The misadventures of Fred

[satan]

ok.. this is a very odd, rather infantile story that my cuz and i wrote to her bf while he was at work to keep him from getting to bored.. so it's in daily installments

Chapter 1
Once upon a time, in a land not so far far far away. Um.... there lived a boy named Lou, who lived in a shoe, and a girl name Fred and she lived under a bed. One day they were walking...or well, Lou was skipping, and Fred was doing cartwheels. They then came across an apple, which was orange. Fred decided that it looked tasty so she took a bite. She then turned into a telephone, which immediately started to ring.
So of course Lou picked it up. Where he was transported to a room where a strange man offered him a choice of two pills, then he remembered that his mother told him not to take anything form strangers and walked out of the room. Once he walked out of the room he found himself in a magical forest, with Unicorns that sneeze, and bumblebees with knees.
He joyfully started to skip through the daisies. Then out of the blue, an evil cat and the orange apple driving a steamroller ran over Lou. Thus concluding our story. Do not ask they both did NOT live happily ever after.

Chapter 2...
Now we travel back to Fred the telephone, who is talking to Jim, the fat turtle. Jim has devised a plan to turn Fred back into her human self. Jim says that Fred has to go bathe herself in the Crisco waters above the petite Vernes mt. (In English petite means little, French, and Vernes means green, Spanish). Fred soon realizes that she has come arose a huge problem. She does not have the legs to walk to the scary heights of the mt. But, Cindy Lou, who is fairy from then enchanted woods, offered to carry Fred to the top of la petite mt. Despite its name, the mountain was very, very large, so on the way Cindy Lou ran into her old friend Twizler. A friendly cat from Nantucket who lived in a bucket (but that’s a story for another time.) they decided to stay the night at Twizler's bucket. Later that night after Cindy Lou and Twizler had gone to bed Fred started to ring louder than she ever had before. It woke up everyone in the immediate vicinity of the bucket. All of the animals and creatures that were woken up gathered around Fred but they were all to scared to pick up. Finally a courageous field mouse ventured forth and answered the phone.
Suddenly, all the animals could here was a very loud BEEP that seemed never-ending. In a frenzy brought on by the unfamiliar noise they attacked Fred. She was beaten, left off the hook, busted open, and had all of her coins stolen before the animals finally came to their senses and sulked off back into the dark.
Tune in next time to hear the further misadventures of Fred... still a telephone

[satan]

Chapter 3…
When we last saw our hero she was laying beaten and penniless in the cold right outside of the friendly cat from Nantucket’s bucket. That was where our fearless Fred slept, for she could not really move on her own, being a payphone as she still was. It was a dark and brooding night with a promise of a storm the next day. But Fred awoke to the smells of newly cleaned quarters (that was what she ate being a telephone and all) the sky was cloudless, the birds were singing, and Cindy Lou had repaired her with some duct tape (it fixes everything you know).
After a brief moment of conferring with each other, they decided that they would leave straight after breakfast. It was a rather rushed meal because Fred couldn’t wait to have legs again, and Cindy Lou was eager to get rid of her (since she had been nothing but trouble and had wasted almost an entire roll of good duct tape).
They started off before the sun was fully past the trees and made their way to the Crisco waters that would not only turn Fred back into a human, but would also heal all her ailments. Within only a few short hours they were there standing in front of the pure waters as deep as the ocean and as clear as… well… glass. It was breathtaking and made Fred ignore the gnawing memory that Cindy Lou has said it would take days to reach the waters, because surely, something this pure and clean had to be it.
Cindy Lou landed near the waters edge and said “well here you are… these are the waters you wanted right?”
“Oh I’m sure! How could they be anything but?” responded Fred.
Without a word Cindy Lou flew off never to be seen again, well for now anyway. Fred reached out her receiver and dipped it into the water “drinking” deeply. For a moment she felt the water infuse her being and then suddenly there was nothing but blinding pain. It felt as though her very soul was being torn from her body. It was over as quickly as it started. Fred was sure it hadn’t been more then a few minutes at the most but the sun was setting.
She pulled herself to the edge of the bank and peered into the water hoping to catch a glimpse of her reflection. She cried out in dismay, Cindy Lou was wrong! These weren’t the right waters at all. It was terribly wrong. Although they had healed all of her ailments she was now… a toaster.
Fred was so busy wailing over her new nonhuman form that she didn’t hear the far off rumble of the heard of wild cows. Nor did she feel the earth start to shake as they came closer. But she certainly felt it when the cows hit her with speed you wouldn’t think possible from a cow (of course these aren’t your average cows…). By the time the last straggler cow was about to pass her she was dented, her cord had been pulled out, and someone had eaten her toast!
Tune in next time to see how our hero makes it out of this one ;)

