And now for something Completely Stupid.

[theinsolentone]

Hi. This is somethign completely stupid, as one more "lost child" gives into a rant/rave/emotional teen trend. I decided to make it discreet, so as to not make it appear i want people to hear me speak out agianst how terrible my life is, like only i was suppossed to hear it. If i wanted that i would get a journal, and write in it by hand. SO those of you who found this, i promise to keep it interesting and not about complaining. Well, there will be some complaining about how my life sucks, but i will cut back on it.

My name is Jake, i live in arizona, and like every other teen kid, i think i have problems. Im sure its normal. IM a blonde haired blue-eyes generic teenager, average hieght, average weight, not too muscular. Ya know, a phoenix kid. Enjoy.

This was inspired partially by solmyre(chris), and my recent outbreaks of emotional breakdown. After reading his, (which i hope i alright), i figure this might be a good output place for venting shit like he did. If only he hadn't rememberred to grow up, or if i had actually grown up myself.

Ok, seeing how I am startin in already, here goes my first "post".


Today was frustrating as all bitchcakes. SChool is, well, different thani wanted. I wanted to have a gang of high school guys i hang out with, go do stuff with, and have a good time. But recently i've just been focusing on school. I wish i could find a way to have a good tiem, do my hard classload, and shit like taht, but like im not involved in anythign at ashcool where i have freinds, and all the guys i eat lunch with dont really like me that incredibly much. Even my old montessori freinds dont really like to hang out wiht me anymore. Chris likes ot smoke pot, which is fine, but too much. I hope it doesnt consume him now taht he broke up with em. Its a stupid drug, like people who are addicted to cigarettes. Respect=0. No offense to chris of anyhting, i wish we were stil good friends, he was like my best freind for a long time. Cool guy. But we took different paths, and i know its overbearing of me to say his is wrong, but i worry bout him. Nothing wrong with pot, until you do it all the time. Dude, if you red this, no offense to you. YOure stil a cool guy. I jsut wish that shit would drop.

Funny thing is, i though having no one to tlak to anymore like chris would be fine, i enjoy solitude, but i was wrong, its blows. I just sort of keep whatever is happenning to myself, andi just give some borgin stories to andre and chris and the guys at school. I feel like telling em anyhitng that happes to me is like gay, or pansy or some shit. So, i dont even talk to my parents anymore.
For a while i really liked it, i could like keep everythign about me a secret, and no one would know who i am, and i oculd live like a secret underground life. But then i got really sad, cuz lots of people died or left that were close to me. Especially REsa. Last person i spilled my guts to. SHe told me i could call her, but that would be patronizing, i thought. So i dont talk to my dad at all, who is really who i want to talk to, but he is competly hostile toward me. I have to keep it about brogin business- like subjects. HE thikns its real and good, and it keeps him from haintg me, but i dont know how long i can keep that shit up. i frankly dontk now what he would think if i told him i was sad about something.

Something cool happenned today, i felt really cool. Like when youre with some friends at school and your playing some stupid ass game in the middle of the mall, and eveyrone looks at you wishing they were cool enough or had enough friends ot have that good of a time eating lunch. Its easier for me to come out of hiding and have a good tiem with weaker-willed people than me. I guess tahts why im terrible with girls. I assume they are the superior. BUt, i have treid the reverse, at the school dance, and they like it. When a "bigger" person gives them attention they dig it. Maybe i can figure out thos crazy ass aliens.

Well fuck, i just ranted about lots of shit. That felt goood. Haha, i'm suppossed to be like "i hope no on reads this" and hide it i somewhere in my aim profile, hoping some bored person will see it, but it actually felt good to get that shit out. LAter posts will be more accounts of ym day, artwork, and the like I have some good song ideas, and poems, adn othre "gay" stuff like taht. I think drawing is badass, so blow me.

Right, im going to bed.

