A day in the life of Nynaeve

[Belle]

Ok, so I'm not Nynaeve. Just damn close....

EDIT: I've editted this so I would no longer get bitched at by people obsessing over me. This thread is fixed so it's not bashing anyone and if people can't deal with this, then get over it. :mad: :grumbles:

[Belle]

Don't worry, I wont go all corny on you in the first few sentences......

Let's see, today I talked to FD, cleaned, and talked to Dj......while I live with Dj, I will soon be moving back into the Waste.......

Dj has been very good to me and I am very thankful for him. He is in every way, a true warder......

FD, just smells right, or rather gives off the vibes that I need in life. Since getting to know him a bit better, I can't concentrate on anything else.....the funny thing is that Dj predicted it.

I can't believe I ever doubted him. I of all people should have known better.....

In a time when I was feeling down, two men came and saved me. To them I owe my life. May the light illume them both and keep them safe where I cannot.......

[Belle]

Today I felt like giving up hope for a while......I would rather be stabbed, shot, and beaten sensless than have someone say I love you and take it back. I felt like flipping the switch on my emotions and going cold. I had to tell myself to get over it and move on........

I had a strange song running through my head today. I can't seem to remember the name of it, but it went something along the lines of this:

"People are strange, when you're a stanger. Faces are ugly, when you're alone".........

My day got better though and I was glad I held on for the ride......I tried calling FD today on the telephone, and got sunburned in the process only to have the phone be choppy as heck.......what a day! FD has a really cute accent....what little I could actually hear of the conversation.......He called me a Seachan! :confused: Oh well, he said he liked my accent as well.......

After reading my warder's reflections thread, I can safely say that it takes more than saying something wrong to get rid of me! ;)

I have had only guy friends most of my life. However, lately, all the guys i've been friends with either no longer care for me, or want to get down my pants, or want a relationship. Feeling uwanted seems much easier than feeling wanted recently.

[Belle]

For FD's sake, I shut what I could of my emotions. I am once again heartless and uncaring.....so sue me.......if anyone absolutely needs me, PM me, I'll see what I can do.......suppose that's what i get for being so open.......

Wow, never realized how much of an effect emotions have on life. The world seems bland.....not worth my time.......

[Belle]

Geez, its been 7 months since I found out about my sickness. I remember the whole thing.....a week after I had to have my abortion (or die and the baby had a 0% chance of living because of a thing called Potter's Syndrome) I found out that an ulcer had eaten its way through my stomach and onto my kidneys. They gave me pills they said would help prevent the ulcer from spreading, but not heal it. The pills are the type that put you to sleep. I guess you're not gonna stress when you sleep. I refuse to sleep my life away, why be alive if you can't truly live . So I haven't taken them since May. The only other thing they can do is give my a kidney transplant. However, the waiting list is long. Mean while, the ulcers eat away at my kidneys with the chance of spreading to other vital organs. In short, if nothing is done, I die.

The question that has come to mind is how I want to live the rest of my life. I no longer want to be hidden from the world. I want to get out and fall in love and be loved. I want to see the world and raise my kids. In short, I want to have fun and live life to the fullest. Human life is too short to waste even when one is healthy......

[Belle]

A chance to make a friend. Love is good and love is bad, but overall good. If I had never loved, and been hurt, I wouldn't have had two of my new friends....what else can I say. I have no regrets....

[Belle]

For those of you who don't know, I'm afriad of well......everything.....

THE LIST:

Birds
Heights
Small enclosed places
Large crowds of people
and many more that I can't think of

I hate that my fears get in the way of life.......I'm considering going on a date, but I'm afraid of going out and I don't exactly want to stay in. I'm looking for someone wanting a serious relationship and don't really want to waste my time on people who aren't wanting such a thing. I hate getting attached to someone or falling for someone, only to scare them away. I know that my life is complicated and sometimes much like a soap opera (and a bad one at that) but someone out this is bound to be able to handle it........

[Belle]

I had a dream (and for all the smart asses, drop the Martin Luther King thing....) the other night that I was in a performance (much like the ones I was in when I was younger) and I was looking into the crowd. I could see Trystan in the audience, watching me. While performing I kept thinking "Damn, I have to get to him before the crowd rushes the door, otherwise I won't have a way home."

The performance ended and I rushed to meet him. However, while I was running, a girl stopped me with jealous ranting. So, I decked her and kept running. I got out the doors just in time to see Trystan drive away.

"Well shit! I thought, now how am I going to get home?" So I started walking. Along the way, I stopped at a gas station and someone gave me 50 cents to make a phone call. I called home and it rang and rang and rang, then went the answering machine that told me my normally cheery tone " You've reached Kiri and Trystan, leave a message, and we'll get back as soon as we get the chance!" No one picked up.

So I walk for a long time and as I turn down the street where I live, Trystan is out front playing with my two kids. He sees me and runs up to kiss me.

Then he asks "Where were you?"
I replied, "You were supposed to wait for me!"
He then said "I thought you would get a ride from someone in your performance group, or call my cell phone....." as he raises his cell phone to show me.

I felt like such a fucking ditz. I walked all this way and there was an an easier way to get home all along.

Then my daughter woke me up.....

I asked for Dj's help interpretting the dream........

The crowd and Trystan being out of reach he says might be the here and now.

The part that I walk is the long road ahead to getting where I want to be.

Trystan is where I want to be.

The cell phone is the easier way to get where I want to be........

I know its right in front of my face, but I can't see it for the life of me......

[Belle]

It has come to my attentions that I have options......many options.....

The man I am in love with, does not reciprocate the feelings, or so he says. I still love him and always will one way or the other. The problem I have today is do I stick around and keep getting hurt, or do I cut off contact and try to move on, or do I try to move on in front of his face? I was hoping that if I said goodbye, he would realize that he doesn't want to live a life without me. I talked to him about it and he said goodbye for me, only to come back moments later telling me how empty he felt and showing me how miserable my life is without him. He breaks my heart whether I'm with him or without him.......I just don't understand how you can feel so strongly for someone and then be so willing to watch them walk out of your life.

I met someone today. He is smart and witty and attractive, however, I think friends is as far as it will ever go. If it becomes more, it will come as a suprise to me. I am set in my ways and stubborn as any Two Rivers woman!

Today makes me wonder why with all the men who want me at this time do I feel so unwanted......it's like being in a room full of people and feeling completely alone. I would give up all of this attention if I could just have the one person I know can make me happy....Never in my life have I been so subserviant as I am now. I am willing to do anything.....that person says jump and I'll jump and ask "was that high enough? Can i do it again?"

For now, I wait. Knowing that one is out there. Hopefully out there looking for me as well......

[Belle]

OK, its been a couple of days since my last post. Since then, a good friend of mine has pointed out something I should have seen all along. I know where my heart belongs.....so why is it so hard to keep it there?

I'm used to getting what I want.......spoiled I suppose you can call me. I've really no one to blame but myself........I've always gotten what I wanted because I don't take no for an answer........

Today I felt an emotion that I can't put a name to. Maybe it's envy, maybe its jealousy. My best female friend has the man I love on a short chain. He comes to her every beckoning call. I suppose he feels for her as I do for him. However, I'm with him......She's married to someone else.......I don't know what to call the emotion, but at the end of the night, I suppose what I feel is just plain hurt.......I'm not interested in a fruitless love, but geez, how do I get rid of this feeling?

A friend of mine is searching himself for his own beliefs at this time. I believe he will know who he is upon reading this. To him I say: The bible was translated many times over and re made to fit the life style at the time (ie the King James version) There are many different versions of it, including one where instead of Job getting everything back doubly in the end, he ends up with nothing. It is nothing to be ashamed of to not like church. I find that most church goers only go because it looks good to others.....I consider myself non denominational..... A FINAL THOUGHT ON THIS....one thing I've learned about God is that, you can ask and beg him and make promises, however, God answers as he will, sometimes you like the answer, sometimes you don't........its life and whoever told you it was ever supposed to be fair was telling you a huge fucking lie!

[Belle]

She's lead a life with very little hard ship. She's known him for years. She knows his likes and dislikes. She's so comfortable with herself. He thinks she's the best thing since sliced bread.

How do I compare with that? I guess it's not really about comparison though, I just have to be myself and pray that he can love me for me.

[Belle]

Well, I guess the answer to that is that I didn't need to....

I'm off to the Waste again this weekend.......

I have a job offer to be a live in nanny and make 25k a year.....and go to school. This job would look awesome on my resume or transcripts for college.....

It seems that the days of me getting what I want in life are back! I feel relieved and yet stressed at the same time.

I had a tough day today, thinking I was going to have to move back in with my Ma. I love my Ma and we're best friends, but I don't think I could live with her again.....

Today, a bad post was made about me. For those of you who actually saw the post, I'm sorry you had to see something like that. I hold no hard feelings towards the person that posted it and only wish they could have handled it in a different fashion. When I read in I was more in awe than anything......I was almost hurt, and then thought, "Why am I worried about something like this?" I had some help coming to that conclusion from CC. I appreciate all the help I received with this issue and thank everyone who backed me up and helped resolve the situation.

I'm sorry if when I post I seem juvenile, I try to loosen up and have some fun....those of you who actually know me have obviously seen my serious side and know that this is just me trying to have a good laugh or two before going back to my soap opera life......

In short, today was a bittersweet day...

[Belle]

I almost have my feelings back today.....mostly just anger though.....

My ex wants visitation with the kids, and being the nice person I am, I agreed to visitation. Well, now he doesn't want to take them every other weekend like a normal parent, no, he wants to take them sunday through tuesday......I could see if he actually had a job and worked on the weekends, but he doesn't! I supported him until I left him and now he's asking me for money! I have both our kids, isn't he supposed to be paying me? He's not seeing a dime from me.....he won't take the kids on the weekends because he wants to go play yugioh on saturdays......I told him to cry me a river, build a bridge and get the FUCK over it! IF he can't put his kids before his games, he doesn't need to see them......

Ok, I'm better now, really..

[Belle]

Well, I've pretty much packed everything here with the exception of the cows, and videos.......tomorrow is the big day. I found out last night that my job in ridgerest fell through AGAIN! So, I'll be off to live with my Ma until I can get my own apartment.....should have one in a couple of weeks......

My stepdad had a heart attack a few days ago.....however, he's ok and will return home around monday...he might have to go on disability though.....

I'm semi-glad to be going back home to the Waste. Winter was always nice there.....I have found someone to be roomies with. My Ma is trying to hook me up with him, not knowing that I've known him for almost 5 years.....(rolls eyes)

Oh well, a long night for me it appears.....sometimes I think of what it would be like if I had never left the Waste, then I remember and am glad I left......but some part of my missing, and I can't be sure what....

[Belle]

I'm back in the Waste now. I have to admit, I'm glad to be back home. I went to look for a new apartment today and put in an application at a really cute three bed place. The manager seems really nice and it's a quiet part of town even though it is next to the railroad tracks, but where in Barstow isn't?

I have a date tomorrow with an old friend. Today he brought me a rose. Even though I fear dating, my curiosity is getting the best of me. I must admit that this life thing can be pretty fun.

[Belle]

Well, I had a date tonight....he canceled. His gma wanted him to clean the yard, so he tried to reschedule for tomorrow during the day. I have so much to do......no time for a date. Such is life I guess.....

I have no patience today........not sure why, I'm not tired.....I slept for 13 hours straight.....I want to hear back about my apartment and know why no one can keep a date these days....and ARGHHHHH!

[Belle]

Well, it's almost tomorrow......I get the kids back tomorrow. I'll be glad to have them back, but I'll miss the freedom......

There must have been a misunderstanding in the boobies thread with me in the last few days......when I was talking about not talking about boobies, I was meaning my own. Not boobies in general....oh well.....

I had an argument with my ex again today. He called me just to tell me that he wanted to cut my daughters hair cause he was too lazy to brush it and keep it pulled out of her eyes......what an ass. I told him that if he cut her hair I'd cut his with dull scissors.......

[Belle]

What a day! What a day! My ex didn't want to take the kids for the whole time we agreed on, so I didn't get half the stuff done that I needed to do. Then when I told him he wasn't being responsible, he didn't want to give the kids back at all.....so we argued for two hours to no avail. He ended up with a choice. Drop the kids off with me, or miss his job interview.....needless to say he won't be seeing them again anytime soon without a court order......I try to be nice, and see what happens?

[Belle]

Well, I got an apartment. Not bad, 500 a month for a two bedroom, one bathroom place. I even got DSL and phone service for 40 bucks a month. The downside......my deposit for the gas is 350+ dollars....And I still have to buy all the kitchen stuff and a tv! OMG! Thankfully I have 1200 bucks coming......

So much shopping, so little time. I'm also trying to find a part time job.....which is what I'm off to do now...

[Belle]

Well, I got a job yesterday. Yeah, it's only at a Subway, but it'll suffice until I go back to school. So, I have a job, an apartment, CC is coming to visit me in November. Life is good. I even found a way to pay for that evil deposit.....

Ma and I went shopping today and got a crap load of stuff for the new apartment. My dad got me a new TV and is bringing up a bunch of other stuff for me. I think I'll do well on my own........or at least I'm hoping.....

[Belle]

Well, I've been offline for a week. I started my new job, and I like it! I also have found that living alone isn't as bad as I thought. In this week I've had for reflection, I've realized that having sex with someone you don't love is like looking at the world through dirty glasses......you just feel dirty and the world seems dim.......(I had this problem earlier this month upon moving back to the waste)

I had an interesting night last night. My ex came over to help me get my internet up. He was getting sick and I know he's not getting enough nutrition...so I fed him and let him stay the night on the couch. Even after all he's put me through, I can't find it in me to be a bitch to him. He leaves and almost immeadiately I think "Wow, I hate him....."

I find myself counting down the days to Nov. 13th when I get to meet another wotist, and counting down the days until I get to go back to school. I never thought I'd want to go back to school, but I've been so bored in the last month that it seems like a godsend to be going back.

[Belle]

T minus 11 days and counting. Ok, that was corny.....lol. Halloween night, the phone rang at 1230 am and I got up out of bed to answer it. I was walking quickly through my living room in the dark when my little toe caught on the couch. I heard a snap and examined it after I answered the phone. THe little toe was off to the side. It was late, so I tried to put it back into it's place and went to bed. The next day, I couldn't walk. So, I went to thte doctor's and ended up that I had dislocated it and fractured it in two places. I missed work......Feels a bit better now though! Tomorrow is work again.

[Belle]

Well, another day, another dollar. I was up all last night because of SOMEONE'S music! (Glares through the window at neighbors) So, I went about my day being tired. I had a fight with my ex and I guess it ends up he was only coming around cause he thought I wanted to get back with him........I want to be friends, but I guess that'll never happen now. :cry:

He claims I lied to him about my feelings for someone else. We're just friends. That's my story and I'm stickin to it! So there! If anything happens in the future, then it does. What else can I say?

At work, I couldn't keep my mind off of one particular guy and it was driving me nutso! I was daydreaming while sweeping, while cutting pickles.......it was pathetic.......

[Belle]

It's only about 8 am and I've already got so much to do. Thankfully its all stuff that can't be done until after nine. I have to call the gas company, call the electric company, send some stuff out and go to the DA's office. Woe is me. I have to get a hold of my mom somehow, but her phone is constantly busy. I need to get the woman out of the stone age and make her get DSL or cable or something........... :confused:

[Belle]

In my life, I've loved a lot of people, even if it ended up being love for a friend, it was still love. The one person I thought I was in love with a few months ago doesn't understand that before he can make anything work with anyone new, he must first get over (to an extent) his ex. Being around her, I felt like I could never be good enough and that I would always be second best in his eyes. I don't want to be someone's fall back girl and I don't want to be second to anyone in a relationship. Period. I hope everything works out for him. I just want to let him know if he ever reads this that I still care about him and wish him luck in life and love.

Now, there's a new person occupying my mind. (I know what everyone is probably thinking, another one?) This one can be me blush like the best of em! I can't stop thinking about it him. I'm sure it can be attributed to infatuation like I felt for Trystan at first. (Now I love him as a friend.) Where as I don't claim to be in love with this one (I love him as a friend though), but infatuated seems to fit for the moment. He said something that made sense to me the other day. He said that he'll have to wait and see if he loves me to meet me in person. OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE!

Well, I'm off again.

[Belle]

This is a song by Jewel that just seems to fit how I feel tonight.

Please don't say I love you. Those words touch me much too deeply and they make, my heart tremble. Don't think you realize the effect you have over me. And please don't come so close, it just makes me want to make near me always.

And when you look in my eyes, please now, my heart is in your hands. It's nothing that I understand, but with your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth baby and it makes me wanna make you near always. Wanna be near you always......

[Belle]

Today was an interesting day. I thought I'd try cutting my knuckles off while slicing Hawaiian bread for a sandwich today. I didn't do it on purpose I swear! I was daydreaming about a certain Belgian when I felt pain. Yeah, it sucked.

It was rainy in the Waste today. I hate when it rains here. It makes the kids go nutso and then they drive me nutso! They wouldn't stop crying for hours. I tried everything I could to no avail. Finally, power rangers came on and all was right in their little crap head world. They've been almost impossible to put to bed these last few days. I hope my ex will take them for a day. I'm going insane!

For the first time in a long time, I have a female friend. I don't usually get along with other females. I'm usually just one of the guys in a sense. Hopefully I'll be able to keep a female friend. I need someone who's willing to go shopping with me.

Less than a week and I'll have my visitor that I so anxiously await. I just hope he's the same person in person as he is online. This next week should prove to be very interesting at the very least. I can't wait!

[Belle]

Today is a lazy day. I cleaned house a bit and played with the kids and talked to CC. I always find it nice to be able to talk to someone on a day like this. I'm so glad he's there. Less than four days and I'll get to meet him in person.

Tonight I have a food handlers class for work. I wouldn't be looking forward to it if it didn't mean time away from the kids. I love my kids, but sometimes they're just too stressful. I wish I could hang them upside down by their toes in a closet somewhere until the stop being poopy!

[Belle]

Yet another day in Barstow. I started on the shot today and hate cramps. Yeah, yeah, you don't wanna hear it. I don't blame you. I was so grouchy today I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought my head was going to do a 360 and I'd spit pea soup........

I love someone. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with someone. I can't sleep, I can't eat......I almost cut my knuckles off the other day while cutting bread.....this is just ridiculous........I hope he feels the same way.

Well, only two and half more days until I get to meet my Belgian friend. He tried talking to me in Flemish today and it sounded like the jibberish my kids use when they don't know how to say something.......the language sounds tough to learn. I picked up on french easily in high school, but that went in one ear and out the other.......so I hope I can learn and retain the stuff I'm going to learn this coming week. I'm sooooo excited about sunday. I can't wait to meet him.

[Belle]

I never realized how hard it is to keep a floor vaccuumed with two kids around. It's like I'm vaccuuming every two minutes!!!!OH well, better than mopping I suppose!

The hot guy with the hot Belgian accent will be here in less than 24 hours and I'm soooo excited. I don't know how I'm going to keep my head out of the clouds at work. It was there all last night too.......

If anyone knows how to get the barf smell (darn kids) out of carpetting, PM me please. I've already tried sanitizers, oust for air sanitization and smelly stuff....(ie air fresheners) and scrubbing like crazy of course......damn scent is still there!

[Belle]

OK. Well, CC came and CC went. We had a good time. Went to Calico Ghost town, Disneyland, the Queen Mary and the beach and other assorted places. BTW: CC is very good looking. Don't let him tell you otherwise. I felt like a midget standing next to him. And now that he's gone, I miss him horribly.

[Belle]

Ok, yeah, I'm depressed. My health is getting worse. I have to wait to do anything about it because the docs found high HCG levels in my blood. They think it's a side effect from the shot I got, but who knows. I don't want it to be not a side effect. I miss CC. I guess I just got used to him being here. I wasn't able to tell him why I had to wait. He's already dealing with so much stuff and is stressed out, I didn't want to stress him more. So, I'll be waiting a month before really talking about it.

I think I've come to a decision. Love is love. Most people are mistaking infatuation or obsession for being IN love. When the truth of the matter is: so what if you don't feel like you can't eat or sleep because you're thinking abotu me? The point is, that you're thinking about me. Period. You hurt when I hurt. Love so deep is true love. Can you have true love without being in love to the infatuation standard? I think so. I know I can make a certain someone very happy, but how am I to make him happy when I'm not given a chance? I can see being scared, but infatuation is fleeting, deep love lasts.

I think thats all I have to say tonight.

[Belle]

OH what fun. I spent last night in the emergency room for my daughter. She had a fever of 104 and was very lethargic. So I took her in. The emergency was faster than I had expected it to be. However, I was up with her all night long and now I have a long day ahead of my. OH JOY REN! (Dies)

Got my gas bill today. Was amazed that it was 90 bucks. OH WAIT! Does that include my 56 dollar payment as well? (Runs off to check)It does! YAY! Ok, I feel better now. In the words of my daughter "Happy DAAAAY!"

Yes, Kiri has lost it. If anyone sees my mind, tell it I'm waiting for it at home.

[Belle]

OK, it's 10 pm. I'm depressed. I read my friends' reflection threads and it doesn't help. Why for once can't someone be in love with me? I get close to these people and its pointless.

[Belle]

Fuck being in love. I think I've given up on it. I hate being me. I hate me. Just thought I'd share that. For those of you who actually care, you can PM me to find out more if it pleases you, I'm not goin to broadcast why on the internet just yet.

[Belle]

Well all hell has broken loose. I can't stop throwing up. The more I throw up, the more bile and blood comes up. I can't get a hold of CC today. UGH!

Work yesterday was interesting to say the least. I was transferred to the Lenwood store a few days ago. The first few days, a girl named Tabitha and I were having a reat time working together. Then she asked me about my kids and who their fathers were. I told her the names and all the sudden she got really bitchy with me. I knew she was pregnant and thought she was just getting frustrated with me cause I wasn't doing a good job or something. Ends up that she's carrying the baby of Russie's real dad and she's still with him to boot. Apparently she feels threatened by me. I could give a rat's ass about who she's with. It's all water under the bridge as far as I'm concerned. The owner and manager told her to get the FUCK over it at work yesterday. Maybe today will be better.

I had a date the night before last. I had a great time. He came over, we played monopoly (I wiped the floor with him) and it was just fun. He's good looking and smart, which usually means he'll lose interest in me quickly. Oh well at least it's fun to hang out.

My daughter has been extra fussy lately. She had a fever and now she's better. So WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? I so need a life!

[Belle]

YAY! I got my lungs drained today! I'm still very drowsy from the stuff they used to put me out, but I was able to go back to work immeadiately. Thankfully all I had to do is stand there and cashier. No more throwing up and coughing up blood! They were even able to figure out why I was throwing up blood. They spoke in medical terms and right now, my tiny toy brain can't remember what they said. This reminds me of the time I was given tylenol with Kodeine after having my first child. Someone started asking me questions. One of those was " WHo was the nurse that helped deliver the baby?" My repsonse: "I have an aunt named that!" :tard:

I wanted to put this as my avi, but it wouldn't fit. :cry:

[Belle]

TO Dan: All I can say about your post is that, you had me until you started telling everyone the we were only "cohabitating" that and telling me we were "just friends". I mean come on! I don't live with/sleep with people I only consider as friends. The more I was around you and your ex, the more I felt I didn't belong there. I was in a place where the only other friends I had were online, so I used the computer to distance myself from you. I'm sorry that hurt you. It wasn't like I wasn't hurt by the fact that I never really had a chance with you.

Well, another day, more work, more pain. I can't wait to get paid so I can get my web cam and mic and then CC and I won't have to spend 2 bucks a minute to talk to eachother...... :grumbles: Is it so much to ask for that my food stay in my stomach so I don't praise the porcelain gods all day? GEEZ!

[Belle]

Yet another boring day in the life of Kiri. I talked to CC online using my cam and mic last night. Kept him up until about 8 am his time. I also talked to Mazzy today and yesterday using it. Mazzy got to hear me sing and is hopefully getting his cam and mic today too! CC is supposed to get his today, if he can fit it into his VERY busy schedule. Yeah, its sad. My life revolves around my computer. :confused:

[Belle]

Well, today has been an interesting day. Mazz got his cam and mic. He has an awesome singing voice. Made me blush to hear him sing. We tried singing something together, however the lag was just too bad. Anywho, CC is supposed to get his tomorrow, now I just hope my flippin internet will work tomorrow morning. My modem has been overly poopy and it's driving me nutso! I HATE IT!

[Belle]

Ok, so far my thread of wotism gathering is coming along nicely. False Dragon and Eolyn are planning the European gathering. However, they need to pick a date and a place and get things rolling. I know things take time, but as anxious as FD is about all this, he's sure not making much progress. I'm going to start thinking about the US gathering. There are a few things I need to consider:

First off, the date. I think I nice Spring date would be good. Has to be sometime when the colleges are out because we have a lot of college wotists on here.

Second, the place. I was thinking vegas, but would like some feed back. I mean there's something for everyone to do there, including that for people under 21. (And its only two hours from where I live.) The other places I've considered are Florida because of the beaches and what not, and New York, New York.

Then, there's a matter of funding. We will need a place to meet, something like a convention center, or conference room. I'm sure I could find something in vegas, but how much would it cost? Then there's refreshments that need to be taken into consideration. I mean we're not going to provide every meal, but lunch on the day of the actual meeting wouldn't be bad. All of this costs money. Then there's some wotists who might need financial help getting to the gathering, perhaps we could set up a fund for the fellow wotists or what not.

Then there's food. Pizza is usually the cheapest and most loved favorite. I mean we could get a meat lovers and that would be the closest I would be able to get to Nino's pizza. And drinks, soda and canned tea and the like would work.

If we had it in my town (The Waste), we could all just stay at my place.......(looks around) I'm sure I could cram about 30 in my house, give or take.....

[Belle]

This is a dream I've had for years, I may have told some of you about it before, but this is what I dreamt last night and it is extended.

Looking through my own eyes, a door stands before me. A door that's blacker than pitch pulls me in. I can't help but enter this room; the room of my dreams. A sight I've seen in my mind for years that is neither treat nor torture tickles my senses. Closing my eyes is all but in impossible in this place, but there is no need. With blackness all around me, filling my soul, I continue on.

In the corner sits a man, cross legged on the lush green lawn. His dark hair falls idly over his deep brown eyes. Be he a wandering minstrel or nobility, the air about him shall never tell. He strums chords on a golden mandolin as his eyes search my being. The feelings of blissful love come over me, only to be overtaken by pain. This pain is unlike any other. It grasps at my heart and squeezes at me like a vice. The chords follow suit and soon I feel as though I'm falling.

The darkness is vast and consumes everything in sight. Soon there is no grass, no man, no mandolin, no music. All that is left is void of life, void of emotion. Just when I think that I too will cease to exist, I see another man. This man sits in a strong wooden chair. The chair is neither fancy nor elegant in appearance but is strong and supportive. He stares at me intently, knowing me, loving me. His eyes are like blue flames, hot with a passion for life, and a passion for me.

I open my mouth to speak, but before I can utter a word, something catches my eye. A simply woven necklace hugs his neck. The brilliant silvers, reds, blacks, and blues pale in comparison to his downy cheeks. The necklace is so familiar.....

Abruptly, my breath catches and I reach for my constricting throat and there it is. The familiar necklace that hugs my neck as well. Feeling faint, I approach him, the brownish-gold strands standing out of the necklace become more evident with every passing second. Then he kisses me and I am safe. Only now to wake..............

[Belle]

Mazzy back! (Does a happy dance!) I've missed chatting with my warder! Well, just a quick post before I hop on down the bunny trail and get into my nice warm bed. Work was slow as usual, I got asked out by an ex co worker from Rip Griffin's and declined. The poor guy was sooooo red when he asked me. It was kinda funny.

I had my court date for my divorce on monday. And it got a continuence for Jan 10th because my ex requested Mediation. Is it just me or does is seem like someone's procrastinating? OH well, at least it'll all be over with then.

Now talk about weird. My little bro (not by blood, his Ma unofficially adopted me into their family) has been over at my house a lot lately because I only live down the street. Well I was talking to my boyfriend and his sis came on. Now my little bro and my bf's sis are together.........oi. I had an interesting conversation with my bf's uncle tonight. He was trying to give me the silent treatment because I don't keep things from my bf. But it didn't work. I think he realized it, cause he got into a little huff about it and so I let him go. What a silly goose!

[Belle]

Well yesterday I got hurt. "Big suprise" you say in a sarcastic tone.......

I am in love with someone new. However, I still love the last person. I asked him to send me pics yesterday so I could see what the chick he's in love with looks like and he sent me one of them together. That just hit a raw nerve or something. I was in a bad mood the rest of the day. I called off work cause I was so fucking down. The thing that made me feel better was the man I love telling me that I'm the most beautiful person he knows (and not just looks).

I've become increasingly popular with the guys lately. Not really sure why. Had a guy ask me out when he came into my work the other day and another stranger tell me I'm beautiful......odd.....

[Belle]

Being in love is the best feeling in the world when the feelings are reciprocated. However, love can come with a pang when that person is so far away. You long to hold them, to cuddle them, to love them. Everything pales in comparison to talking with them. You can profess your undying love to them and still feel as if the words are inadequate and yet, they're all you have.

I'm having a party tonight for Christmas eve. No alcohol or anything, just a bunch of friends playing with the kids and playing ddr and stuff. I'm going to be surrounded by people and having a great time, but oh what I wouldn't give to spend a quiet evening with Chris...

I can't wait until tomorrow. Food. I love food. My kids are getting spoiled....this is gonna be great. Yet, something feels missing, yeah, that's what it is. I'm not with Chris. This sucks. (beats head against desk)

And I have been informed that my soon to be ex sis in law like to read what I write, so I would just like to wish her a merry christmas and say that the kids say hello.

[Belle]

Update on Kiri's life. Well through the last month, I've had a boyfriend and got dumped (didn't care, the guy whined when he talked for God's sake!).

But something much more important happened. I fell for someone. (Yes, again.) It was unexpected. And no, I don't fall for everyone I talk to, I just deleted about 75 people off of my instant messenger lists. Since everyone already knows, I'm in love with Vashna. I'm going in March to see him instead of going to the wotism Europe gathering.

My divorce isn't going as well as it should. My ex is trying to avoid child support by saying that our daughter isn't his. (Unless it's immaculate conception, Gab is his.) So this could take a while.

School. I enrolled in college today. I can't wait to get to my studies. It'll give me something productive to do. And if I need to move to Aussie Land, I can always get in on a student visa pretty easily.

I found two new singers to worship. The first one I found is named Gackt. The next one, and all heil to him, is MAZRIM TAIM! Yes, our fellow wotist people! He's cute, he's smart, and has a good voice! My friend is drooling over him as I type this.

[Belle]

Ok, well I've had an interesting few days. On friday a guy I had been talking to on the internet came up by bus to meet me and spend the weekend hanging out. He ended up to be a total weirdo. He kept pestering Heather about me. I mean, he wouldn't even ask her how she was doing, he'd just start hounding her with questions about me. I spent 3 days straight cleaning so my house would be decent for company. He comes in and rearranges my living room when I walked to my Ma's a few blocks away.

Since moving in with Dj last august, I have learned not to flench at everything. It had been almost 5 months since I'd flenched at anything. However, this guy scared me. I was flenching at every move. Then I finally got fed up with him trying to kiss me and what not, so I told him that my heart belongs to Rob and that he didn't stand a chance. He got mad which scared me even more. I ended up talking to Vashna all night long. We talked about quite a bit. The more I talk to him, the more I find myself deeper in love with him.

Talking to Vashna on cam kept me from pulling my hair out, but it didn't keep my from tensing my whole body and biting at my tongue all night. I didn't even realize I was doing it until after I woke up after two hours of sleep. I finally kicked him out this morning. God, what a relief.

I have two people to thank for being there for me last night. First of all, when I could get a hold of Vashna, Dj was there for me. Thank you. YOu may not be my warder anymore, but you're still there for me when I need you. FOr that, I'm grateful to you. And of course, Vashna for staying up with me all night. After I explained the situation, he kept my mind busy and off the main source of stress. I'm so glad he was there for me to get lost in. Thank you Rob, I love you.

[Belle]

YOu can love across many miles, love across oceans, and this is all doable because of the internet and because love is an idea and ideas are something that can never be completely destroyed.