Chapter 4…
When we last talked to our hero she had been trampled by a herd of wild cows (not your ordinary cows however). Now, the last cow (the slowest of the bunch) walked by and saw Fred in her horrible state, crying. Now Jezebel, the slow cow, was so nice and couldn’t stand just leaving Fred all by her lonesome, so she stopped to help Fred.
“Don’t cry over spilt milk, dearest,” said Jezebel.
“I did NOT spill any milk, so that’s not why I am crying,” sobbed Fred.
“Darling, what’s your name, my name is Jezebel.”
“Fred.”
“What a silly name, aren’t you a girl?”
“Yes, duh!” Fred answered with the slightest hint of an attitude problem, she hated people commenting on her name. Yes she knew was a boys name and she was, indeed a girl.
Jezebel and Fred soon hit it off, and spent hours talking about life and Fred’s problems, so basically absolutely positively nothing, and this dried Fred’s eyes. While Fred and Jezebel were having their conversation, Jezebel started to spill milk. Soon there was milk squirting everywhere. Fred’s eyes started to fill up with tears, and before she knew it, they were dripping down her face.
“What did I tell you about crying over spilt milk?” Jezebel asked?
”I can’t help it, it’s just so horribly sad. Think of all the milk your wasting. Think of all the starving kids in Africa and in… um… other far away places. They would DIE to get that milk. And you’re just wasting it! I hate you!” Screamed Fred.
Now Jezebel got very angry at Fred’s rude and unnecessary remarks. She did not TRY to waste her precious milk. Because of her anger, more milk spilt. Milk was coming out by the gallons. Soon the milk was well over Jezebel’s knees, and Fred was drowning. Jezebel no longer felt sorry for Fred, and swam away to join to rest of her herd. (This ends Jezebel’s part in this fabulous story).
Fred was so hopelessly drowning, she had no hopes of ever surviving, and then things got worse. Because she was a toaster, and toasters should not be dunked in any sort of liquid, including milk, she was overtaken by a terrible bout of electrocution.
So we leave our hero, no hope of surviving, in the middle of a sea of milk, and being electrified. Tune in next time to see if Fred does, indeed survive once more for another chapter.

[satan]

Chapter 5….
We left our hero drowning in a sea of milk while being electrified. Fred woke up some time later, and to her surprise she was NOT dead! She opened her eyes and looked out at the sandy beach where she was had been washed ashore. She soon decided that lying on the beach would not solve her problems, so she got up and toured the magnificent island. The sea of milk gently splashed the white, soft sand. The palm trees swayed slightly in the warm breeze. Fred was just beginning to wonder if she was the only person, well, living thing, on this wonderful place. But that was when she meets the love of her life, Carrot the crazy coconut.
“Hello young, beautiful lady. How are you doing on this glorious day? And how in the world did you get here, and why?” Carrot asked in his sweet voice. The sound of his voice spent shivers up Fred’s spine, and she knew she was deeply, and truly in… AHHH… Gasp… The “L” word! (Love).
“Hello to yourself! I’m doing much better, now that I have gazed into your deep, rich, blue eyes! You’ll never ever guess what I have been through! Would you like to listen to my life story, and hear me complain about everything bad that has ever happened to me?” Fred asked in her sweet voice.
“Um… Not really…”
“Too bad for you, because you’ll have to anyways!”
“Yeah, I figured you’d say that!” So Fred jumped into the story of her “horrid” life. Carrot was a perfect audience… umm… well, actually he didn’t listen, but Fred did not notice, she was too busy talking about herself.
“I want to talk about me, I want to talk about I….” Carrot hummed.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing, nothing….” When Fred was done with her life story, which was about a day and a half later, she knew she HAD to marry Carrot!
“Well, do you know where it is?” Fred asked.
“Where what is?” Carrot was too confused to even try and guess, though he figured it had to do with her story that he did not pay full attention to.
“You know the Crisco waters where I can get my human self back.”
“Oh… Umm… Sorry dearest, but I never even heard of it before! Are you sure it is an actual place? I heard that Jim makes up stuff!”
“What!” Sobbed Fred! “What shall I do now!”
“Well, don’t worry sweetums! I heard that the only way to get your human self back is by true love’s first kiss! So all you have to do is find your true love!” Carrot said. He was very eager to be getting on his way home; Fred was very annoying and took up a large portion of his time already.
“Kiss me then! This will be much easier then walking up that horrid mountain.” Fred said.
“Well, it has to be true love… So it will not work.”
“But you are my true love, you do love me don’t you Carrot?”
“Well, no actually. I think you are a self absorbed brat who needs to get a life!” Carrot, happy to leave, got up and left Fred crying at her horrible life. Fred then felt some pain in her heart, and realized that hearts can really be broken. Great, Fred thought, I’m going to die of a broken heart, and HE just left me here! Because of the broken heart Fred turned into a….
Tune in next time (Monday) to find out what she turned into now!

