Talk about throwing caution into the wind..I like.

[Eolyn]

Ranting is a perfect way to get all the shit out of your head..I do it often but ranting to urself can be just as bad as keeping it bottled up.Ranting to friends and family has its draw backs so this place is a pretty cool idea.

Ranting.....if I do I loose the control i've had over my rage and exasperation so I think I'll pass for now and wait untill it is about to overwelm me as I know it will. :grumbles:

[Eolyn]

Right well..........................pressing this button hard is making me feel better...............................................................................................

Anyway.Ever have one of those months where everything goes wrong?Well Im there right now.
1) Im totally and utterly broke!!!
2)Im living with two guys that I dont get along with!!!I mean at first me and Denis got on great, really great!!even stayed put all night one night talking and laughing.next thing I know he's Woody Allen and giving out to me.Haven't spoken to him since..it was totally uncalled for!!!
3) Every guy I have met since coming here has tried to sleep with me!!!!Even the one's who are my older sisters good friends!!And now my sister isn't talking to them.
4) Im miles away from home and I miss my family.
5)the two good friends Iv made down here live further away so going out at night is not an option for them.
6) Im broke!!
7)a guy I met while on this course has changed his mind and now he doesnt like me(romantically)just when I decide that I like him!!!Its actually causing me alot of problems when I see him.ouch.
8)I booked a bus ticket to go home last sunday and I didnt have the right documentation when I got there so they wouldnt let me on the bus.I lost 25€!I also had to buy another ticket but missed my bus and didnt get home till nine at night.
9)Im terrible missing my ex and I really wish I wasnt.I dont want to get back with him,god knows it was nearly impossible to get out, but I do miss him. :(
10)the last time I went out I so smashed I had to be carried home and now I cant show my face anymore.
11)Oh and Im broke!!!!!!

...I know I sound like a whinny little b*tch but hey,thats what this thread is here for.

[Eolyn]

Ahh my head...even worse my tummy. :cry:

I hadn't planned to go out last night but my roomate and his significant other persuaded me.I was only gonna have one or two...stupidly I thought I had learned my leason the last time I went out.I was wrong.

My friend Sarah met up with us and we had a real good time.I started drinking more and I didnt even notice I was swaying in my seat.
Some guy in his early thirties got a little carried away with his sick fantasies and tried to kiss me.Sarah literally had to pull him off me.It was very tramatising.

We went to our local that had the best band playing there and I saw the guy that had planned to sleep with me on my first week in Kerry but I wasnt interested.He's nice as a friend but always trying to chance his arm.My sisters ex was with him.Bob is the nices soul you'd ever meet and I had a good time there.I just ened up really drunk and I hate they saw me that way.I had bouncers lifting me up in the air and my friends picking me off the streets trying to get me home.It took my flatmate Denis and Sarah AND her friend kristine to get me into bed.

Why do I always get like that?I feels so stupid(understatement)in the mornings and I still go out and do it again even when I have no intension of doing it.

....no Im not an alcoholic if any of ye are wondering.I rarely go out but I just cant handle my drink when I do.

I need something for the head.

[Eolyn]

In college and my brain isnt co-opperating with me.I dont get any kind of response when I think "hey brain, concentrate". No amount of mental shaking has worked so far.Im going swimming tonight and hopefully that will help with what ever mental disfunction Iv got.Dont know how Im going to get through the week.Iv got a class party tomorrow that I want to go to but I have to miss boxing. :(
I love boxing.
I also have swimming first thing in the morning on wednesday AND the students 10K walk.Its for charity and Im trying to convice people to do it.Why is a two mile walk so unapplealing?Im going to be so knackered.
Then on thursday Iv got aerobics classes to teach and boxing after.Work on friday and saturday and iv planned to stay brain dead for most of sunday.

Im so hungry but Im afraid to go into the canteen coz He's there.I have totally blown it with him.I turn to jelly every time I see him and we always have this unconfotable moment where he says hello to me and I nearly busting with the desirer to say more but its too late now.He liked me.It was fairly obvious...obvious to everyone but me that is.I know its too much to hope for that he will act against his every instinct and make a move...especially when Iv given him no encouragement.In my own defense his signals could of been more direct...and if he likes me enough he should try a little harder,right?

I wish I could just forget about him but opperation cold turkey doesnt seem to be working.
*scouts for a new infatuation.*

[Eolyn]

I cant believe I spent a whole 10 minutes talking about him to you yesterday.I cant believe I'v spent this long thinking about him.I saw him today and we gave each other those shy looks we are so familiar with and I didnt turn away.I searched for some kind of turn off.Unfortunately I didnt find one.A guy with no faults that are visable to the public?I dont like that.Iv reasoned out that,that is why I cant like him.I have so many faults I cant even count them..but I like my faults(to an extent).All those faults and quirks are what make me, me. I couldnt stand someone that didnt have something off about him.I walk through college everyday with a strippy,colouredy woolen beany hat on my head.I love that hat and it keeps my head warm...it also holds in all my great idea's.And yes I do occasionally have great idea's!!
I dont care if people dont like it or give me a quizing look(which suprisingly rarely ever happens..I live in a cool town).I'd FEEL weird if I was around a perfect.I am weird and I know it but I dont FEEL weird which hopefully will never happen.

Sorted the infatuation out.I knew logic would save me. :D

[Eolyn]

Sorted the infatuation out.I knew logic would save me. :D

Ok im not going back on what I said but what are the odds that he would come up and talk to me after two weeks of strangeness between us the day I become ok with him not liking me!!??

I dont want him really.Its because I cant have him that I feel this way.Iv hurt alot of peoples feelings because of that.I want them when I cant have them,then I get then and I realise I dont want them.Its not fair and Im not even going to consider it.

[Eolyn]

Ok so I was starting to think Id fallen off gods chart but Its seems I spoke to soon.Last night I got everything I had hoped for, for the past week or two.
I drank(which is no suprise), yet I didnt get drunk!!!I had been praying that I'd not embarrass myself in public and I didnt. :dance1:

I also didnt get with this guy I knew had a thing for me.I was afraid I get sorry for myself and get with him when he tried to kiss me...I say when because I knew he would try and he did.I just pulled away and we laughed about it as if I had been a joke.(male protective mechanisum)Im glad about that.

But the best thing of all is I got with Him !!The guy I'v been hung up over.We kinda bet around the bush for a bit but in the end...
He an ok kisser.Not the best but ok.He doesnt want anything to come of it and Im strangely ok with that.I guess it was more of a conquest kind of thing.I like him but im ok with friends...actually I think it would be cooler for us to be friends.*hugs self and sighs*

Em..I just re-read this and I realised that some of it sounded...more involved then it really was.So lets just clear this up a bit.To put it plain, im a good girl.I have never in my life slept around..actually Iv only ever been with one guy and that was my long term boyfriend.Im 90% of the time good.I can be bad when I wanna be..and there are times when I wanna be,but its never been a sex thing or anything too sexual.Where I am from when we say "I was with him" we mean I kissed him.
I feel abit embarrassed by this all of a sudden.Im not an innocent or anything, Im just...me. *shrugs*

[Eolyn]

Ok so it was my mothers birthday yesterday and I forgot.If my dad hadn't text my and told me I would of gone through a whole week with out noticing mum hadnt called.I know this is no excuse but its because im living away now that I forgot!I new it was this month but I didnt know when exactly.I text her happy birthday and I was so relieved when Elayne(my sis) ordered a batch of flowers to be sent to the house from both of us.That also made me feel worse coz Elayne lives in dublin and she even remembered.

I had a long talk with mum last night anyway and I feel really sorry for her.Everytime I talk to her Im guaranteed a bit of gossip.Her family are totally crazy and make her life a living hell.I wish I was there to give her a big hug coz I know she's upset.
My uncle Danny is the biggest pig there is.When grandad died he left the house to my aunt Sarah(the one who just got remarried to the muslem and is making a balls of her life) because she's the youngest and wasnt settled in life.Sarah was having financial difficulties at the time and Danny offered to buy the house off her...he bought it for so much less then the asking price and she couldnt sell it to anyone else coz gran still lived there.Then when Sarah seperated from her husband and she needed somewhere to stay he let her stay in his old house(he moved into a bigger one) but she could only live in half of it(he had split he house in to and walled it up).It wasnt that big and she had two children AND he charged her rent and sent his wife over to the house every month the day it was due to collect it from her..if she didnt have it she would wait in the kitchen untill she got it.When Sarah left the house and moved elsewhere he tried to charge her more coz she had painted the kitchen even though it needed it and she had bought the paint herself!!!Im suprised he's not charging gran rent for living in her own house.
He's causing more trouble now.He hates my mum and makes her life hard as a past time.I hate him and everytime I see him I get so angry,esp when he is being nice to me(he finds that funny).

I dont know how brothers and sisters can treat each other that way.I couldnt even imagin being angry at my family for long.I have my differences with Jon but I love him and I know he loves me.Claire is too cut to hate but I make a good try at it soom times.Elayne is...my favourite.It like the story Little Women(except there's Jon).Elyane and I get on better and Jon and Claire get on better.I will never do anything like what mums family are doing to her.
Im so glad she has dad.

[Eolyn]

Oh Light!The boxing club are hosting a fund raiser to buy supplies tonight.It a pimps & prostitutes night in a night club.Since im in the club(boxing club that is) I gotta attend.I was out already this week and saturday and now tonight????Oh and i gotta dress like a whore!!!I dont own anything slutty!!! :angel: :2eyes: :devil:Hehee.

Im trying to drag people with me but im not getting any possitive freedback.

:(

[Eolyn]

Ok....Im a little afraid to say what happened.If I say it then it actually happened and then Im not the person I thought I was anymore.
If I dont say it though it'll be like thise horrid secret Iv got and I dont want that kind of thing festering in me.

I'll leave the worst till last..actually there's only one bad thing that happened last night and Im not even sure how I real about that..thing.

It was the coolest party ever.I was wearing a short denim skirt and for my top I wore I red silk string top that was see through everywhere except for my boobs. :blush:
I had these fish net stockings and suspenders.Then my boots.I was so funny.Denis(my flat mate) nearly fell over from the shock of how revealing it was.Compared to every one else though I was mildly sluty.All the guys dressed as prostitutes and some even had better clothes then me!
I had an arguement at one stage with a guy in my class about who's boobs where nicer.

Ok so well...I found someone to go with me.
I brough Dorien, my sis's freind that had wanted to sleep with me but I said no yet we are still cool with each other.I thought Id have Marion(other roomate) with me also but she got delayed.
Dorien and I had a good night.We had the biggest laugh and I was really having fun.At one point he said he was going coz most people where going to the night club and he doesnt like them.I told him to stay coz I didnt want to be on my own.To make a long story short,I was hugging him and I had the great fucking idea of kissing him!!!And he kissed me back.I didnt want him to leave for some reason.We left soon after and went back to my house.

Im sure ye can all see where this is going.

I told him he could stay the night with me instead of waking up a friend and crashing there(he had been drinking so he couldnt drive home).
He agreed.We kissed and before I could really think about what I was doing I was undressing him and him me.I new what I was doing but I didnt stop to think about it.I have only slept with one other person in my life and that was my boyfriend.Now...I stopped him during it because I wasnt sure I wanted it AND also...now listen to this!....also we didnt have any protection and we still went ahead and...ya know.

It doesnt seem real.It happened and I dont know how to feel about it.The scarest thing about this is Im feeling nothing.He stayed the night in my bad just cuddling me and I cant get upset about hte whole thing because he wasnt just in it for the sex.He was...like me I guess.He wanted it but liked me too.I liked him sleeping beside me.Iv always loved going to sleep with a guy curled up beside me.How can I be ashamed when it wasnt as seedy and emotionless as I though it would be.I told my friend Julie when I came into college this morning(he drove me in).The fist words out of her mouth where "you little slut"I know she was saying it messingly but its true though.I hate the though of casual sex and all it doesnt envoke inside you.I dont know if I cound call last night as casual sex because...I thinbk Id do it again but...I know I dont want to be in a relationship with him.I wont do it again...I hope but the fact that I wouldnt get repulsed by the idea is upsetting.

I knew what kind of person I was.I knew the extent of what I was capable of doing and what I felt about things.Now Im sorta lost.I dont want to be like that and Im really scared.Im ashame of what I did yet when I think back on it Im not.I dont know if Im explaining it clearly.

Im not the same person I was yesterday...and I liked that person.

[Eolyn]

So I haven't talked to Dorien yet.
He text me but I didnt answer.
I dont know what I'll do if I see him.
Now Im starting to feel the regret.

I was afraid that after it happened I wasnt feeling upset about it because I really didnt care inside.That I had been pretending all my life I was this certain kind of person when really, deep inside, I wasnt.How can you miss something that was never there?
Im missing it now. I feel so bad and I cant fix it.I think about my ex and I cringe at the thought of him finding out.It was like he new it was going to happen.That I was really weak inside or too innocent for my own good. How can you be innocent after what I did, you ask? I stupidly thought I was going to be the way it was with Domimic(my ex).All sweet and joyfull.It wasnt always like that but...with Dorien...I cant discribe it...I dont want to.

Now that Iv had time to think about what happened and what I really feel about it...I realise I didnt like it at all!Being able to tolerate something, cope through something is not the same as liking it.I would never do that again and Im relieved to know that I am feeling the truth of these words as I say them.

Im also afraid of the consiquences of what iv done.My life would be totally...warped by it.My family would hate me, my friends would abondon me, Dorien would be in my life forever!!Id have to forget everything I had wanted and hoped for and...and Id be put in the possision of being able to fix it and Im scared I might crumble and accept it...yet I know I could never do that.But just the torture of having a way out and knowing I couldnt take it..would be harder then anything.Id be stuck for the rest of my life, working for the future of another.It might not happen.It probably wont but if it does,the Eolyn I am now would truely be lost forever.

Light!Iv really turned this into a morbid place.Im going to turn all the writing to a nice pretty colour coz if things get more depressing then this place will only make me more sad and thats not the reason for this thread.

[Eolyn]

Ok so everytime I read that last post my eyes get sore...sorry.

I think Im going to be able to get over it.I just need some one to tell me it wasnt that bad...(thanx Dj :) )
Im waiting for my flatmate Den to not bring his girlfriend Peggy over for once, so I can talk to him about it.Once the "bad" thing doesnt happen Im fine.

Im in college right now, dossing.I have first aid all this week so no classes.
:dance1: Im not looking forward to next week...CA's!!!*eary music starts to play*
No happiness to talk of.I just got my late birthday card from Dominic this morning.(my birthday was in october)*rolls eyes*Gotta love im anyway.
Iv got boxing tonight and I really am not up for it.I'll go on thursday...

Ah shit Iv got swimming first thing in the morning also!!!Damn course.

[Eolyn]

Last night I got into bed and I just suddenly felt...great!I realised that my life is actually pretty good.I have what I REALLY need and what I REALLY wanted!

Like:
I am living with people I really get on with so Im never allown and have someone to talk to if I need it.
I have money in the bank so I dont have to worry about going hungry(that actually happened to me before)
I have cool friends in college that I can have fun with and they are real about who they are.
I have a new best friend that would do anything for me and we are so alike I think mum might have misplaced her at the hospital when we where leaving.
I have a job that doesnt demand to much work of me AND my new besty(her names Shelly) has gotten a job there too!
My parents have been so supportive of me and are currently paying off my loan untill my grant comes in.
I have an ex who still loves me and would travell all the way down to see me if I needed him(thats a long way!)
My gran is still alive even though she has been weak for months..years really.No one expected her to live this long.Im happy.

Im am in a great place and I just suddenly realised it.When I did I had to get down on my knees and thank god.(im serious I prayed and thanked him/her for everything..)
Life is good and I just wanted everyone to know!!!I dont like complaining all the time.

So YOU have a good day too and think about all the things you should be grateful for. :D

[Eolyn]

Well Iv been working since nine this morning and I think my head might just explode.
I was on the registar all day.My break was at 12 so I had from 1-6 on reg straight.I think that is illegal to have me working so long.When I finally got off reg they had me running around the shop doing stuff and acting like I dont do any work!!!The truth is I work my ass off there, even when everybody else is up in the store room chatting, pretending to do work!!Fuck them.
AND they wont put me down for working sundays which is a bitch.I only work weekends and I need the money.Only full time people get to work on sundays.
Fuck them.
I almost gave in to my homicidal tendancies when they had the singing xmass lights on all day.It went right through my head!!!We only had about half an hour of work to go and it was still playing.When I picked it up I was afraid I might break it I was so crazy.Thankfully I just turned it off and pulled at my hair.
Grr.Fuck them.
Im going to get a new job.I have to.If they wont give me the hours I need then I have to.
AND I want to.
Fuck them.

[Eolyn]

I had a phone call from Dominic last night.He just rang to say hey.It was so strange though.It was like all the hardship that had been between us because of our break up had just washed away.I talked to him like I havent in a long time.I realise I miss him.I can tell him anything...and I did.I told him about Dorien and what I did.He's worried about me and it made me feel so good to have someone really care about how I am again.
We talked for hours and in the end our topic of conversation didnt stay so casual.We talked about the good times we had and the things we had gone through together.
To tell you the truth, I love him.I know I said I was keeping Love at arms length in the Love thread and its the truth.He lives so far away and it could never work...and if I cant have him as a boyfriend then I cant have him as anything.Im not going to open myself up to the hurt.He's planning on coming down to me in a week or two and he'll be staying with me...I know it would be easy for us to just let ourselves open up to each other again and that is most likely what will happen...what we both hope will happen...but Im not going to do it, not if Im just going to have to say goodbye to him again.

I miss him today, I'll miss him tomorrow and I'll probably miss him forever...and I wouldnt have it any other way.
Bye bye, love.

[Eolyn]

After our strangely warm and loving conversation the last night we have both gotten...weird on each other.
I was talking to him yesterday and also today where we had been going weeks without talking...thats good I suppose.He's also kind of with someone.Kind of!!
She small and goodlooking and thin and got a great ass and...im repeating what he's said btw.
He says its casual but...still.How can he get over me so fast?He loved me.I know for a fact he did!!I loved him too and even when I felt over him I knew i wasnt.Ok in all fairness I shouldnt even be saying this as I broke up with him.I should be happy he has someone else.Im not though.How can you want to get away from somebody so bad you almost hate them and then have this need for them after?Our breakup wasnt like most.I just didnt want to go out with him anymore coz of how bad things where for me at the time and he was only making them worse.Its not coz I didnt care about him.Now Im sitting here, forcing myself to remember all the hardship I had with him.How he wouldnt stop, how he'd always try to make things better when he couldnt, when we broke up and kept calling making me promise I would turn from him as a friend.I see those images but all I can feel is how much I care about him.
Im encouraging him to get more seriopus with this girl(no point in me holding him back) but we both know how it is between us.

I dunno how to handle this.

[Eolyn]

Ok so Iv got my 10k walk tomorrow.Yeah I said 10k!
Its for charity.Iv only got about €30.Iv gotta go around and hassle people to sponsor me now.
10K!!!I dont know how Im going to do it.Its so long and Im missing lectures to do this.I hope its not cold or raining tomorrow but since its Ireland...the chances are not good.
Im reallt happy im doing this though.Everytime I see one of those adds from appeal or something I feel bad I dont send money.I can walk for six and a half mile for them though.At least I can say that once, I did something for charity.And its on every year so I'll hopefully do it again.

It a student charity to help build houses for cronically ill children and children with cancer and heart monators and stuff.I wish more people where doing it.

[Eolyn]

Light Im so tired.Today I walked six and 1/2 miles for charity.It happened to be the best fun Iv had in a long time.Well stopped every car from college to...it doesnt matter coz ye wont know it but its a long way, asking for money for charity.I had a bucket and everything! :D
We had police men and women laughing and joking with us and once the officer stopped a car for us and asked for all their change to go to charity.The six miles seemed like nothing with all the fun.It started to rain at the very end and everyones humour started to somber.
I was suprised that when I sat down eventually my muscles where killing me.I didnt go to any of my lecture and I really should have.I spent all my time in the computer labs, talking on college chat rooms.There's these two guys that know me but I dont know them.Its was a little weird at first but this one guy, Barry, is really funny.I dont mind much coz Im having a laugh with them.
I had to go to aerobics today at six coz its required by my course.I have been getting kinda slack on my fittness and missing some boxing classes but I hadnt realised how unfit I had gotten.Also the people from boxing where giving me those "your not keeping up with your boxing" kinda look.So straight after aerobics I had boxing which nearly killed me!I love it though.I feel really great...even though every muscle in my body wont stop quivering and Iv got this light headed feeling that I cant shake.
The only bad thing about the day is that during aerobics someone stole my red cardigan!!It was lovely and wooly and I really loved it.I made a point of going all the way home to get it.If I ever catch them they are going to be sorry. :mad:
Oh sorry that wasnt the only bad thing about today...Its really darik out side and its pissing raining and I have to walk home in that..without my red cardie.

I am so doing that charity walk again next year.I feel really good that I did it and we made a shit load of money.About twenty/twenty five people walked it and all had buckets filled up with money...and thats only the money we got during the walk, its not counting the people that sponsored all of us. :dance1:

I can still hear the rain... :blue:

[Eolyn]

Well I spent nine hours on the net last night!If it was anything else I was addicted to I be in rehab right now.I need help. :type:
Grrr.Dont you just hate it when you give someone your number in friendship they think its something else!!!Worse when they then spread your number around to people you just know but wouldnt normally give it to!!!! :mad:
My number is currently being spread around the college to these guys who Iv only talked to a few times!!!Their nice but it spots their!Then you have the hassel of recieving texts and then having ignore them.Then you get evil looks everytime you see them cause you didnt text back.The hassel,the headache,the homicidal tendancies!
The clubs and soc's night is tonight and Im really looking forward to it.Its a real formal event in the college and one of the best nights of the year!I got free tickets! :dance1:
Iv got a pretty skirt and a pretty top!Its in a big hotel and I am gonna have a great time...thats what I tell myself anyway.I havent had a good night out in ages.I am so not drinking much either...that what I tell myself.
As you can see I talk to myself quiet abit.Im a very good conversationalist.Good company too. ;)

[Eolyn]

Oh and when I do go out Im going to stun everybody into silence with my cuteness!
For those that have told me Im not cute...or that I am cute...em...or what ever you said!Yeah!You know who you are!*points at the blasphemer*
Imagine someone implying you werent pretty!or that he thought you where but had bad taste! :grumbles:

"Dont listen to him,Eolyn.He's a meany"
"yeah I know but well..grrr"
"i'll smack him for you,would that make you feel better?"
"..yeah that would.thanx Eolyn"
"no problem"


....mad.

[Eolyn]

Ok so I went out last night....It was great.I had a really great time and I didnt get too drunk!Everything I hoped for.I also got with a guy I have fancied for awhile....funny how when from afar they look like the greatest thing on earth and then you have the chance to get with them...or actually do and then you think "why did I think they where so great again?what was the attraction?"
Funny that.Maybe im just a strange person or maybe the alcohol has bloked my senses but I dont fancy him anymore.
Maybe this is how it is for guys.(I dont mean all of ye by the way,just some) You know when they chase after you and then once they get with you they loose all intrest?Now I know what it feels like.Strange.
I was too tired though to go to swimming this morning at nine so I missed the class and they ended up doing some really cool stuff!That'll teach me.I wasnt going to go to Labs either but I missed it last week and I figured I had to.Good thing I did coz he said that if you miss more than three labs you fail the year!!!Iv missed two already.My friend Joan has missed four!
We dont know if he's fucking with our head or what.I think he is but...Im not possitive.
Im SO not doing this year over!!!!
I gave someone a bit of addvice yesterday and they didnt take to it really well.They gave me a totally different veiw on the subject and he's waiting for me to say something conforting back...but now...now I dont know what to say.How do you confort that.For myself, when things get bad I dont get so down coz I wont let myself.I block it out.I turn off all my feelings and just go through life not worrying about it.I did that with my exams last year.If I had let myself feel alittle maybe I would of done better.There are goods and bads to what I do but it works for me.Switch off.Dont care about it.It makes for a very bad image of yourself but if it gets you through then...do it.
I may not be the best person to give addvice anyway so its just as well I have nothing to say.

[Eolyn]

Well I was on the phone to dominic on saturday.Im not going to get into it but we had "one of those" conversations.*blushes perfusely*

..ahem..anyway.afterwards we talked and he thinks that we could be the kind of friends who could "confort" each other...regularyly if we wanted.
the thing is he's done this before with a friend and i dont see him as just a friend.he's coming down new years and i know we could...very likely...*cough*..you know.
But I dont want to be here for his needs only.So I said i didnt want that.Confusing I know but just bare with me.
When he told me he had done this before with Sorcha i was actually hurt.He hadnt told me that when we went out.Im glad he hadnt cos I got so jealous.He isnt who I thought he would be and yet he is.
Im stuck.
So those kind of conversations should be enialated!!they started this.

[Eolyn]

*Yawn*
Im so tired.I cant believe the time!I thought I was only here for,at most, two hours.I dont have my presentation finished yet but its not due in till monday so im good.Iv got stuff due in for tomorrow thopugh and its not done.Another all nighter,it seems.

Im glad I got all that out in the seduction thread.I was worried about it before but now im just realy determined to fix it,or..me.whatever.Its going to be fixed anyway.

Sometimes I get freaked out by strange stuff.Like whenever I think about the fact(i use the word fact,but is it really?) that we are just people living in this world surrounded by blackness that goes on forever.The foreverness of the blackness scares me.How can it? If you think of a small box with a tiny ball inside...whats outside the box? where does it stop? Or how my life is nothing to everybody else. What i think every second of every day is just going by un noticed but it has an impact on me everyday. I look at someone and I think "whats going on in there? what are they thinking?" We are all so inportant to ourselves yet we can stand so close to someone and it still doesnt matter. Everybody is working apart from me. I do everything I do and someone else doesnt realise what it means, just like I dont realise how they are there.
What does it matter that im a good person?That I feed my cats every morning? That when Den is having a bad day I dont other him? Nothing.
Thats why I have to believe in god. I theres no god then all my thoughts, feelings and actions go by un-noticed and living has been a waste.

What's the point of life? To fill the blackness that surrounds us? some perpose.

[Eolyn]

You think that during xmas people would be more loving and kind...
we'll they'r not!My boss wants me to work right up untill the day before xmas eve!!nornally thats good but I live very far from home and that would mean I would have to travel five hours on a buses a change of buses?no way!!

they told me I could have xmass off!Im so lonesome for my family.I havent seen them in months and I wont see them for ages after.If I have to travel home on xmas eve...I might not come back..thats how home sick I am.

I cried in work when she said that and I conforted myself with ice-cream,crisps,cigeretes, chocolate and I would have downed a whole bottle of wine had I found the bottle opener!!I dont know what im to do.

I cried when I told mum and dad.Xmas is the best in my house.We have volavonts on xmas eve at midnight and spend the whole week watchin dvds in the sitting room where dad falls asleep and eating sweets and stuff.Im a kid at xmas...im gonna miss most of it.Its not going to be the same.
I hate them.I miss my family.

..xmas week alone in that flat! :blue: :blue: :blue: :blue: :blue:

[Eolyn]

Well im back after a five day absence...a long time for me. :blush:
I was out and about and again im in more bother than I would have wanted...and again its centered around men. :grumbles:

Its a long story but in short I kissed a guy from work at the work xmas party...I am regretting it now as aparently he was going out with this girl from work who was there and only up till afew day ago they where a couple....HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well now im the b*tch and he is the love intrest so doesnt get any anger.All the next day i was given dirty looks!!

GGGGGGGGGGGGGrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRR GET A LIFE!!!!

Iv got anger issues btw.

Not only that I think he's telling everybody I slept with him!!!Fucker!!
Im staying well clear of lads now.....*cough* ;)

I was with a guy from boxing last week...his not my type but..he was maybe the nicest guy iv ever met in a long while.thats why i was with him.I dont know how it will be at boxing...he puts up a front for everybody but that night...he was onpen and really sweet.

...lets just see what happens...

[Eolyn]

Well I got a phone call this morning from Dominic(my ex..thats what I call him coz now i dont think of him as anything else).He told me that he "found" this site and read abit and stopped coz he realised it was me.BULL!!

I told him about this site ages ago and he wanted to read it but i wouldnt let him.I have said stuff I dont want anybody who knows me to read...It never accured to me someone might...

Now im faced with either letting him read it or deleting it all..but i cant.Its like setting fire to my journal.

God I hate him right now!!He promised me he'd never go looking for it and now im supposed to believe he just stummbled onto it after all his begging to see it.I dont care if he reads how much I loved him coz he can read all the shit I said about him..I feel abit guilty he will see that coz it might hurt him but he brought this uppon himself.

I had to delet one post though...God damn him.

To Dominic:read if you will but I really hate you and this is one thing I made you promise not to do...now I'll never be asking you for anything ever again!!!

...over-reacting you say...I dont care about him enough to forgive him.:blue:

..Hah I just read his email and he also lied to me about being with his friend!He just keeps getting better.

[Eolyn]

Well iv been away for awhile and the reason is I was out partying alot and ended up with alcohol poisoning.Yeah!I was basically drinking since xmass and when new year came I was constantly drunk...strangely I never had a hangover *thanks god!*
I know...it sounds really bad...and it is.I have excuses but thats all they are..excuses.

I also forgave Dominic btw.He came down after new year...(one reason i was drunk alot)

I cant talk about what happened yet...got I still cant believe it!!!

I can say that this one guy that came with him(he brought lots of friends) had a plan to sleep with me!The jerk!!!I talked to him alot coz he's from south africa and training to be a minister and we dissused alot about life and god but it was a sleezy, sneeky scheme to get me in bed..(I think it was a bad plan coz I wounldnt have).

I'll go and come back when im more in the mood to explan this.

[Eolyn]

Im not going to talk about what happened cos im still exasperated with the whole thing.
Instead i'll talk about the new tattoo i got two days ago!!Its so cool!!!I love it!
Its on my back between my shoulder blades and its simalar to the one i got before but more design.It hurt like hell!!!I was way worse than my fist one!!!I not know why.Apparently the farther you go up the back the sorer it is.
It was so bad he didnt colour it all in just tidied it up so it wouldnt look like it wasnt finished and that was that.
Now im not a coward or afraid of pain but that was too much for me.I a lickle ashamed I couldnt hack it but...what can you do.

Cost me €120!!!my last one was only €90.Grrr. when i get a didgetal pic of it ill post it. :D

My family is going to fucking kill me though. Once-ok. twice?-no fucking way!!!!

Im a dead woman come summer.

[Eolyn]

Itchy itchy itchy!!!Good damb this tattoo!!!i wanna scratch but i cant!!!!!!!
*pulls hair out instead*

I had everyone in my family even my dad text me today reminding me it was mum and dad's anniversary!!!even my ten yr old sis!!!I feel bad they all thought id forgotten!!!


Im in the computer lab again..not in class AGAIN!!
I had to go on a date on saturday!i didnt know it was a date until my friend told me!!!Thank god nothing happened but i was really nervous that it would.I was with him before!It was Damien. I nearly died when he asked me!!I kept going on about how we are just friends...i think he got the message but i feel bad.

At least other people where there and we wernt alone!!!

[Eolyn]

ok so im in the drama society and we are hosting a medieval night as a fundraiser!!!It going to be class!!!

We will have a king and a queen!!!A jester!A princess who will be won at the end of the night by the luck man who beats the others in a contest!!!We will have a Merlin and a gypsy telling fortunes!!We will have a heads man and a beggar.
We will have a poor guy stuck in the block yard and people can through fruit and stuff at him!!!

Then at the end of the night we are going to have a slave auction!!!Seven lovely ladys and gent's will be bidded for and they will be their slaves untill midnight!!!!

Everyone is getting dressed up and i cant wait!!!IIm the promotion person and i got a lot of posters to do!!!!

I am also going to be one of the slaves and i thought that will be cool but what if....whay if nobody bids for me??? :blue:

I dont know what i would do!!!Id be so embarressed!!!Cringe!
I think ill just be the qypsy or Merlin or summit.

[Eolyn]

Ok so my fucked up tattoo is really fucked up!!!Iv only had it a week and its starting to really fade!!!Im shitting it that im gonna have a fucked up tattoo for life but even worse that i'll have to pay another €120 to get it re-done!!

I talked to the person who done it but the way he was talking implied that i would have to pay to do it even though its his fucking fault!!!Im bringing my friends to back me up and shout abuse at them if they try that...


This was a big cock-up!!! :blue: :blue: :blue: :blue: :blue: :blue: :blue:

[Eolyn]

Ok so i went to the tattoo place and they checked it out and said that they would do it again for me free of charge.

I thought that was fucking great but the pain was really bad...nothing i couldnt stand but bad...It was a scar being torn oven again literally!!! :( :blue: :blue: :blue:

He did the whole thing though and he didnt have to and i thought that was nice.

I dont care if it was a hundred time worse I wouldnt of gone through life with a faded tattoo!!!!

I hope this one stays now. :)

[Eolyn]

Ok so ill start at the beginning.
I got drunk last week and it was bad.Its a long story and i dont want to go into it all so read the drinking thread and ye will hear all about it.

I was talking to Dominic last night and we had a big fight.He was preaching to me about being mature and stuff.Just cause im not ok with sleeping with him when im drunk?ggrrrrr.
I told him i regreted it....i wasnt very nice.I was sick of being nice to him!!he recks my head!!!Im like the guy and he's the girl!!he's all "you dont love me" and "you hurt me and i dont think you even realise it". I want to kill him sometimes.
He is so frustrating!!!

Now onto the love part. :love: :love:
Well theres this guy in my course and he is the nicest guy iv ever met..i think.
He is so nice!!not sweet just nice.He listens to you when you talk and gets involved in it.He looks at you fully when he does.Not in the creepy way,but in the "i know you'r there" way. *sighs*

He goes to boxing with me...(i asked him to come and he did). He is now my partner in it (strangely how it turned out). He sorta invited himself to come hillwalking with me and a friend(i wonder why?? :D ). He sat beside me today when all his friends where across the room and walked me out of class.

Im purposely taking these as signs though they may not be.I really like him and i havent really liked someone in ages.Oh yes iv fancied guys but not actually liked them!!!

*sighs and thinks about him* :blush: :blush:

But now im at a loss as to what to do!!im afraid to go for it coz it could be just a friend thing and i dont want to mess that up.I am afraid not to coz i dont want to pass this up.My friends are a bit confused with the signals/non-signals he's been giving.

*sighs and worries* :dozey:

[Eolyn]

So ye know about my lickle infatuation with the guy from my course-Declan.(why do they all ahve names starting with D?)
What you dont know is there's someone else.
Remember when i got really drunk and fought with the head of the drama soc?well we fought over a guy.A guy she lives with.Stupid i know.

But i had decided to forget him...it was all too complicated so i just decided i didnt need that.I still talked to him but thats it.

well last thursday he asked me out.I was to busy thinking about Declan that I didnt realise he asked me out so i inadvertantly said no!!I only realised on sunday!I am so stupid!!!
I like him and he asked me out!!!and i said no like i get asked out ever other day of the week.

Next time i talk to him though i am gonna come right out and say it to him.I'M gonna ask him out!If he can be brave enough to do it then so can i!

Iv got a new theory that if i act all conventional and wait for a guy to make the first move then im gonna attract conventuional guys.*shrugs*

im even thinking about asking Carrie(the head of drama) for his number....or would that be to bold(bold as in bad)?

[Eolyn]

Finally im home.I haven't been home in weeks.I love home!!!
Mum and dad are out shopping and im watching alll the video's i dont have down at college.I love Dirty Dancing!!
I am so happy.We are getting a take away and in the morning i know dad will make me breakfast in bed.
When one of us come home from college its like a holiday in the house.We get to have anything we want and do whatever!

I have missed my dad's cooking so much and my big double bed.I love just relaxing here. :love: :love:

Elyane bought me a whole load of stuff and we are trying on dresses later.I told her abought the tattoo coz with the dresses i couldnt keep it a secret...lets just say she wasnt very pleased to say the least. :2eyes:

I am gonna miss this when i leave in a few days.Work has another thing coming if it thinks im gonna miss easter with my family for them.

*basks in the happiness of family*

[Eolyn]

You dont even have to guess what this is going to be about.
What is it always about?How i meet someone who is the devil incarnate and i dont notice some how.

Ethan(his name!!GGRR) the guy i was talking about who asked me out....well...

Ok first he stole my number out of Carries phone and started texting me...I was delighted.
We chatted on college webct and we were flirting a bit...he said he had a girlfriend but she was from far away and they never get to see each other...so i thought fair enough.

He drove me home one bay and we were getting on real good.
Next day the girls and i skipped college and watched tv all day and drank wine!I got totally twisted.At nine that night i text him and asked him to keep me company coz i was bored and the girls had gone.

He did come over later and we had a great laugh...he left to get more wine(i was thinking i shouldnt coz i was in a bad state but...:tard: ). We drank it all!!!(i drank most of it)

We ended up kissing and rolling around on the floor when my flat mate and his girlfriend walked in.I was dead embarressed!! :toussel: It was funny and poor Mag's(the sweetest and most inoccent soul i know) was in a state of bother of where her eyes should be looking!

With all that said we went to his house just across the road. I said it staight out that i wasnt sleeping with him! We kissed and stuff and i had to say again i wasnt sleeping with him and he tried to persuade me...but thank god i actually didnt want to!Had i wanted to i would of cause i was so drunk.

We did other stuff and i laughed and said that wasnt so bad...he said he would of prefered sex.I couldnt believe it! Then i said i would of prefered an orgasm but hey we dont always get what we want. We wernt being nasty or anything...just blunt. I was there untill eight in the morning and i didnt somber up till about noon! Then it all hit me! I felt soo sick and dirty...even though i hadnt done anything.He made me feel cheap. I was depressed the whole day cause i so wanted him to be a nice guy! I was praying for him to be half but he wasnt even remotely nice!

The girls even started to worry about me.Why does this always happen to me?Im so god damn angry!

The only think that i got out of this is that at least now i wont be giving him puppydog eyes like a fool anymore.At least thats another asshole out of my way.*sigh*

[Eolyn]

Ok so Rag week is basically a week where all the student drink...for a week. We dont go to college and have fun instead.

Its for charity and the lecturers dont expect us to come.

Welll....it was mental.
I went out only two nights and it was great.

We saw blue moose play and because of me and my forward nature i got all my friends hanging out with the band...cool...AND we even got with some of them.


It was the best...but it had nothing on thursday night.
I skipped the mile long cue into the night club and got all my friends in :D :D
Then half way throught the night i accidentally started a pole dancing competition.
I was messing with one of the band members and told him to give us a swirl. He said he would if i would. So i did.
After awhile the Dj caught onto it and anounced that there way a pole dancing competition on. More people got into it...I cant believe i did that infront of everyone!!!

There are pic's flying around and everything!...but i won in two rounds!!

....it didnt stay all happy that night though....Declan(my infatuation)...i saw my friend kissing him that night. *le sigh*
Ethan...is messing me about...being nice even though we arent in a relationship and he has a girlfriend..all to get into my pants.

Enough of guys...I dont have the heart for them anymore.

Dj...we need to talk...You need a cuddle and i got lotsa cuddles to give.

[Eolyn]

Im sitting here holding my breath. Iv got shivers all over and my chest is all tight.

I dont know what to do.A really good friend of mine has just told me he has feelings for me. I have never thought that anything would ever happening between us and even now i dont think that could be possible.
Am i really feeling these things just because he has said them to me or...

I cant even say it. I just started to think of him like that..I have to get used to it. Live with it for awhile. Get to know it and become confortable with it. Its too soon.

And yes I am afraid. I dont know why any one would want some scared little person who doesnt even have her head wrapped around who she is let alone let someone in. You can crucify me for that if you want but Im not what you want me to be and I cant change. Im angry at myself if that helps but it prolly doesnt.God i hate that I just tried to justified myself.

Im gonna use a metaphor here..a bad one...but its an example of how i am.Its all I can think of to use to explain.
Its like when i wouldnt eat mushrooms as a child....I had never tasted them but i was too afraid to try them coz it was different...It took me years to eat my first mushroom and I did it myself with nobody there..and i loved them...I had to take it at my own pace.....This can not be compared to that I know..and even now the innocence in me is yelling to go for it and throw all else in the wind on a maybe....but....im not.

I know that im messed up but i think i did the right thing. He is not going anywhere and im gonna make sure of that.

All I can do is take a deep breath and go on.

The only thing i wish is that he was here right now so I could hug him.

[Eolyn]

Ok ye all know that in my reflections Im talking about False_Dragon and he's talking about me!
Ye also know that we live in different countries!
Now we have talked and its not going to work!
Ok its not going to work!!

Seeing each other only every five,nine months?Staying faithful all that time?Never seeing each other.Always wondering...
Im realistic!I am not going to even concider any of this coz I know it'll end up in tears...prolly mainly FD's rather than mine and I wont have it.

Now apparently DJ and Belle have been encouraging FD to come see me. As much as i would love that it will make everything harder.He'll come into my life and then just breeze out of it.Thats not fair and its not fair to make him think it can work.

I want to beleive it too but i just cant.Now thats it! I know i sound like the devil incarnate but I just want to stop it now before anyone gets really hurt. FD falls too deep too fast and I cant do it to him.

Im sorry if iv just pissed anybody off but....It needed to be said.Im not Belle and Im not DJ and i cant do like them.I cant live in an idealistic world where it will happen if we just believe....maybe they can make it happen but not for me...our situation isnt the same as ye'rs. Iv got college, finances, work...I cant even get home to see my family who only live five hours away let alone a boyfriend in england.Im not going to ask him to do all the work to see me.

Im not going to have him spend all his hard earned money seeing me!Just to have him hurt. Cruel to be kind....even to myself.

Im sorry...Trystan. :blue:

[Eolyn]

Wow!Alot has happened since i last posted!
That whole "not going for it with FD" thing is just gone! We are so going for it!!!Well...he's coming over here and we are just going to see. :D

Im so excited!He coming over on monday!Im all happy!Im so glad we are doing this...well he's doing all the work :blush:
I was telling my friend Sarah about him.That he was a friend coming over to stay with me over easter and that he was english/australian and she was all "oh good so we'll all go out on thursday and i can maybe have a bit of fun..if you dont mind"!....Hell yeah i mind! :shattered Lol. It was funny coz she tried to persaude me to let her and it just ended in her saying "oh its like that is it?" with a smile. I was so happy. Even my flatmates girlfriend wants to meet him! I f i had to pick Mag's perfect guy it would be Trystan..so thats why i want her to meet him! Denis will get a little reality check when it comes to her(he thinks she's smitten...and she is...but he doesnt need to know that) Ill have to keep an eye on my friends though...not that ill be leaving Trystan alone for any long period of time :blush:

I wish he was on now.*sigh*
He doesnt know some things about me though...like....(guess ill be telling him here:))...like i smoke!
Like i sound like drew barrymore-a very slight lisp :blush:
I was meaning to tell him!
Oh and how i live in maybe the smallest shoe-box in the world. And i got damn growing on my wall that i have been meaning to tell the managers but never have :rolleyes:

*thinks about monday* :dance1:

[Eolyn]

Yawn!Yesterday was so hectic!!!
Dublin was all rainy and I couldnt find Trystan at first.Spent an hour and a half trying to find him. :grumbles:
Im still tired. Someone couldnt sleep last night and kept waking me up!!!
*looks at no one in perticular* :dozey:
I'v got one pic of Trystan so far and its definately Calender worthy if you get what i mean*wink* :blush:
Off to drag him around the county side now. :D

[Eolyn]

Ok so i dont think I can talk about FD here.
He came over it was great but...I dont think I can talk about what actually happened between us.Its just a little too personal.

But yeah we have "decided" to move on...not that we had any other choice.
Its better this way. Im glad im his friend.I can live with that.

I think im way better at handling it than he is. I dont know why that is.Am i supposed to feel bad about that? I do.

I dont know what id do if I was to find someone else.Id feel like i was cheating or something.

Lifes a bitch.

[Eolyn]

Ok so last Friday I did something totally stupid. I went out with my friend sarah and got really drunk. We met a friend of ours who was sick a while ago and it made me really sad.

I cried alot....mainly because I was seriously drunk.Paralytic actually.
They wouldnt let me walk home on my own.I did something really stupid that night.And its been with me ever since.I cant shake it.

Now iv told a friend of mine and it freaked the shit out of him.I cant talk to him now,I feel like im going to explode if something doesnt happen soon. Maybe if i go out somewhere isolated I can scream at the top of my lungs untill in hoarse and that will help....i dont think so.

I wanna get into bed and not get out.I cant concentrate on anything and i dont seem to care about most stuff.My study is non-existent. People already think im messed up as it is.And i dont think my friends will take me serious(not that theres anything serious going on) and my family would freak.

Im by myself in this...not a good companion at the moment.Even if people wanted to talk about it i dont think I would. Im trying to think of the cause and what iv come up with isnt very good.If its what i think then im fucked. You cant reason with your heart and switch off feelings.They stay inside you and burn you up inside till eventually they burn you out.

I cant help it.Im suffocating in this and there's no way out!There is no way out.God damn my idiot body!!!!My stupid mind and my foolish heart!

*curses*

[Eolyn]

Yeah so I got my tongue pierced this morning!!!!
I went to get it done yesterday but I totally chickened out!!
I saw the needle I freaked and didnt do it!!I was so ashamed I didnt go through with it.I also thought of myself as a brave person so when I couldnt do it i was so down.

Then first thing this morning I go down without my friends and I get it done!!!!
*Does a cheer*
It hurts abit now and I cant eat much...but it was worth it!

My mum is gonna totally kill me though.She doesnt eve know about my second tattoo!!When she see's this im dead!

DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, ....ok enough of that.


*PLays with tongue*

[Eolyn]

Marie(my flatmate) and I decided last night to go out and buy some drink and get all tipsy!
So when I was choosing what to drink I remembered how i was able to down three vodka straight shots no bother.So I got a bottle of vodka and a big bottle of Bulmer's.
I was shooting back the vodka and taking my time with the Bulmers.We started drinking at eight and by half ten i was blind drunk! I mean I couldnt even focus my eyes on the tv.
Then I started to get sick...ALOT!
I got sick maybe four or five times and I never get sick.It was terrible!
I went to bed soon after that.

Marie will never want to start drinking with me again!I told her all my dark shocking secrets!!And the lads.*dies of shame*

Ok so I broke up with the guy I had been seeing.I was only with him for a little while.It wasnt right.We where just good freinds who thought we could be more.*sigh*

Ethan is just...we are still texting.I tell myself I wont go near him again but deep down I know my reslove is going to break. Marie said that it will just sort itself out..even if it ends up with me hurt.
My freinds at college say to just have one more hot night with him..get it out of my system..a kind of goodbye, and then thats it!I dunno...maybe.

My landlady wants to take our deposit of €500 off use just coz she is leaving and wants one last hurrah and she is taking it out on us coz I was the stupid bitch that wouldnt back down when she laid into us the last time...my bad! :(

Im starting to think Iv got a drinking problem...

One more week and I get to change my tongue stud to something colourful!!! :D

[Eolyn]

Kay so where to start?
Emz....

Thursday night:

Ok so we all went out on thursday night even though we know that we shouldnt coz its Shaz's 21st.But we go anyway coz Angela wanted to see if the lad she was with the last night would be there and I wanted to go out coz I knew Ethan would be there and I didnt want him to think I wasnt going out coz a him!!!
We go out anyway and we have a pretty good night. Angela didnt see the guys she was looking out for...which I think is good coz the are wrecking her head already. I saw Ethan out and he was wearing the ugliest shirt iv ever seen. It made my stomach turn. But I also saw him kissing Lara (my most hated enemy!!The one person I said if he ever got with that would be it!!) When I saw it I first started laughing...then I shuddered and nearly got sick. But it didnt actually phase me that much.

So we had a good night. I was with this guy I had been with before and Ethan saw me...he saw a bit drunk and watched us a bit. I was quite smug about that.

So i have to walk home coz all the girls are gone and I got no money for a taxi..I got a bit scared at one point when these guys started to talk to me so I pretended to be talking on the phone all the way home...I felt kinda foolish when I got home safe. I was so somber when I got home though that I started reading...weird I know.

So..*takes a breath*..at five o clock I get a phone call from Ethan!He has lost his entry card to his apartment and wants to stay in mine...I try to get him to stay somewhere else but he has nowhere else to stay. He gets the vibe that I dont want him to stay (and I dont!). He hangs up, I feel bad coz I have stayed at his many a time and so I text him and say of course he can. He get to mine at around half five but nothing happens!!We just go to sleep.

Next morning I have to get up early for an exam so I leave him in the house and go to college. Im nervous coz I dont want him to snoop. It ends up that he doesnt leave my house till one o clock...even though I was supposed to come home at eleven. He thought I was coming home...I didnt.

At three though he starts texting me and he wants to know if I wanna go to the beach...(and I really did!!love the beach!!) so I say yes and Im all excited coz I havent been to the beach in a year. We go...talk in the car, walk the length of the beach just talking and laughing...then he drives me home. It was the weirdest thing ever. We are never like that to each other. He was actually nice. Im confused.

Friday Night:

So I start to decorate mcdades at five and it takes two hours.It looked great though. Angela gets dressed at mine and I do her hair and stuff. I head to mcdades while Joanne and Angie go to the shop (they need to do their hair more) They dont come down till round ten!two hours later!!
Ok to make a long story short Angie and Joanne and I all have a fight coz they say im ignoring the party by staying and talking to my other freinds in the pub and I give out that they went off to another pub while I was serving food and organised the whole party.

It got ugly.

*sigh*
Ill leave saturday for another time...my fingers are staring to hurt.

[Eolyn]

I forgot to say how on friday night I saw Mike...my new ex! He tried to kiss me. He wasnt drunk and neither was I and I could see the hurt on his face when I pushed him back a little and said no. My heart went out to him...I guess he wasnt as ok with our break up as I thought.

I was late for work on saturday coz I had no sleep on friday. I dragged half my clothes with me to work I was so tired. They are on the verge of firing me.

Then on sunday Mike was texting me. He was talking weird and I didnt know what he was trying to say so I just left it at that but yesterdayu he was on webct and he said "listen I dont know why we broke up" My heart stopped. What was I to say. I think when people say that they dont really mean they dont know why they are really saying that they didnt want to.

I explained it all to him again but he was still upset and started calling himself every name under the sun.The poor thing. I couldnt convince him otherwise. and now i am totally staying away from Ethan. He was one of thebigest problems with me and mike...and i hate to admite that.

So now I havent heard from Mike and I havent talked to Ethan.*sigh*

A freind of mine gave me some pretty shocking news though on monday. I nearly died. If its true than im going to kill somebody and Im going to stay celebate for the rest of my life. Im anxiously waiting for him to confirm if its true or not but I havent...all i can do is try put it out of my mind.

I got my tongue stud changed yesterday. now its a shorter bar and its bluey,greeny yellow. very pretty but my family is coming down on sunday and Mum is going to flip!!!

*starts to meditate*

[Eolyn]

Ok so my friend came back and told me it was true.Its confirmed....mt friend is sick...and its my fault. I cant believe it. How come all this shit happens to me? Why does it all happen to me. I say I want to experience everything in life but I ment all the good things...not pregnancy scares, the loss of a loved one( my gran is dying), having a friend hate you coz you broke their heart. Making someone you care about fall sick.

I cant say what it is. I cant make myself say it. Im so ashamed of myself as it is...I cant have ye knowing also. :blue: :blue:

[Eolyn]

Well I never thought Id be sad coz someone stopped posting here. FD is leaving. Its just like one big think after another is going wrong. I dont know if i can take it anymore.
I cant list all the stuff that has gone wrong coz im on the edge of tears as it is.
And the worst thing is that its all of my own doing. I get treated like crap by a guy coz i let him, I loose a guy coz I let him get close enough for me to have to let go, I break a good friends heart without meaning to, I lied to someone I cared about and now he's sick, I decieved him and now iv lost his trust, I...I have just thought of something that makes my heart go cold.

And it seems I can tell you everything that has gone wrong and now im sitting here in college with tears dripping down my face. I guess the fact that im listening to the Dixie Chicks isnt helping me much.

Why is it that everybody is leaving me??How is it that I cant do anything right?

I dunno what im gonna do.I can imagine what im going to do but...that would just make things worse....but can it get any worse really?I mean...right now..how can it get better?

I mean i say to myself there's still college...but im failing that and there's also the fact my mum is going to kill me...how will I afford college next year without the grant? I wont..even if i wanted to come back could I?

So yeah...I can imagine what im going to do.

[Eolyn]

My family are down for the holidays...and when im on holidays I usuall get stuck on one band that I listen to for it...and thats Dashboard confessional this year. But a friend of mine gave it to me...I've been texting him...and its strange. He's being...SO nice...and...its weird. We started talking about DC and hwta the songs mean to us....and....I kinda see him different now. More real to me. He's a friend. But we are both big flirts and we are flirting with each other and now I dont know where to stop....I mean it keep progressing....I dunno where to stop or what. I dunno what he's thinking either.

Also after Ethan im wary of all guys. Im afraid to let Pete or any guy in.
He just text me and asked me whats going on. He said he doesnt know if im serious or not or just doing it out of boredom and fun. I dunno...my feelings are all over the place and Im dead afraid he's gonna trample all over them if i let him know....

*waits for him to text back*

Ok...we have concluded that im not just bored...but we dont know what that means...he's really attractive right now...has been for two days!!!But i cant get involved with him!!!anyone!!!Im too messed up for that.I dont want to be hurting him!!

[Eolyn]

Oh i am so happy right now!!!Pete was just here...im the comp room...to make a long story short..we barely talked to each other we where so nervous. We were sitting beside each other and we would only take through msn!!!It was rediculous!!!

So i was getting all frustrated and stuff. I knew he had to go soon but there was no way in hell i was gonna chase for him or make the first move. So his phone goes off and i knew he had to go. He didnt even say goodbye!!!I was so down.

He gets up and i feels so sad. I close my eyes and then i feel this soft pressure on the back of my neck. He had leaned over and kissed the back of my neck! I nearly died!!!

My heart just jumped and I was all...wow! So he whispers goodbye in my ear and goes to leave but...he turns around and sits down and kisses me! I couldnt of wanted it any other way!!!!

He came back twice after that to kiss me. I cant stop smiling! Him kissing my neck!!!!*sigh*

my heart is still beating fast!I feel all tingly.

*replays scene over and over in head* :blush:

[Eolyn]

Ok so i just failed my finance exam!!!I failed others im sure but this one I know for certian I failed.Oh god I am so dead!!!!My head is killing me!!!!

And Pete is being so...grrrrrrrrr!!!He wont let me know what he is thinking ever!He is so secretive about himself and I know the only reason he is doing it is so I will be kept interested. He's allparaniod about me. That Ill go off with someone else. And he's annoyed that he liked me for ages and i didnt even think of him that way!!!!

He thinks that he's got every right to know about me but I cant know anything about him and because I didnt fall for him at first sight like he did for me i have to work really hard to get anything outa him. Its driving me mad cause I dont think its fair!!

And if i dont let him know stuff about me he gets either all quietly annoyed or pretends he looses all interest or wasnt that interested at all!!!!!!!

I hate that. And he thinks he knows me better than i do!when im angry he tells me im not and when im not he tells me I am!!!!


*sigh*


My head aches!

[Eolyn]

*Takes a deep breath*
Wow.
*Shivers*....wow!
Pete stayed at mine last night....wow.I told him not to let me drink wine!!I get drunk!
*listens to dixie chicks**sings along* theres a devil in that angel face....thats what it was like.I sex pixie behind the smile:)
We talked so much also.I told him every single horrid thing about me!!!Everything!!!How I had slept with Ethan and how i hyad told him i was pregnant and i wasnt!!!How I had been with FD when he was over here.Everything!How I had cheated on my last boyfriend!!!

He didnt care coz he...loves me.*waits for the world to end*

*shrugs*
Guess its not so inconcievable!
I was suprised I was able to let him go home so easily...iv been having attachment issues.

I see him tomorrow.Yay!!!!He told me all about himself also...but i knew it all.Strangely I knew what he was going to say.He didnt have to tell me coz i saw that in him.I dont mind any of it...not one thing!!!!!He can have a hissy fit everytime a guy talks to me i dont care.I wont stop talking to lads and ill give Pete my "dont start" look but ill love him all the same and just accept it:)

*is in total disbelief!!*

[Eolyn]

Ok so Pete...he's all I think about lately...so he's all im gonna be talking about.
Sorry:)

Im going home on friday...then I wont see him untill september.He said he wants me to go home feeling like i dont have a boyfriend...I cant...I want him to do the same but I know he wont.

Yesterday I woke up to him looking at me and his arms around me.It was the best. He hadnt slept all night. He never sleeps.Im so worried about him. He doesnt eat either!!!And if he does he throws it up. Yes I know it sounds like an eating disorder but...he says it isnt. I think he's sick...he knows he is.The only reason i dont think its an eating disorder is because everytime we have sex he says he is worried he will make me sick. Thats not an eating disorder.

But just in case it is...iv stopped eating.I'll only eat when i see him eat and not if he just tells me he is. He isnt bothered cause he doesnt think Ill stick to it...but i am...havent eaten since yesterday morning...and im hungry!!
If he doesnt it so will I.I know its stupid and it prolly wont help but I dont know what else to do :blue: :blue:

Sex...not bad.I feel a little strange that this is the second virgin iv had.
He's has got blessed instincts though!!!

The whole sex thing...it prolly shouldnt of happened.I dont know if im comfortable with it. He is totally ok with it though. He says he just wants to be with me and all the physical stuff can go to hell for all he cares.

I love him alot. I know he wont go with someone else while im gone. I will just miss him...I dont think he trusts me. He thinks every guy is out to get with me and eventually ill cave...Its very flattering but not true obviously :rolleyes:

What if i come back and he is seriously ill from not eating?What if he is in hospital...what if he dies? I know that sounds extreme but I cant help worrying!!
Stupid man!

*stops talking before I get really worried*

[Eolyn]

Ok so...I feel really lonely. Im at home with my family and yet I feel really alone. My friend Kelly hasnt been to see me even though she lives just down the road and iv been home for days. Pete is off in Kerry cruising around with his mates. He rings me every now and then but that makes me feel even more alone...especially when he's all happy and stuff.

Aily didnt even text me. I had to ring her and then it was just a "we must meet up soon". Demi was all chat but didnt seem too keen on meeting up. I know its just in my head but I cant help it. Im making a big deal outa nothing but I cant help feeling really lost.

I havent got a job coz I had to move home and Iv got a bank full of debt that I cant pay off and my mum doesnt know about it yet. My exams...well I might as well not have gone into them.

Im broke, my ex is causing me tones of problems, my bf is miles away from me, im in debt, i havent got a job, and my friends havent been to see me.

Im stupid coz i want to cry. Gosh why does everything make me want to cry all of a sudden...or more specifically all the time.

I move away from things I thought I didnt need right now and now I cant seem to get on without them. Funny to the rest of the world I know...those that actually give a fuck or those that read this...I dont know who does or why...oh yeah..its funny :rolleyes:

Taking to him on the phone isnt enough...cant be without him though. Hopefully my art and writings and this site will help me.

*sigh*

[Eolyn]

Hmm...so my brother is a regular visitor to this other site..which has nothing to do with WoT.
Its mainly to do with art. So my bro has been putting his stuff up and its all pretty good. He's been pestering me to put mine up also.

I took a look around the site and I was a little intimadated by all the talent!!!I mean my stuff was a joke compaired.
But after a little while I sorta wanted to put it up just to see what they would say.
Also I had shown Pete alot of my art before this and he said I was good. He loves when I draw eyes so now im after really getting back into drawing!!Im after drawing a good bit since being with him.

So I put some stuff up. I got a comment or two from some people but Im not looking for comments. Im after making some stuff and I want to show people what Iv done coz im sorta proud I did it. Im not really all that artistic but I made them. Now im thinking I could make a thread of my own here. I dont have much stuff relating to WoT but....I dunno..maybe I could still put them up.
Pete must be my muse.lol I really wish I had a bag of clay around here somewhere. I love clay and i think im better at that.

Now suddenly I think Im an artist!*rolls eyes*
I must be insane!!!!Oh you know what it is!!Im bored!


Oh and some of the things Iv been worrying about have sorted themselves out!!!I went into town yesterday looking for a job...and you know what??I came back with one! :eek: Thats good even for me!It only took one day and I got a job!!I thought id be looking for weeks!!woohooo!!! :dance1: :dance1:
And mum didnt give out about not having the money!!
In fact she gave me €190 back!I love my mum!!

This means I can go to the oxygen concert!!...(even though i cant find tickets:()

Everything seems to be getting better..in like two seconds just as it started to get really bad!!!All I need now is for Pete to come along:D

You know once in my room while I was on the floor and he was on my bed we did that whole spiderman kiss.It was cool.*sigh* It was his idea. And his name is Peter also..cool. He's so romantic!lol.

Excuse the mushiness people. If i was anyone else Id kill myself or just get sick.:p

[Eolyn]

Wow...today is my only day off from my new job and its been more draining than any other day iv ever had.
I woke up this morning feeling sick...coz pete and I had a fight last night.We have been fighting alot. I knew this one would be different though.

He was saying really hurtful things...not nornal stuff but stuff like "oh well i guess i dont know you at all..i just feel in love with the idea of you!" It was all really painful. I was nearly physically sick. I was crying for hours but nothing i said would stop his anger...and i really did ask for it. It was killing me more that the one person i truely love..that truely got me and forgave all my crap had finally broken coz i broke his trust without a thought.

I truely thought we where through and I couldnt bare it.I was breaking in two. I didnt realise what i was doing till I looked down. I was crying and scratching at my wrist. Little red blots were showing on my wrist but it felt good. Thats when i started havin the bad thoughts...they wernt real though. Just stupid things spinning through my head. Mom gave me tablets for my flue...and i took more than i should of...alot more. I told Pete i was going to bed coz i was sick...then he rings me all worried. One minute he isnt talking to me and the next he is.

So now there are never going to be any lies or withholding anything. I told him about my bad thoughts...he's freaked and worried...he shouldnt be. If we ever break up it could only be because it is best for us both. What i was thinking was stupid. All I know now is I really care about Pete. I cant believe how much I was hurting this morning...


Anyway...

[Eolyn]

Ok so alot has happened.

I have been fired from the waitressing job. The manager Maggie had tried it on with my aunts husband(who's the head chief) at the xmass party last year. So she got me fired so her friend could start working. Appartently I didnt fit in!!Bullshit!!!!

I was really upset about that.My confidence is completely shot.My aunt got me another job at another resteraunt but im so nervous!every mistake i make i freak out over and im afraid ill get fired!!!I want to cry when i go to work and im in total fear the whole night!!

Iv been banned from using the comp at home. My brothers fault coz he uses it 24/7!!Now im in the library and have to pay for it??grrrr.

I got my result from college!!I failed four subjects!!im so so so so so dead. Im repeating the exams in august but still!!! Not fair.

I miss Pete so much. I think of him and my heart nearly explodes!!We are moving in together! He wants to quit college and go working full time and get money for us!!Sweet but so not going to happen!!!He is staying in college if I have to threaten to drop out!!! God I love that guy. I talk to him and I want him so so much! And not just in an emotional or a physical way..sometimes both which is strange. Now that Im with Pete I dont think Iv ever known love before. I think about marrying him and our kids and how we'd live and stuff. I mean one night we even talked about our kids names. He was out the last night and got drunk and told everyopne(and i wasnt out) that he had married me!!This is the One. I couldnt be more sure of anything and have never thought about it with anyone.

He just told me he has a suprise for me..:) wonder what it is!!
Heehee.

[Eolyn]

Its funny how you could be in the best mood ever and then you go on the net for half an hour and they make you feel very unwanted. I know its silly. People I dont even know having an effect on me. *sigh* But i was really happy and they just made me down. I dont like people like that.

And im seeing Pete tomorrow...I was all delighted and I still am but im angry at him coz he cant even do the simplest of things like telling his fokes he's not going to be home. I hate it that he wont confront his family about us.

[Eolyn]

I swear things happen so often I dont even get time to get angry at it before its over and something new comes alone. So to keep this all understandable I'll just say what the lastest thing was.

Pete (yes I know ye are all getting very sick of me talking about him) was strange last night. I had told a friend months ago that if he ever needed a place to stay that my door was always open. Now I had a thing with this friend and now it looks like he is going to need alot of support right now. I told him to remember that I was here...

Pete...he..wasnt ok about it but he wasnt going to say no to it. But I knew Pete...when something was bothering him it didnt talk that long for him to voice it. He wasnt going to say "no he cant stay" so he said "you should of consulted me". We are going to be living together. And maybe (only maybe) I should have but in truth I think not. I had a life before him and I want to be able to continue being me...his response was "the differnce is you are my life". It made my heart stop but...I cant let that stop me from being me.

I love him to bits but I think what he wants..he always gets.Where as..well I dont. And even stuff he agree's to it always just seems to be forgotten. This morning I woke up and I was so angry at him. Again..after three weeks of waiting another morning waking up to the fact that he couldnt do something so simple as posting me a letter. He cant even do that for me coz he didnt want to at the start so he isnt.

Nothing I say makes a difference. I dont know what to do.

[Eolyn]

So Iv got to repeat these exams next month. Four emans to be exact. And im gonna fail at least one. Im dead. I got fired from my job ages ago so now i have no money(BASTARDS!) So mum said if i fail any i'll have to take a year out to work.

I cant take a year out!!!All my freinds will have moved on..Pete will be away from me for a whole year!!That will kill us i know it will...i cant do that. I will kill myself if i have to live with my mother for a whole year. I just will. We cant live together. I cant work everyday in a dead end job..ill die. I know ill crack.

What do i do so??There is nothing. Im so dead. How do I stop this???

[Eolyn]

Ok i want to ask all ye out there. Men and women!

My boyfriend lives five hours away. We have been apart for three months now excluding when I went down to vist him for a weekend and when we went to the oxegen concert together which lasted four days. Now..do you think its unfair of me to ask him to come down to see me??

i cant go down to see him coz i dont have a job anymore and hence no money. He does have a job and he is off every other weekend.

He wont come down coz he hates buses and trains. He hates being away from home for long. It literally makes him physically sick. I seriously think he has some pycological thing going on. It might be mild Agoraphobia. Thats how bad it is.

When we were at the concert he wanted to go home the next day without seeing any of the bands.

With this in mind is it wrong for me to want him to come down??
Even demand it??Please PM me with what you think.

