thing. I thought it was humorous because it was a basic outline for the rest of his life that isnt going to happen just because of positive thinking. IT WAS A FRIGGIN JOKE!!! Unfortunately some took it seriously. But now I realize how unfunny it really is. I should know better than to get into other peoples lives, I really should. Lets face it, Ive already failed one marrage and god knows how many other relationships, so Im not the best to give any relationship type advice. Example 2: (yes, there is the other foot) Here I am thinking that Sam wants her ex again and I even express that opinion in here. Yeppers sports fans, thats right. Not only was I severly wrong, but I also got a PM letting me know that I was wrong. Lets face it, I dont have my own life straight, what makes me think that I can help others? Oh well, time to go back to being reactive. I will just be the shoulder to cry on, and the person to talk to. No more advice like what I have given without the severest of warnings that I dont know everything and advice is just that, advice. It can be taken or ignored, either way doesnt matter to me. Food becons and then back to work.

Eolyn and FD, Im sorry guys for getting into your lives like I have. I had no right to do that and I apologise. When I get more time I will post it in other threads, but for now I have to go

Sam, I still love you honey, and I hope that you will still talk to me............

[Dj_ez]

Wow, what a pain in the ass. Going through preps for a huge inspection (at least my entire chain of command thinks so) and its been nothing but a nightmare. Imagine going to work at 6 in the morning knowing that you wont see that particular stretch of road again untill around 9 at night. And thats if your lucky. I show up at work, get changed, and get to work. After lunch I start to wonder if I will still be working when dinnertime rolls around. The answer is more than likely yes, but there is a little hope for me leaving before then. Today is friday in the Ol' USA, usually means that its an early day. For me its just business as usuall with the knowledge that I will be back again tomorrow morning. Sunday I get to stay home untill 5pm, then I have to be back so I can work all night, get up at 5 in the morning (if I get to go to sleep that is) and get back to work untill the inspection team shows up. Like anything more can be done, if its not ready by now then forget it. Stupid ass little shit is going to be found by the inspectors, they expect to find it. MY command is trying to get rid of all the little things so the inspection teams can go for the big issues. Have I mentioned that my ship is being transferred to Japan here VERY soon? So we know damned well that we wont fail this inspection, we may end up with a bunch of things that need to be corrected but thats normal. Stupid ass captain trying to look his best before he is relieved. Yea, we get a new captain the week before we leave for Japan, so the old one is doing everything he can for a promotion. Meanwhile, the crew is getting screwed like a $2 hooker at a navy port visit. Yea, life is really great for us right now. The only light at the end of my tunnel right now is the fact I get the fuck off sea duty in July. When I leave this piece of crap I will know that the only time I will ever be on the ocean again is when I want to. Not because I have to be, but by choice. And then it will be a pleasure cruise instead of work, so all the more enjoyable.

Now I have a delemma that I dont have any idea on how to get through. I know 2 of the most amazing women Ive ever met. Both have feelings for me, and I reciprocate those feelings. The down side is that they are roomates and I know that they talk about me. Im dating one and the other is my ex, so they both know a great deal about me. I cant explain how I feel, nor what the delemma is because they are one in the same. My feelings are running in two parallel directions. By the gods, I dont know what to do. Sometimes I wish that I could give myself advice like I seem to be able to for others. Its so easy when someone comes to me with a problem. I know for certain that I dont have the FULL story, so I say something like "by the sounds of it, heres something that you could do" I cant get into all the details about these two, I would eventually run out of room due to the post limit of 10k characters, or something like that. Well, its time to go over to General discussion. Lets see what time I get home tonight. Ill edit this post maybe, or just post again with the time.

[Dj_ez]