Chapter 6…
…. Caller ID box. Fred just couldn’t believe her horrid luck! What else could possibly go wrong? Tears began to build up in her “eyes”, but just before one tear could fall, she remembered what happened last time she cried and what Jezebel had told her. “Don’t cry over spilt milk, dearest.” Fred could still hear Jezebel’s sweet singsong voice in her head.
“That’s right, I shouldn’t cry over spilt milk!” Fred told herself. “What good is it going to do if I just sit here and pout like a two year old? I should probably find some food on this island.” So Fred began her hunt for some numbers (that is of course what she ate). Now as she was strolling along the old dirt path she came across the least attractive man she had ever seen. This man had long, matted hair, but was balding on the top. His clothes were probably very expensive, but now they were rated, dirty, ripped, and stained.
“I have to get out of here before he sees me!” Said Fred. Just as she turned to “walk” away, the man saw her.
“Wait!” Called the man. Fred tried to pretend not to hear him. “I know you heard me. I order you to stop and wait for me.” Fred had no choice but to do as he said. So she turned to face him.
“Hello, my name is Prince Amiri (African name for Prince) and I have come to take you away with me,” said the man.
“Take me where?” asked Fred.
“To my castle of course”
“And if I don’t want to go...?” asked Fred.
“Then you will come anyway,” said the prince.
The prince did not tell Fred that he knew all about her long and dangerous adventure and had devised a way to turn her back into a human, with a few setbacks of course.
“Fred, my sweetums, trust me, you want to come with me!”
“And why would I trust you, and why would I even ever consider going with you? You are much to ugly and disgusting of a person for someone like ME to be associated with.”
“Yes, um… have you forgotten that you are still a Caller ID box? That no one would recognize you, and if they did then you would disgrace yourself more then I could possibly disgrace you?” Fred gasped and shot this Prince Amiri a horrid glare, but before Fred could say one of her nasty little comebacks, Amiri continued with his point. “Anyways, hun, I know how beautiful you were before all this horrid stuff happened to you. I know that all you want to do is to become your gorgeous self again. And I really can’t blame you. And I would like to help.”
“How could YOU help ME?”
“If you come with me to my castle, my Father can turn you back to your human self. My father has traveled to the Crisco waters that will restore your normal self. He has collected these waters and kept them for whenever he would need to use them. See, it is quite simple, really. So just follow me.” He did not wait for Fred’s answer, for he knew that Fred would follow. He was couldn’t believe that his evil plan actually worked! Heehaw! *Evil laugh*.
Just as Fred started to follow Amiri, a gang of wild monkey muggers attacked poor Fred. Before Amiri could do anything to help Fred, the monkey muggers had beaten, and taken everything from poor Fred. When the monkey muggers left, Amiri scrambled too Fred’s side, where she lay, unconscious, bleeding, and gasping for breath.

