Tell me what u think on my first 2 chapters of my 1st novel!!

[Crix]

Hey Channellers, Warders, Chosen, Aes Sedai, Gleemen, Peddlers, Mydraal, Trollocs, Worms, and Redarms!!

Hey i always wanted to write a fantasy novel. But i never got around to it. Then one day i tried a few lines, soon i was lost in another world and i had a whole host of ideas and i started writing .......Please read this and tell me what I can do to improve like Din has.......


Cheers

Open the Attachment using Microsoft Word or similar program

[TRUTH]

It didn't open for me and I can't figure out why. :(

I'll try again tomorrow.

[Dingdin]

I read your story, I think it has potential. I'll pm you my critique...

[Crix]

Thanks for the critique Din if everyone who views this post here is the draft:

Storm clouds marred the skyline surrounding the Halraag Mountains. The light reflected of the snow tipped peaks of the Halraag resulting in a beautiful paradox of colours as the evermother, the sun, shed her last rays for the day. Soon it would be darksun’s turn to shine in the early autumn dusk. Darksun, the eternal sister of the evermother, was in the crescent stage of its’ monthly cycle.
The forest of Nadilfia surrounded the great stone behemoth chain that extended from Tyn Anar the dwarven capital in the northeast, to the edge of the great Forest River the Everwine further to the south.

The burst of sunlight through the depressed sky stole Mejannis’s thoughts and the paladin let his eyes soak in the beauty of the setting sun on the coast of Nadilfia. From a distance he did not look like someone who warranted attention. His red cloak was damp with rain and snow, hood pulled low over his head to avoid the biting winter wind. But on closer inspection muscles crisscrossed with old battle scars and the perpetual grim expression of one who has seen many fights and never been bested was painted all over the paladin’s profile.


Sighing, Mejannis resumed his walk east towards his long missed home silently longing for some of his sister’s gourmet fried chicken.
He was somewhat surprised on how he was sort of kind of looking forward to seeing his family again. Mejannis knew that eight years was a long time between social calls and this family get-together could very well turn out ugly. His parents had never really accepted their son whose life was planned out for him as a son of a wealthy family running away to become an adventurer! The dark haired Yvonishman considered the possibilities and shrugged indifferently. What did it matter if his family rejected him anyway the paladin thought. These matters were sacrificed when he took the vows of the life of a paladin. He wondered if they would even recognize him in his current attire. He was an imposing site with his ancient Callic Armor, muscles rippling from hardship and battles and the way he moved suggested he knew how to use the great ornamental sword strapped to his back. Yes he had earned a reputation as a fearsome warrior and mercenary but at what cost? Surely he would have had a good life as a wealthy landowner married off to any girl of his choosing. But deep inside Mejannis knew whatever price he had paid to be a paladin, whatever sacrifices he had made choosing his career was all worth it. Regrets, he had had a few, but never would he have chosen the life his parents had planned out for him. The only real reason he was coming back was his beloved sister. Since his parents had been busy in with financial matters and attending prestigious events like the emperor’s coronation, Mejannis and his sister Rynna had been largely left alone to play with each other. As such they had developed a strong love for each other and become inseparable since their early childhood. He had missed her a lot since his sojourn for adventure all those years ago and now excitement coursed through his veins at his eventual meeting with this sibling. What would he say to her? Would she hate him? Would she even want to see him? What if she wasn’t there anymore? He decided then and there that he would find her even if she were on the other side of the world just to say that he was sorry to have left, that he missed her and that he loved her. Emotions swirled through his head like the spell components wizards brewed to mix their potent potions and spells. He decided to think on this later and concentrate on the moment as the myriad of feelings threatened to overcome him with emotions hidden deep within his inner being for all these years.