So I was right about Friday night. I didnt get home for a very long time after I posted that. We worked late so we didnt have to come in on saturday. Guess what? I was still here on saturday morning bright and early. The only good news is that I was off in time to get to my oldest boys baseball game. It was an amazing event to watch. A bunch of 7 and 8 y/o out playing baseball to the best of their abilities. Now I wonder if I looked the same when I played all those years ago. Im pretty sure that I did, and Im glad that I could bring that kind of humor to the lives of those around me. Anyways, here it is, 2131 on a sunday night, and Im back on the ship untill wednesday night at earliest. God I hope that I get to go home that night. I will have to do laundry, Im planning on going HOME home for the weekend. Granted its going to be a 12 hour drive if Im lucky one way. But those Im going to see are well worth the troubles. Im also trying to take Friday off, but Ill have to be here untill at least 8 in the morning due to the fact thursday I have duty. But the good news is that if I can get out of here by 9 in the morning I can be home by 10 friday night. That would be cool beans. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depends) Fyrygrl is going to see her mom this coming up weekend so I wont get to see her untill God knows when. I think Moms gonna have a fit that Im up there, but thats due to other reasons that I just dont need to get into here. I want to go home, but Im not sure if its exactly the smart thing to do. My younger brother James is having issues with me. So what if his now ex wife and I are an item now. The divorce was finalized before anything happened between us, so I dont really see the problem. Fuck, people move on with their lives. Ive been divorced for almost 2 years now. My ex wife is coming upon her 2nd wedding aniversary. Damned, she got married within a month after the papers got signed by the judge for our divorce. She was living with her new hubby before the papers were even picked up, much less filled out and filed. Here he is bitching because Im with her, AFTER everything is said and done. Crap, she could be dating some random asshole who has no clue on how to act around her kids. Ok, so Im still an asshole, but Im not random and I know how to be a parent. Damned, I have 2 boys myself, so her kids are gonna be no problem for me. Ok, so I do have to get used to being around kids again, but we are not planning on moving in together untill at least September/October timeframe. I wanna be on shore duty before I try to get a steady girl in my life and living with me. Lets face it, with the way my ships schedule is right now and me transfering here soon, its not fair to her to start something that major just to have the situation change soon after it begins. The best thing we have going is the fact we are so far away from each other to begin with. This way when she comes to live with me, there is only one move involved instead of a couple.

Speaking of moving, I think its time to notify my appartment complex of my intent to vacate in May. The ship leaves in mid may to go to Japan, so I need to have it empty, cleaned, and inspected before then. Time to move all my shit to storage. Im not looking forward to living on the boat again, but if its what I have to do then I really have no choice in the matter. I lived on the boat once, and found out that I spent more money living on board then I do living out in town. Wierd including I didnt have rent, utilities, cable, internet, or food bills. But my entertainment budget was way out in space. Didnt help that I was going to Vegas almost every weekend to visit with family. But I needed to do something to get away from this hell hole, and that beat going drinking all weekend long.

Wow, really long post tonight. Its time to check the calender thread and see whats up there. Nighty night.

[Dj_ez]

Hmmn, I wonder if I could talk Jean, Jacob, or one of the other administrators into giving me Moderator of the Reflections title. That way I could lock my reflections thread and keep everything in my head and on here to myself.

So my ex shows my girl this thread. And in one of my thoughts I expressed a delemma that they both know about now. Im not sure how I feel about that though. Thats something that I should never have put down here, its my problem to figure out and now one may have her hopes up, and the other may be filled with dread based on my choices. I would have preferred to be able to make my choices without anyone else involved knowing it was happening. That way no matter what neither of them get hurt more than once, if at all. Ive already broken up with my ex, so thats pain for her. If I decide to go back to her, then my current suffers some pain. But if I choose to stay where Im at, my ex is the only one hurt. Now that she knows Im debating this issue within myself, she could get hurt again if I stay with my girl. By the gods I wish that I would never have wrote that.............

[Dj_ez]

I walk the road of life one day at a time. Recently I came upon a fork in the road that I had no idea of which way to go. I made my decision and now I feel like I have been stabbed deep in my soul. Part of that is due to what I have heard others have decided. I dont want them to do as they chose, but they didnt want me to do as I chose, so I have to suck it up and live with the choices made. I want her to be happy, I truely do. After having her cry in my arms for a long time I started to wonder if I had made the right choice. Guess it doesnt matter anymore, whats done cant be undone. I hurt her worse than anyone else in her life, and there is no way to erase that. How I wish that I wasnt retarded. The sad part is that I know Im retarded yet I still do dumb shite. Ive heard somewhere that when you stare into the abyss long enough, it starts to stare back at you. I now understand how true that is. The only thing that I can do is walk the path I have chosen. All roads lead somewhere, but where does the one Im on lead?