[Eolyn]

It started off like a pretty normal day. I was happy and texting Pete and everything was grand.

I came home from work and went on the net round eight. I found that one person i usually talk to and think is pretty cool and nice well...it got all messed up coz of something i didnt think would bother her. If I had thought it through i prolly would of realised it would but i didnt. I honestly didnt think she'd mind and had i known i wouldnt of done it. Now we cant talk anymore and i find it so...unfortunate. Im gonna miss her and i hope she doesnt think too badly of me.

Pete came on and we started talking and laughing. Now about four days ago we had had this fight and he wouldnt talk to me coz i was really angry at him. The next morning I said sorry and tried to make up. He was up to putting it behind him and things were sort of ok....then he told me that while i was up all night worrying about him he was talking to a girl called Sarah who had just recently told him she was in-love with him. My heart nearly stopped.
This resulted in another row. I got over it and forgot it like i always do but in my heart i was really upset and slightly jealous and i am not the jealous type.HE is big time.

So we were just talking and he said somthing like "ah yeah i guess your ok...you'll do for now" and i knew he was joking but the sarah thing had just happened and i didnt find it funny. I just said "hey dont joke about that yet coz its too soon." Then the nagging came..what, whats wrong, talk to me, tell me, why are you sad?, it was a bloody joke!!
So i just reminded him of the sarah thing and said it was too soon...he got really angry at me. going on about how it was just a joke and what sarah thing that he hadnt mentioned her and....it went on.
I tried to calmly explain but he wouldnt listen. And then he said something grrr-like..and i was like "thats it you ass" in my head.
I go fine here is an example of what i thought when you said that "hey you know what ill keep you for now but eddie is always available" (eddie being this guy who i was with for awhile but was a dick and had a gf and keeps texting me wanting sex).
Pete told me to get lost and ranted on abusing me. He had never said anything so bad to me before and he wouldnt stop and ...it was all too much.
I told him we were over. He continued to yell abuse at me telling me to get over my hissy fits and stuff. I was in tears.

Like always i was the first one to text him. I sent him every sweet loveable message he had ever sent me. He was all sad and stuff and made his goodbyes to me coz we were "over". But i can never break with him. no matter how much of a prick he is or what he says I could not leave him. I love him!!im weak and pathetic but i cant.
Once Pete knew that though it became a question of if he will forgive me for mentioning eddie and breaking with him in the same hour. He says i cant just break up with him and come back like that.

So technically we are over...but he hasnt replied to that question yet. A part of me is sure he'll come back because I know he loves me as much or more than i love him...but he is stonger than me and what he is thinking now is..."should i come back?" would it be bettr for us both to say quits after all this??

I dont know how ill cope with either decision.

[Eolyn]

Wow. Up, down, up, down...and currently up!!!
Pete. We are back together. The break-up didnt last long. It made me realise how much i love him and how much he means to me. We are currently in total bliss. We spent all morning together. We just laughed and stuff like we used to do. I think everything will be ok.

I bought him a cladagh ring last week. It looks really nice on him and he likes it. It an irish ring to show if your taken or not. Like a wedding ring. He wears it on that finger. I said in the orgy thread that Pete and I must have gotten past our "at it like rabbits" stage but...all morning we couldnt keep our hands off each other. So i guess...maybe you dont actually ever get out of it. you just have breaks?? :confused:

It was fun coz at one stage we decided to play strip poker. My idea. and i was winning and all but then he started to deal and my luck went out the window. I ended up naked...so did he but i lost again and had no clothes left to take off so i hyad to give him a fully body lick! From his toes to...other places and then ended at his lips which resulted in more rabbit like activities.

Iv got one exam over with. I wasnt that bad actually but im not so confident the next one will be the same. Im actually really nervous about it. I cant fail. I just cant. So Kal if you read this before tomorrow I think that lucky hand thing you did for me worked...and would you mind doing it again please??thanx :D

Im living with three other guys!!!Its not fair. One is 33 and wants to watch football and politics and stuff all the time. The other is gay and wants to watch the Rose of Tralee all last weekend. The other is just another guy..but i used to do boxing with him so...i dunno. He's quiet. You couldnt find three guys so different anywhere. They are so clean though! Im messy...or lazy. I wanna watch CSI and Freinds and Home and Away and stuff.
They always talk so loud in the kitchen also. Blah!!! Im trying to watch telly!!Could you shut up please!!!
...Ok i didnt say that....but i wanted to.

Im sure living with girls would of been worse...thats what im telling myself anyway! :tard:

[Eolyn]

Im at home again!!! Sure its great to have a nice warm,tea serving house with braodband 24/7 but i want to be in tralee. Dont ask me why.

Im finished my exams. Im just waiting for the results. I have to wait untill the 14th!! Thats bollox! Its too long! I need to know know! This is so important! If i fail im just dead. Ill fall over and die! Everything is riding on this. My future, my happiness, my freinds, my relationship! Why didnt I work harder! *hits self over the head*

Please God please have me get into second year this year! Please! :cry:

If I fail mom and dad will just freak. They will be so disappointed in me. How do I face all that? They are so expectant...and rightfully. I had three months to prepare. I need this. Iv never been so desperate for anything like this before. Never in regard to school. I will beg my lectures to pass me if need be.
Yet i think i did ok. I think i passed. Im just worried something else will happen and it will fuck me over.

Paraniod....maybe. :cry: :cry:

Pray for me..

[Eolyn]

One more day! One more fucking day! Then ill know! I get my results tomorrow. Then Ill know. Im hoping. Im hoping so much and i never hope. I never think i could have. But now that i am im afraid Ill fail. I dont want to check and then find that I failed. Im gonna go mad all day today. Ill just not be able to think about anything else.

Oh please god say i passed them all!!!! My whole future is riding on this! All last year i was so clualess doing nothing and just expecting to get in. I didnt understand the importance of my studies. How it would effect me.

What if i fail????One more day..... :cry: :cry: :cry:

[Eolyn]

A wise person told me this so I'll just leave say it in her words.

The person who loves you the most, you will hurt the most.
The person you love the most, will hurt you the most.

[Eolyn]

So...now its over. But once more I have an ex prying into my mind. First it was David,now its Pete. He said he would keep reading WoT. He said he would always be in my mind that way.."ready to expose me". Of course now he is saying he wont. But I cant trust him. Never could it seemed. Coz I trusted him not to come here.

For those of you who dont understand..WoT is very special to me. Its where I am completely myself. Its where I dont worry about being "normal" or to "fit in". He tried to ruin that for me. Thats what he planned. But im not going to let him. No way.

So this is a warning.A warning to Pete! Don't read this(as I know you will). For your own sake dont. Coz I promise you that nothing will make you feel connected to me anymore. I dont want connection from you anymore. I want to move on now. After what happened, what you said and did I no longer want to salvage anything. You continue to read this then you will see how Im moving on. I will rarely talk about you and If i do it wont be flattering stuff. I wont be me in a terrible state missing you.

As for Kal...none of your business. And I dont think I'll make it WoT's business either. I dont want to make it weird for us. So dont come looking here for info on that either. Dont ask me about it either. Basically the only thing that will ever be between us is friendship...and not a stong one at that. And its only a maybe in the distant future. Maybe in a year when im back. I cant say.

So Pete thats all im gonna say. Thats all the time im gonna give this. As of now Im moving on. Get better. Ill check up on you about that coz I am worried about you. I want you ok.

But I want to be ok also.

[Eolyn]

Ok so my sis and her bf home this weekend. Now I like them both but they have just pissed me off royaly! Eoin is all like "im a computer king!" and you know what...he is! and I believed him! So I let him pront off my CV coz the printer was fucked. He was on it for only 10 mins and he fucked the whole thing up...ok only the net!!

Thats enough! I cant come on wot at all or anything else. All I have to feed my addiction to the net is msn which I am grateful for but oh my god!! I need the net! So we cant fix it...she has to ring someone or other.

So now i gotta go into the library and pay to use the net. I have to get up! Grrrr. I dont have any money..its gonna bee gone!!*cries*

[Eolyn]

Ok so it offiacal. My comp wont even connect now. So I cant talk to people. Right now im in an internet cafe!I dont have the money to come here every day. I dont have the energy either. Ill try get on as much as possible.

This is so unfare! Why me!!!Why always me! not fare.

So Ifi dont get to talk to ye guys much im reallysorry. And Im gonna miss ye!
I might robe money from mum and come on......hmmm.Am I that desprate?

Ill let ye know. Thanx for everything.

Eolyn.

[Eolyn]

My comp is possesed. Seriously. It connects when it feels like it and right now it doesnt feel like it. Thus why I am in the library at 11:55 in the morning! To early. And iv been here for two hours!!

So to all my lickle friends who I talk to on msn Im sorry i havent been on. Its not that im being a snotty bitch.

Thanx again Tam for fixing it in the first place!You are THE best!! :D

Pete had to go to hospital yesterday...have something where the stick a camera down your throat. Im worried. :(

Also my mother is driving me insane. She wants to send me to a shrink!Me!A shrink??There isnt nothing wrong with me except with having to deal with her! Good god please help me. Im moving out as soon as possible. I got a ob finally. Meh.... :dozey:

How do I make things right? Why does all this shit happen to me??Why always me? All at the same time??

Im cursed prolly. :tard:

[Eolyn]

Wow!!!Iv been in my job a week and iv made a sale finally. You have to make two sales a week and I made my first one!Im so proud! I work at a publishing place and its the best!
I was on such a high. I dont feel so much like a waster anymore.

The only problem with the job is its kinda cutting into my Art time. I need to get my portfolio done. Mum and dad where funning at me yesterday coz of it. I really need to move out. Or else ill go homeless. *sigh* I miss this site. My comp is once again fucked. I miss talking and stuff. I barely know whats going on here anymore!
Damness. :cry:

I just used my last € to pay for this and i wont even get the full benifit of it. Must get back to the office!Lol. that sounds cool.

Im kinda sad though. Its my birthday next week and it looks like another year of doing nothing for it:( None of my friends are coming out or anything. Im such a deluded moron. I just called them friends. I dont have friends at the moment. Just andrea who said stay at hers for my birthday but thats only coz she is in college and knows no one so she is lonely too. Im gonna get rightly drunk with her. Im a 20year old with no friends and no career as of yet. I really am a waster.

Must make time to change that somehow....*shrugs*:grumbles:

[Eolyn]

Yeah. Believe it! Me, Eolyn, not a kid anymore.
That doesnt sound right. Ok so im a kid in my heart but I doubt Ill ever act grown up. Only in emergencies is that going to be nessasary. Im to young to be old!

Ok I know im not old. Not really. I only feel old when I take to 18+. Then Im like. "yeah im twenty". BlAH.

Its not that bad though. Those older guys I like are not so much older now.

I went out on my birthday obviously. Had a great night. Some guy decided he liked my craziness. Even when I got drunk and told him all about me and that I was so not going to sleep with him. Even when I said "you wouldnt want to anyway..Im on my period"...and ment it! He just blushed. Then said he wanted to meet up with me the next day.

....Thats just...weird. *shrugs*

Blah. I sorta got fired. Or I was let go. Let go is what it was and got fired is how it felt. So yet again I am unempolyed.