I've found myself growing as a person and growing in a relationship that is rather odd. The person I love lives in Australia and I live here in California. Yet I don't yearn for sexual relations without that person. This is the longest I've gone without sex and it's not really that bad. I've been preaching for a long time that sex without love isn't as good. Yes, sex is good, but sex with love is GRRRRREAT! Well, it's only now that I realize just why this is. When you truly make love to a person, you're making love to them to be as close to them as humanly possible for the time, not necessary to get off. You want it to last as long as you can.

Yes, I've grown, not just about the sex, but I realized something that I've been missing in my previous relationships. It's been a flaw I'd never seen until last night. I'd usually never even consider being a warder to someone because I see it as I'm serving them and that was below me. However, now, I find myself looking at being a warder to Vashna as a privelage and a joy to be able to serve and do anything to make him happy. It no longer seems beneath me, but I view it as an honor, not a chore as I thought I would.

A big lesson. It may not seem so big to everyone else, but for me to be making these sorts of changes for better and seeing that I'm doing this, is better than anything I've imagined.

[Belle]

For the first the time in my life I feel like I'm good enough. I'm happy just being with me and if anyone has a problem with me, they can bite themselves!

Last night I did something that I hope I won't regret. I stopped talking to someone very important to me. One of my best friends because they were distracting me from things in life that are also important to me. I still love them to pieces, just hope that they understand. It's nothing against them. I just think they need to figure out what they want in life, grow up, grow some balls and contact me when they've found who they really are.

A few days ago a good friend of mine stopped talking to me because I wouldn't show them my boobs. Since then they've apologised. It still kinda hurts. I don't appreciate being viewed as a sex object. I'm a smart, pretty, wonderful little muse and should be treated as such.

Rob made me the cutest little notice the other day and I thought it should post it.

[Belle]

A bad day...hmmm...saying this was a bad day would be an understatement. I woke up to my house being almost 90 degrees in mid winter (the friend I have staying with me until he finds a place of his own decided to turn the thermostat to 90 and fall asleep) then, I get up and my kids are sick and whiny. So I started talking to a friend in Australia that decided to stay up all night and be bored with me until Rob got on. Well, I was chatting merrily away when I got a call from my school saying that my financial aid had been rejected because in 2002, the college didn't get my drop forms when I moved and therefore I got straight F's. (dies.) So then I call my Ma and she says to call me nanny (gma) and ask her to cosign on a student loan for me. Well, my nanny agreed to cosign.

The day was looking much brighter until I tried calling around and found that my school is not eligible to any student loans what so ever. My lame ass piece of shit school...and I can't get a private loan because I'd have no way to pay it back. So I called my gma back and she says she can see what see can do about loaning me the amount I need and having me just pay her back, but 1500 is a lot of money....

So, I was in tears thinking that I couldn't go see Rob in March, and when he hopped on line I was composed enough to tell him calmly. It ends up that he'll pay for the hotel or whatnot. So at least my trip is still on. I called my dad to verify the days he'd be watching the kids (2 weeks) and he said he's enrolling them in my old preschool down in Long Beach. So at least all of that is worked out. I still however do not like the fact that Rob is paying the entire amount for the hotel (we agreed to pay half and half). So I'm having to swallow my pride. It's either that, or not meet him, and well, I'm just not willing to do stop our plans.

And back to the physical world...The day was good. I got to briefly see my best friend as she dropped her kid off with her sis. Then she promised to take me to walmart with her tonight after she finished moving into her new place. Well, I figured we'd get to walmart around 8 and meet Brian for lunch, but it appears that moving is taking longer than expected.

My best friend is moving 20 minutes away....not so bad you say? Well I don't drive, so it sucks major donkey dung for me. She hasn't been around much in the last week and I miss her horribly. It's ridiculous how I got used to her always making me get off my ass and do things in the real world. So far, she's stood me up three times when we were supposed to go out. I hope tonight isn't another. I really don't want to got to walmart alone, much less, walk there and since she took my temp roomate with her to help her move, no one is here to watch the kids so I can walk there anyhow.

Now I sit here and wait for the off chance that Rob might get online and talk to me. This day officially sucks. Just thought I'd share that. If I had lost my wallet and my imaginary dog were to get run over by a car, I coudl write an emmy winning country song...

[Belle]

I saw Rob on cam for the first time the night before last. He was worried that I'd be dissappointed with his looks. It ended up being quite the opposite. He's definetly hot, and the fact that he's got a beautiful personality to boot only makes him more appealing to me. I've decided that I can no longer call him my boyfriend when referring to him to others. The word word boyfriend just doesn't adequately describe what/who is to me. He's my best friend, my lover, my everything...ok ok ok...I know, I'm getting mushy on you.

Well, I've got it figured out finances wise. The library has a copy of all the books I need for class. I'll just have to spend a bit more time there. So, now I can continue on with my classes and go to Australia in March. The closer March gets to being here, the more excited I get.

My Ma got to see Rob on cam yesterday for the first time. She's now convinced that he's not 50 years old and has more confidence that he's not an ax murderer. She still wants me not to go though. She sees it as me running off to foreign countries to meet men...I guess I am in a way, but only one man...and I don't think I'd be doing this if I weren't so totally head over heels for him that I call my math teacher by his name and write his name as a solution to a problem on a quiz....

I got my passport information done and sent. I got it expidited and so it should be here in 9 days. Then I have to order my visa from online since the Australian consulate in Los Angeles no longer deals with visas. I still haven't gotten my tax return in, but the minute it hits my bank, those tickets are getting bought. I always thought the visa would be the expensive part, but the passport and having it expidited ended up costing 200 where as the visa is only going to cost me about 12 bucks (20 AUD).

Now the problem is...what in the hell am I going to wear? Shallow you say? I don't care. I want to look good for him and so I feel good about myself when I meet him. I know he'll love me no matter how I dress, but still, never hurts to catch his eye. I was thinking about a a nicely fit black and white silky top with belled sleeves. The sleeves are 3/4 length and the design on the dress is very abstract. The neckline is low enough, but not too low. I don't need to be flashing the airport...and perhaps some nice boot cut black pants (not jeans) and black shoes. I'll get a necklace to go along with it, but nothing too fancy. Something red perhaps. Heather and I were discussing make up. I don't mind the eye make-up, but it can't be anything that's going to run when I cry. Lipstick...I don't wear it generally, so wearing it now would kinda be pointless since it would just end up all over Rob anyhow. So I've decided to go with chap stick. LOL!

[Belle]

Here I am at 10 pm on a Saturday night. I am both thrilled and hating my life at the same time. I've found what I've been looking for, and it's across the world. I want to be with Rob more than anything right now. I mean, in person...

He's everything I'm looking for and didn't know I was looking for. So why did he have to live so damned far away? We have to figure out who's moving where. We've decided to wait until March to decide who's going where, but I think about it every day...

Oh well, patience is a virtue...

The place I live in now seems like a cave sometimes. Empty and vast. It's only a two bed apartment. I have people here almost constantly, and yet I feel so alone. The only time I don't feel alone is when I'm online... It's ridiculous. If they say home is where the heart is, then my heart has run away to Australia. WARNING: MUSHINESS AHEAD!!!! Rob has a firm hold on my heart and can't do much about it where I am now. I only have to wait until March 18th. I am both nervous and excited about meeting the love of my life...

I feel so helpless. In some ways, I like it. In other ways I lothe it. I hate being helpless about something. It drives me nuts...

There's always the issue in the back of my mind telling me that after 12 wonderful days with Rob, I'm going to have to go back home without him. Yes, I'm leaving on April fools day and as I've said before, it fits because I'm going to be a fool to leave, although I know that I'll have to. However, on the bright side, it'll only be a couple months after that I get to see him again, for longer this time...

I sit here and ponder my future which is no longer just my future but OUR future...and wonder, what will it be like? Where will I be living? What will I be doing. Then the sound of Rob's IM comes up and well, I'm pulled back into the here and now, taking one day at a time like I should...

[Belle]

Look, I'm a loser! All of my friends are flakes. They can't be where they're supposed to be if their lives depend on it. It looks like I'll be missing school today because the person that's getting paid to watch my kids, hasn't shown up. Oh well, I'm not THAT broken up about it. I mean, at least I might get to see Rob online before he moves today. One can only hope.

Last night the neighbors house burned down. I woke up to yelling and thought it was just another fight between neighbors. I don't live in the best of neighborhoods, so it isn't unheard of. So, I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Then I heard sirens. I thought, "wow, someone called the cops on those people who were fighting" and I closed my eyes once more. Before I could fall asleep, I heard loud noises and opened my eyes to see an orange glow out my window. So, I ran outside into the cold in my night clothes to see what was going on. The house next door was engulfed in flames as high as the palm trees. So, I woke my kids, dressed them quickly, got some clothes on myself, and we went down the street and sat and watched the fire, hoping it wouldn't spread to our house. It seems the fire fighters went and knocked on everyone's door but ours (we're upstairs). Damn lazy ass bastards. But the fire didn't spread, so at about 630 am, we went back inside the house and tried to go back to sleep. What was I thinking? My kids don't believe in sleep!

Another thing that happened last night was that my cousin's best friend committed suicide in my cousin's room. I guess he had an argument with his dad and left his house to go to Britt's. When he got there, Britt was on the phone with one of her girlfriends and didn't say hi to him. He went to her room, blocked the door with her dresser and shot himself in the head with a 12 gauge. She busted down the door, but by the time she got there, he was already dead. My aunt came home and found my cousin covered in blood, clawing her face. Stupid selfish kid. He couldn't have done that in his own room...it just makes me so mad. I mean, I tried to committ suicide years ago, but when I look back on it now, it seems so stupid. Suicide doesn't solve anything. It only hurts the ones you care about. And when you're at rock bottom, know that the only way to go is up.

Rob is moving and I don't know how long it'll be until we'll be able to converse for more than a few minutes. At least we still have email. If I had money, I'd go buy a phone card and just call from time to time...but alas, my tax return hasn't come in. I get to call the IRS today and make sure my return got there because I e-filed. Oh well, guess I'm off to do that.

[Belle]

Well I get my tax return by February 22nd and I can buy my tickets then. I just hope rates don't get too high by the time I get the return. My passport should be here in the next week or so and I can get my visa. Thankfully I got it expedited, otherwise I would have been screwed.

Usually at this time, I'm happily talking to Rob for another hour or two, but tonight he's moving and won't be on for a week. How the hell am I going to pass the time? I've found that working out gives me similiar feelings as talking to him, probably the release of the endorphins. So I did my usual work out, 100 sit ups, 50 leg raises on each leg, arms circles neck exercises (what? I don't want a double chin! ick!) and then I went on to playing around with some of my gymnastics that I haven't paid attention to in forever and a day. I started off with some hand stands which I can still do very well and gracefully, and then after trying my front walk overs and fall on my back, knocking the wind out of myself several times, I figured out that I can no longer do back bends like I used to. So I started working on those. At first I couldn't even get into one from lying on my back, but by the end, I could do them from the ground again and almost from standing. I never thought about working the muscles in my back, but now that I can feel that they've been worked, I'll be doing this more often! I can still do my splits, but back walk overs are going to have to wait until I'm in better shape.

I can't help but think of Rob in everything I'm doing. What can I say? He's my inspiration. I'm not worried about what I look like when I go see him. I mean, I know I want to dress nice and look good, but I know he'll love me no matter how I look and that most of what attracts a person to me isn't my figure, it's the way I carry myself. If I can work out and be energetic and feeling my best, I'm sure that's sexier than any girl in size 5 jeans.

For my kids during my trip (they're staying with my dad in Long Beach), I have to bring their social security cards, their insurance cards, and I have to sign a statement saying that my dad is allowed to sign if the kids have an accident and need to go to the docs. I also have to get a notarized statement saying what I want to happen to my kids in the event that something should happen to me while I'm gone. This one is a tough one. I mean I don't know. My Ma loves the kids and sees them often, but she won't even watch them so I can go to one class which is four hours a week! How is she supposed to take care of them full time? I can't get a hold of my brother for another few weeks and I know he'd take em, but I don't know how his wife would react. My dad, well, he's grown up quite a bit since I left Long Beach. However, do I want to risk my kids having an upbringing like mine? I mean sure, I turned out ok if I do say so myself, but that was because of the teachers I had, and my grandpa's guidance every now and then.

Tomorrow I have a docs appointment to see what going on in my lungs. I've been coughing up bits of blood here and there again. I'm so sick of all this BS...how could I have had a punctured lung, I've never been stabbed...Oh well, I suppose we'll find out tomorrow. Meanwhile, I have to go take a shower and do all the stuff I can't do with my kids awake...

[Belle]

Rob got online today! I've missed him so much. I guess I got spoiled being able to talk to him all day. He was only on for 20 minutes, but it was soooo much better than nothing! I can't believe how much my life is centered around him! I mean I don't make appointments in the after noons because that's when he's awake.

We were in the store the other day, buying my son his birthday gifts and when we were leaving the toy department, I told him "Ok, it's time to get going" and he replied "Are we going to go get Rob?" I had to tell him "No, Rob lives in Australia." To which Russie replied "Australia? Are we going to go get Rob?" I had to explain to him that Australia is VERY far away...then he asked "So Rob's not coming?" and I told him that Rob will be here in June. He accepted that. My Ma was laughing her ass off! Silly baby.

I've been working out as you've read. I tried standing back bends tonight. I got into it twice and only hit my head on the floor once! I'm soooo sore!

[Belle]

Generally I love my vivid dreams. However, recently they've been good and vivid. So good that when I wake, it's as if I have to tear myself from my dreams. I don't want to wake up. I haven't had that feeling of not wanting to wake up since last year when I was too depressed to get out of bed and yet I'm not depressed right now. Quite the opposite. I'm excited.

And now I get to quote a song from Les Miserables. It describes how I'm feeling to an extent.

"And now I'm all alone again no where to go no one to turn to. Without a place, without a home, without a friend to say hello to. But now the night near, and I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping. I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping. The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head.

On my own, pretending he's beside me. All alone, I walk with him til morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.

When it rains, the pavement shines like silver. All the lights are misty in the river. In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight and all I see is him and me forever and forever.

And I know, it's only in my mind. That I'm talking to myself and not to him. And although I know that he is blind, still I say there's a way for us. I love him, but when the night is over. He is gone, the river's just a river. Without me he's world will go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known.


Oh well, I'll live. Only 27 more days.

[Belle]

LOOK! MORE SONG LYRICS! This one is from the Wedding Singer and is by Adam Sandler...

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad. Carry you around when your arthritis is bad. All I wanna do is grow old with you. I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches. Build you a fire if the furnace breaks. Oh, it could so nice growin old with you. I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. Need you, feed you, even let you hold the remote control. So, let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink. Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. Oh I could be the man who grow old with you. I wanna grow old with you!

Made me think of Rob.

[Belle]

In response to FD's reflection thread...

I've had my share of mean guys. I'm over that in case you haven't noticed. I don't complain that my boyfriend is an ass. Quite the opposite really. I'm with him because he's not an ass. He treats me right and loves me to no end. I am very grateful to have such a man. I'm sure we'll have or hard times when we aren't too keen on eachother, but like pain, it'll pass.

Why are men always after the girls who are afraid? I mean so what if the person you love doesn't live down the block, or even in the same town? Suck it up. These days we have a thing called the internet, with webcams, and microphones and a telephone, and airplanes for traveling. If you really love the person, or think you might love them, give it a chance. You never know where you'll find love.

[Belle]

Yeah, I'm bored. I hate kids. I don't want to clean...not really much into talking today...

[Belle]

Back from the docs. Big suprise (note the sarcasm). I have ulcers on my kidneys. Woohoo! Here we go again...(isn't thrilled) I'm just glad that they didn't give me a certain amount of time to live like last time (rolls eyes). So now I get to take a pill everyday so it won't get worse. OH JOY REN!

SO yeah, I get to clean my butt off today. More joy to spread...anyone care to help? LMAO!

[Belle]

Another bad pmsing day at the cave. The morning was tough. I've been taking pills for my ulcers that make me sleep. So, I take them at night. I wake up in the morning to being overly groggy. It takes me about 2 hours to even get out of bed and not just cause I'm lazy. Even when I get out of bed, I still don't have very much control over my body. I'm kinda like the walking dead at that point. I've broken three dishes in the last week because my brain just stops send the signal to my hand to hold the dish...stupid pills.

The kids were being really energetic today and I just couldn't keep up in the morning. So, I did something really dumb. I tried mixing Peppermint Snapps with Iced tea to see if that would help me wake up. It just made it worse. Drunk and groggy, I went about my day.

Luckily, by little bro came by. I don't think I've ever been quite so happy to see him!

Then the afternoon hit. I got my gas bill. Almost 400 dollars!!!! I haven't even had my heater on in like 2 months!!! And it was a disconnect because they told me not to pay the month before because they were investigating a possible leak. I've been trying to get someone to come out and look at it for three months now...being that it's dangerous, you'd think they'd get someone to look at it rather quickly. But this is Barstow. Quick to Barstow is inside of a year...

So I asked my Ma for the amount I needed in order for it not to get disconnected. I would have been paying her back on the first of the month when my financial aid gets in. However, my step dad said no because obviously if I had spent my money on a plane ticket to Australia, I could afford a gas bill! Fucking idiot prick! I couldn't have seen a 300 dollar gas bill for one month!!! For cry out fucking loud!!! Anywho, then my Ma tells me that she can't get my jeans and new bra for my trip because she thinks I ought to pay my gas bill first. It's not like these things are really optional...I mean I kinda need a bra and didn't buy because she said she'd buy it for me!

Finally, my dad calls. I thought my day couldn't have gotten any worse. I was wrong. Apparently my parents think I have no direction in life (although I'm in school full time and maintaining straight A's). My dad basically called me a loser saying that I couldn't drive and I have no car...well in order to learn how to drive one must have the opportunity to learn. I haven't had that opportunity. Then apparently now I'm supposedly starving my children (who eat like pigs) so that I can afford my trip. NEWS FLASH PEOPLE! I'M NOT PAYING FOR ANYTHING ELSE FOR MY TRIP!!!! My kids are very well fed, clothed, bathed and taken care of. So what if the last time Ma was here the kids had been playing in mud. They're kids. They do that! It washes off! So now they want to talk to me when I get back about where I'm going with my life.

Where I'm going with my life...lets see....I'm currently working towards my certificate in Early Childhood Development that I should have by December of this year. After that I plan on working full time and attending school part time to continue on for a regular teaching degree. I plan on being with Rob, whether it be here or in Australia and someday, light willing, marrying that wonderful man! All the while watches my uber annoying and yet lovable kids grow up in a loving environment. Loser indeed!

[Belle]

EXCITEMENT ALERT! I leave for the airport today at 3pm and my flight leaves at 830 pm. I'm so excited!!! In a little over 24 hours, I'll be meeting the love of my life and my inspiration. I'm excited about that, and very nervous about flying. My nervousness is getting the better of my physically anyways. I threw up last night and had a stomach ache all night. I would have slept just fine if not for my kids as per usual. Today, I'm tired and ready to go. Just waiting on my laundry from my Ma and my dad to get here so we can run our errands and hit the road!

I have a 17 hour flight. I'm taking a sleeping pill with me so I'll be able to sleep and when I wake up, I'll have books to read. So a long flight, hopefully made to seem shorter with sleep.

[Belle]

I've had a wonderful week with Rob. It was very carefree and we just enjoyed eachother's company. I can honestly say this has been the best two weeks of my life so far. However, I leave in less than 9 hours and have already cried and I'm sure I'll cry again. Although, unlike the last long distance thing I tried, I know I'll be seeing him again in a couple of months and then hopefully permanently.

I'm so used to him just being with me now. It's like I'm moving across the world from not only the man I'm head over heels in love with, but also my best friend. Being with him is awesome. We can laugh and be silly and not worry about making complete fools of ourselves. I couldn't ask for anyone better. Even if I weren't going to see him in June, I know that I'd wait forever and go to the ends of the earth for him...

Rob, I love you.

[Belle]

This is my first post since leaving Rob at the airport. It was sad. He looked so sad. I looked back at him as I was walking away and it broke my heart. I watched him for as I long as I could before my plane boarded. I hope I never have to go through that again.

I read FD's thread about how hard it was sleeping by himself again and dude, I completely know what you're talking about. I've been sleeping on the couch for the last few nights because the bed is just too big not to have someone in it with me.

I came home to not being able to pay my bills because my Ma didn't think checking my mail for important notices like I asked her to, was important. My gas was shut off because of something my ex did last year, just now transferring over...so now I'm moving to Long Beach, back in with my dad. Where as I'm glad to be getting out of Barstow, especially after last night, it's still stressful.

Last night I got hurt pretty badly. I'm still bleeding badly and will be for a couple of weeks the docs say. I have scrapes and twice as many bruises as I have scrapes. Miraculously, nothing was broken. I'm just really sore. The worst thing is that I lost something that I had just found out I had. I have to tell Rob and I don't really fear his reaction, but I'm not looking forward to it. I talked to Magy about it and he said that if he were Rob, he'd be on the next plane to get to me. I hope Rob doesn't do that. I mean, it's just illogical. I want to see Rob again, of course, but I want him to come at the planned time, not drop everything and think he has to rescue me...

I move Saturday and haven't even started packing my house yet. Luckily my little bro is coming to help me pack tonight, so we'll get a lot more done...

[Belle]

My quiz (http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050416134143-586005)

Yeah this was fun to make...especially half asleep.

[Belle]

The lights are out and the room is dark. I think to myself, "is this what life is supposed to be like? Fumbling around in the drakness?" I feel like I'm merely going through the motions of life, waiting for my light to reutrn to me so I can start living once more.

Things around me change when he's not around. The world is dull and in monotone. Music doesn't hold the same joy and passion as it once did for me. There are two things that i can relate this feelign to. One is a deep longing for home. In a way, it's like being home-sick. Anywhere he is, is my home. I belong by his side. The other thing is addiction. It's like a drug; and I'm hooked. I crave the sweet feeling of his touch the way I'd imagine a smoker craves their morning cigarette.

When it's time to part, I know it was great and that I'll see him again, but it's only a small comfort. Somethign to hold me over until the next deep craving.

Hours go by. They feel meaningless. I wish them all to pass so very quickly now, when once I held on to every moment. I smile. I laugh. But these things are so temporary anymore that most of the time I think, "why bother?"

I know he thinks of me and probably as much as I think of him. So I suppose that'll carry me over to my next fruitless craving.

[Belle]

I called Rob last night! It was so good to hear his voice. Although it may be "just a voice", it's HIS voice and that's why it's important to me. It's rather comforting to hear it and it makes me melt. (sighs)

I have decided that in order to distract myself, I'm going to do my school work uber fast. Now I just need to get my Child 10 book and all will be well in the world.

[Belle]

Rob said he'd be on early...so I take a cab to get home at a decent hour...cost me 30 bucks and then he doesn't even show at all...not late, just no show...(is mad)

I'd say more, but I'm too mad to really think straight...woe is me.

[Belle]

Outcast Hero soooo just made my day! Here I was thinking that I'd be all alone on my bday! Then I get this uber PM saying that he's going to try to come visit me for my bday! That is soooo cool beans! Even if he can't make it, at least I know he tried! Now if I could just get Kalle, Magy, GWINNA, TC, Sathos, Blade and a few others together, that would sooooo cool and stuff!

[Belle]

Ok, I told some people I'd post a pic of the ring Rob is getting me. So here it is.

And if the pic doesn't load, here's the link to it.

Kiri's Ring (http://www.allenjewellers.com.au/prod50.htm)

[Belle]

Today was a great victory for all the ANTI VACTN members.

THe original plan:

At first we knew we had to poison the food and drink. What was supposed to happen was that someone who had drinken, who knew what was going on, was supposed to mention the cups lined with forkroot so that no one opposing us would be channeling who drank any drink. THe curry was poisoned by Mazzy to cause sever stomach cramps and dyssentary.

The people involved and their jobs:

Mazzy - To fool SOts and defend him until he can stab him in the back.
Alex and DM - Were to god mod and cause major havoc, destroying anythign in sight and being a distraction. Take care of all left standing.
Sathos - Eat and drink, then yell about being poisoned. Mentioning the fork root. Rouse everyone in the tower and evac them, or knock them out and carry them to the ninos cages outside.
Magy and blade - were to serve the poisoned food and carry the unconscious people to the cages through gateways. Take out any who still stand.
Kali - serve until the time comes....make a gateway
Kiri - Heal anyone who needs it, create a gateway, control the balefire link.
Kalle and LiD - Were to free the ninos while the people were ditracted and take them to the Aiel thread where tents awaited them.
DOOO - Warn Sots and help in any way. Use foresight.

At Sathos' falling, Kiri would scream, giving the signal to start the attack. The wombats were thought of last minute and needed to be eliminated. Bucky wasn't expected at all. After the attack we were to meet in front, flood the fortress and then balefire it.

I didn't understand what happened with Sots and the armor thing. He called everyone to the war room, which was unexpected, but never put armor on. When he got stabbed in the back, that sould have been it. I also didn't think it was very honorable for Bucky to see what was going on and post what he was doing before according to what he read. His character would not have known half as much as he did...warder or no...

The thing that last paragraph was trying to get across is that in Casual RP, we complain about people "god modding". Apparently it's not ok for newer people, but if oldies like we see in VACTN do it...it's alright...(gives a look)

We won though, and VACTN is no more. Now we're just waiting on Logain to close the thread completely as agreed upon with Mazzy.

[Belle]

I hate immature little boys who make fun of others' happiness. I hate pain. I hate doctors. I hate being me.

End Rant.

[Belle]

This is the dress I've chosen. Please ignore the ugly ass model...I want the main dress a cream or ivory color and the other color a dark red.

OH! And BTW...I've have nicer cleavage! :blush:

[Belle]

Here's what I want in my hair in lieu of a veil...yeah, I'm bored today.

[Belle]

Thank you Kalle for helping me find a good site. I chose these shoes with Kalle's much needed help! They'll be in ivory or white depending on what color I decide the main part of the dress will be. I'm thinking ivory.

[Belle]

For years, UBER has been my word. I've used it a lot. It was great. It was Kiri lingo. But then, everyone adopted it...and that was even more cool! Now however, it's gone national. Regis used it on his show three times this last week...which was nice at first. Now there's a nOOb with the name Ubercedric....UBER! I soooo have to find a new word...

[Belle]

Been a while since I posted here. Well, last night, I found out that I can't apply for Rob's k-1 visa because I don't have my divorce papers.
My divorce was finalized on the 16th on March, this year. However, the court won't give out any papers until the actual entire thing with custody and paternity is sorted out with my ex. IT'S BS! So now he's going to see if he can get it waived for this time and then after my court date on June 20th, apply for the k-1 until we get married. Just more reasons for me to hate my ex. This should have been completely over with in december, but NOOOOOO my ex has to draw things out. You know, I thought that leaving him would mean he wouldn't be able to torture me anymore. I guess I was wrong.

On another note, my court thing went well, I got fined a small fine and put on probation for a little while (probation terms: can't break the law). So nothing too horrible.

I found this really great site for sexual advice and just to talk about sex in general. I'd love to post, but I'm in moderation queu...GRRRR! I should be writing my essay during nap time, but I can't get my mind off of sex. Sounds stupid, but it's true. All I want to do is talk about sex or have sex with Rob, not write a literary analysis, even if it is on my favorite author. It's rather frustrating. I DON'T CARE WHO PERIAM IS...I JUST WANNA GET LAID! (dies)

Last night I had a little bout with my anemia. Had to go to the ER. I swear these people should know me by name as much as I've been in the ER. I now have to wear patches, one on each wrist to distribute iron into my system...oh well, it's only for a week.

My kids have really been getting on my nerves the last couple days. It's been raining and I can't let them go outside. So they terrorize everything and everyone. If the US is in war against terrorism, please, someone, come help me fight off these monsters...LOL!

[Belle]

Depression strikes again. Yay.

Apparently according to my dad, I'm sooooo fat, and Rob will leave me because I'm just too damned fat. I'm lazy (God knows, the house cleans itself and someone else OBVIOUSLY does my school work and maintains straight A's).

My dad bugs and bugs me for weeks to go make some friends that aren't online friends. So yesterday, I finally meet some and they want me to go out with them without the kids. (We went out to lunch and the park with the kids during the day.) So I call my dad, and I'm all excited and ask him to watch the kids after they go to sleep. He informs me that I need female friends and that he will NOT watch the kids so I can hang out with guys. GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

I now remember one of the many reasons I tried to commit suicide the last time I lived here.

My dad told me that he was celebrating Mother's day by going surfing. I thought he was kidding and that we'd just go out to breakfast or something. No. He was serious. What a great way to show me a good mother's day. FUCK HIM!

I'm so depressed I can hardly stand myself. I'm seriously considering some anti depressants, a good vibrator and a month in my room.

[Belle]

I'm going to post this here because it's not meant for young eyes. It's my first attempt at writing this sort of thing. So don't be too harsh. It's only partly there, I'm going to add some each day until it's done.

Kiri's Naughty Story (http://www.allsexadvice.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=4803#post4803)

[Belle]

Normally I'd just talk to my best friend and fiance. However, since he's missing in action here the last few days, I guess I'll post here.

I'm am so very concerned that Rob won't get his passport in time and his ticket. And with only 3 and a half weeks left before June 10th when he's supposed to be here, time is running short. I know he's doing his best and is probably busy with uni, but an email would be nice every now and then...I really miss him and I've been looking forward to June 10th since I left. It would really suck if he didn't get it done on time. With no way to really communicate with him, besides calling, which costs an arm and a leg, this is sucking even worse. I'm going insane and I'm stressing. The stress has caused me to wake up with kidney pains from my ulcers acting up...went to the doc and they're definetly not as serious as they were, but they ARE back...every time it seems I've gotten rid of them, they come right on back. This is getting really old, really quick.

[Belle]

I went out last night. It wasn't bad, wasn't great. So I get home at about 9 pm and my dad is freaking out! He gave me the ol' who were you with!? And the normal interrogation. Then he had the odasity to ask me why I didn't ask HIM if I could go out! I was like "I'm 20 years old and don't need to ASK!" Then he asked why I didn't leave a note...boy his tune changed fast...then he goes on about how if Rob knew I was going out, he wouldn't be happy...and I was all "Rob knows I'm going out. He knew I went to Dan and Sam's last weekend, I don't keep things from him." Then he was telling me that I shouldn't get my hopes up about Rob because he's too young and will just leave me once he sees who I really am anyhow...I stopped listening at that point.

He tried to start again this morning, but I cut him off and said "I've stopped listening..."

[Belle]

I finished the story I posted the link to earlier in the week. ENJOY!

More Naughtiness! (http://www.allsexadvice.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=5046#post5046)

[Belle]

Hmmm...not sure whether I'm happy about my period starting 5 days early, or not. I mean, yeah, it's great! I won't be on it when Rob gets here! But ick! I'm on it! ICK! I'm so grouchy and crampy I wanna just scream!!!!

School starts tomorrow...yay me...have to find a ride to a place across town on wednesday...not too thrilled about that...I can't afford 60 bucks for a cab and I don't want to spend 4 hours on a bus and I have to be there at 9 am...forget that! So I guess I'll call and ask Lisa to take me...

[Belle]

Rob and I got into our first real argument last night. It was horrible and yet, we got somewhere. He broke through to me. He's the first person to literally match me in stubborness and I respect him even more so than before.

**********************************************************

I'm sitting here today, trying hard to concentrate on the good things when the phone rings. It's the guy I blocked online because he started acting really weird. He wanted me to date him. Was begging me...I've never had a guy beg me for a chance at a date. I told him he's probably a great guy and I'd love to if I weren't engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. Then he started bad mouthing my fiance! WTF!!! I called the operated and had his number completely blocked. What an idiot.

My passion is returning. I can hear it when I sing. I just hope it stays this time. Passion is a wonderful feeling. It's not sexual all the time, but rather a passion for things I'm doing. A passion to go on living and enjoy it. For what it's worth, thank you Rob.

[Belle]

I decided to look up some things about one of the greatest military victories in the history of mankind and analyze it. It took a lot of work and actually playing dolls to figure out who was doing what and where. This battle in the one between four kings and five kings and how Abram (sp) saved his relative Lot by going through the most powerful kings in the land.