[Dj_ez]

As I walk this long, cold road, I often wonder if it will cross her road again. Being only human I stuble and fall. I fell on her road, basked in the heat of her light and love for a while and life was good. Then I had to get up, and carry on my own path. Looking back I realize how much I need her in my life. This road goes on ever longer and only gets colder, more lonely, desolate. How could I have missed that feeling that told me I was a complete person again? Now that we have parted ways, only for the time being, PLEASE LORD???? I realize how empty I am without her. Instead I let her go because of a really stupid ass reason. She has a good oppertunity in front of her, but its something that I cant handle in my life for the next few years. She offered to give it up, but like a dumbass I told her not to. I could have had her in my life, and working on her plans for the future as well. Oh no, Im just retarded and couldnt see how much she means to me untill its way to late. Now if only life was like the movies where I could chase after her, tell her how I feel and have everything turn out good for us. She is in Yuma for the next few days (I think at least, she went to visit with her Mom, but I hurt her and she may just decide to stay) and thats just a huge place to start searching with no information on what Moms name is. Guess I could try a few options, but lets see what I get..........

[Dj_ez]

I dont know where this road is taking me, but sometimes I feel that I havent left where I started from. It seems that life has me going in circles and the past is repeating itself, just with different people. Here I was with a choice to make and I made it. Ok, not that unusuall. But the feeling that I made the wrong choice is back again, and usually Im not wrong with this feeling. The only problem is that I also have the feeling that I cant change my mind. Ok, so I can but it wont matter. She wont accept me back. Dont have the right to ask her to take me back either, so it really doesnt matter.


Well crap....

So I do my usuall thing here and now Im talking to Ilona online.

YAY!!!! Fyrygrl is on the phone now so Im going to let everyone go!!!

[Dj_ez]

Wow, over a month since I have been here. Lets boil down the last month or so.......... Had a girl but I lost her due to her going crazy. Not a big deal. Have another, but she is driving me crazy......... OI VEY!!!! (not sure what that means, but it sounds good) Been talking to Ilona online, and have even made a few calls to her. Now she is cool to talk to, but I wonder........... Nope, not gonna put down what Im wondering about here, I know that either I will find out the answer, or I wont. No use stressing it. Ok, time to see if I can go home or not. I hate work, cant wait untill July so I can rotate over to shore duty...............

[Dj_ez]

Hmm..... when I started this thread I wondered if I had the ability to keep up with it. Guess not really, but then I have been busy having something that resembled a life recently. Guess Im not able to do more than a few things at once. Anyways, I leave for Japan here in a little over a week, and Im really not looking forward to it. The only good news for me is that I will get to see Star Wars Episode 3 in the continental US if Im lucky enough not to have duty that day. If I do end up on duty, that means I have to wait the extra week or so and catch it in the theatre in Hawaii. Oh well, life will go on either way.

So........... what else to say? Not much really, Im just chilling at work, waiting for today to go by so I can get on with monday. Hopefully Monday will go quickly so I can get over to Mikes house. Mike and his wife had a baby not to long ago and its time I get my lazy ass over there and see everyone. THat and with the ship leaving here soon, I dont know when I will have the opportunity to see Mike and his family again. Yeppers, I need to get off my ass and over to their house for a visit.......... Peace out everyone..............

[Dj_ez]

Not only am I a lazy bitch and unable to keep up with my blog, but as it turns out Im not good enough to make rate. Today the all amazing advancement results came out, and once again I have failed to make rate. Now in all reality its not that bad. Advancement in my rate happens to suck big time, but after taking that stupid test 5-6 times and not making it.......... FUCK ME!!!!!! That and I found out that my ex wife's husband did get advanced, so that means my kids lives will get better here in 6 months if she decides to use child support for the kids instead of herself. I seriously doubt that will ever happen. Why am I complaining? At least she isnt calling me asking for more money every payday like some women that I have heard about. Now I just get to hear how superb her man is, and how much better off she is since she got rid of me. And even if she doesnt say it, I still feel like its being rubbed in my face that her new hubby is so much better than I ever could hope to be. BAH! Fuck that, lets see who retires first with the greater source of income for the rest of their life. So what if Im sucking now, I have the plan and the drive to be retired between 40-50 and never have to work unless I want something to do..................

[Dj_ez]

Wow, where to begin? Let me take those who read this on a small trip down memory lane. Watch your feet though, this part of memory lane is paved with glass shards and I have to walk barefoot...........

