Reflection/Ranting

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Whenever i'm depressed, 'll usually analyze everything around me. and this thread, i'll dedicate to this...
Edit: so This will be my place where i "speak" my inner thouhts. else, i'l explode if i lock them inside

this day, i realised that i have always considered others opinion of me more important than my own. this revelation haunts me, cause i have always prided me of being above such petty thought. this was just another lie.

Now, i have to rebuild myself as a person, to exuiguish those lying flames. i wonder. what can i do to do so. a quick alternation of me as a person, or to slowly rearrange the very foundation of myself. but the thing i don't understand, is how i could decieve myself like that. how could i pretend to myself to be something other than i was? how could i, to bluntly say it; lie to myself???

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Today, i was reading the ever so stoic and self anylizing drow elf, Drizzt Do'Urden. i realised, at the same time he discovered it, that to break a lie within oneself, you had to realise what the lie was. i have done so, and is a good way towards self contemplation.

A friend of mine, who has lived in new Zealand for over a year now, is coming back this Tuesday. i'm looking forward to seeing her again, for it has been a long time since we spoke together.

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Today, when i was sleeping, i woke up in a fit. had a nightmare, and woke up thinking it was scrpions in my room. this is really weird, since i'm living in norway, and it is to cold for scorpions to live here. but there i was, sweating and muttering "doc, i need a doctor". i needed a full 20 minutes to recover, and calm myself. this was 01:50.
through this experience, i suddenly realized the power that the mind hold over the body. and the power shaman in the indian culture had over his people. i actually felt i sting, and a burning sensation in my wright wrist, as though i had experienced the scorpons sting.
hmmmm. this disturbed me, but later in the day, i understood that it's "normal", since the Brain sends out hormones, and registers the nervous system's signals...

how fun the body and brain functions. :toussel:

[Allein'd'Ashan]

A little about meself:
My name is Joakim (the last name, i'll not give because i want to remain a bit anonymous). i live in Norway, right outside of Oslo, and go to Lillestrøm Videregående Skole. goes allmenne fag( regulary corses).
my hobbies range from reading, hanging with friends, listening to music, and excersising.

i've exerienced that life can be pretty harsh, and that it's pretty complicated

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Just felt like posting a song lyric from Muse. from their album "absolution".
Hysteria

it's bugging me
grating me
and twisting me around

yeah I'm endlessly
caving in
and turning inside out

because I want it now
I want it now
give me your heart and your soul
and I'm breaking out
I'm breaking out
last chance to lose control

it's holding me
morphing me
and forcing me to strive

to be endlessly
cold within
and dreaming I'm alive

because I want it now
I want it now
give me your heart and your soul
I'm not breaking down
I'm breaking out
last chance to lose control

and I want you now
I want you now
I feel my heart implode
and I'm breaking out
escaping now
feeling my faith erode

[Allein'd'Ashan]

i just realized, that my problems are insignifaiccant!!! i've ead another persons life, and he/she has really experienced a lot of shit!!! my mere "problems" bleak in comparison. i just realizd, along with the discovery, that i lead a really good life:D:D:D

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Read an article, which told that most people lead a lives full of self-deciet. ppl sying that they were attracted gy the goo/kind and intelligent, but in reality it was the opposite. i understood that i was one of the few that don't lie to themselves. that was ensuring to find out, that i'm not lying to myself

[Allein'd'Ashan]

i'm pathetic. i spoke to one of my friends, or rather half complained to my friend. i've been single for almost a year now, and that's starting to bug me where the sun never shines!!! so i started to bitch and moan about it. heres the situation:
In one year i had three girlfriends. first drove me depressed with accusations that all in her life that was crappy, was my fault. second, exploited me, and "attacked" me verbally all the time. last one cheated on me. i've tried dating once. she didn't "know" me later on. and from that day, i've never dared think of another girl in a manner of "you look hot and interesting" kind of way. been pretty lonely since then.

i don't know what to do, but i intend to find out what's wrong with me!!!

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Yay. tings are realy turning up okay. talked with this girl the other day(i've known her for some time) and we both told the other that we had feelings for the other. it was swell. i'm actually grinning all the time now:D:D:D:D

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Life's going pretty great now. i begin to do my homework more often, have a wonderful GF, which, in my opinion, is a godess:D:D:D:D
i have also begun to wake up every day, thinking: "man, this day will be great:D:D:D"
man, i even look forward to every day:D:D:D

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Bah. i'm the worlds largest looser. i can't do math. i tend to fuck up almost everything i'm doin(except my lyrics, which is a miracle since i have to use words to get'em made) my sis and i had an argument about wether or not i had her guitarbook. my gf broke up on monday. life's fucked me over, pretty bad!!!

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Got the message today. i've got and infection in my aerial ways(Akutt luftveisinfeksjon on norwegian). that explained my coughing fits for the last passing week. life's looking a bit brighter, but is still pretty dark. i think i may play some FF7 later on:p

[Allein'd'Ashan]

I have fallen in love with this song!!! just
listening on this all day long!!!:
Bush- the chemicals between us

i want you to remember :: a love so full it could send us always :: i want you to surrender :: all my feelings rose today :: and i want you to remain :: the power of children can amaze :: i'll try not to complain :: i know that's a pisser baby

the chemicals between us the walls that lie :: between us lying in this bed the chemicals :: displaced there is no lonelier place than :: lying in this bed

i want you to remember everything you said :: every driven word :: like a hammer fell to my head

we're of hollow men we are the naked ones :: we never meant you harm :: never meant you wrong :: i'd like to thank :: all of my lovers lovers lovers

the chemicals between us :: the army of achievers :: lying in this bed :: there is no lonelier face :: than lying in this bed

[Allein'd'Ashan]

I found out that i'm lacking something in my life. i do not know what it is, but i really want to find it out...
other than that; i'm on antibiotics now. bit booring, since i cannot work out, or do anything physical... bit boored, really:p

[Allein'd'Ashan]

I'm really down today. found out that my recent ex have a new boyfriend. she tells me that she met him this weekend, and i belive her. but i thought that he may have been lurking in the background. i keep wondering what i did wrong, to make her loose her feeling, or if it was a sick prank. i will never get the answers, since i don't have the nuts to ask. i'm just a spineless kid who doesn't know what the fuck i want!!! i'm really apathetic and don't really want to do anything but brood. but i know again that it's not good for me...

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Friends are great. they listen, they kick and talk, untill you're almost complete again. then they let you walk the last few steps alone. love my friends, more than anything!!!

[Allein'd'Ashan]

man. i feel bad!!!
i'm still sick(though i took my last antibiotics today), i feel blue, lonely, and i don't have any inspiration to write any songs... man, it's a bitchy world...

[Allein'd'Ashan]

hmmmm. haven't written in here for a while...
dunno why...
well, this is my life as it has passed for the last few weeks...:
I have gotten myself on the "straight" path.. i've gotten more happy thoughts, and have begun to think more about my life in the future.... not that i have figured out anything yet... at least i am working more with my homework, and stuff.... but i still need something to take my mind of the constant analyzing behaviour of mine

[Allein'd'Ashan]

hmmm. i just realized that i haven't posted here for about a half a year:blush:

weeeeeell... what can i say. things have improved lately... and by improved, i mean a lot. my new gf is wonderful. she completes me, in many ways i haven't belived possible. she's (in my opinion... but it's the only one that counts for me;)) transcendental:toussel:
i can honestly say that the feelings that i've longed for (read earlier in this thread) is finally there:blush::D
as for the rest of my life ATM... it's pretty "decent":p it's "Russetid" and i'm having a blast;)

[Allein'd'Ashan]

hey.. me again:p
Life's Bloody good. started uni, have a wonderful Girlfriend(same as i wrote about 8th of may) which i am hopelessly in love with. the courses at uni is exciting, yet challenging. and I feel privileged. i had an epiphany the other day:
i sat in a compartment on the subway, when 5 disabled kids came in. all had various degrees of Downs Syndrome, and had trouble communicating with their caretakers. i realized that i was one lucky bastard. beeing so lucky to have ways to express myself, not beeing attatched to some means to help me beeing able to move, and so on. and if anyone say anything different, i'll prolly laugh right in their faces:)

[Allein'd'Ashan]

Well, this might be considered thread necromancy. But i don't bloody well care. It's friday night, and I am sitting alone awaiting sunday so i can get the hell back to where i live. So i thought "what the heck; Why not "update" my Reflections/Ranting thread":dozey:
Well, here goes:
Living with Arathelle, and have been the last half a year. it's been wonderful, and i hope it will continue being so. I'm going to uni, doing a double bachelor degree in both Socioeconomics and English. It's difficult, since i've developed, throughout my 15 years of school, a very lazy attitude towards learning. Never been overly challenged, and when i was the answers was given to me fairly quickly. But I am coping as best as i can, and i hope writing these words will help me commit more towards the ends that will be my life in the future.

I miss arathelle now. Exceptionally strong longings for her. Might be the fact that i've been awake for 19 hours straight without any form of stimulants (coffee and suchlikes), which tend to make me tired. And when i get tired, i get into a melancholious mood. I think and think and think, which tend not to be overly healthy for me.
I am fairly satisfied with almost every aspect of my life, except the learning and the "anti-social" behaviour I have aquired. Not being able to open up or to have a conversation about nothing inparticular (without knowing something about the person in advance) is taxing. It makes me shun people i might, given other characteristic traits, become close friends with.

Another, although just an irritation, is how my family treats me. Some times, i am a little boy with no vision or knowledge or anything. other times, i'm supposed to know everything about a place i haven't visited in a long time. Or I might even be a form of work-mule. It pisses me off, but i know that if i bring it up all hell will break loose. And i'm not that much "home" to want that little peace slip away.

As a finishing word: I do, indeed, love arathelle:love: