Midnight Musings...

[nightfairy]

One Year Later

It’s almost September 11th 2002. One year later. In New York, downstate, people are going about their day-to-day lives. There is a nervous tension pervasive throughout, though.

It may be a fear or concern of things to come. What will happen on 9/11/02? Will there be a 9/11 Part II invasion? We have been very good at pushing our feelings aside for the past months and on September 11th; we can no longer hide from our own emotions. Of course, the media is documenting everything. Every day for the past week, there has been a 9/11 documentary of one sort or another. The building & collapse of the Towers. Those lost, those who survived. Heroes. Plans for the memorial. The only way to not watch is to turn the TV off altogether. It is inescapable. If one doesn’t watch it, one hears about it the next day at work or school. Even the TV Guide printed a story on those media reporters who were there, those who weren’t, those who reevaluated their lives & careers because of it.

I find myself getting teary all over again. I haven’t gotten emotional over “The Events of September Eleventh” since September. But now….
It still hurts. It hurts ME. Personally. I wasn’t there, didn’t lose any person close to me. But I smelt the smoke from my apartment that day. Although it was a beautiful blue-skied day, my dog hid in the closet the entire day. All of New York was hit that day. Hit with a reality we were not prepared to face. We are vulnerable. We are mortal. We are a target.

And while we continue to live our lives, there are holes. People missing forever. A skyline that will be forever scarred. And the babies. Many men who died that day left behind pregnant wives. All those babies have now been born. All those babies without fathers. All those children without parents. We are a state full of holes. We will survive; we will go on with our lives, eventually pulling the blinds over our fears permanently, for surely none can live in acute awareness of his own mortality. But we will carry these scars for the rest of our lives. And we will need no memorial to do it. We will remember every year at this time. The memorial will be for the others. In the paraphrased words of one journalist, the memorial will be for those to come. So they may say, ‘ I was not alive on September 11, 2001. But I remember. ‘

[nightfairy]

9/10/02

September tenth
The beginning or the end?
One year past
One year trapped
Broken in pieces and crushed to dust
Empty and swollen with asbestos and hush

One year later
One year gone
Now we’re mortal
Hear our song
Now we know
Our city can fail
Our city can fall
Our city is frail

We are smothered in soundbytes
Mired in media
Inundated with images
Barraged with bullshit

How can we face this day again?
How can I disguise my tears?
Cant we rename the date, change the calendars?
I cant face this year after year

[nightfairy]

ok, I shouldnt have started this thread when I did cause it makes it seem like I'm one of those 9/11 junkies, which I'm not, but it IS 9/11 again & I'm in NY so I'm entitled to my little... paranoid delusions or whatever.

/a takes deep breath
I cannot wait for it to be 9/12. This is all too painful. Someone's ripped our bandaids off & our wounds, while not fresh, are open and crude.

I cant seem to really close off my pain. I dont even think its my pain, I think it's leaking into the atmosphere from everyone here. Anyway, listening to the radio on the way to work, listening to replays of 9/11/01 footage & to current calls from folks calling in to share their experiences, to air their pain. I cried.

At work, I went into work mode & refused to watch the TV in the waiting room. Things were strained, but tolerable.

And now, the TV again. I cant release the tension in my muscles, my breath is heavy, my hands, a little shaky. Do we really have to have September 11th EVERY YEAR?

I cant wait for September 12th.

[nightfairy]

ok, this is probably the wrong time to be writing this, but I couldnt stand seeing 9/11 as my last post date. Well, I'm feeling a little serious right now.

There's a lot of stuff going on at work, and keeping it all on track is sometimes like keeping an alligator on a leash. Sometimes its going all according to plan, and then a couple hours later, I turn my back & its all off in another direction and I have to reign it in again. Add to that there's really noone there I feel I can really trust to be in on the secret, it's difficult. I have to get lots of people on the bus, so to speak, and need to know what each person feels about the parts that will affect them directly, so I know which ideas to pitch & which to reconfigurate. I can't tell everyone the whole idea, and cant trust anyone not to tell others, but cant let my supervisors think I'm going over their heads or stepping on their toes. :dozey: But this is the only way to make my job interesting again. I've been bored to tears there for way too long. Ok, end rant. With my friends, I'm on a 5 minute timelimit with workstuff. After 5 minutes, they buzz me out & I'm required to change topics. :rolleyes:

And in my personal life, I've been running around a whole lot since January, & I think I'm getting tired. I'm really looking forward to hibernating this winter for a bit of introspection & a bit of quiet. I hope it snows a lot!!! :D There's nothing like the silence of snow to quiet one's mind. But I dont want to rush through autumn, I always like that time of year, too.

My apartment complex put covers on the garbage cans, and now the squirrels dont come around as often. I miss them, they were fun to watch. They'd play, and scurry, and look at you tentitively. And they have wonderful tails. And the new babies every spring were adorable to watch, as they'd play amongst themselves & venture out of their trees for the first time & learn to run AWAY when I had my dog out, hehe. I miss them. :(

[nightfairy]

OK, this really fun thing happened to me the other day. Well, ok, maybe it didnt exactly happen TO me, but it happened and I was there.

When I left my car to go into work, I forgot to turn off my headlights so of course when I tried to leave work, my battery was dead. So I went back into the office & my boss, the Dr., said he'd give my car a jump, but he wouldnt use his $200,000 Ferrari to do it. :dozey: So I asked another coworker if we could use her car & she said sure, but asked the Dr if he knew HOW to do it. He of course scoffed & said of course, he's into racecars & things. (please note: apparently, being into racecars does NOT necessarily qualify one to jump batteries.)

So as we're crossing the street towards my car, there's this kid in the parking lot, rollerblading around. As we pop the hood, the kid comes over & sticks his head under the hood & goes, "whats the matter? what happened?" So we're like, just a dead battery, we're gonna give it a jump. And the kid's like "d'you know how? d'ya need help?" and my boss is like laughing & all like, "yeah, I know how what I'm doing, I got it." but the kid is not phased & just picks up the jumper cables & starts to put them on. So of course the jump didnt take, and I had to call AAA.

So as they're undoing the jumper cables & putting stuff away, the Dr. bends down & drops his glasses down the sewer drain. :rolleyes: So he's all like, those were my favorite pair of $300 glasses. The kid is like, "I'll get em" and proceeds to try to climb into the sewer. Of course, the gates prevented him getting in any further than his shoulder, and he borrowed my flashlight & kept at it. My boss told him if he could get them out, he'd give the kid $50, and eventually gave up & went home. I still had to wait for the AAA guy to tow me to the station.

So the kid kept at it, alternately finding various length & shaped sticks, and trying to pry the pothole cover off. In that time, I found out his name is James & he is 14. He has dark hair & gorgeous blue eyes. He had found a telephone pole nearby that was bent at an unusual angle & looked like it was about to fall over. He had propped it up with a metal bar he found & got someone to call the power authority to fix it. Thats why he was hanging around the parking lot, he was waiting for them to come & fix it.

After about 45 minutes, he got the glasses out! It was pretty funny. He shyly asks me, "Um, did he say he'd give me $5 if I could get them out?" and I'm like, "Hon, he said he'd give you $50 & he had 2 witnesses that heard him say it. You should bring them by the office tomorrow & he'll give you the money." Then James tells me he's afraid he'll lose them & asks me to take them in, but he'll come in to get the money another day. He also tells me he would've gotten the glasses out even without the reward.

Then, Suddenly, he sees something down the street. He exclaims, "Holy shit! Did you see that? That sign just fell down!" and he takes off to fix a streetsign that had blown down from nasty winds. I thought he was gone then, but he came back after to keep me company while I waited for the AAA guy.

So I said to him, "So what do you do, just wander around Mineola (the town where I work) fixing things & rescuing people?"

And James goes, (completely deadpan, I swear), "Naw... I um... dont know how to rescue people yet." and he nods, very seriously. He's just adorable, got this great almost-smirk all the time.

That was about a week ago. He came in to get his reward today. Good for him, I'm glad he came in. Hehe. He's a pip.

[nightfairy]

OH! BTW, this is a pic of the festival where Buckweet & I went early this summer. We camped way up in the top right part of the campgrounds. But I cant make out my tent in this pic, its too small. :cool:

(edit) er, top left of the campgrounds I mean :rolleyes: duh

[nightfairy]

ok, so I keep spending all this time in chat & leaving not enough time to catch up on the MB. I used to always catch up on the MB before going into chat as a rule, but lately some people (Mike, wendy) are in there & I want to catch them in chat before they leave for the night. And we all know once you're caught in chat, you cant leave for EVER.

Oh, and I meant to tell you guys, I'm really happy with the success of Reflections, I think its a really neat feature and everyone seems to have fun with it, plus it gives us a little extra insight into each other's personalities/lives which is cool. :cool:

But what I've noticed is lots of people saying things like, "probably noone's even reading this, but...."
Well, stop being silly chickens all of you, hehe, of course we're reading them. I'm reading them, anyway. :p

I think because the nature of these is that noone can post a reply, people sometimes think the writer may not want a reply. Or, as is the case with me, I see stuff people write, and start to send a pm in response, then say, 'oh, hell, I'll see... (archely, supuradam) in chat later anyway, I'll tell him then.' But then I forget later what I wanted to say or just get swept up in the river that is chat... *shurgs* oh well, anyway, we ARE interested, we ARE reading, so keep posting, I think these reflections are super neato & so are you guys. :D

[nightfairy]

ok, so my upstairs neighbor's girlfriend just had a baby yesterday. This is disconcerting on many levels.

My neighbor is divorced, he has 3 kids already ages 15-22. His oldest son lives with him (sort of), in that he sleeps on the couch when he's not sleeping at his band's studio. The girlfriend who had the baby doesnt live with my neighbor. And my neighbor, who is pretty cool & usually pretty forthcoming, never told us she was pregnant, it just, well, you know, at some point it becomes obvious.

So I'm assuming the kid is my neighbors only because she IS his girlfriend, but its just weird. When he told me she had the baby, he said "she had the baby" not "we had the baby" and when I asked what she had, it was, "She had a baby girl. She's happy, its just what she wanted". No we's in that sentence at all. And I was all weirded out, like, should I ask what she named it, or what they named it? The whole situation is just odd.

And another thing, I have to wonder, if it IS his baby, does this mean she & the baby will be living HERE now? I mean, he's right above me & its only a one bedroom apt. But I cant be like, "oh, thats great, but um... how does this affect ME? Will there be screaming baby all hours of the night?"

I mean my dog loves kids & gets very upset when babies are doing that exessive crying thing that babies do. She cocks her head to the side & paces nervously & looks at me like, "WHY is the baby crying? Why doesnt somebody DO something to make the baby stop crying? Something is very wrong here. WELL????" :umm:

[nightfairy]

ok, this is a gallery of pics from the festival Buckweet & I went to this summer, 4th of July weekend. These pics are not mine, they've been posted on the Terripin Presents website. The pages marked "Vibe Tribe" are the pics of fest-goers. I didnt see me or BW in there, but maybe he'll see something I missed. Hey, BW- they dont have pics of the weird midnight alien-train float thing, but I DOOOOOO :D

ok check it out:

http://www.terrapinpresents.net/gallery/gotv/2002/index.html

[nightfairy]

ok, so some people who work have lunch breaks, or coffee breaks or just... breaks. No such thing at my office. Yes, its illegal but that doesnt bother my employers any. On the up side, instead of working an 8 1/2 hour shift & getting paid for 8 hours, I only work 8 hours to get paid for 8 hours.

But I do have a very stressful job. Mostly its stressful because I care about what I do & therefore am concerned with doing things right, lawfully, well, and efficiently. I could do the job without the caring & reduce my stress level immensely, but thats not really who I am.

Anyway, since I dont get a break, every day after about 12:30 or so, I have one or two moments where my brain suddenly wakes up from its auto-pilot and goes, 'HEY! You've been on auto pilot for a few hours now. Pay attention to something else.' At this point, I get really unfocused & forget what I was just in the middle of doing.

At these moments, I have a sudden desire to talk to my coworkers about non work-related things like towels and gansta-speak. (pvt joke b/t me & the chattas ;) ) I would step outside to smoke a cigarette, but I dont smoke anymore. So sometimes, I check my voicemail on my cellphone. When I dont have any messages, I say "I'm not popular" :( and I go back to work. Sometimes, however, I Have messages and am therefore, popular. :) I hear "You have one new message" and I say "I am popular :)" I listen to my message, feel immediately better and a little refreshed, I often save the message(s) to listen to the next day, in case tomorrow I am unpopular again, and return to working. :dozey:

[nightfairy]

so, very weird things afoot.

I had this dream last night, very vivid, very odd.
Tom Cruise was my brother, and we had no parents, we were living with this aunt. And he was Tom Cruise, famous & the whole bit. Anyway, we kept trying to paint my room, but the walls were all messed up, irregular & stuff, so we had to like sand & prime & paint, and for one reason or another, we kept being pulled away from the job. Then at one point, I was in a hotel or something, I think I was working, and someone ran in screaming something incoherent, and looking for me. And they said Tom was in a car accident, and I freaked out completely and ran outside and then into the hospital and I was looking for him and people kept coming after me, trying to tell me what was going on, but I couldnt stop to listen, I was too freaked and looking for my brother, it was horrible. And finally someone told me he was in surgery, and I just remember this terrible fear & protectiveness and like I had to get to him. But I didnt get to him, I just woke up, spooked.

[nightfairy]

hmmm, I really want to chat tonight, but I'm rather sleepy & if I hop into chat now, I wont get out before 2. Stupid time. Grrr. And I cant believe Malcor forgot to get pics at the RenFest. Grrr. Stupid lack of photos. Perhaps it'll be nicer in dreamland, tonight. Oh, right, but I still have to put the laundry away. Grrr. Stupid laundry.

[nightfairy]

bad things. work needs to die. I need a goal. Boredom and self loathing make terrible bedfellows. I hate not being heard. I hate blathering on about my problems. At the same time, I Have problems and sometimes need to express my angst. And sometimes, try as I might, the poetry just does not come. All that comes are tears. But I refuse to give in to the hopelessness. And so pain begets rage and rage begets resentment and resentment is blamed on the self. Never start a sentence with a preposition. Anyone know what a preposition is anyway? And the next person who tells me I should have babies is gonna get a punch in the nose. Stupid living.

[nightfairy]

ok wendy: ~punches wendy in the face~ meh. :mad:

archely: that uni-avitar rocks socks :D

and who is the mastermind here who got me saying rocks socks?
I know it was one of you, so come out from hiding & pm me & let me know who I can blame.

(edit) Oh, and I forgot to tell you, I got AIM so now I can watch you guys play. teehee :)

[nightfairy]

Stupid new Medicare electronic billing software MANDATED :mad: by stupid HIPAA regulations. :grumbles: Cause why anyways stupid dumbheaded installation support people make me dumb!!! :furious: Cause why they ask me how come we have 5.0 instead of 6.0 and how am I supposed to know if 5.50 is the same as 5.5!!! :dozey: (its not, btw :rolleyes: ) and stupidheaded dialup connection set to disconnect after 15 minutes of inactivity makes extended download POOPYHEADEDLY DIFFICULT!!! :mad:

.... stupid work .... :dozey:

[nightfairy]

ok, first of all, I love you folks to death, but STOP HAILING ME TO CHAT the second I sign on. Please please please let me catch up on the MB first, cause you know after that you have my undivided attention in chat but if I go to chat first I never wind up catching up with the MB & the next thing I know I'm hopelessly lost & dont know when I read what last. >end rant<

ok, first of all, I'd like to send a shoutout to 2 for Tuesdays. *cheer424tuesdays* for those who arent privvy, some radiostations will play a double shot of every artist on tuesdays, & I think this just rocks socks! :)

another thing I must bitch about is the godforsaken electronic buzz that permeates my stupid life. here I am in a relatively peaceful apartment, just me & the dog, & what do I hear? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! :mad: its like this incessent humming, from lights & refrigerators & streetlights & boiler rooms & expressways & geez, it just sucks! I need to go camping. Or to Kansas. *nods*

oh, and I just read Demandreds latest reflections and it made me want to go post in some of the more serious threads in General Disc. which I have been avoiding the last couple of weeks which I normally never do, except for that I've been rather extrordinarily emotionally drained of late. But now I think I'm inspired to catch up on some of the juicy stuff, except that *again* I've been tricked into chat, so it must wait another day.