The date: June 2002
Place: On board USS Paul F. Foster, DD 964 currently pierside Pearl Harbor Hawaii
The Event: I check my email that morning and get a message from my (now ex) wife, and in that email I get the new home phone number. So being the good husband (so I thought) I called home to get told that my woman wants a divorce and that she has been cheating on me. Throughout the next 5 months Im in a living hell due to the fact she moved the guy she was cheating on me with into our apartment. Now when I call home from overseas I can hear him breathing while sleeping in the background. I cant talk to the boys without knowing he is there, I cant talk to my wife because she obviously doesnt give a shit about what she is doing to me emotionally. Each day is nothing more than hurt, anger, fear, jelousy............. Pain......... Even my friends can do nothing to lighten the emotional stone I carried. Death, now there was something that sounded REALLY apealling at the time. To be dead and not have to deal with the pain another second...... HA.... Suicide leads to hell, so I believe. But at this time, hell hath nothing on the pain I felt.

Now I find myself deploying to Japan. Yes, I know that its only a little over a month before I get to come back. So why has anxiety pierced my heart swiftly and deeply as a sword would? The past has come to haunt me......... Fear, anxiety, panic, PAIN........ They stalk me now, waiting to rend me from groin to gullet and devour me whilst I still live. They whisper into my ear "It will happen again Dan......... You will never get away from it, EVER" then they laugh................................ and laugh.................... and laugh....................... The only thing I can do is look them in the eyes, smile, and try to not let the fear show. Do I succeed? Who knows at this time, I will find out over the next few months.....................

[Dj_ez]

Ha!!!!!!!!! To pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, and all the rest........... I have one thing to say "Your mother was a Hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries. I fart in your general direction you english kniggets. Come back and I shall taunt you a second time" *Said using that gay ass french accent*

I have reason to be happy today. Just got an email from my girl.... It turns out that the recruiting district that Im going to has in its infinite wisdom *snorts in sarcasm* has deemed me worthy to go home for recruiting duty. Yeppers, that means I will be around my family again. And if me and my current decide that we want to spend eternity together, well at least I dont have to worry about my family showing up, they are already there LOL!! Not that Im thinking of getting married....................EVER.............. But it is possible.

Yay...
Me....
Yay...
me....

Gonna smoke in celebration of me going home..................... YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



iffin ya cant guess Im happy about this............ :D :D :D :D :D

[Dj_ez]

*Bangs head off Dest untill the blood flows freely*

What is it about me being in Hawaii that makes those I love tell me to go have sex with random women? June, 2002........ My (at now Ex) wife tells me that I need to get laid so get off the ship and do it. Needless to say she's busy getting freaky with some other guy. So here I am, this weekend, and I get an email telling me to go ahead, find a random female and do my thing. Hmmmn, whats this? Why are my heart, body, and soul screaming "SHES CHEATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Could it be that when I told her that I wasnt going to cheat on her, she insisted. Not only insisted, but made it sound like an order that could not be disobeyed. So last night, I go out with one of my friends and actually try. Well, the cards are stacked agains me due to me being short white and homely. Do I get shot down once, yeppers. Twice? Oh yea. Three times (Oh come on, you gotta be joking) definately. After an amazing fourth time of being shot down, I give up. So maybe I should have taken the hint when even the hookers wanted nothing to do with me. Not that I have ever payed for sex, but I would have thought that I could have gotten some positive response from flirting with a hooker, but nope, not me. Chris, well he was beating the girls off with a stick. Me, I take it that I was the person to go out with to make yourself look better. So yea, needless to say this does nothing to help me squash the fears that Im being cheated on. I know that Im loved by my girl, but my self confidence has taken a few blows since I got to Hawaii. Oh well, in a month I will be home and everything will be better.

[Dj_ez]

Hmmmn, if your wondering where the post is where I admited to being very retarded..................... Then you should realize thats almost every post that I make. Anyways, here it is the 8th of June, for me at least, and I can just think to myself "22 more days man, just 22 more days and we will be home" I should be home on the 1st of July, granted thats going to be a 40+ hour day for me because Im going to fly across the international date line. But hey, Im not gonna bitch to much about it. I get to be home with my love. Now I have to keep the secret for 22 more days. Wow, I wonder if I can do that or not. I know that its driving her nuts, but oh well.

