i just decided to start one...

[mat_randreborn]

Hi

[mat_randreborn]

I don't know if this is how ur supposed to start these things but here goes...

[mat_randreborn]

A story:
The sun beat down on Josen's neck like a hammer. He whiped his forehead with his sleeve and glanced upward. One more day in this sweltering heat and he would kill himself. He glanced toward his leader, a bald man in his forties. He appeared outwardly calm, with an amiable temper and a smile for everyone. Josen was not decieved, however. The balding man, Bill, was as tense as the next man and twice as aware. Not even a rat could escape his notice. The company of 12,000 soldiers had waited here for weeks on information about a supposed group of enemies. Pretty slim evidence to base a campaign on, Josen thought. But like everyone, he kept his opinions to himself.

[mat_randreborn]

A trumpet blared. Josen glanced up. Could it be time? He waited on the verge of galloping down the hill. Then a second horn, and a third. Finally! Josen loosened his sword from his scabbard and rode up the hill for a better look. What he saw knocked him speechless. A living wave of Aiel screaming and yelling while waving spears charged toward the main encampment. A man nearby retched, and Josen understood perfectly. This was supposed to be a small band of rebels, not a living nightmare! Josen was only here because of the Lord Dragon's orders. Josen pulled back to his legion.

[mat_randreborn]

"Forward! Forward!" He screamed. Men milled about, trying to create some kind of order with horses screaming and pack animals going wild. The Aiel neared. Sweat beaded on his forehead. If he made it out of this alive, he would go home and pray to the Light for a day. One of his men went down with a spear through his middle, blood gushing out of his back. A week! A month! Anything! Then it was too late to think.
Aiel were among them. Josen ripped his sword of his scabbard and performed Cutting the Wind. He changed into Splitting the Fire, slicing one Aiel's arm of and seperating one from its head. He found himself facing a peculiar Aiel. Josen slashed at his face, then changed to a downward slash. The man blocked it without looking! This guy was good! Now all Josen could do was fend of attacks at his life. Each slash brought him closer to death. It was like that one song, "Dancing with Jack'o the shadows". The hard-faced spearman raised his spear... And went down with an arrow through his throat. Warm blood spattered all over Josen's jacket as the aiel thrashed about in its death throes.

[mat_randreborn]

feel free to put comments or suggestions-

[Llothlian]

That is really good! You want to write more about Josen's adventures :)

[mat_randreborn]

The wind stirred Josen's hair. He glanced upward at the sky. "Pull back and regroup!" he yelled. Then he fended off a few slashes of a spear and took his own advice. Only twenty of his light horse remained, along with about half of his pikes. They pulled back to surrond him. He set the pikes on the ridge. "Los! Los caba'drin! Horsemen forward!" The horsemen lowered their helmets, readied their swords, and galloped down the hill into the milling mass of Shaido. Josen's horse reared upward and came down with a sickening crunch on the head of a Shaido. One of the horse's hooves sheared and Aiel from head to groin. Entrails spilled out like wine from a broken pitcher. The aiel went down screaming. All around him, men were falling, screaming, shouting. Suddenly, a bolt of pure blue lightning struck the ground in front of him. The Shaido must have brought some of those Wise Ones that could channel!

[mat_randreborn]

hey me again-

Lightning flashed downward in jagged spikes, sometimes missing, sometimes hitting their mark. Bodies flew like birds startled into flight. The scent of burning flesh spread like bad perfume, wafting in almost visible clouds. Josen was on his feet. He didn't remember how he got there, and he didn't try. He was too busy staying alive for one moment longer. His sword was coated with blood, and the ground around him was bright red. Rob, his bannerman, appeared to be a whirlwind, fending attacks off and slashing shaido with the same movement. Behind him, one of his horsemen fell off his horse as it died.

[lan sam]

ooh. very good. We used to have a war going here, but it's gone now.....

[A Wind Rose]

"Then he fended off a few slashes of a spear and took his own advice."

Don't mean to nitpick, but don't ever start a 3rd person story with "then" because you will sound like you are talking to the person and it won't involve the reader in the story as much...do something like this:

"After fending off a few STABS (spears don't slash) of the enemies spears, he took his own advice and retreated."

Or if you want to hear his thoughts:

" 'It's getting hairy in here', thought Josen, 'Gotta get out.' He parried a few stabs of the advancing Aiel before following his men in retreat."

Just little wording like that. Make the sentences longer, don't make them choppy because that makes it sound like this happened...this happened...and this happened instead of this and this happened while this was happening...and because this happened, this caused this to happen...etc.

Basically all I got. Yes I know it should be have, but I like got better :)

[A Wind Rose]

Oh, it should be a third person sentence instead of a third person story above in the second paragraph

[mat_randreborn]

u guys should be the editors for NEw York times or something...

[P_Goldeneyes]

By the way....Just reminding, no cyber. :D have fun

[mat_randreborn]

A slight breeze stirred Josen's hair as he slashed at a shaido. Wearily, his bannerman staggered and tried to stab a shaido with his sword. almost lazily, the shaido stabbed the bannerman through the throat. His spear was covered with blood when he ripped it out of the shaido's throat.

[mat_randreborn]

error- in the last sentance i typed, i meant the bannerman's throat, not the shaidos throat :(

[lan sam]

see that little button called edit there? next to quote and above post reply? Yeah, you can edit your posts to stop things liek that.

[mat_randreborn]

thanks, lan

[mat_randreborn]

Now Josen was truely and sincerely scared for the first time in his life. There was no way he was going to survive this. Strangely, he began to feel goosebumps. He ran to his right to stab a shaido. The patch of ground on which he had been standing before exploded in a cloud of flame. Shaido and horsemen alike went down thrashing. The ground was scorched and clear of all vegetation.

[mat_randreborn]

Josen stared. What had just happened? He glanced around and had his second surprise. The hill was clear! He could see the last of the shaido scurrying away in the distance. Josen leaned against his sword, bleeding from numerous stab wounds. He glanced back behind him. His pikes were still there, waiting patiently. Then he realized who was on that proud stallion in front of the pikes. It was Elayne Trakand, daughter-heir of Andor! Josen scrambled on his knees to get up.

[lan sam]

err....are you sure you want to bring real characters into this. I think it'd work better if you branched out, without being brought down by established characters. This is just a suggestion, but maybe introduce the channeler as an Aes Sedai or wilder and make them into a character, because I don't remember Elayne ever doing that.

[mat_randreborn]

this was gonna be a story beginning in a attack near Camelyn and branch off, like u said. Its going to run its own path...

[lan sam]

but did Elayne ever assist in a battle outside of Caemlyn? Especially against Shaido. They are down south near Murandy being chased by Perrin.

[mat_randreborn]

after the last book, i ment

[mat_randreborn]

wow this is still here after like 6 months.... i really should get back to this

[mat_randreborn]

naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa