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lankymon
30th July 2004, 16:35
Please note that everything that I post here has been copyrighted so no stealing! Thanx. :chaos:

Ks this is the beginning of a fantasy trilogy: let me know what u think.

Prologue

The wind rode the crisp waves of the Lower Basin smoothly and clipped their crests in playful happiness. The water rose and fell with grace and leisure for miles and miles until it reached the Jagged Path whereupon it became wild and ragged. The wind accompanied it in its turmoil and together they raced along the coast, dogging the razor rocks and smashing against the cliff faces that signalled the end of the Open Plains and the start of the Cursed Lands. The wind raced alongside the black cliffs and chased the river along its course right back to its source high in the Summit Peaks that spanned the entire length of Auros. There, the wind forgot the water that was now light and darting as the tributaries trickled down their paths from the underground caves towards the ever growing Mache.

It played with the rocks and jutting peaks, chasing itself around the tops of the highest points; blowing the snow into flurries and sending clouds scattering towards the east. The mountains had always been constant in Auros throughout the millennia of her history. Even during the wars of the dark they had been a comforting shelter to the resistance yet remained as mysterious now as they had done then. New pathways were made and old ones lost as the ever-turning wheel of time progressed forward, not stopping for anything. The wind rounded the peaks and then dived down the northern slope, over the hills and valleys of Cyretia and into the bustling harbour city of Lexus.

Connan laughed loudly as the wind ruffled his blonde hair and made his opponent shiver. He stood six feet tall-broad and well muscled. He held a spear with one hand and stood in the small wooden framed square. All around people were placing bets and shouting as the announcer called, “And now! Lords, ladies and town folk, allow me to introduce Connan! The only undefeated champion of our fair town!” Cheers rose from all sides of the market place as Connan shook his spear determinedly. His opponent shuddered and shrank in fear. “And his opponent in the last round of this month’s fights, from the northern tribes of Haydon, Veron!” Polite applause was offered to the small thin man holding a short sword made of bronze whose small black eyes darted from side to side as if looking for a way out.

The bell rang and Connan advanced. Veron dogged away and headed straight to the nearest corner. Crouching low, he held his sword out in a shaking fist and gritted his teeth. Connan approached slowly, taking his time. This match would be easy. He walked right up to Veron who slowly looked up to meet his gaze. His entire body was shaking in fear as Connan raised his spear. With a swift rap on the knuckles, the sword fell from his grasp and clattered to the ground. The bell rang again and Connan walked away in disgust. “Our victor and once again champion, Connan!” Wild cheers echoed around the square as Veron quietly slipped away, too embarrassed to show his face. Connan roared above the crowd, “That was no fight! I want a proper duel! Is anyone there worthy of challenging me? Speak!” The crowd fell silent and no-one dared to reply.

“I’ll fight you.” A quiet voice came from the far side of the square. A tall man, a metre eighty or so, dressed in a black cloak walked slowly towards the ring. He was young, though only his features betrayed him. His manner was calm and cool and his blue eyes shone from under his strong brow. “He can’t be a day over 14!” whispered a woman in the crowd. “He’ll be killed!” said another. “Don’t be a fool!” shouted a man from the back. The strange boy smiled and said nothing. He got into the ring and took off his cloak and laid it down over edge of the wooden rails. He was thin and had not yet put on the muscle of later years. He looked no more than a child. The referee asked in an undertone, “Are you sure you want to do this boy?” The young face looked him in the eyes and replied so that everyone could hear, “Of course! Providing naturally that Connan here uses a sword. A spear is a child’s weapon!” he scorned. Connan frowned and the crowd gasped. He was renowned for his swordsmanship in the town and had only been using a spear as a request from the northern team.

He spat loudly and threw the spear down. Turning, he drew a long thick blade of iron which shone in the late afternoon sunlight. The hilt was arranged with emerald threads and the sparkle of two rubies could be seen from across the square. “He had that made in the far south. By the great Lord Han himself so I am told,” boasted a merchant to all who would listen. “The blade is folded over on itself time and time again making it tempered in such a way that it becomes impossible to break. I’ve seen it done, but the process takes many weeks.” Connan smiled and waved the sword in front of him. Turning it this way and that he completed the ritual and stood ready in an offensive stance, sword held high.

The boy turned back to his cape and drew his weapon. A medium length sword made of solid elm. Connan laughed loudly, “It is in the rules that you must have a proper weapon when you compete!” But the boy didn’t falter. Taking a blue silk handkerchief from a pocket in his waistcoat, he threw it delicately into the air and let it fall on the blade of wood. It severed at once and each half fluttered to the ground before bursting into flame and vanishing from sight. The crowd gasped and Connan took a step backward nervously. “Do not mock Erudious,” he said calmly and whirled it around his head before resting in a defensive stance, sword held behind, body side on. Connan blinked and regained his composure. He waited until the bell rang and then leapt at his foe.

The boy moved swiftly and smoothly to meet Connan’s strike. Slicing in two sweeps, he took the sword from Connan’s hand and sliced at his head. Blonde locks of hair fell onto the ring. “You aren’t very fast are you?” he jeered. Connan, shocked by the speed of the boy, reached for his head. Feeling his new hair style, he growled and grabbed his sword before leaping at the boy. The battle had begun. Connan twisted this way and that, throwing attack after attack at the boy who countered them all effortlessly moving slowly around and turning his head just enough to miss a sliding downward sweep. Erudious met the sword stroke for stroke and blue sparks flew when the blades met. Connan stepped back and breathed heavily. The boy stood where he was, sword held out completely calm.

“Is that the best you can do?” he asked. Connan growled and threw himself forward. But to no avail. The boy caught the stroke against the wooden sword and for a second or two; the fighters looked at one another in the eyes. The boy’s blue eyes appeared on fire and he smiled before winking one of them. A blinding flash of blue threw Connan back solidly through the wooden rails. He landed heavily on the dusty ground and the crowd fell silent. The boy was walking slowly towards the unmoving form, Erudious held to the side. Connan’s blade lay shattered on the ring floor and he crushed the metal shards underfoot as he advanced.

lankymon
5th August 2004, 15:43
Ok here's part two of the prologue. Enjoy! :chaos:

“Eric! That’s enough.” The boy turned as the crowd parted around the old man who leant on a stick. His grey hair shone in the sunlight and his features were weathered. His green eyes pierced the tense atmosphere and shone from under his heavy brow. “Come. We must leave now.” As he turned, Eric jumped down from the ring, took his cloak and hid the sword away before following the man down a side street and away from the square amidst hushed whispers and gasp from the shocked crowd.

“What do you think you were doing?” the old man snapped as he pulled up a chair to the wooden table. “I told you not to make trouble! And then you go and run off and get yourself into an organised fight!” Eric glared sulkily into his mug and said nothing. “We leave tomorrow. At least try not to do anything else stupid until then!”

“I wasn’t in trouble! He didn’t know one end of the sword from the other! It was easy to beat him,” boasted Eric. “That is beside the point. You brought all kinds of attention down upon yourself and no doubt the authorities will be looking for you soon. It’s a good thing we are not staying!” He got up and prodded the glowing embers in the hearth with a long metal poker. He lifted a log from a pile on the right and laid it on the near-dead flames. A spark flicked from his fingers and the log burst into flame, snapping and crackling in the draught from the chimney. “And you broke his sword. That was expensive. If anything, they will want you to replace it-it is the code of battle after all,” he said turning back to the table.

Eric said nothing. He knew the battle rules. Every victor, were he able to afford it, must pay for damages to the loser’s weapons and armour. If he could not pay, then the local council supplied the money and allowed the victor to work off the cost in manual labour such as cleaning the streets and helping to repair the damaged storehouses and other buildings owned by the council. This way, the cities were kept tidy and relatively crime free. A sharp knock came from the door. “Open up! This is the Night Guard!” more knocks followed. “Damn you for you foolishness boy! Come quickly!” Eric followed him into the centre of the rented room where the old man had already laid a circle of red powder. “Get in the circle, quick!” Sounds of creaking wood and splintering hinges came from the door as it began to buckle. The man grabbed a few books from a table in the corner of the room with one hand and stepped into the circle just as the door gave way in a flurry of splinters.

For a moment, Eric looked directly into the eyes of the first Nightman coming through the door. Then, in a swirl of flame, they were gone. The Nightman blinked in surprise and his colleagues stopped abruptly behind him. The Innkeeper peered from around the door shaking his head at the sight of the twisted oak frame. “Magic,” breathed the first Nightman. “Don’t be stupid! No-one has used magic of that strength for hundreds of years! Everyone who can do anything remotely useful is taken to the High Court immediately,” the hard voice echoed just before the chief of the guard, Gerard Hign, entered the room leading a frail and bruised Connan. “They are not here. Continue the search elsewhere and find them!” The Nightmen hurried outside to look for the missing people but Hign stayed behind. His eyes looked carefully over the room and rested on a small patch of red powder on the table. His eyes narrowed before he strode out to continue the search.

Several hundred miles away, in the basement of a cottage half way up into the Summit Peaks at the edge of Cyretia, Eric stepped out from the blue circle of powder on the floor, which was already fading away. “I told you there would be trouble,” sighed the old man as they walked up a narrow staircase and into a softly lit room furnished sparingly with an oak table, three chairs and a large buro on which lay many volumes and scrolls beside an empty inkwell. Several quill pens lay discarded on the floor beside the hearth which was cold and dead. “Light the fire please Eric, I have to reset the teleport ring.” Eric took a couple a large logs and laid them across the back of the grate. He could relax now. They were miles from the nearest village. Extending his hand, flames engulfed the dry wood and soon grey smoke flew up the chimney into the cold night air.

He picked up the discarded quills and threw the on the flames delighting in their crackle. As he did so, a roll of parchment fell from the desk and came to rest at his feet. He picked it up, curious as to what it contained. As he read, his eyes widened and he gripped the paper tightly; his eyes never leaving the text. A shadow fell across the paper and he turned sharply expecting to see his master but a hooded stranger stood in the moonlit doorway. “Who are you?” Eric managed to ask. “I have come to see Avon. Is he in?” Eric was suspicious immediately. Who was Avon? The only Avon he knew of was the legendary mage who along with his seven companions had sealed the Dark Lord’s stronghold after the Wars of the Dark. “Who are you?” repeated Eric trying in vain to see the eyes of the stranger. The man came into the room and a cold wind appeared, sending papers fluttering from the desk and extinguishing the fire in the grate. “I am here Suffolk. What do you want?” asked the master as he returned from the cellar.

“I have come for some information,” said the man, removing his cloak. Eric sighed with relief. It was the local land owner, Lord Suffolk. It was common for the Lord of the lands to visit and ask for advice on the weather or which days to begin the harvest although Suffolk himself had never come in person before. The master looked at Suffolk and his eyes narrowed, “Eric, go into the basement and bring me the book on Pyromatics. I have important things to discuss with Lord Suffolk.” Eric obeyed and went down into the dusky cellar to search for the volume. Most of the master’s books were kept here but they we never arranged in any order. Scrolls and parchments lay all over the place and Eric knew that it would take him some time to find the required book. Sighing, he began the tedious task of shuffling through the numerous bits of paper to find the volume.

“You should not have come here,” the master spoke quietly yet every word carried poison. Suffolk laughed, “All this time you were under my nose and I didn’t notice. Well you won’t get away from me this time. I may have killed your brother, but now I shall have the pleasure of killing you; the one person who escaped and still plagues the Dark Lord.” The master clenched his fists, “Soltun! I give you one chance to leave with your life.” Soltun laughed loudly and threw his hands forward, releasing a sheet of water. The master slashed it with a wall of fire and prepared for battle. “You should not have continued with your magic, my old friend. It is your downfall.” Eric jumped sending scores of papers flying as something above crashed shaking the walls of the small cottage. He dropped the large volume in his hands in surprise and raced up the stairs. He stared in amazement as “Don’t play out of your league boy!” shouted Soltun as Eric was flung solidly against the wall by a bolt of lightning. He slumped to the floor, unmoving.

:chaos: Please reply and give me your thoughts!

A N T I
6th August 2004, 19:07
First of all, I think it's very well written. It was 'solidly' written as the same time as being very comprehensible, and I like your writing style. I like the start, even thoygh it reminds very much of the wheel of time, though

But sadly,, I think the prologue losted my interesed after a certian amount of time. Try to keep it shorter and more captivating; the prologue is the key of sucses, as it makes the reader interested. Later on in the book, you can write more 'slowly', but doing it in the start is not good I think. Try to filter out the unescesary parts. http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/farp/writing.html try this site, alot of great tutorials.

But all in all, it's my humble opinion.

Shadow Dweller
10th August 2004, 12:21
I've got to agree with A N T I. You can definatly see this has quite a few similarities to WoT, but still good none the less. However I don't realy agree with ANTI about the begenning being to slow, maybe a little, but not bad.

lan sam
16th August 2004, 18:49
what?? that beginning was fast paced like shit! I only wish it didn't change so drastically. In other words, make it slower. :D

lankymon
5th September 2004, 16:00
Cheers for the feedback. I would have uploaded more but uber-retard PC wont let me atm. However, there will be the final part of the Prologue in a few days or so. It is meant to be long as there is a lot of info to cram in but at the same time it has to be separate. This should become clear as the real story progresses. I forgot to mention that this is only a draft version. It will need much checking and editing so your input is very much appreciated.

lankymon
28th September 2004, 16:27
How in the world do I stop this from saying :"there is a URL in ur post. U cannot post it hile the URL remains" etc???? THERE IS NO URL IN MY TEXT/POST!!! GR!

A N T I
28th September 2004, 17:15
maybe you did. obviously, there's gotta be something wrong... I suggest you keep trying... it has to work.

lankymon
29th September 2004, 15:36
Sorry it took so long to paste up but the net was being extremely annoying. I shall thus try and paste each subsequent paragraph up one at a time. Sorry for the inconvenience but their really are no URLs in my prologue! Chapter One shall follow soon! Keep the reading and comments flowing. All are appreciated!

The battle was truly underway. The table and chairs were overturned and smashed to pieces in the maelstrom of fire and lightning that wrecked the cottage. The table was cleaved in two and the books burned easily in the magic fire. The master was strong, but not strong enough. Time had taken a heavy toll on him and his bones creaked as he crashed to the floor. Blood seeped from a wound in his head and his hands were charred. He could do no more. Soltun moved slowly towards him shaking his head, “You were powerful once, Avon. But no more. You have become weak and fragile. I on the other hand cannot die. He just reincarnates me each time. To kill me, you have to kill Him!” he laughed. “I hope He has prepared a suitable torture for you. After all, you will be down there for eternity!” he laughed again. Avon grimaced, “I am not finished yet. I never wanted to see this again, but if I must use it, then I will!”

lankymon
29th September 2004, 15:37
He held out a fist and Soltun started, “You wouldn’t dare! No-one could ever control Darkfire!” Avon smile weakly, “You forget, Soltun; no-one except me.” Eric moved his aching joints and tried to stand. What had happened? Darkfire? The power that wove itself, that could not be controlled, that would never stop until it killed the one who made it. It couldn’t be. He opened his eyes and watched in amazement. “Goodbye, Soltun,” Avon said calmly as he opened his hand. The black flames edged with purple flowed effortlessly over his palm and circled towards Soltun. He drew back quickly, but the flames caught him. Screaming with pain and anger, in a few seconds, he was gone. But the flames remained. They floated around the room and came to rest in a small circle above Avon’s head.

lankymon
29th September 2004, 15:49
OK i can't post any more cos of the URL error message. Ill keep trying but atm no luck.

hrothgar
29th September 2004, 16:53
Lanky: I've had the same issue arise from time to time. In my case, it was because the program mistook my use of pointy brackets "<" for a URL. I suggest you scan the text you are trying to load, and see if there is anything remotely plausibly akin to a URL or URL-related symbols.

lankymon
6th October 2004, 16:12
Even with no punctuation in the next selection, I am still unable to post it. I have run out of ideas. Help! :( :cry:

Darkgod
12th October 2004, 09:25
Great story truly i printed of the page and was reading it on the bus. It would be a better story if you didnt refere to the wheel of time and you made a new baddy instead of the darkone maybe a demigod called TARINGA who Was abandoned by his father the great god LOMI and he wants revenge so he wants a magic item created by the titans before they were wiped out by the gods. In fact this is good I might just use this idea but whatever carry on with your story I like it.

lankymon
12th October 2004, 15:37
Thanx for the input. None of the names of my characters are set as of yet and I know that many will change already. I would upload more but I still cannot due to the URL problem. Is it possible for the admin ppl to make it possible for my account to use URLs? Then I would not have this problem.

Darkgod
13th October 2004, 07:00
Hey lanky go to this site its for writers i have my story there check it Talevon(revenge of taringa) http://drazan.us/forum/ and please carry on with the story its really good. By the way how old are you.

Darkgod
13th October 2004, 07:18
Coll story check mine out Talevon( Revenge of Taringa ) I hope you complete your story soon becasue it good and by the way how old are you.

lankymon
14th October 2004, 15:44
Cheers. 17yrs and counting. But alas I cannot post any more until this URL problem goes away. I'll keep trying though.

A N T I
14th October 2004, 16:47
think he got the message loud and clear darkgod;)

Darkgod
15th October 2004, 08:03
think he got the message loud and clear darkgod


I can guess what your referring to anti not everyone has a perverted mind like you the reason I asked him how old he is because his ideas are really good so I wanted to know the name of such a good writer. And hope to read more soon lanky its obviously a talent you have.

lankymon
15th October 2004, 15:35
Thanx! :D:D :D :D

A N T I
25th October 2004, 11:32
i didn't imply, that darkgod. so you're the perverted one!!! mwuah ha haa!

oh, and btw, do you fear punctation in some way?