Today has been a very unusuall day for me. EVERY comment made had my dirty mind running in full gear. Sitting down to eat lunch, they start talking about who knows what, and all Im catching are bits and pieces. Yea, its enough for me to think my thoughs, sigh in resignation, and have Cort's Fiancee, Tev, give me strange looks. Now this poor young lass had the unfortunate privlege to sit across the table from me. Only cause the seat across from Cort was already taken. Stupid Crypto Techs, they moved into our section of the Mess decks. So what if the Gunners Mates, and a very select few others, have taken one corner for ourselves. Its only 2 tables, but that has been our section for God knows how long. And here they come and invade our area. N00bs................. What was I talking about again? Oh yea, my dirty mind in overdrive. For the life of me, I cant remember the conversation or what was said. I know that usually I could have kept up without the dirty thoughts but today it was impossible to keep them out of my head. Hey, morning munch (it would be a good morning if I could get some) Whats up munchtacular? (ME!!!!) So there I was (Thats not what she was telling me) Ohhh, to be normal to more people than just myself. Yesterday, I dont know what the hell was wrong with me yesterday. I was in a decent mood for being here floating in the Pacific........ Then out of nowhere, I got incredibly depressed. Dont know why, just happened. Meh, I guess it was about time. I go through these stages where I can be on top of the world and fall to the depths of hell in a matter of a picosecond. I havent done that in a while, so either Fyry is a really good thing for me, or I dont know. I havent felt that way in a while, and it went away in less than one day. Usually it lasts for a few weeks, if not months. Oh, if your wondering about the bandages on my forehead, read the beginning of my last post and you shall understand. The docs tell me that my skull should mend here in a few more months, and the blood loss isnt that bad. They were concerned about the grey matter swelling up untill they realized the truth.......... Its me, no grey matter to worry about. Anyways, its around 8:30 pm my time, and that means its something like 6:30 am San Diego time. I dont have a clue anymore. I used to be 6 hours behind San Dog, then we crossed and I was 18 hours ahead, Im not sure anymore how many time changes we gone through, so Im really confuzzled on who's time is where compaired to me. Hey, Im not even sure if the last time change we did has hit the ships computers yet. So for all I know, it really could be 7:33 pm here. Whatever, my brain fluids are starting to boil so Im gonna....... gonna........ I dont know yet, but Im gonna...................

PEACE!!!

[Dj_ez]

While yesterday my mind was in overdrive concerning sex, today has been on hot pain in the @$$. Ive been outside working all day in the heat and humidity. Normally I wouldnt complain to much, but I was in an area where the breeze that was blowing didnt cross. My luck, working next to the superstructure of the ship blocking the breeze. Oh well............ Now tonight Im depressed, and I dont know why. I cant explain it either, its not just that Im down, but its like I know something is coming thats going to suck horridly, and Im resigned to accept whatever it is, but Im nervously waiting for it to happen. Yea, this is what I assume being on crack, knowing that Im gonna get kicked in the balls, knowing its going to hurt like hades, and still anticipating it is like. Wow, now Im wondering if I even understood what the hell I just typed. So I know how to type properly, but my wrist hurts, so thats telling me that my hands are not positioned properly. If only I could figure out what Im doing wrong other than resting my arms on the desk instead of holding them up properly. Ok, so typing out my complaint actually made the obvious appear.

Now Im on a tangent............ For Halloween this year I think that Im going to buy a Captains Collar device, get a name tape made that reads "Obvious", place them on a pair of coveralls, and go as Captain Obvious. For some reason I dont think that anyone would get the joke. I have the feeling most people (if any) who read this actually get the joke................. Whatever.

911 operator gets a call:

OP: 911 whats your emergency
Blond: HELP HELP MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE
OP: Ok Ma'am, whats your address so we can send the fire department
Blond: SEND THE FIRE GUYS, I NEED HELP
OP: Ok, we still need your address so they know where to go
Blond: SEND THE FIRE GUYS, I NEED THEM NOW
OP: Ma'am, without the address how do you expect them to get there
Blond: DUH, BIG RED TRUCK

LOL, so what if I think this is a bit humorous? It beats white out on the screen............. LOL