As we all know, the bible, especially the old testament, uses lots and LOTS of names. In reading this particular chapter, it's noticed that the names and the places in which the names rule is mentioned not once, but twice; meaning that there is some signifigance to them. Now, when reading it, I actually had to break out my kids dolls and act the damn thing out. By the time I got who declared war on whom and who kidnapped who, I was utterly confused. So, using cars for the bad guys, little people dolls for the five kings, and my little ponies for Melchazedki (sp, hey, you try remember this crap over night!), Lot, and Abram, and marbles for Abram's trained house of 318 men, born in his house (meaning born in the holy spirit), I reinacted this battle.

According to the story, there were four kings that ruled over all the land, and five nobles under them. For twelve years they reigned until the 13th year when the five nobles decided they had put up with they kings' evils for far too long and went off and made their own covenant community, where Lot comes in. He was a righteous man and a judge who influenced the five very much. However, the people of the faith were not looking to eliminate the source of the evil (the kings), but rather just tried to bandage and sooth the effects of their actions (the actions unfluenced by them, done by the people). In doing this, they became "luke warm".

Meanwhile, the four kings go on a warring rampage and defeat several other lands. Abram is still off in Mamre (I think that's right) with his trained house and the King of righteousness, Melchazedeki.

Finally the four kings come back and declare war on the five kings. The five kings meet them on the battle field and flee after a while, some falling into tar pits. The survivors took Lot and headed for the hills. A refugee ran to Abram (mind you, this is hundreds of miles, so this took some time) and told him what had happened and that Lot was there. Abram gathered his 318 men and went and saved lot, dividing his forces in the night. Now, how it's written, it would lead you to believe that he just went around the forces of the four kings. However, it states than "having defeated Chedorlaomer and the kings who were with him..." meaning that he took 318 men and completely slaughtered the forces of all four kings.

Upon returning with Lot, Abram was met by Melchazedeki and given communion (bread and wine). Even he Abram, the man of God was under another man's authority, Melchazedeki. So basically this says that Abram defeated the four kings using Mechazedekian power, or the power of righteousness...Interesting way to win a battle...

[Belle]

Another thing I found interesting were the names of the 4 kings mentioned in my last post. All of the names, being spoken of twice in the bible, I looked up the translations of the names.

They were basically the four main evils that go unseen.

Amraphel would be the sayer of darkness or the demonic king of philosophy. (ie the false teachings in education)

Arioch would be "lion-like" or the demonic king of Power
(ie militia)

Chedolaomer would be "handful of sheaves" or the Demon King of Materialism
(ie money and all worldly possessions)

Tidal would be "great son"
(ie nationalism) *I would say this goes along with extreme patriotism like the suicide bombers and being prideful*

As confusing as this chapter is with the long lists of names and places no one has really ever heard of, the point behind this story is about being a trained house. Or being willing to go after the root of the evil, not just bandaging the effects and that great things can happen when you know Melchdzedekian power. (The power of righteousness)

[Belle]

Well, Rob's flight doesn't come in until the 13th, so I guess I've got longer to wait. Oh well, at least it's a for sure date now!

Let's see what else I have to do before he gets here...gets waxed, dye my hair, clean out my closet, clean the carpets, do some work in the kids' room (although that can wait), Set up the sitter for the 13th, 14th, and 20th...and I think that's about it.

My dad suggested that the kids would act better if I took them to the park today...so I did and my son is still acting like the reincarnation of Chucky! He beats everything up and I had to bring them home early from the park because he pelted me with sand across the face. I'm about the get my belt and settle things to old fashioned way...I've been waking at 4 am because of these kids for three days in a row now. I can't just leave them in their room because my "has to peeeeeeeeeeee! WAH!" I'd rather just get up than deal with the mess...I don't understand. He doesn't nap, only gets about 6 hours of sleep a night and is horrible the rest of the time. I'm thinking about sticking some sleeping pills in his next dinner...bet even that wouldn't work....maybe a velcro wall and some little velcro suits with catheters in them...yeah...I like that idea.

[Belle]

Well as everyone already knows, Rob has been here for almost two weeks. Two weeks of glorious love making and enjoyable time spent with this new family. He does really well with the kids. He came and just kinda, fit in. It was like he had been there the whole time. The kids love him to pieces, especially my daughter.

My dad is still being a prick. Still putting me down. I get so pissed at times that I don't know what to do...He pisses me off so bad! I can't wait to move out of his house! We're looking at South Dakota right now. There are other options, but that seems to be the best one at the current point and time. I thought that my dad had changed and learned his lesson after I was gone. Apparently not. He just keeps getting weirder and weirder. His recent thing is that he's going to try to time my internet use so I'm "not on the computer all day". If this is any clue to you, the reader, I post on wotism everytime I'm on. Notice a lack of me posting recently? Yeah, I thought so. Another of his bright ideas is that he's hooking up security cams all over the house. I think there are two possible reasons why he might be doing this. Reason 1: Paranoia. Reason 2: He wants to try to catch me and Rob in the act to "catch a peek". This man is uber weird and we just need to get out of this house.

I tried full on anal last night with Rob. It was better than I thought. He got me so hot and bothered that I told him I'd let him do anything. Thankfully, he was considerate and warmed me up with fingers first. After a while, it got extremely pleasurable. Then, the after feeling of it all was just as everything I had read described. I felt very much closer to him. I mean, I always viewed as more of an animalistic act, but it truly is a very intimate thing. I think it pleased him too because it was a first for me AND him.

Looking at things and planning our wedding, I had to be a bit more realistic about prices of things. Like my dress. I've changed it to this: http://www.bridalmartsuperstore.com/kathryn.html and the head piece doesn't go anymore, so I'm going with a wreath of red roses. The shoes are remaining the same. (BTW: The dress is displayed in Champagne, I'm getting it in Ivory)

[Belle]

Wow. It's been a while since I've written in here. My self esteem would be better if it were non existant. I can't even look in the mirror without being disgusted by myself. It's pathetic. If I see myself in the mirror during anything sexual, I completely lose the mood. I don't know what to do other than work out and keep eating healthy and in smaller portions.

I can't sexually satisfy the love of my life. I can't even keep him aroused for very long. He desires me it seems until he actually gets right down to it...then, I might as well not even try. It's frustrating. I know he must be frustrated too. I know he's tired. However, falling asleep while engaged in intimate things, NOT a good thing...and using that as an excuse on why he can't stay aroused doesn't make me feel any better. Am I really that boring? I always thought I was rather exciting and all that. Suppose now I see the truth.

So here I am at 1130 at night. My fiance is in our bed, probably mad at me for being on the computer after he tells me "I won't lie. I'd like you to be thinner..." Yeah, that just put another nail in my coffin. Thanks. Then I decide to just go out and sleep on the couch. He follows. I just need time alone. I send him back to bed and now he's in there alone. I don't want to make him feel bad, but I don't know how to lift him up when I'm so down on myself. He's the man I've always wanted and hoped for. But here I am, sitting here in front of this damn computer, disgusted by myself while he's in there probably feeling bad. What kind of woman am I? I should at least learn to hide this crap. It's my fault after all, not his.

[Belle]

Wow! Talk about a change of mood! After posting my last post, I went back to our room and we talked. While it didn't solve all of my self esteem issues (ie it didn't make me instantly thinner or anything like that), it did solve the issue pertaining to him. We started kissing, softly at first, then frantically and passionately. He practically ripped my clothing off and we made love like that for at least an hour. It was insanely good! I know I made enough noise to wake the world, but I couldn't help it! This morning we did it again, and POOF, climax! It was wonderful!

[Belle]

Yeah, I can't marry Rob until the judgement for my divorce is signed! He has to file saying we're married by the 11th of September!!! OMG this is gonna be rushed!

My dad is being his normal ass self, he was supposed to retile the floor in our bathroom while we were gone so the kids wouldn't be in the way, I call last night and tell him that the hearing is on the 8th for child custody (minute order messed up and gave us joint when the mediation clearly stated I have full everything), and he tells me that he hasn't even started the floor and that when we come home, he's going to start in on Saturday and we have to stay out of the house until bed time for the kids until Monday...WHAT A FUCKING PRICK!!! He's had all flippin week to do it and he decides to make it harder on us!!! Somehow, I'm just not suprised...

I went to court on Tuesday with an order to show cause to change the minute order (both parties agree that it is incorrect and what it should be changed to), as well as an ex parte to make it so the hearing is right then, not scheduled for months down the road as I need to get married here soon and move out of state. The judge is not allowed to accept oral statements from the people filing to grant the ex parte. First off, he didn't even know he had an ex parte and was about to leave when he was informed. Then, he doesn't even look at the reason stated in the file for why I needed an ex parte and asks me why I need to move...THEN he doesn't let me finish and after one sentence, denies it...

So I called legal advice. They told me to refile the Order to Show Cause and Ex Parte. So I did and we got a different judge. The judge started off by repremanding me for trying to switch judges until I get one that I agrees with me...I was like "No, the other judge didn't even look at the file! I'm filing a formal complaint through Sacramento!" At this time, my ex spoke up and confirmed that the judge we had the previous time did as I said. This judge left it at that...then said he couldn't change what the judge said (the ex parte was denied and the hearing set for 8/22 when I have to move out the 1st) but he COULD move the date up to 8/8! So I accepted that.

I'm confidant we'll be able to move out of state. I have a signed mediation report through the court saying that my ex and I agree that I have full custody and all that and he's not contesting that. He IS contesting me moving out of state though! What he doesn't know is that I when I have this custody, I can do so without his permission or the courts! SO yeah...

Then I go to college to take my finals today and the whole place is closed...I was told Friday for finals, came all the way up here, and it's CLOSED! Found out that the finals were on the 28th, and the email from the instructor said that finals were on Friday, July 28th. NO SUCH DATE!!!!! So now I'm going to fail all my classes...yay me...

[Belle]

Yeah, it's been a while...

So far I have court this monday (again!) then I get to file my judgement...if I have to wait for the minute report, Rob will more than likely have to go back to Australia and it'll take 4 months to bring him back at least!!! Which means, since I'm moving to Sacramento, I'll be in a brand new place, away from everyone I know and everyone who can help me and completely on my own...quite frankly, it kinda scares me...it was hell waiting three months to be with him, now I might have to wait another four! Oh well...the crazy things we do for love eh?

So yeah, we were going to move to South Dakota, but found I had to go back to court to do it. So I did, and they sent us to mediation. I thought I made my point rather well with the mediator...I got a copy of the mediation form faxed to me and these people are trippin! Apparently I only have two kids and my son is 5 years old and living with my mom who's gonna adopt him...I saw the lady write down that I had three kids in her note pad...she took like 9 pages of notes...for each of us! She obviously didn't bother to look at them!!! The whole report made me out to look like a completely irresponsible parent who's never taken care of her daughter in her entire life! And it made him look like the wonderful upstanding, best parent in the world! Sure he has a job with a towing company and an apartment with a roomate. However, it the first job he's had since being fired in 03! I was supporting the family when I left because he REFUSED to work!!!! I have had custody of my daughter for the last year in which he's visited her THREE times! I may not always have had a job, but I HAVE been going to school and getting paid to go!!!

