and now for something completely different....

[Solmyre]

Ok, i decided to get one of these thinger-ma-boppers, because now that i started school again, i'm going to have a lot of time during procrastination. Finally a senior, and im excited as hell to get outta this hell-replica shit-hole. Although, i am beginning to regret ever signing up for the IB program... so much extra work! The thing about the IB program that really gets me going, is that not even 1/4 of the colleges in the state accept their credit AT ALL. Not to mention, a majority of those only accept higher level testing... :( Unless i decide to sacrifice my well-being and throw myself down to Florida, where just having an IB diploma earns me a place as a sophmore instead of a freshman! I have to admit, that would be sweet as hell, but also, hot and humid as hell... I might just do my first year or two there, and transfer out later, but im not exactly sure if that would work or not... we'll see... Well, my school library is getting just about as hot as it is outside, with all these vertically challenged freshmen terrorizing the place. Almost 1000 new freshmen this year! Its difficult to drive outta here with all these kids blocking the way!

...well... it's 40 extra bonus points to hit a freshman, but im in a giving mood, so i won't partake in the game today...

[Solmyre]

Alright... to burn of my procrastination time, i shall write in here...

-Why is it that some people are so cruel, insensitive, and down right churlish? I mean, here in the states especially, people are so self-absorbed, they cannot take one second to take their big fat heads out of their bigger fatter asses, and view the world in a different angle, rather than straight up their own ass, feces-hunting...
-Today was the first time my Micro Economics class met. This gathering of "cerebral abnormalities" (hint: note the sarcasm), had the task of finding a day that everybody could meet upon. Remember: this is a 3 hour long class... Only 3 contradictions faced my schedule, Tuesdays were just about impossible because of the IB Studio Art class which met that day... Wednesdays and Fridays were out of the question, because they are my days off. I don't learn on those days--against company policy.
-When people started jumping up, running to the board, and writing "yes/no" and screaming under a crude column of days, i half expected the neanderthals to commence in a bloodthirsty stoning of Everybody Else. Nobody could agree on a day... These people are supposed to be honor students... IB/AP students, for crying out loud! They do Calculus AB their sophmore year, but they still do not understand the principals of a simple vote...
-After they bandied their "yesses" and "noses"--which was actually almost as entertaining as "seabiscuit" looks (fah!)--the teacher began a vote. So, contrary to my previous belief of the impossibility of having Micro Economics on Tuesdays, a good 90% of the people voted for that day. Since there were only 2 of us in Studio Art, we'd just have to get the class pushed back or drop it.

-Ok, so we moved around other peoples schedules: sports on a night, made that night a definate "no". Why should Sports be superior to academics? We had a class, and i don't care if the teacher still thinks she's in 3rd grade (and she looks like she's about 60 some), you cannot "have dibbs" on a day, especially since another class--IB Studio Art--has already reserved it. So, now the inhumanity continues...

-Last year, mondays were the day from hell... only because i had to stay at school untill 6. Thats nothing compared to this new schedule. Tuesdays are the day from hell this year... I have a zero hour; i get up at 5 in the morning, and class begins at 6:30. Each class goes by as slow as possible, just because our god is a cruel god... Each class is 1 and a half hours long (except for Statistics, which is my zero hour... its complicated). English, Government, and finally Bio 2... then i have enough time to run down to the Micro economics class... sit there for 3 hours. Get up, run all the way across campus (and it's not close) to the Art department... No break... no mercy. Where i must endure, yet another 3 hour class! So help me god, my tuesdays are 13 hours long... 13 long drawn out hours at school, with only one break--lunch, which is only about 50 minutes--and no . m e r c y ! ! ! !

-God, im really starting to dislike this block sheduling.... although i like having wednesdays and fridays off... except for that stupid ass zero hour!!! :mad:

-Trust me, there are going to be plenty of "angry as hell" posts of me later this year having spent a majority of the day at school.... well, its getting late, and i need to begin my homework... so long!

Edit: me at the end of tuesdays: mix :grumbles: and :shattered but remove the smiling.

[Solmyre]

Picture of the day (look hard):
Edit: it says "birthplace of clinton" on the side.

[Solmyre]

Wow, today was interesting, to say the least...

Well, i was in school today at about 3 in the afternoon (stupid Economics!!!!) when my cell phone rings. Its my dad. I cancle it, and send him a text message saying im in class. A few seconds later, it rings again, but this time, its my mom. I cancel it, and resend that same message to her. Not a minute later, it rings again, and guess who? It's my mom... again... so i canceled that one too... but she calls, AGAIN. So now i'm getting exhasperated, so i answer the phone, rudely telling her, stop fucking calling im in class. She just says, your grandpa died. I was speachless. I mean, he lives in the house behind mine, and i seem like every day... I was like, what? She repeated herself, "your grandpa died." That wasn't the scary part. I actually didn't feel upset. I didn't feel sad, unhappy, mournful... that scared me.
But then she added, "oh, but they resuscitated him, and he's fine now." Then he's not dead, is he? WORD CHOICE, WOMAN! Somehow, my mother cannot cease the grasp of the connotations words bring along with them... why couldn't she just have said: "Your grandpa's in the hospital... his heart stopped, but he's fine now"? :grumbles:

Emily Dickinson says it best in this poem:

The last Night that she lived
It was a Common Night
Except the Dying--this to us
Made Nature different

We noticed smallest things—
Things overlooked before
By this great light upon our Minds
Italicized--as ’twere

As We went out and in
Between Her final Room
And Rooms where Those to be alive
Tomorrow were, a Blame

That others could exist
While She must finish quite
A Jealousy for Her arose
So nearly infinite--

We waited while She passed--
It was a narrow time--
Too jostled were Our Souls to speak
At length the notice came.

She mentioned, and forgot--
Then lightly as a Reed
Bent to the Water, struggled scarce--
Consented, and was dead--

And We--We placed the Hair--
And drew the Head erect--
And then an awful leisure was
Our faith to regulate--

---Truely a great poem... I felt, not sorrow, but maybe indifference is the right word... I felt an enlightenment toward my own mortality.

I love how Emily (who shares a name with my current girlfriend (who i've been seeing for close to two years)) steps outside of the traditions, and instead of it being "a short time," it's "a narrow time," and where she says "We went out and in." Not to mention she uses light to symbolize death, which has adopted darkness as its true form since like.... ever...That just tickles me...

Don't get me going on this poem, i could talk about it for hours!!!

[Solmyre]

Ok kids, you know what time it is!!!!!! It's time for the *drumroll*...............Picture of the Day!!!!!!!!!

[Solmyre]

I can hardly sleep, every time i fall asleep all i see is her crying. I wake up crying. I can't eat. Everything i put in my mouth tastes like dust. Even if i swallow, i'm lucky if it stays in my stomach. This constant migrane never goes away... My finger, which harbored the symbol of my love is bruised. My skin hurts. All because of something i can never put to words.

Last night i dreamt it was all just a bad dream. Everything was fine. I dreamt that we went to go shop for knives. The knife you bought was spent on my heart, your tears were blood. My tears were acid. I kept asking 'why?' 'why?'.... all you could say is: "an eye for an eye; heart for a heart."

I drove to the mexican border today, to view freedom. She hates me. She doesn't understand, and she deserves to. I wish i could put words to it--i pray to this unknown god for words. I wish it was as simple as crossing the border. I cannot cross. I cannot tell her my mind. She hates me. After 2 long years of laughter and love, all i can say is "im so sorry..."

I wish this could all be put behind. I wish this never happened. I wish i could find answers. I wish She would understand. I wish i wasn't an idiot. I wish...

I can still smell her hair. I close my eyes, and her wonderful scent fills the room. I can never escape her. She's always there.

"it is such a secret place, the land of tears"

[Solmyre]

i spent all day, save the 30 minutes that i came home and typed the previous post up, in my car. Actually, i also spent an hour pushing it.

i feel so alone. I am in a bubble. My own bubble that keeps everybody away.

i hate my parents. They don't understand. Their so consumed by their oldfashioned ways. "Now you'll understand love songs." As if i didn't before. They will never understand what we had. And i hate them for it.

I hate my brother. He totally fucked me over today, so i won't even begin, because i'll never stop.

I hate myself....

[Solmyre]

i hate happy couples. They need to die because they have what i had and i threw away.
i hate poh'pohs.
i hate sinusitis.
i hate school.
i hate the administration at my school.
i hate technology.
i hate all the little things.
i hate being haunted.
i hate hating.

i hate how every song that plays randomly on my playlist was important in our relationship.
i hate how every song reminds me of you... Dashboard...soco...jason...311...brand new... tbs...Five Iron Frenzy-dandilions...eve 6...pepper (who you always hated)...rufio...sublime...the ataris...the used...damien rice.

i hate the good times, and the bad.
i hate everything.
i hate the loss of words.


i love you, emily...even if you cannot see it.


if you ever think this was easy for me, think again. i cried just as hard as you did. i cried the entire way home. i cried when i didn't even leave my car. i cried when i drove of to a remote area in my neighborhood and cried. i cried there untill i cried some more. i cried when i tried to find consoling. i cried at my failed attempts.
i hate failed attempts.

[Solmyre]

im still crying.

[Solmyre]

[Solmyre]

i ate today. actually, i should say that i ate all day. I cheated all day and acheiving aided states of minds...all day.

had the knife dream again last night, now that i think about it. I don't want to go to bed...i know i'll have that dream again.

you're always there. in every wisp of smoke, i see your face. "sucks" doesn't even begin to describe this. every day i feel like i've made the biggest mistake of my life.

this has been the longest weekend ever. at least i'll have things to do during the week, instead of mope...even if its school work.



very very very many braincells were harmed/injured in the making of this day.

[Solmyre]

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

[Solmyre]

new dream tonight.

chapel dream again, but this time with modifications. Emily was there, and she saved me from the demons.

i wish i could save her from how she must feel. i wish she could save me...i wish we would...

[Solmyre]

every time i see you online, i just sit there with the box open. i write passages proclaiming my love, but i never send them.

[Solmyre]

and you messaged me. I didn't know what to say. "sorry" doesn't even begin to describe it. what am i going to do? what am i going to do?

[Solmyre]

"this is the roughest thing i've ever been through. getting through every day is just horrible. crying myself to sleep is something i don't like getting accustomed to. i love you so much. and i wish that i knew why you wanted this. because all i want right now is for you to come over and squeeze me. and kiss me. but i know thats not going to happen. i just wish that this was a mistake. i'm not sure if you think it was. i love you and miss you. that goes for my fam too. call me, text me, im me. i'll always be here. i love you. goodnight"

the certainty hurts. worse than any knife, dull or not.

the feeling is mutual: the squeezing, the kissing, and the missing...

god... i'm one of those people i hate.

[Solmyre]

it has been months since i've touched you. I see you everywhere. In my dreams, at my school (which you do not attend (and it's not fake this time)), in other cars. Whenever i sit down to a solitary meal, you really are there...laughing at my lame jokes, and adoring jason and andrew, just as before. if this was how it was supposed to be, then why does it hurt so much?

[Solmyre]

she thinks i don't miss her. she thinks im glad she's gone. she thinks i don't love her. she thinks that we would still be together if any of the above applied.

she has no idea how hard it was. she doesn't know how difficult it still is. doing something you aren't sure of. especially if you are me. i cannot make choices. i am choice-impaired. and she thinks i don't miss her... i know i do. i don't care if she sees it, i know its true. and thats all that matters, right? right? :(

[Solmyre]

i dont think she knows how hard it is to keep myself from running down to her right now, begging for forgiveness... just to hold her, to squeeze her... to kiss her...

i miss her.


edit: "miss" doesn't even begin to describe the feelings of longing... this is what drug withdrawl must be like. the physical need...












I AM A FUCKING MORON!

[Solmyre]

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keyboard mashing...had to let some steam out.

[Solmyre]

and its all over... this whole ordeal is done. it took too much pot and too much time. Not to mention too much pain. Really cramped for time right now, so i'll write more in later...

[Solmyre]

This is lunacy! Today, i got withdrawn from my 3rd hour IB govt/free ent. class for senior credit checks. After waiting in line for a good half an hour, my counselor is finally prepared to see me. apparently, after seeing my counselor, i now need Safety Ed. Somehow i fail to see the significance of this class. Sure, i think its a good principle, giving disadvantaged childen a chance to learn how to drive, who cannot afford expensive private classes. But i can afford it. I have taken this private class with POLICE officers teaching us, rather than some crack-head teacher. Not to mention i passed the drivers test a long time ago, and have been driving for almost a year and a half (seems like much longer). Lets do some math. I drive between 500-1000 miles each week. 365 days, add half a year, (182.5). That equals 547.5, which is devided by 7, which makes 78.21428.... The median between 500 & 1000 is 750. So 78.21428 is multiplied by 750, and you get 58,660.71428571428571428714285714 miles (decimal place is back so far just to spite sig figs (i hate you sigfigs!!!)).

So, having driven almost 60,000 miles, they want me to take a basic driving safety class? The earth's Circumference is some 25,500 miles. So, i have driven around the earth more than twice. The inanity of this is far off the charts. I woulnd't be so ticked off if they had brought this up at the beginning of the year, but we've been in school almost a quarter, why now? I have to return to school from my lunch break right now, so i'll continue this thought later...

[Solmyre]

IB is a joke. Whats the point of putting in hundreds of extra hours, for IB when the colleges i will most likely go to will not accept anything other than supremely high scores in Higher Level (which i only have a few of). The only class I am actually enjoying is IB Studio Art, and that's just because it's fun as hell :). Mrs. Boyle is by far the coolest teacher I have :D.

Edgefest was bad ass. Here's a section of who played (there were, i beleive, 32 bands total).

Bad Religion
Dashboard Confessional
The Used
Adema
Authority Zero
MXPX
The Format
Taking Back Sunday
Rooney
Yellowcar
Smile Empty Soul
Denver Harbor
Saves the Day
Vendetta Red
Trik Turner
Divit
Story of the Year
Count the Stars
Brand New
IMA Robot

it kicked ass.