I dont know, Im rambling tonight. Guess its because the one I want to talk to is sitting comfortably somewhere other than here next to me. This job sucks on that regard. The only thing that it has to offer is a steady paycheck (granted its a shitty paycheck, but its still steady) Medical? Yea, it may be free, but with how rarely I get sick, I would rather pay the $10 co-pay from my job offer. Dental? Just had my first cavity in 26 years, dont know if I will get more or not, but not to worried about it. Travel: Ok, this one has me. If I wasnt here then I wouldnt have been to some of the places that I have without paying an arm and a leg for it. But on the flip side to that argument is, I would not have to put up with being treated like a child. I have to designate who Im going out with and what we plan to do in WRITING!! And I cant leave the person Im signed out with, nor can they leave me. WTF? Saipan uses american currency, is a US territory (I didnt know that either untill recently) The people collect welfare checks, but dont have to pay that annoying thing called income tax. Or taxes to the mainland US for any reason. Now if they voted to become a state, then they would get the taxes, so for them its better not to be. How did I end up on this tangent? I dont know either, but I miss my girl. It doesnt help that I only have a few pics of her that were taken on a crappy webcam. Ok, so I should be thankfull that I have some pics of her. Lords know that I should have got off my lazy ass and taken some good ones of her a long time ago.

Speaking of pics, I want to put together a calender for us Wotists. Im not looking to sell the calenders, but to give them out to who wants one. Can I get some co operation from anyone here? Yes I can, but not enough to warrant spending that kind of time, money, or effort just for a few. Besides, I would rather have it filled with fellow wotists, but no one wants to co operate. So maybe I will just make one on my laptop of my love, and be happy with that. I dont know how she will feel about having a calender filled with pics of nothing but her, so I have to take that into consideration. Im bouncing topics tonight like I used to do many months ago. Oh well, life will go on.

[Dj_ez]

Wow, I guess you can tell when Im doing good and when Im not. Its like this is the toilet paper to whip my mental butt after I get all the crap out of my head. Either that its the toilet bowl............... These pages are filled with a great deal of my life, and usually its when things are rather bland, bleak, or just plain fucked up. So lets add something new to the mix and see what results:

Today hasnt been bad for me. I forgot to get some things done for work that were due this morning. Thank the Gods that I was able to avoid my Divo untill I got them together. She was impressed with what I had, so she let it slide that I was a bit behind schedule. Well, not really behind. I was supposed to have a binder built for her filled with some specific information. She wanted it when we left Saipan, and we left this morning. So I got it to her about an hour ago, its still the day we left Saipan. Rather than ripping my ass for not having it to her this morning, she was impressed by what I did have for her, so good thing there. Fyry, she is complaining to me that she is turned on and can do nothing about it. Duhh babe, you dont want to play at another persons house, but you dont want to go home and be alone. So now she has to deal with me and my dirty mind when we get into the mood to talk dirty to her. Its not my fault that she doesnt want to do anything. Hey, Im not making her read my emails now am I? Ok, so thats not fair to her, I know, but its fun to tease her. So looking back at it, maybe thats not such a good thing. What if she gets "swept off her feet" and "one thing leads to another?" Yea, these are some of the things my ex told me when she had cheated on me. Im such a dumbass sometimes. I shouldnt worry about her cheating on me. If she does, oh well. Ive dealt with it before and I can deal again. I dont think she will, but, Ive had to many times in my past where Ive thought and was wrong. So I will give her the benifit of the doubt and give her my complete trust. HAHAHAHAHA......... Give her my complete trust. Thats funny. She has all my access to money, is living in my apartment when she isnt spending weeks on end with my ex wife and kids, and Im trusting her to pay the bills on time. Yea, she has my complete trust already. Im just nervous that the past will bite me again, and I know that I shouldnt be. 17 more days, I have to keep repeating that to myself. Ok, so here shortly it will be 16 more days. 16 more days Dan, 16 more days. Not that much longer and we will be in Japan finally. 2 weeks later I fly home. God I cant wait to get there so I can get it over with and come home. I have to ship some things from here to there, and I have to get my move set up so the Navy can come get all my shit. Over the 4th of july weekend we are going to Vegas to get truck from mom. That will be fun I hope. Im not sure if I want to stay the weekend there or if I want to come back to San Diego. Im thinking of taking Fyry to the beach to watch fireworks, and then making love by the water. Only problem is that Im not into voyeurism, giving anyone else a show or ideas that they can have some of what Im getting. I dont want our passions to lead to her getting raped, or us arrested for indecent exposure. Hmmn, instead of in the sand I may lock us in the truck and cover the windows so we can do our thing and not have to worry about anyone watching. Now, I forgot that she doesnt have an ID yet. She looks all of about 15, depending on if she has her glasses on or not. So I can imagine the cops holding me untill we can prove that she is old enough to be with me, and me not go to jail for a very long time. So Im starting to like the idea of hanging in Vegas for the weekend. Granted its going to be in the low 100's F. during the day, but thats ok. Hmmn, maybe I can talk everyone into going camping that weekend......... Nahhh, I dont like the heat that much. I would rather take her out in the middle of nowhere back home, just the 2 of us. That way we can frolick in whatever we want to wear and not have to worry about others being around. Thats going to have to wait untill later in July after we get the apartment packed and we are back at home. Hopefully I have a place to stay there. Mom has way to many roomates for me to want to stay with her for very long, and the rest of my family? My brother is married, so I dont want to stay there. he is living in a 2 bedroom place with 3 or 4 kids..............Nope, not staying there. I dont want to corrupt Kathies kids. My cousin(s)? Both smoke pot, and I dont want to get tangled up in that, I dont want to loose what little visitation I have with my boys. I can just imagine me being at one of their houses when the police came on a raid. I would get caught up in it and have no defense.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Retarded?