[theinsolentone]

Another week in the bag. They fly by during school don't they?
Anyway, today was good day. We had a mass, (wooo, fun...) and short classes. IM dropping my hardest class cuz my parents are making and taking baseball, now thats rockin. All my classes are good, and i felt like a "cool guy" showing this freshman how detention works :). I felt like a leader, and my counselor saw me being nice to the freshman and being a big guy, so i felt proud. Cheesy, yes, but i still feel better. Anyway, i also think thigns are getting better with my dad, and with my mom. If im in one of those, crazy, funny, helpful moods, they are all so much better behaved- my dad wont be overbearing, and my mom wont get bitchy. And they even came home and told me how proud they were of me for trying hard at school and shit. Taht was nice. So there is little to whine about today cept the usual, recurring problesm i have. 1.) NO freinds 2.) no girlfriends 3.) cant decide on one subject to focus on and get good at 4.) my parents 5.) I'm STILL a slacker.

None of those came up today though, cept the girls part. And im begginning to think i have freinds after all, IM not slacking too badly, im getting really into web design and math, and my parents wer good today.

So,were stuck with girls. There are none. Im trying to fix it, with some progress. But, argh, i dont know how people do this. It seems so easy until i have to do it. I hate talking to girls, they always make me feel stupid.

I honestly am worried. I have gotten so much less actin than everyone else i know. EVeryone else is amking out, having sex, Bj's, and shit. GRrrrr.

Dull and dreary
Drab and bleary
Cant you hear me
I want to be

INTERESTING!


Anyway, a good day. Good mood. I just have work tomorrow, bright and early. See yall round.

[theinsolentone]

Today was like the perfect day. I went to work, all my classes went generally well, I was bigger than my dad cuz he let me drive home and i didnt give in to him trying to start fights, and i played racquetball and didnt get mad, and me and my dad got along all day, i was funny and happy all day. None of my freinds even bothreed to call me (hah) today, but tahts ok. I figure better to have family first, then freinds. Then girlfreinds. Im still bummed about this. I haven't talked to any girls outside my freinds in like 2 weeks. Im' girl impaired. Last girl i kissed was Megan. Im like freaking out here, and I can't think of anywy to fix it without sounding desperate. The time i don't even think about are the times i do the ebst, but it's impossileto kepe of oyur mind. Even most of the freshman have girlfreinds. grrrrr. I must be really ugly, or a big asshole, or i just dont know any girls. I HOPE its the third one. Anyway, if youre a girl reading this, talk to me. I don'tc are if youre intersted or not, i just need to talk to a female. All guys high school sucks ass.

Alrite, im going ot go play guitar. I sort of put myself in a bad mood by bringing up girls. Why cant they just all like me. Hah.

"Hasta la pasta"

Jake

[theinsolentone]

I am going to rant
I am going to rave
Why you killed me
I was never the same
YOu never gave
A reason to live
So why would i appear
to like it as you
I hated it here
You knew that
I sitll hate it here
you know that
You still dont care
i know that
so why did we move
The street corners, the feel
I lost my groove
And never got it back
5 years stuck
you didn know you could steal
years off someones life
but you did
and i still hate you for it
but the point is i hate the strife
i hate hating you
and you hate hating me
so stop avoiding it
and apologize
this city is lost
and so am i
trite as can be
so dont fucking lie
you hate it too
its not a suprise
the insolence
the ignorance
the sacraments
the incidence
I hate it now more than ever
You stuck me here
And wont let me leave
And i couldnt if you wanted
cuz i still believe
that you loved me at one point.
Before arizona, before you fucked up,
before i hated sububan life,
before you hated me, before i hated you, and before we pretended it didnt matter.


It still hurts dad, especially today.

God, i hope no one actually reads this.