Mejannis clasped his red cloak closer together and continued down the road, which lead up into several paths to the Halraag Mountains. Eventually the paths would join together at Wayfarer Pass, which wound up through the Halraag and beyond into Yvon. The town of Minsk, which was the paladin’s destination, lay north on the other side of the Halraag Mountains. The Tillara Woods was a magical forest that lay at the eastern end of Wayfarer Pass.
There in the magical forest was the ancient tower Magi Lai. The Order of the Sparrow was the conclave of wizards and mages that made their home in Magi Lai tower somewhere in the woods. The sparrowcloaks as they were called worked for the cause of good in the world and consequently were rumoured to help people who would get lost in the magical forest. They warned many a traveller of the dangers of wandering in the forest wanderers in need. Superstitious locals however didn’t see it that way however and as such there were terrible rumours circulating in local villages and towns about the sparrowcloaks and their evil sorcerous experiments and demon summoning magic.
Mejannis who was close friends with a sparrowcloak knew differently. Mejannis shook his head and laughed in cruel irony. The local people unwittingly spread false rumours about the Order of the Sparrow and yet if the surrounding villages and towns were ever in peril, the sparrowcloaks would be first to take up their staves and wands in defence of the people. This and the fact that the Order was the only real protection the people had in the very unlikely case of an attack. A couple of archmages from Magi Lai would be enough to a stop a sizeable army it it’s tracks if it ever managed to come close to the Tillara Woods. The paladin who had seen his sparrowcloak friend in action shivered involuntarily when he realised the amount of power that would be unleashed in an unlikely event of a meeting between a invading horde and a couple of angry powerful archmages…
‘Hah!’ Mejannis exclaimed aloud, ‘When the gods die’; the paladin muttered quoting a famous Yvonish saying. Although Mejannis tolerated them, the paladin didn’t have much use for wizards, inwardly sharing a bit of the superstition of his people.
The paladin, whose life revolved around disciple, honor, and chivalry, thought wizards generally nerdy and cowardly. To Mejannis any form of hand to hand combat was the only true form of combat. Muttering a few words and gesturing wasn’t very noble or honest in the paladin’s vocabulary and subsequently Mejannis thought of magic as way of cheating to get things done. Pushing these thoughts to a more remote part of his mind, the Yvonishman continued on the road through the Nadilfian forest.

Finally several hours later, the paladin reached the foot of Wanderer Pass. The Yvonishman decided to camp at a clearing thirty or so yards from the pass in the forest. Wanderer Pass was known to be inhabited by several nocturnal species of giants who were rumoured to come out at midnight and play great games of stones throughout the night through to dawn. The explosions of rock which resulting from several giants hurling Gargantuan pieces of stone caused mini earthquakes and the echoes could be heard from miles away. Apparently the monstrosities had one huge eye in their foreheads which meant that their aiming was fairly inaccurate. Great screams of anger and frustration could be heard in the winds following a particularly uninspiring throw.

The night passed uneventfully, though the paladin felt the tremor and crashing of huge rocks in the early hours of the morning. Having a light breakfast Mejannis decided to try to make the trek across the Halraag before nightfall and to reach Minsk sometime after dusk if his luck held. He knew these parts pretty well even after all these years and was confident of navigating through the treacherous wanderer pass to reach the other side of the Halraag. The day wore on quickly and Mejannis started to contemplate maybe he had avoided trouble when he was rudely interrupted from this thoughts…

“Halt! You pass through Mhroog’s Gate and you pay me gold to pass!” came a harsh deep booming voice from around the corner of the road as it wound its way up the mountains.

Mejannis looked up slowly to see this huge Giant blocking the way through the pass. He was an exceptionally ugly giant with braided red hair and mismatched armor and the hugest club …no that thing wasn’t a club … a tree for a club in one hand. Coming within ten feet and the paladin realized in disgust that this thing probably hadn’t had a bathe in a few hundred years.

“Stop I said human!!” bellowed the brute.
Mejannis quietly threw his cloak over his shoulder and dropped his pack. He knew he was too tired to run even if he wanted to and it was better to survey the scene to contemplate his next course of action. His fingers twitched in eagerness to find his blade but the paladin stayed his hand trying another approach.
“You are the mighty Mhroog? Indeed O Great One the tales speak truth! I heard you killed the great dragon Alcamaraghoran with one swing of that club?” shouted the paladin.

“Dr-dragon? You heard o me? Tales? Uhrrr—err- YES!! I KILLED BIG DRAGON with one swing of my clu--DRAGONSLAYER ….you see?” Mejannis nodded, “AND I AM GREAT Hero even of the little peoples ….OK now you give the great Mhroog Dragonslayer all your gold and I let you live!!’’ The beast grinned slyly and shifted the weight from one foot to the other feeling positively superior in intellect and sheer size.



“check the attachment in the introduction post to see the entire piece of work i did)

[Madeleine]

I think you're off to a good start, and we can really feel with your Mejannis as we're told his story. As every author, you will need to rework your sentences so that they are more fluid, and do grammar checks with someone other than yourself :). There are a few missing commas and some excessive words that are left-overs from your editing, but if you sit down and go through every sentence as if you had never read it (that is, read every word) you'll notice such mistakes.
The Creator knows I've done many such mistakes, just because I read what was supposed to be there, instead of reading what was actually there ;). That goes for pauses without commas too. You know they should be there, we don't.

I could also advise you to go to Epilogue's lessons here (http://www.epilogue.net/stories/tech/). They're really good, especially when starting out :).