Judge: 30 years in a federal pound you in the butt prison

Me: Dooohhhhhh

Ok, so I have a warped imagination, sorry. No one ever promised my thread that I put all my thoughts in would be anywhere close to sane. Bummer, my calender has fizzled methinks. Ohhh Crrrap.................... Tis almost 9 my time and I want to go smoke now. So I think that I will go smoke, then come back and surf the site a little more. Yankee Grey, All Things Considered!! Good song. And on that note ladies and germs..................

PEACE

[Dj_ez]

I guess I need to change my siggy to read 15 more days now. The time is going so damned slowly. But I have just over 2 weeks untill I leave this hole known as sea duty. Thats a good thing. Tonight Im wondering if Fyry is deserving of the suprise I have for her. I tried to chat with her like I usually do, but for some reason I couldnt keep her online long enough, or she was online, just not replying to what I wrote. She has been overly flirtatious with all the guys on this site, especially Shawn1141. I dont know if its just for laughs, but with everything thats happened over the last few years, I dont want to assume the wrong thing. Oh well, if it doesnt work out then I will have to go to plan B. Thats to find the most vile, ugly, repulsive thing possible and start a relationship if possible. That way I dont have to worry about some other guy trying to take her from me, or her trying to find another guy. LOL, no. Ill go against my uncles advice. Ill try to get together with a stripper, that way when it falls apart I will have been expecting it. Ive been warned that most strippers are not right in the head, so............

Tonight Im in a down mood. I havent been able to talk to Sam like I wanted to. Yes, Im underway and I really cant chat long, but I want to take as much time as possible to spend on her. Some days it works, some days it doesnt. Like I said in my prior post, this is where I get all the crap out of my head. Sorry for bouncing subjects. I asked for pics again, to my suprise she agreed without an arguement. Now the only problem is that she is over at Brits house and I dont know when she will be able to take the pics for me. So that means that I shouldnt expect them anytime over the next couple weeks. Oh well, life will go on........................................

[Dj_ez]

Ok, so now I sit on a computer that Im not to sure about. Usually Im on the ship and I know what I can get away with. These, Im not sure about. But I do know that I got to talk to Fyry just a few minutes ago. Dont want to get into that right now.....

[Dj_ez]

I hate this place. I know, it doesnt need to be said yet again, but I really hate this fucking place. Last week I was one of 3 people who actually did something other than finger my butthole. And this morning I get yelled at because I did some work. WTF?! Why not yell at those who did absolutely nothing? Thats right, its because Im leaving in 18 days and Im not buddy buddy with anyone in my division. So, I guess for the next 3 weeks I just wont do shit so at least they will have a good reason to be pissed. Fuck it, fuck it all. Oh, yea, if you couldnt tell I got extended on this peice of shit ship by 2 weeks. Instead of leaving this friday like I should have been, Im now leaving on the 15th of July. GO NAVY!!!!!!! The sad part is that Im taking my frustrations out on those who dont deserve it. Im sorry for that guys and gals, I really am. Shore duty will be better for my mental health and our relationships. For now, please bear with me. I know its a hard thing to do, but please try.......

Sunday I tripped out for no good reason. I posted it in the venting thread I think, but I cant remember. I asked for something simple to be done (at least it seems simple to me, but Im not there) and in my eyes it all failed. So needless to say I freaked out, and when I got here to work this morning I wrote and apologised for it. Oh yea, I need to change my pay thingy. This way I can have some entertainment after payday. All my bills have gone bye bye, except for truck, insurance, and cell phone. Ok, so child support is still there, but its not that much out of my paycheck. Well, at least for now. Lets see how everything goes once Im away from my ex wife and my pay changes. I need to run for now. Maybe tomorrow I will post more and let everyone know whats developing.

[Dj_ez]

So I went to get my pay changes done, and it occured to me that Im to late to affect this payday. Oh well, next time I go down there it will be to stop my split pay all together. I wonder if I can talk them into sending me money via Western Union, fedex, priority mail, whatever. Not like I want much, just a couple hundred. Im the one who works for it, so why cant I get a hand in spending some of it? Ok, so I would just spend it on a drunken night here in Japan. But the point is that I would also be able to buy a new suitcase so when I come home I can bring all my stuff home and not have to mail but a few items. Stupid airports, not letting lighters onto planes. I have to mail Zippo home now. And that bumms me out. My zippo was given to me by my best friend for saving his life. I dont want to trust that to the mail system. Knowing my luck it will get lost in the mail and I will never see it again. Why am I complaining? Im taking a military flight, there will only be military on the plane with me, and they are worried about what? Im going to light the floor on fire? Myself? Whatever. I have to play their game, so I will. Well, its time to check my pay. I found out that they posted what I should be getting paid already, so lets see if there are any mistakes. Have a good day all.............

[Dj_ez]

It still amazes me on the time difference thing. Here, where I am at, I havent posted on this thread in a while. Not since like 8 last night. But now I show that Im posting twice in one day. I cant wait to get back to Cali where I will be closer to the threads time instead of off in lala land.

So now Sam is thinking of getting her nipples peirced. Ok, whatever. But very much like Brit, she wants to get them done while Im away. WTF?! If its really as intense as Ive been told, then I wanna watch. If not, then I want to be there to comfort her.

[Dj_ez]

Life love and the persuit of happiness. So thats what they tell me what its all about. Dont know about that, just know that I am finally around a computer that I can play with and not have to worry about much. So here I sit back in my state, finally at home with my family. The only things that are missing are the boys and Wotism on a daily basis. Yea, for a while I lived in San Diego and didnt have a life outside of Wotism. Guess I need to get back into it, cause I dont have much to do here at home other than work and sleep. OH well, at least people who care know that Im still living.

[Dj_ez]

A couple months........ Ok, more like 3 and lots has happened. But for now I have to go to Hooters for dinner so I will get back on here later and kinda catch everything up to where it should be. But Im definately going to leave some parts out. Not really memories I want to revisit.

[Dj_ez]

so here I sit after a year plus being away. It seems like such a short time ago that I was here on a regular basis. Now that I look back it was a very long time indeed. What, roughly 2 years?!!! And now I find myself in need of a place to vent my frustrations, but nowhere else seems good enough. Granted there are a few new faces to be seen around, guess maybe I should not have left. Well, lets get a cup of coffee and begin shall we..........


For those who may care, I find myself sitting here with my wife sleeping on the couch again. She has not been to bed with me in just about a month. She tells me that its because the bed makes her back hurt, but yet she is unwilling to do anything about it. The other day she informed me that she wants to get a divorce. Ok, neither of us are happy so whatever. Does she get the paperwork? Nope, I have the joy *HEAVY sarcasm with that one* of going to get them today. But she also wants to continue living with me. Uhh, nope, dont think so. So lets see what I can keep after the judge gets done raping me and giving her everything. It only took her 8 months of being married to me to decide that she doesnt want to be married anymore. That and she is Preggo, so in my warped mind..........She just wanted the child support and whatever else she could get out of me. And like a dumbass I jumped right in and let her. Fuck it all.........thats what I get for being stupid.

[Dj_ez]

So things have worked themselves out.

But here I am, wondering why the world is rocking back and forth like a ship out to sea. A multitude of thoughts are running through my head, but the one that is most prevailant is who the heck is screaming? Then it dawns on me, that is me screaming. And the world is rocking because I fell off the ladder and the harness caught me. There is also the reason I am screaming. The twins had all 170lbs of me land on them when I fell. Something a