[theinsolentone]

Ive been doing a lot of moping lately. It can be frustrating. Most productigve thing i did all weekend was work out. i tried to build a website. Im not really devoted to anyhting,. Not baseball, not web design, not amth, whatever. I dont care really, this wekend i have been getting really really pissed at suburbia. I have no reasons. I fucking feel like crying. If i had never moved out to this shit city, maybe i wouldnt be so fucked up. I wont commit to anyhting, cuz maybe it will go 3000 miles away again. Fuck that. I hate the insolence- stucco, cheap building, "model homes", SUV's, Gas stations with convenience stores, grocery stores, dillards, fucking news stations, chain restaurants, theyre all so FAKE. I HATE THIS PLACE, IM TRAPPED AND I CANT LEAVE. I like chris's description- a replica of hell. Why cant we have a real city, with tall buildings. We have dirty air, shitty water, uncontrolled growth, and a population reproducing like mormon rabbits and no one gives a fuck. As long as they and thier kids gets a 2000 square foot home with AC and a nice, family sedan car. It doesnt matter to them. CANT THEY SEE HOW INSOLENT THEY ARE?!?!?!?! i wanna fucking shoot someone with 5 kids. DONT YOU FUCKING GET IT? THIS CITY WONT LAST MORE THAN FIVE YEARS! YOU PEOPLE NEED TO SOTP BEING CONSUMERS AND START BEING HUMANS. i hhhhhhhhhhaate this place. "It's the smell, if there is such a thing. Every time i smell i feel as if somehow i have been infected. This filth, it's digusting ISN"T it?"
-the matrix. Fuck life, im going to go shoot some mormon.

God, im still mad. Define consume. To use up a resource. To swallow. To use entirely. ISN'T THAT WHAT WE ARE DOING? NOt only are we fucking ruining our lives and this fucking planet, were fililng it with defects. Inbreeds. I dont care if i sound like hitler. Too many kids raised on 1% millk and white bread with no crust. Too many kids with asthma. Too many kids with diabetes. Too many FAT kids. Too many kids who don't know what the words pre-emptive strike means. Too many people who are going to ruin everything i am trying to fix.

There, im done. If you are anyone who is offended by this, dont whine to me. I dont want to hear it. If you are going to try and kill me over this, good luck. Im one tough motherfucker.

[theinsolentone]

Ever hear something so treu it makes you cringe? I know copying song lyrics is trite and cliche, but every once in a while you think you and the singer must have beenon the SAME wavelength. I hate to do this cliche aim shit but heregoes- Incubus- Just a phase.

I am bottled fizzy water
And you are shaking me up
You are a fingernail running
Down the chalkboard I thought I left in third grade
Now my only consolation
Is that this could not last forever
Even though you're singing and thinking how well you've got it made

Who are you?
When will you be through
Yeah, it's just a phase
It will be over soon
Yeah, it's just a phase
Yeah, it's just a...phase

Call it women's intuition
But I think I'm on to something here
Temporaryism has been the 'Black Plague'
And the Jesus of our age
I know I must sound opinionated
Maybe biased and quite possibly jaded
But sooner than later they'll be throwing quarters at you on the stage

Who are you?
When will you be through
Yeah, it's just a phase
It will be over soon
Yeah, it's just a phase
Yeah, it's just a...phase

[theinsolentone]

NOtha day. I loved/hated this week. Account of things that went wrong-

1. My good freind woke up and couldnt move, he has a brain tumour. They took it out, and he ahs to re-learn how to walk.

2. My band teacher is- Gay. His Boyfreind is being executed. He has psychotic/nervous breadowns, and hes addicted to drugs. Heavy drugs.

3. All the wrestling coaches got fired. The wrestling program is over.

4. I dropped an AP class for baseball.

5. My good freinds dad died.

6. My dad is gone for two weeks. This has more of an effect on me than i let show.

7. My sister is gone for good. It just hit me. Im devastated.

8. i guess tahts it.

Heres the odd part- I've been ridiculousy easy going this week. Stress level=0. I'm not sure what my grades are like, but i don't care about much. NOt how i act, look, or sound. This gets more freinds than one might think. Lots of them.

Im still pissd at chris for getting into shrooms and pot. hes over his head. I want him to wake up and get out of this and do somethigng reat, like i know he oculd.

Andre is no longer that cool to me. He doesnt do much except wait for people to ask him to pot parties.

Alan has lost it too- He lets chris and alex and andre sort of walk all over hima nd get him stoned. I let chris and andre get stoned at my place, but that was my choice. Why the fuck cant i have freind who like to get drunk or something safely, spend the night, and then have a good teim? Or just like go around fucking about in my car? NO. my freinds want to go rock climbing on sundays or get stoned at my house. I dont so anyhting with sean , taylor, and the guys formt he hill becuz they are like that. Isnt there some group of cool people??? David is cool, but i dont know, i doubt he would ever do anythign fun with me. I assume he will read this, but i dont care, htis is all about honesty. Chris, if you read this, once agian. Honesty, bro. MAybe i should start in with what makes me happy about these people. Chris is a cool guy, who is always so friggin generous and stuff, and doesnt mind haning out with me. David is cool too, because he cna think about things. but i dont know is he wuold ever do something like light my pool on fire like we did with adnre and ben. Ben is one cool kid. I wihs i was better freind with him. He does sumb stuff with me, but he also builds websites, produces bands, and plays music. He's also german. He does eveything like i want to, which actually makesme jealous. But hes also a fun kid to hang out with. Everyone go be like ben.


My mood- relaxed, depressed, sometimes crazy/funny. Those of you who know me REAL well know what a crazy/funny mood is like. That's not more than a few of you. Im always like taht with emgan, which is why i wanted to date her. Haha, so over that.

Music this week- Old incibis with that funk/jazz guitar, and great lyrics and cool modes. Gotta love your incubus.

Political mood- Dean howard. Hating repbulican conservatives with a passion. I actually considered murdering one of those world-ruiners. Scared myself into not thinking about it.

Lots of guitar, snowbarding thoughts, and surfing thoughts.


Next post will another profound rant. Im in teh mood babah.

[theinsolentone]

working through the day
running rants inside my head
ill confide in you my friend
if you just let it slide.

i cant see whats in front
that girl left me cold
she got with some one else
but im still bonafide.

Acne ridden
girl forbidden
im still wishin
to be livin

[theinsolentone]

More on that later, theres music and a sang to taht, which i wrote, but im not done. its getting chessy, eh?

[theinsolentone]

AAAAND I'm back. Sorry for the wait. Im sure you were all desperate to hear me complain more.

A thought for you all.

I have begun to change my life.
Even my best freinds dont know me anymore, im differnet. More political, and extremist. MOstly because i have found changing a lot of my negative personallity traits to positive ones, and that many of thse are associated with this country and this culture.
I actually like this, i finally feel like ikm not complaining im living.

Arrogance is the Gleaming fascade of vulnerability.

Thats my thought for today.

Im changing that about me too. I do not thinki am good at anything anymore, or taht my senses are perfect, as i thought before. It's somewhat scary, and disheartening, but that goes away fast. I have my whole life to be really good at something, and not have to tell someone about it.

So, lesson: don't be arrogant. Don't be vain. Actaully, you can be anything you want, but it's immoral in my opinion and i wont hang out with you. Today was 9/11. I'm really really tired of ignorance, insolence, vanity, and of course, the bigget load of arrogance. America is not the ebst ocuntry in the world. We are not the superior culture. At least TRY to look at the other side, suburbia. Stop eating, stop ranting. Look, Listen, and Understand. I'm tired of you suburbia. I'm tired of you all.


Thanks,
Jake.

[theinsolentone]

Epiphany. Im fucked. Majorly. Just now, i had to write it down. I got really really down on myself for sucking ASS at baseball. I went to practice and made a fool of myself, and i got to thinking how i really really need to work to get good enough. Now all of ym freinds are tested out of Algebra 1 and there all in Algebra 2, and my dad made me drop AP envirochem, but all my friends are in regular honors chem. I hate my life. Im not doing any of the things i wanted ot do in high school:

Focus on Math and Science
Be involved with clubs
Have friends who im really close to, ya know, "da guys"
Learn alot
Be one of the smart kids
have a life

MY god im fucking about to cry. Like i dont know anyhting about cars, im not really taht good at guitar or sax at this point,im really far behind in math now, and i dropped science for a sport i cant play. Im not learning anyhtign i watn to and im getting relaly bad grades. I always thought i was the smart one, who wouldnlike ace high school. And i thought iw as doing so well.
My god.

