The nDee show...

[nDee]

Welcome my friends to the show that never ends….

I have been taking my time with posting my first post, as I feel it should be one of importance. I never have been much of a writer of words. It took a little time to get the feel of the community (while being called a ‘lurker’) and what is common writing technique and etiquette. Here is where I shall inflict…. Me upon you.

I only know a small armful of people personally on Wotism, but I think all of you are cool. Since it is well known that people SUCK, this shall be my outlet and I will be rambling quite a bit. Some things you will understand, some you will surely will not. Feel free to PM me any questions or comments about what will be exposed here. And yes, that is a picture of me for my avatar...

…on with the show…

[nDee]

As described in my introduction, I’m no writer, I’m a musician. I don’t write very good lyrics so I write the music. That’s my bass player’s job (Jay). However, every few years I DO write some words that actually make it to song. The following is my last FULL contribution lyrically:
*******
Lost
(1996)

It seems I’m not as lucky as I thought
Too much to ask for to hope to receive
I may have overstepped my reach
And overlooked the boundaries that

Always surround me

But now I try to keep my mouth shut
It’s not worth the effort to be misunderstood
From now on the best that I can do
Is flow with the tide and try

To keep my head above it all
And try not to sink
Beneath the waves of a cold sea
That try to pull me under

I can’t remember it all
But I have to keep myself
From getting lost

I can’t remember

I can remember it all
But I have to keep myself
From getting lost again
*******
This is the first and last time I wrote a song for/about someone. Writing this particular tune (and performing it) was extremely difficult as the person never knew about it. While I may currently write certain verses or fill in a chorus here and there, it is in a general narrative rather than personal feeling.

While I do (try) to connect and feel with the words that Jay writes, it's more like an interpretation. But I don't (usually) get as emotionally attached to those songs as I did with this one.

Music is my life. It is my every move, every feeling. You will find me quoting songs throughout this thread as punctuation. Perhaps to convey a feeling or idea that otherwise I cannot communicate.

[nDee]

People suck...

Perhaps the most overused, yet accurate, cliche around. It's nothing new to me and I certainly aren't young or naive enough to believe otherwise. Maybe I just forget or maybe I have more faith in people. I have the general misconception of trusting people. I have long enough periods of depression that all of a sudden, I spill my guts. This is where I am now; the spilling of guts part.

I have issues. We all do and I don't mean to diminish anyone else's by crying about mine. I just know what I feel and what I do to cope with that. While I have issues that go back to school days (this will be covered later), I have my present life; which I don't like. Without getting into details, let's just say I've had a pretty rough couple of months.

...i think it's gonna rain when i die...

Thursday I had issues with this one group of 'friends' that I have. I have friends that are local (Jediwan, Nightfairy) and I have friends through the band. The latter was the problem. Also without getting into too much detail, let's just say they let me down. I didn't do my little "dance" for them. You see, I do karaoke on Thursdays and they all expected me to do my thing, which is to be the clown. This one time I needed to NOT be the clown and chill with a friend and talk.

This was not taken well by the group. If over the four hours or so that I got to talk.... I might have had about 30 minutes of actual conversation due to interruptions aplenty. Whatever. No biggie. But afterwards, it was clear that everyone was freaked out by this and demanded answers to what was up. I know that this doesn't sound big... I left stuff out though, trust me.

On the way home during the week, I became suddenly very depressed about life again. I wondered if anyone would care if I had just died. Not in a suicidal way, mind you, just a kind of... "What if?" Who would really care? Would I really be missed? Who would bother to come to my funeral? Would anyone even be affected? I didn't come up with much.... **I do however have two people in my life that I can talk to pretty much without fail. One person I know understands me totally(I think... :) ) and the other I can trust with my life.**

It doesn't make me feel any better. Just perhaps a little more empty inside. But I guess it keeps things a little more real, y'know? Like if I just stay numb inside, then I can't get hurt again.

At least that's what got me through the 90's!

I Have Been Guilty
Of Kicking Myself In The Teeth
I Will Speak No More
Of My Feelings Beneath

[nDee]

So!

OK, enough of the doom & gloom segments for now. (Holy crap! I even depress myself!) I figure it's high-time to get this train a-rollin'. So.... I figure I'll let you in on my current musical projects. Well... solo projects, anyway:

1) I hope to be collaborating, in a sense, with Nightfairy on something. Perhaps if she likes it, you might find a link posted here. (ETA: I need to do vocals. Don't hold your breath)

2) I will be doing a little improv/spontaneous writing with a talented singer/friend of mine. She runs the spectrum between classic ballad to Delta blues. Seriously. Links will probably be posted 'cause I say so. (ETA: Need to record it. Just reformatted. Hopefully soon.)

3) My always never ending self-jams could produce anything. I drop some live drums, add some bass, some guitar.... sometimes it's a song, sometimes not.
*******
On another note (pun intended) I thought that my last post might have gone over the edge a tad. Then I read more of Mindphone's "run fly sink" and apparently I have no fucking clue what an edge is. MP, you're a genius. A mad genius... but a genius. You're the kind of sick fuck that made me not want to write because I suck. But at least I know now where the bar is set.... I think.

[nDee]

Yesterday
(Lennon/McCartney)

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half to man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know she woldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

[nDee]

Rhetorical questions:

What the fuck? What time is it? Why do I do this to myself? What the hell is this scar from? What is the square root of pi? Do I look fat in this? How the hell did that song go? Why don’t I ever see a movie that someone asks me about? Why do I sit in traffic for four hours a day, minimum? Why doesn’t anyone like me? What the hell have I? If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, what would happen? Hasn’t everyone heard that before? How long will this go on?