So yes, I'm rather disillusioned about the court system here. To top it off, my ex finally calls about visitation and for some reason he thinks that he was going to keep my daughter until I was "settled" in Sacramento, meaning for months!!! I don't know what crack he was on, but please, don't share. So then, we get into this argument and he doesn't want me to move to Sacramento either!!! Says there's just too many question as to how I'm going to support myself and he doesn't believe that the house we're getting isn't in the ghetto. Who cares where it is? He lives in one of the worst parts of Barstow and he's trying to tell me I can't? I'm not anyhow! Our house just got out of construction two weeks ago! It's brand new! Oh well. We finally came to the agreement that we'd sign our prior agreement and I'd show him the document saying I've paid 6 months rent in advance and he gets to come look at the house when he comes to drop her off. Talk about controlling!

So yeah, my life is just sucking right now...

[Belle]

Once again it has been uberly long since I've posted in this thread. What can I say? My fiance is wonderful and I can usually just talk to him...(I know! I know! *pets thread* I've been neglecting you...)

Oh, where was I? Ah yes.

I work at Togo's and Baskin Robins...it sucks. I can't wait to get my daycare license so I can just watch kids all day! It's like 600-800 a month per kid! (Imagines rolling in the dough) We're looking into it, however we have to get the divorce finalized and the paperwork going for Rob's immigration paperwork once we're married (it's taking for freaking ever!) before I can get a license because everyone in the house over the age of 18 has to get fingerprinted because they're working with kids.

Other than that, our couches haven't been delivered yet and I'm beginning to wonder if the has actually even ordered them...it's been over a month and we're still waiting AND sitting on the floor. Our new fancy pants computer came in today. It's puuuurty! It glows blue! (Drools) Things are SLOWLY coming together here...so slowly I'm about ready to scream and run about like a chickenless head...

[Belle]

I just like this pic

[Belle]

So a couple of months have passed. Since then, Rob and I have gotten married, christmas and thanksgiving have gone by and you'd think the stress would be getting less right? Oh hell no.

Relationship status: Happy and VERY active if you get my drift!

Family Status: Love my kids, but can't they go to school yet?

Friend status: Here's where it gets complicated. Back in early november, one of our neighbors said they were moving and gave us a bunch of stuff they had to leave behind. "Cool!" I thought. The next day, they were back and wanted some of the stuff back and I was still cool with it. Saw it as an opportunity to make friends. So since her hubby left her, Liz was going to stay in Williams and we were going to go into the daycare business together. However, she flaked out...after seeing how she is with her own kids, I whole heartedly understand. Things just took a nasty spiral downwards from there. The more we hung out with her the more she got into her phone and internet and started inviting us over simply to have someone to watch her kids while she took 3 hour long showers and talked to her many boyfriends. Her house was in a constant state of disgustingness (I mean, mine's messy, but this was ridiculous) And her kids and horrid little beasts. She promised me driving lessons if I watched her kids so she could go out with her "friends". I watched her kids for over 1k worth of sitting by any sitters' rates and only had a 5 minutes driving lesson.

[Belle]

So anyhow, I thought maybe being near someone who had gone through something similar (me), she would calm down. Oh hell no. We asked her over for new years and guess what she did? We made a HUGE nice dinner for us, her and her three kids. She doesn't show up until 10 pm because she "met this guy at walmart and went back to his house for some drinks". The kids were asleep by the time she got home except for her oldest who is 8. She brought him over and ditched him with us until 2am...then when I called her and told her we were going to bed, she told me to let him walk home!!! AT 2 AM!!!! I was like WTF!!! So I watched him cross the street and waited until he was in the house to go back in. Then we wanted to take her out for dinner last night. She said 7:30...so we got ready adn went at 730...as per usual, because she had to do her makeup EVERYONE waited on her until almost 9 pm. Her kids were screaming cause they were hungry and she was too busy putting on her makeup and talking to her boyfriends to care. Then at almost 10pm at the restraunt, she asks me to watch her kids for the night. I said no! Then instead of visiting with us at our house, she ditched her mentally retarded kid with us for an hour while she did her usual phone stuff...(the kid is smart and tries to get special treatment, making his mom think he's too retarded to understand things, which doesn't fly with me.)Anyways, now she's moving today and I'm not sure whether I'm relieved to see her go or not. She's a pain in the ass, but also the only way we can get to even a walmart since everything is so far from here! She was supposed to take me for one last visit to walmart and sams club since we're moving too in about a month. Guess what, she flaked out again. Said she had to pack. She can go out and screw random guys, but when it comes to the people who care about her, they might as well not exist. I have a good mind to tell her exactly what I see in her before she goes.

Anywho, on to the moving subject. We're moving to SD! We're looking at a pricier place at 600 a month (as opposed to the 1280 we're paying here). Most places there are about 450...apparently this place has a grand stair case and the whole nine yards. And the jobs there that I qualify for start at around 12 an hour!!! That is sooo uber! Moving costs are the killer so far...truck is cost upwards of 1700 and our bus tickets there about 200 and the kids' tickets there about 300. So yeah, ouch. Thank god for tax returns coming in the next couple months!

[Belle]

"Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be. How do we keep all our passions alive, like we used to do! Deep in my heart I am learning, things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess how I'm feeling, frightened you'd slip away. You must love me." Madonna in Evita.


Life isn't going as planned. I have a good job and I'm working my ass off, finally making ends meet. We have a car now and I'm getting my license soon, I'm finally comfortable enough behind the wheel to go get one. My marriage isn't in the best condition...and I'm lost as to what to do about it. I hurt. Both from mistakes I've made in the past, mistakes all humans make, and mistakes I will make. I've been crying for over three hours now. My kidneys are hurting again because of the added stress and I have work in the morning.

I'm thinking about you. I'm thinking about me. I'm thinking about us. Every song I hear makes me cry. Even the freaking hampster dance song!!! What am I going to do? I've messed up. I know I have. But what to do now? The prejudices are gone. I don't care. I love you, but how I can I make you see that again? All I can do is be myself. Fickle, emotional, stressed...I know things I have no right to know and don't know enough about what I should know...what am I to do with myself?

[Belle]

I don't know what I expected. How can I compare? Do I want to be compared? Why do I always feel like an outside looking in through the dirty window. I'm sick of "convincing" people to love me. I've changed. The old me couldn't accept an answer I didn't like, the new me just doesn't have the energy to care. I once told myself that I could marry anyone and fall in love with them. That love was matter of choice in a lot of cases.

I guess I'm afraid to be alone. I don't mean not in a relationship, I mean alone. To live alone, etc. In Barstow at least I had my huge group of friends to keep me company and my little bro to hang out with.

And I know I'm fickle. Flighty. But would do you expect with the life I've had? I haven't had alone time, truly alone time since I was 15 years old. I need a break damn it! Just some "me" time. I think my sanity depends on it.

I work with these girls who come from the same situation I grew up at them and while I'm glad I can help someone, I also resent them. I went through what they've gone through and in most cases, more, so what makes them so much more worthy to get this sort of help. Abbott house spoils them rotten, better than any normal house hold...and these little bitches don't appreciate it at all! They think it's a punishment. So what if you were abused? You don't have to act out like you do!!! You don't see me going around beating the piss out of other girls...sometimes I just want to send these little children to the corner.

[Belle]

Who would have thought that moving to a bigger house and finally getting day shifts would be so stressful? I was happy to get the day shifts, I hated working nights. However, the other day, I was giving a girl a corrective teaching and slapped me across the face. So I put her in a hold taught to us in the Nonviolent Crisis Intervention/Prevention class we're required to take. Well, she was so small that she slipped through my arms and went to her knees, then proceeded to claw up my right ankle and bite my right calf. It took another peer pinning her to the floor to keep her off me (we're not allowed to pin them). So after a 2 hour bike ride with the girls and that, I was not feeling well, and we had to move the next day!!!

Moving went ok. We still have to clean the place up and unpack.

Then last night, I'm at work and a girl comes and asks me what causes cold sores. So I told her it's Herpes Type 3. She refuses to believe me, so we look it up. When she saw I was right, she still insisted that it wasn't. So I tried to reassure her that people may call it other names because it's not like other types of herpes, you can get this kind from kissing or sharing a cup with someone and that's when she got into my face. I stepped back to give her some room like I was taught, we backed around the table a couple of times and I started teaching to one of her skills. (-200 respect) Then she put her hand over my mouth to shut me up. So when she let go, I started a teaching for not accepting consequences and she hit me over the head with a chair!!!! If I wouldn't have moved, it would have been a lot worse. I have a mild concussion and am looking for a new job. It took everything I had not to haul off and beat the living you-know-what out of her. It took three staff and locking her in the calming down room to keep her off me. Little bitch needs to go to prison. If they ask, hell yes I'm pressing charges!

[Belle]

Wow, well since I've last written, I've gotten a new job I thought was going to be so much better and ended up a shit hole. I'm really getting to hate people who reward mediocraty. Seriously, it's not my fault I do your job better than you do even though you've been trained to do it and I haven't. Geez.

Other than that, we're looking to move to AU. First on the list of things to accomplish for the move is to get a court order for my daughter so she can legally leave the country. Either I have to show proof the courts are letting her go, or have the court mandate that my ex sign the passport and visa application so they'll be approved. In order to do this, I have to prove I'm going to be financially stable in Australia. That won't be too hard. My mother in law has offerred to pay for my tuition (which includes books and materials) once we get there. The classes are only 11 hours a week and I might not have to go through all of them since several of them I already have credit for through college here. AND THE COURSE REQUIRES ME TO BE WORKING IN THE SAME FIELD!!! So, the wages there are much better for this field of work than they are here. I just have to contact a job placement service agency and have them send a document stating they would have no problems placing me based on my experience and other qualifications. And a letter saying that I would accepted in the courses my mother in law is willing to pay for. No biggie, those are already in process.

Then I also have to show that my daughter's quality of life would be improved by moving to Australia. Well, that not hard. She'd be medically covered under her visa and it's free and not based on income like over here. Also she does know my husband's family from over there since they've come to visit quite a few times. Then there's the fact that after we've been there a certain amount of time, she'll qualify for government aid to get her through college! Not to mention the fact that it would help her to be more open minded regarding other cultures.

What about my ex's visitation you ask? Well, I've offerred to pay for a two way ticket for him once a year to Australia and back to the states. My mother in law will guaruntee this if need be and in case my income is ever insufficient. He gets to see his kids and a new country in one. Sounds like a good opportunity. However, he's declined this. So we have a wonderful lawyer who is willing to represent us (for a large fee of course). With documentation and my ex's admitted lack of evidence to support his claim of trying to make contact with his children since August of last year, this hopefully will not be a problem.

Lets not forget the lengthy process of passports and visas. The passports for us