Im fucking terrified. MIT is gunna look at my application and laugh. just fuking laugh. What the fuck is a lose like me doing even tlaking to them, i hate this. My freind Mary kate, who i always thought iw as smarter than, is like aceing high school in all teh classes i wanted to take. Im like a fucking slacke puussy, i hate this shit. I swear im gunna snap. My parents think im doing so well, there so proud of me, and like i know deep down im fucking up mylfie. Right now. my god.....

[theinsolentone]

Skidd!!

Jake comes out of a major tailspin.

Ive been fuh-reaked about this grades/baseball/me sucking at everything. Im just getting over it, and i owe most of it to my mom. she can punch holes in ridiculous emotional arguments, and while at first that pisses me off, i later cool down. I appreciate her a lot.

My dad came home tonight. I had forgotten i still loved him. Stupid kids these days. He came home and didn't jump on my back about anything. Made my day, 'specially cuz i missed that dude.


Anyway, my sister still rocks. She calls me, and cheers me up. Its odd that my whole family works on me to make me happy, i guess im a bit of a nutcase. no really, i honestly have a problem. but uh, that doenst evene xtend to this "no lies" blog. Sorry self, and any loser reading ths.

P.S. - if your reading this, go get a life. If you have the patricen tor ead anyhting mroe than the songs and occasional breif rants, go get a life. Yeah, you.

I need some Girls. I know that sounds ridiculous, but i go in and out of really wanting a girl to fool around with/be my best freind. Hence "girlfreind". Yeah, i thought i didn't need one, but eh, i really do. Trying to met girls is hard when youve done nothing to meet them for the past year.


Also- freinds. ::sean's friends dont like me:: I got in another breakdown with my oh-so-patient mom about this one. Frankly, my approach now is- Instead of trying to "join"' sean's group of firends, im going to do what i like. If no one else come along, then can blow. Ok all guys school, no they can blow me, but you get the point.



oh p.s.- my back is killing me. Need to see some doctor. Weird how some stupid ass physical problem causes mental state ot be like -10.

[theinsolentone]

:grumbles:

Pencils. Yeah, pencils. Im sick of them. Mechanicals are always broken- out of lead, eraser, or busted. THe nice ones get stolen/lost. I have 3 shitty quality mechanicals. the plastc breaks easier than the graphite. Now this sounds ridiculous, but honestly, if you try to break the graphite off on the table, the plastic breaks too. Now, not only do they suck, but for some reason i cant get rid of them. They don't get stolen, and if i thought i have lost them, they end up in my backpack.

Then there's wooden pencils. Now, as it goes, i hate wooden pencils. There's nothing hate worse than a dull pencil. Seriously, like i go to shapen it, but i sharpen it too much. It breaks the tip. I go sharpen in by less, and it works. Then it gets dull halfway through a math assignment. So I get up to sharpen it, and i go through the same process. The more and more frustrated I get, the less less and the stupid pencil cooperates. By the time i get done, i have a nub for a pencil. I hate that worse than anyhting. it rubs against my freaking finger wihle im trying to get shit done. Then, it won't write straight. Then there's the eraser. For some reason, the eraser on a pencil is just baout the shittiest form or rubber there is. When you get a brand new pencil, they tend to be too big. you start goin hard at a smudge, and the eraser pops out. This usually incurs some swear word. Now, on the pencils that pass this ridiculous test end up in another category. The stale, smear, pain in the ass category. This happens when a pencil sits at the bototm of your backpack, and gets a "stale" eraser. Now, the rubber quality has to be pretty low for this to work, but pencil manufacturers pull it off. The eraser had somethign resembling a dirty, hard shell, and when you attempt to erase somethign, it smears the graphite with dirt all over the page. I HATE this especially. Then you pick off the old shell with your fingernail, and try to erase it. It doesn't work, and you write over the sumdge, but you can't see it. So you press harder, until you have black lettering, over a gray area of crap. Now You're paper is ugly, and your fury with pencils is near the amount of mine.