[satan]

Chapter 7…
Amiri rushed to Fred’s side one the wild monkey muggers had gone. Amiri picked Fred up (though he knew Fred did not like to be picked up, but he thought that she wouldn’t mind, considering the situation). A big, black Arabian horse came when Amiri gave a sharp whistle. Fred was tossed up to the noble steed with the Prince right behind her. The brave Arabian Stallion galloped away at the speed of light. Before long they were in front of the Prince’s huge castle. Amiri called for help, as he lifted Fred off the stallion.
“Help! Help!” Screamed Amiri. “Help, someone please HELP!” Fred began to gasp for breath, and made horrible wheezing noises. Amiri knew that Fred had a temperature of at least 108 degrees, but yet Fred acted like she was freezing. Fred had only minutes until she would be taken from this life.
A man came running down the stairs at the sound of the Prince’s urgent cries. He saw that the lady in his son’s arms needed his help now.
“What happened?” The King asked as the brought Fred into the castle.
“Those wild monkey muggers attacked her, they beat her up and stole everything. Which isn’t really a lot, considering she’s a Caller ID box. But still, I think she might die!” Amiri was beginning to panic, and his voice began to crack. He could not think to loose his one and only when she was so close to being his.
“Son,” the King began to explain. “I can only heal humans, you must kiss her.”
“But she doesn’t love me yet. Before the muggers came she was yelling at me, and well, to tell the truth, I think she despises me. Is there another way?”
“I’m afraid not…” The King said.
“Well, then I’ll have to kiss her now. Who knows, she may love me after all…” Amiri bent down the give the girl he loved the kiss that would make all of Fred’s problems go away, once and for all. Fred would never have to worry about anything ever again….
“Wait!” Cried the King desperately.
“What, I’m just going to kiss her.” Amiri was very confused now.
“No, if you do not know for sure if she loves you, but kiss her anyways, and she doesn’t love you, then she will be forever a Caller ID box, and no one will be able to help her. She will continue to have bad luck forever and ever. She will never die, but suffer horribly on this Earth. And you, you my son, will never be able to fall in love again. You will never be able to look at another girl without her turning into a Caller ID box, also. You will also be suffering, with horrid pain. Pain beyond pain, you cannot even begin to imagine. And you will also have bad luck, and never die. So please, don’t risk it.” The King explained.
“But, if I don’t kiss her, then you can’t heal her because she is still a Caller ID box. And without you healing her, well then she will…. DIE!” Sobbed Amiri. “I would rather risk it. Because if she does die, then that would be worse pain then anything that could ever happen to me.”
“You are being so SELFESH!” Screamed the King. “You are my only son, and if you are domed to that fait, then the kingdom will fall forever. No one else can take our place, and the people of our land will have no one to lead them, no one to follow. Their lives will be chaos. They will also die! Suffer to death. How can you do this to anyone? I don’t believe that my son could be… do this to me! I want to cry!” With that the King had a break down, and he had to be carried away because he was crying so hard he couldn’t breath, thus causing him to suffocate do to the lack of oxygen flowing to his little brain. Before the King died, he disclaimed his son.
“I hate you Amiri, and you were a mistake, that is why your mother left you. But, I knew that I would have no other children, because only your mother would marry me. So I had to keep you. You are not loved! I hate you!” Were the King’s final words.
“I hate you too, father!” And that was the last thing the King heard, as his mind drifted off to oblivion. Now, lets turn back to our problem with Fred, whom Amiri had completely forgotten about over his joy of his father’s death. And, just to despite his father one last time, Amiri bent down and gave Fred a kiss….
Tune in tomorrow for our last chapter in the wonderful story, and find out if it was true loves first kiss…

[satan]

Chapter 8….
Amiri’s lips gently touched Fred’s. For a moment, Amiri thought that the kiss wasn’t true love. But, Fred’s eyes opened and looked right into Amiri’s face now a beautiful, perfect specimen of a man. Amiri was so excited that Fred did love him, deep down anyways. He started to dance around; Fred thought to herself that the Prince looked like a chicken with its head cut off.
“MEN!” Fred muttered under her breath.
“Oh, Fred, your alive, and HUMAN! Oh dear, I love you so very much, and now I know you love me too…”
“What! I don’t love…. You….” Fred lied. “How did I turn human again, why and how can you say that I love you! And did you kiss me? How dare you kiss me?”
“Fred, honey dearest, true love’s first kiss would be the only thing that could save you. Well, my kiss anyways. I was hoping that you loved me too, because well, quite frankly, it would have been a complete waste of time if you didn’t.” Amiri then began to explain how his father had lured Fred and Lou into the woods and put that orange apple in front of Fred so she would eat it, and then become a telephone. The King then ordered Lou to be murdered so they wouldn’t have to deal with him. The King hired the turtle to tell Fred about the Crisco waters, even tough they do not exists. The King also had hired all of Fred’s “guides” to lead her to the castle. But the guides could only put up with so much of Fred, that they all ended up leaving Fred. The King’s plan was that they would have to hire one guide, but Fred was so horribly impossible to handle.
“And why, Prince, did your Father come up with the wretched plan?”
“Oh, don’t you see silly Fred? So I could marry you. You would have to fall in love with me. My father had some sort of plan for that too, but well, now he is dead! HAHAHA (Evil laugh). But anyways we will not be needing that because you do love me. You may deny it, but it is true, for you are human again. But, there is still one thing I don’t understand, how come you’re not dead?”
“Well, the turtle told me that the Crisco waters would heal me from everything. I could not have any more pain. So maybe it is the same thing with true love’s first kiss?”
“I bet it is! Now we can live happily ever after!”
“Not so fast, hot shot! How come you needed ME so bad? Couldn’t you have used another girl? One that wouldn’t take so much time and effort to get?” Fred was trying very hard not to fall for Amiri, but it was becoming more and more difficult. With every minute, Amiri became more and more perfect.
“Well, I just knew it was you. I saw you in my dream one night, and I knew you were my one and only true love.”
“Oh Amiri!” And with that Fred ran over to Amiri and kissed him. Before long Amiri and Fred were happily married. They had everything they could ever want. They had a barn full of national champion Arabian horses. They had a perfect 100 stalls barn. They were so happy, and they knew that they would love each other for the rest of their lives.
One fine evening in late May Amiri took Fred on a romantic walk to their favorite spot. As they sat together, Fred began to shiver.
“Oh, sweetie, are you cold?” Amiri asked, knowing that even though it was 95 degrees, Fred would be freezing without her parka (which she forgot in the barn). “Would you like to go back honey?”
“Oh no sweetie, I’m having such a astonishing time. I could not leave these breathtaking woods just to go back to get a parka. Maybe if you wrap your arms around me I would get warm?” Fred and Amiri enjoyed the magnificent twilight in each other’s arms. They eventually wandered back to their home and headed to bed. Late in the night Amiri heard Fred sneeze. After that, Fred made no more noise.
“Fred, honey, are you ok?” Amiri was very worried. He remembered that the only thing that could kill Fred was the common cold. He reached over to shake Fred, but she would not move. He felt for a pulse, but there was none. That was it, his true love died of a common cold. No, Fred survived the attack of the wild animals from the woods, being trampled by cows, drowned and electrocuted in a sea of milk, a broken heart, and mugged my a gang of wild monkeys. But of course, one sneeze from the common cold would make her heart stop forever. (You are probably thinking that this is the end, but lucky for you we keep going, and going….)

* * *
Of course, being a good husband, Amiri had a wake for his dearly departed wife. Many… uh… “friends” showed up to “mourn” her loss. (But we all know they really just wanted free drinks). Hiding in the corner the strange man (who offered the pills to Lou) was selling drugs to the orange apple and the evil cat. Jim, the fat turtle, was pigging out at the all you can eat buffet, which closed five minutes later. Cindy Lou was flying around inconspicuously trying to steal people’s souls. While Twizler, the friendly cat from Nantucket who lived in a bucket (that is a story for another time) was filling his bucket up with flowers given in Fred’s memory. The angry heard of cows were running back and froth trampling Fred’s casket. Jezebel was spilling milk all over and telling people not to cry over spilt milk. Carrot the crazy coconut was looking at himself in the mirror. The wild monkey muggers were going around trying to steal people’s Caller ID boxes. The king’s ghost was busy reenacting his demise in front of a large laughing crowd. Only Amiri seemed to be respecting his dead wife by flirting every female there. After a while everyone gathered around Fred’s casket and started to laugh and talk bad about her. They each told a story about there horrid experiences with Fred. Amiri was just finishing up his story when a huge atomic bomb hits the funeral home, and the world ends. And no one lived happily ever after. The end.