Are we really alive? Are we trapped in a dream? What if the dreamer awakens? Did you ever look into a puddle and wonder who is the reflection? Is anyone still reading this? Am I too old? Am I too young? What is the meaning? What if? What the? How long will it take for me to understand? Why me? Why not? Can I get a witness? Am I crazy? When I close my eyes, what are those things I see floating? Why are we born just to die? Why? If you’re in a falling elevator, and you jump just as you hit the ground will you escape injury? What’s that smell? Why are my feet and hands way to large for the proportion of my body? Why kan’t I spel? Can I BE any more corny?

I think I’ve gone on long enough, don’t you?

[nDee]

Possibly the coolest night of my life…
or… Two of the BEST quotes EVER!

OK, as I have mentioned before, I do karaoke on Thursdays. Perhaps considered a little corny, granted, but I don’t just stand up there either. I try to put on a show. Whether it’s an impression of the person or just a spirited performance. It also serves as a bit of therapy because I am usually “telling” somebody something. There’s always a message to be found (unless it’s a requested duet with someone)… it’s Kar-e-therapy! (thanks, nf…)

Anyway, a lot of my friends come down (see: people suck) and we all have a great ol’ drinkin’, singin’, flirtin’ good time. Well, after some drinkin’ and after some singin’ there was some flirtin’. **Now this isn’t a bragging post by any means. I really and truly hate myself… there’s a punchline coming….trust me.** Two of my more attractive female friends begin to ‘hit’ on me simultaneously. Then begin to ‘fight’ over me. One then suggests that they share me. The other says: “Fine, you want the top half or the bottom?”

COOLEST QUOTE #1
“The left.”

I damn near shit myself at the utter coolness and timing of that line. So, my head is spinning at the prospect but I also know (at least I think I know…) that no one is serious and that’s fine. Well no sooner than one girl walks away, another walks over.
“You know,” she says. “We should just have a three-way.” (Notice that this is not listed as quote #2)
“That’s funny. She just said the same thing!” pointing at girl #1.
“We’ll just see about that!” she says.
Now all three girls (are you still with me?) start to ‘fight’ over which two gets me. Someone just then says: “Why don’t we all get a piece of him? There’s enough to go around!” At which point someone says ‘foursome’ and another says ‘orgy’. Then, right at the perfect moment, yet another girl says:

COOLEST QUOTE #2
“Menage a QUAD!”

This rocked harder than ANYTHING that I have heard before! Everyone was in hysterics and we all had a good time. My ass was then grabbed and I was thrown on the pool table. Nothing else happened, but I thought you would all enjoy my little story telling penache.

Anything else cannot be printed to protect those who think they’re innocent.

[nDee]

*******
Alice In Chains
Nutshell

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead
*******

I am having very bad days... Sometimes I sit and just wonder... why?

...i really wish i could write so i could convey how much i hate life sometimes...

[nDee]

Progress report

New update for the song that I am not collaborating with Nightfairy on. (Apparently, you need to both work on it simultaneously to collaborate :rolleyes: ) I have the first minute and eleven seconds done and so far I got a thumbs up from NF. ~does extreme dance of joy~ I would have more done as I type this, (or instead of typing this) but my throat is ravaged by much coughing up of lung bits. As soon as my voice will allow, I shall continue. Stay tuned...

No other updates to any other projects. Except that the band (Clocktower) finally got back to playing tonight since our hiatus. We took a little time off since the death of (drummer) Joe's father on Sept. 27. We played a couple songs and things went well. New songs and recordings should follow shortly.

*******
By the way, I apologize for my stark contrast in posts. I just read the whole thread back and I see that I'm happy, then I'm sad, happy, sad. Unfortunately that's the way I am. Bear with me.

Thanks to MindPhone for the chat last night. I needed that, dude.
*******

[nDee]

As I am not a very happy person right now, I'm not going to post a rant today. Instead, I was about to scan some pics from my last show to post on my website and I came across a pic that made me happy: My double-neck guitar!

This beast is of my own design and partially built with my own hands. It's name is Fenris. (yes, it has a name..) This is a solid piece of mohagony with two Epiphone mid-70's 12-string necks. Close inspection of the necks (pic is too blurry) reveals a 'zero fret' which is a fret just in front of the nut near the headstock. Very odd. The top neck is a 12 string and the bottom is a 12 string neck, sawed off into a six. The necks are purposely angled out for a smaller body. The 12 string bridge is of my own design since an electric 12 string bridge is expensive!! The electronics allow for both necks to be played simultaneously as seen on my website pics. (Me and Jay doing 'Wish You Were Here' on one guitar and one mic!)

That's it. Here's my pride and joy...

[nDee]

Sorry for my distinct lack of keeping up with this thread. It was supposed to be a source of release and sanity for me. Unfortunately, I haven't had the drive lately to keep up as I have been rather insane as of late. Soooooo.... I shall serve up one of my favorite things... Lyrics! WOO!

BOOT CAMP
Soundgarden

I must obey the rules
I must be tame and cool
No staring at the clouds
I must stay on the ground
In clusters of the mice
The smoke is in our eyes
Like babies on display
Like angels in a cage
I must be pure and true
I must contain my views
There must be something else
There must be something good
Far away
Far away from here
Leaving here for good
For good