Some advice- use a pen

[theinsolentone]

i hate girls. yeah, girls. IM not gay or something. I am just sick and tird of them
they can all seem to find me nice and cool and a good freind, which is nice. but i want a girlfriend. I haev tried treating them nice, with respect, and not moving things too fast or being maniupulative. i have tried being romantic. I have tried being funny and cute. I have treid everything i know how to to. BUt god damn, very one has not really wanted to date me. Date meaning fuck around with. Aren't there any girls who want to just foola round with someone? preferably me? am i that ugly? What the fuck is wrong with me? EVery girl i haev liked ends up liking me but then not, they dont see me as a freind. I get all down on myself, and pissed at the fact taht im missing a something that would let me succeed at sports, grades, freindships, and most importantly GIRLS. What the fuck is wrong with me? i dont know. I attract people but not to a point where they want to know me. i would make a good py or something. especilly cuz one girl *ahem* whos name sarts with an L put it so right. Im so nice, and cool and sweet, but she cant like me. Its some dork who isnt half as cool but gets lots of action cuz girls LIKE him. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

Oh and my grades suck

oh and i suck at baseball

oh and all the people i thought were my friends dont like me much

oh and i still dont have a GF



WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????????????????????????????????????????





a very disgruntled jake

[theinsolentone]

My worst fears haev come true. Up till now ive been writing about how my NORMAL teenage lief sucks. I am about to wiret down a secret. I'm not. suprise.

I'm insane. I've gotten counseling. Not insane, but ADD/hyper emotional breakdowns. I go into phases when i think i was set out to fail and there is now way in life i could ever succeed. Mostly i tell freinds how i wish i could be smart like thema nd pawn it as normal. Which is why i fit in. This PhD bastard i talked to told me everything i blow up to malproportoin in my intellect. Also, I think in sentences. This doesn't sound strange, but everyone else doesn't tthye think in words or just emotion. Im speaking to myself in my head. a lot. I bet no one knew that. Also, If im not careful, me tlakig to myself in my head beocmes two people. There the critical one, which i assume is my brain and intellect. It's always saying shit like "fuck, why did you do that?" that sure sounds normal, but i answer to myself (in a full sentence) "shit dude i dont know youre the smart one". It's as if theres two me's. Im not schizophrenic. I know im not, because i can put them togethr and assume myself as a whole. Then, if im alone for too long, i forget, and they talk to each other again. This happenned today and i noticed (usually i dont)

"SHit, ive gotta get that report done" (after My Housh reminded us on thursday ourrpeot on computers is due)

"whatever, you enver do your work. If you didnt talk to freins and play music all day and those video games you would be smarter thanev eryone here."

Now, the freaky part. There was an answer. It was involuntary.

"but if I didnt I would have no social life and be a bigger loser than i am."

Note how there is no "we" referred to by the two halves. that measn that while they recognize each other as seperate, they funtcion as one. If they oculdnt recognize each other or recognized each other as seperate i would be schizo.

Here's the weird part. While i have very little control over them, they are rarely noticeable. However, I am speaking to myself when for instance you say something to me and i continue to look straight ahead with very little acknowledgement. I heard what you said, but no conclusion was made.

I;m sure many of you talk to yourselves in second person ("yu idiot... etc") but I'm nuts. You dont answer yourself when you talk to yourself in second person. I do.