What a great start to my 20+ years.
*sigh*

[Eolyn]

Ok so this morning...after just one day of unemployment my mother comes crashing into the room telling me to get up, get out and get a life. Hmm..

She yelled alot and eventually stormed out. OK so if this had been a case of "i didnt something really fucked up and stupid" then it would be okbut i havent. I done everything she has wanted.
1) I got myself into a course that i want to do and will make a real go at.
2)I got my self a job(albeit i dont have it anymore but that wasnt my fault)
3)I started getting out of the house.
4)iv stopped using the computer..cos its broken.(she doesnt know i go to the internet cafe.

I think thats it.

So why did she freak??

Cos she is insane.

She went to the priest and told him and he said i sounded depressed and now he's come to talk to me!! Oh dear god. I think she is trying to make me top myself!

Argh!

[Eolyn]

Ok so I havent been on in nearly what...a month??

God.

I barely have time to take a piss....and im not exagerating.
Im so busy. I work monday to friday all day then I got my art classes and my art projects to finish and then there is keeping up the house and then just finding time to sleep. Damn xmass.

I miss ye all. Tam and Terry and Ara and Allien and just making comments.

I dont know when I will get on again but im thinking about ye and ye better all be healthy and happy while im away! Thats an order!:p

Love ye all.:love:

*is pulled back into crazy life*

[Eolyn]

Well. Alot actually.

I have spent the christmas and new year working in a great place where everyone is nice. I loved it. I guess they liked me too also. But I wouldnt be me if I didnt cause some kind of havoc while there. Three of the lads figured they fancied me. I go months with not a fella in site then three come along all at once.
Benny, Rob ane Alan.
I knew Benny liked me. Rob was a total suprise. I was possitive that Alan disliked me!:confused:

So I kissed Benny... but then he didnt turn up one night when I was going out with Rob and Rob turned out to be really nice...so I kissed him also.

Then I told Rob it was a mistake and he was like "oh ok...im not giving up but ok" ...hmmm.

Then one night I was out with the lads again and I kissed Benny again. Now I fancied Alan but he didnt really show any interest. But then night I kissed Benny again Alan comes up top me real drunk and tells me he likes me and he just had to say it. I thought it was a cruel joke.

It wasnt. I told him I wasnt going to hurt Benny....but by the end of the night I knew that Ben and I wernt right together. I got very restless. So two nights later I go out with Alan and I have a great night. I kiss him. Then he meets me the next morning for coffee. And ever since we have been together. Iv seen him nearly everyday for a month. He has met my mom and dad and freinds and iv met his. They like him. He does everything for me.

But now im the bitch in work. I dunno if i deserve it but oh well thats life for you. Alan doesnt get it too bad. I mean he is just another innocent pawn in my cruel game right?

Anyway enough about boys. Im really coming on in my art. I didnt know if I was good before but I do know. Not great of anything but good. I can do anything know and im so inlove with it! Im just waiting on colleges and its scarey. This is my true happiness and i hate waiting.

So basically all is good here. The only downer is that with everything I done get on here any more. I miss it. The last time I was suprised to feel love for this place filling me.

I'll be back though.:D

[Eolyn]

Yeah so not much has happened in my world. Its all just going steady.

Still working, though the getting paid monthly is getting really hard to swollow.
Getting on with them there..most of the time.

Next year im starting an art course in a town not far from here. Its really good and i'm excited about it.

Still going out with Alan. He's being great. Im glad I've found a nice guy. Im still living at home coz I cant afford to move out just now. Next week though the family is going away on holiday without me for a week. A whole week of waking up to alan and baths and everything! I so cant wait!

So basically there are no drama's in my life and nothing major happening. Im just living. Happily. Going somewhere but slowly. Plodding along until I can break free.

Wierd for me. Usually there is something happening...

...Oh yeah mum found out about my tattoo when she rubbed cream into my sore shoulder. She is gonna wait a day or two before she explodes..and explode she will.

So nothing earth shattering. Thank god.

I havent been here much but I cant help that.

Hope ye are all well.

[Eolyn]

So I guess it was just the calm before the storm. I should have realised it was too good to be true.

One night Alan got drunk and told me I was being bitchy. We where both out. I ignored him and had a good night out. Then the next night I rang him and asked him what the fuck. He said he doesnt know if he wants to be with me anymore.

Obviously Im upset. So i said we need to talk in person so we arranged for monday. Monday came and at nine that night I ring him to ask him where he is..

..he's on a bus to dundalk(a place three hours in the opposite direction to me) with his mates. So I dump him. Totally fucked me around.

It hurt for an hour then I got myself together and realised everything I knew my friends would say to me. And I believed them all. So im good.

Its scary how ok I am.I just want to move on. I want a little guy attention but nothing serious. Cant remember the last time I had good old fasion sweet male attention.

So thats it. Single once again.

[Eolyn]

Thats exactly what I did today..while in the shower..while singing that song.
Some mornings and sometimes even some whole days im perfectly fine. Then out of nowhere I crash. I go empty and all i got left are memories..oh so wonderful memories.

Like the shower..it was my favourite place with him.everything was so soft and loving and attentive. Then I think about our last real kiss. So much feeling, I nearly cried cos I was sad..we had been fighting. Then I kissed him to make things sorta ok and he gave me the longest softest kiss....that was the day he rang me and told me I was bitchy.

My cool exterior has totally vanished. I want it back. I want my fucking indifference back.

I know im getting sad cos we saw each other last week to give each other back our stuff..it was great. Friendly and we patched up the hurtness and now im dying!

Ok.Deep breath. Im not dying. Im just hurt a little bit. I wanna get over it. Now!:dozey:

[Eolyn]

Well all of this seems really...pointless.
I cant believe how wrapped up in myself I've been.
My friend Aileen..who iv been friends with forever has just told me..she has MS.
She has just found out herself. I cant believe it. Multiple sclerosis. In my friend. My bubbley, optimistic, nineteen year old friend.

Her life is totally different now. Iv been to see her and we chat about it and also about other things. Mainly her boyfriend who has been a saint and loves her to bits. We laugh alot. I think she needs that most rather than a shoulder to cry on. But im there for that also.

She has used the words "not serious" and "I can live with this". I think she is in denail. She thinks its not going to get worse and that she will only have a dull numbness in her left arm forever. When she said it I just looked at her. I didnt have the heart to say otherwise. Her mum is a nurse so Im sure Pauleen will set her straight in the easiest way.

I just wish it wasnt happening to her. Not her. She doesnt deserve it. She is the nicest. She has studied hard to get into college. She is like the perfect person.

Theres no way to fix it.

[Eolyn]

...or somebody is anyway!!

Ok so it starts out i got no guy..then I got three guys..then I got one amazing guy and didnt want any other...then I got no guy....then I got old flame sneaking up on me with an offer of sex....then he changes his mind coz he wants more than that....so I got half a guy....den the previously mentioned "amazing" guy starts texting me, for 10 hours straight...then text's me again next day...then one of the previously mentioned "three guys" text's me after a long long period of silence......

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!! Cant you make it regular!?

Whats wrong with a bit of. Guy no.1, then months later guy no.2, then guy no.3, etc,etc...

It may be pradictable but it doesnt give me so much of a headache and its easier to have one guy and lose him then having three possibilities..then none!

What the hell is my ex's doing texting me. Fuck them all if they think im going to fall back to them cos they are lonely now.

*sigh*
Maybe they are just looking for friendship...I can do that..id like that...

Aileen only has mild MS and they caught it early so there is every chance of her living a normal life for the next 30/40 years. If she meets someone later down the line who is ok and supportive she might even be able to have kids.

It will be a change and hard sometimes but not the hidious disaster I thought at the start. Which is ok. I just keep saying to myself thank god it wasnt a worse case. I can be thankful for that.

*sigh*

[Eolyn]

Yeah so I'm back with my ex.
He saw me the last day in town.(I say the last day but I mean about three weeks ago). I gave him the last thing I had of his..after I gave him this I had no reason to see him again.
We were over and had nothing to tie us together. Five minutes later he was texting me.

To make a long story short it ended up in him wanting me back, us meeting up to talk about it and him doing a very good job of sucking up.Not just that he explained what had happened when we broke up.

He had a good enough reason and I accepted it but still had demands.He agreed to everything and still to this day he is making the effort to prove how wrong he was in messing me about.

So I'm happy. I've got my family on my case cos they dont want me back with him. Its hard for me but harder for him.

We are planning a weekend away so im looking forward to that and Iv got a wedding coming up this weekend and he's coming. Im staying at his house after and for all the next day. Should be lovely.

So I dunno. Will we be over in two weeks? Can I trust him? Will he do it all again? I dunno. It scares me to hell but im gonna trust him once more. Take the chance once more and hope with all my heart it turns out all right.

[Eolyn]

Yeah so my cousin got married last saturday. It was the first wedding in the family and our family is close so it was important to us all. I got really dressed up as everyone did. Got my hair cut. Everything.

Iv got a few pics of it. My sister invited her bf so I invited Alan. He got all dressed up for me and everything! *sigh*

(Just incase ye dont think I know how stupidly lovey im being id like to assure you now that I do...and it makes me sick also)

My sisters bf and Alan got on great. In fact Eoin took him under his wing as he is another "outsider" and bought him a double jack danials. Then Alan bought him one back. They drank JD's and double whiskeys all night. Elaine and I were somber and they were twisted.

But its ok. We danced and stuff. He was so cute cos he is so bad. Unfortunately we fought at the end of the night. We always do when one or both of us are drunk. But thats ok also. We both understand that we are just one of those couples who cant drink together.

We are going away on holidays during the summer and when my parents go away on holidays next week he will be staying. Happy days.

[Eolyn]

As it says things are just as good if not better. Spent a good week with him at my house. Five glorious days and nights of just us. No family or house mates. Just wrapped in his arms.
Then we went to Galway together. It was fun. Got smashed and Alan chided me abit coz I was being a fool as always but I was just drunk so it was ok. It was lovely.

Its all been quiet good. He's got a bad ear infection though and he has been worrying me half to death. Wont take the time off work as he should.

Lets hope I can stay this happy with out fucking it up.

[Eolyn]

The worst thing about my days off are that I end up having nothing to do. I mean what can you do on a monday morning??
Also you would like to sleep in on your day off but not me...I wake up at half eight with no chance of getting back to sleep.

So I got up. Made mum a cup of tea. Cleaned the kitchen and the sitting room. Got back into bed and have been watching tv ever since. Five hours of tv?? Not fun. Now im groggy. So now im up and on here.

Then Ill have a shower..wait till dad gets home so i wont have to cook. Then head of to Alans to watch tv then seduce him for the evening.

Thats my day off. Not very productive.

Im watching ER. I love it. Its raining like god ordered the flood or something. Fucking hell. It shines for two weeks solid when I dont get any days offf coz everybody else is sick and now its fucking raining when all I got are days off!!

Im grumpy.

[Eolyn]

Ok maybe not but im sweating like a pig and I hate doing that in public:)
In in Chartbusters killing time on the net and its roasting outside. Iv got an hour to kill...you'd think id spend it getting a tan..not me.
Its been so fucking hot lately..ok so I did try this sun bathing thing on monday but i was out there for three hours and no change at all to the colour of my skin..not even red!!

I got up this morning and made breakfast for my mum,little sister and her two little friends who stayed over last night. Its so cute, they all think im the coolest thing since cell phones we