I think it has to do with what that counselor said. Theres so much pressure i put on myself to succeed and to have friends that i get into hyper-emotional states. The reason they are hyper is also because i have moderate ADD (no meds for tho, its not too bad). however, I get out of them, and im fine. but then, I start saying to myself, "you idiot, get your homework done, sotp talking, sto playing." ANd I answer myself to makeup for my percieved shortcomings. When i talk to someone i iev thme my full frontal attention, therefore they are both occupied and cannot talk to ech oter.


Yeah, im fucked up. The people who have seen my hyper-emotional state are: My sister, my mom, and my dad. The people who are actually close ot me and get me are my mom and my sister, my dad has lost that. since he moved me to hell (arizona).

[theinsolentone]

There is this really good freind i have named Jacque. Shes really funny, and nice, and even understnads parts of me (GASP!). The thign is, we used to be family freind,s emaning not really freinds. Then, we got to be really good firnds. I guess i HAD to open up to someone, and get clsoe to SOMEONE, and my parents put me in proximity to that someone. Good for oyu guys, unwittingly. But now, she got hot. Yeah, that right, hot. ANd i dont know what to do about it. Were good freinds (not TOO close mind you-- she doenst know im crazy :D ) so its really weird for us if it gets romantic for a second. I guess i should be grateful because before i think girls have been unattracted to me because i think they could sense i was a hard-ass about letting **anyone** close to me. but Jacque is near that, and if it gets romantic its gets really weird, really fast. Like in the middle of a conversation, somtehing like that will come up, and we know we both like each other more than just firends :D, but its like WHOA AKWARD ATTACK. I want to try shit, but i dont know when or how. Shes so nice and cool and funny, and s3xeh, but its so fucking weird! ::sigh:: what am i to do?! shes coming over later this week i think, i dont know WHAT will happen!

Lol, Girls make me mad! But i love them too!

befuzzled but happy Jake!

[theinsolentone]

First Treatise on government

Firstly, let me state that the viewpoints here are purely based off my reason, and not to be taken seriously by anyone.

NOT DONE WRITING IT

[theinsolentone]

For once, life rules.

1.) I can drive. w00t.
2.) I have freinds. Not from Brophy, but who cares.
3.) I don't care that I suck at baseball.
4.) While I had that epiphany about how dumb I am in comparison to the smartest kids at Brophy, I do realize that with a modicum of work ethic I can be smarter than the smartest asian. :D
5.) I'm doing better at baseball. I still suck, and i probably won't make the team, but I don't care.
6.) I don't care what people think of me at school anymore. Yay.
7.) I'm getting really good at computers.
8.) I HAVE A GIRLFREIND!!

That's a long list!!! Life is good! My grilfriend is Bri, and shes really cool. She talks a lot and at first i was like wtf but now I love it. She's "playboy sexy" as we call it and I really really like her. This could be big. Having a car really helps. I'm having a hard time chagning myself to have better work ethic. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but god, a little work goes so far. I think that's why asians are so smart. I been doing a lot of hanging out with ben and i want to get to know his freinds better too. I love love love the music scene. Bitchin. Also, with that psycho thing, it doens't bother me anymore. One of the voices violently hates doing work, the other one logically says i should do it, but if my physical will power overcomes them both (even the one that says i should to it for college) its so easy to get done. also, i've noticed there arent two voices when im playing music. Bitchin.


Another thing ive noticed is taht a lot of my freinds are starting to worry about thier lives while i have worried less. It really has an effect on the way people are, when they worry so much they get down and depressed and pissed at how they are. Jacque is getting all like that, bridget is, and my freind david is perpetually like that. They all look up to me and make me out to be cooler now because of the reversal of roles. It's so weird that the people who worry the least appear the coolest. David wants to know how im so strong and confident and eas going and level-headed. Hes the one who gets awesome grades and is freaking smart, but he worries about fucking eveything and i coudlnt imagine living like that.

Aah wow it's late. I need to get going. My dad is going away for two weeks, and it makes me sad. But, our relationship has been getting better and better. I have sotpped taking offense to anything he says. I think my parents know i am growing up. Awesome. I just miss my dad though.

AAAH big yawn. Nite, moon!

Jake