~remembers tomorrow's the wot rpg & she's got a lot to learn~

ok, maybe this weekend. :dozey:

[nightfairy]

Dont want to go to bed ~pouts~ NOT TIRED!!! :grumbles: ok, maybe I am tired, but I dont wanna go ta bed. ~shakes head emphatically~ Dont wanna, Dont wanna, Dont wanna. But noone's in chat. ~pouts some more~

[nightfairy]

hmmm, I always feel a bit guilty when I post here and its nowhere near midnight. *shurgs*

aaanyway.... So my parents called me on Friday to tell me they're making up their will & trust and they wanted to know if there's anything in particular of theirs that I want or dont want. It was weird. First of all, they are on the other side of the country. You know how there's prob'ly lots of little unremarkable but sentimental things that I'd probably want, but from all the way over here, I cant picture all their little things. I know there are some things, like my moms jewlery, that I wont use per se (I dont wear gold), but I'd like to keep in the family, and since I'm the only child, that means me. And I told them I want all their artwork, cause they have awesome paintings & things. I think my mom's gonna wind up emailing me pictures of all their stuff. :weird:
Plus I think they're gonna be buried in California, which is just weird cause mostly the whole family is here in NY. My mom said its difficult finding a cemetary that will take both of them since my mom's jewish & my dad's catholic.
But still, its good to get these things worked out now. My dad is ill, but I dont think what he's got will be fatal. But its not curable or managable, either. Still, its good to get things worked out now so when it comes time there wont be anything to decide. Still.... :weird:

[nightfairy]

uh-oh, The Rocky Horror Picture Show is playing on VH1. I really cant watch it without doing "lines" from the floorshow I used to frequent every friday & saturday when I was a teenager. ~gets all nostalgic~

ok, so... I went to see Garbage & No Doubt on Monday. I really like Garbage, and they sounded spectacular - deep and harsh and powerful. I totally want to be Shirley Manson when I grow up. She's sooooo awesome, and of course, gorgeous.
No Doubt was also way cool. While I thought Garbage sounded better (better audio techs?) there was no doubt (pun intended ;) ) that ND had a much better visual show. At times it was almost like they werent a musical band, but rather performance artists. They had a really good feel for the visual aspect of performing. The lighting techs were awesome, and each member of the band was FULL of energy - super props to the band for the impressive ability to jump up and down and keep the rhythm of the song. :) So all & all, I danced & sang & jumped up & down a lot & had a good time. Altho kids (concertgoers) today arent as into being a part of the experience of the concert as when I was growing up (and concertgoers were all headbangers ;) ). *shrugs*

[nightfairy]

mmmmmmmm..... Tim Curry as Dr. Franknfurter- jeez, that accent does terrible things to me.... mmmmmmmmm..... ;) :rolleyes:

[nightfairy]

ok there's a reason my friends dont allow me to talk about work for more than 5 minutes at a time, and this is it. I'm about to rant. Feel free to skip this post entirely. :)

Soooo lets see where do I begin? A few weeks ago we hired another badly needed employee and now my office manager (OM) doesnt have a place to sit with a computer. So my OM is now working out of the doctors office. The result of this is that everyone all day long is asking me questions. Now officially, I'm a billing manager, not an office manager, but since medical billing affects the entire office... well what I do & what I know coincides with everyone elses job, so its all intermingled & lines are fuzzy.

So a few months ago, our electronic billing software crashed & since Medicare was instituting a nationally mandated new software, my OM decided not to bother having the old software fixed, & just to install the new software. (Or more specifically, to have ME install the new software :dozey: ) So she sent away for it, which took several weeks, then began the nightmare of the installation.

(please stop reading here, its only painful stuff - run! save yourself!)
ok sooo... keep in mind that the only computer stuff I know is what I need to know ~has sudden inspiration of writing a "All I Need to Know I Learned at Wotism" book~ So I call the phone# that accompanied the installation disc for the installation instructions. I am on hold for 40 minutes before someone comes on the line to tell me I must schedule an appointment for the installation. I schedule an appointment for the following day at noon. The following day turned out to be a total nightmare, the phones were ringing off the hook all bloody day. At about a quarter to 12 I realized there was no way in hell the installation tech would be able to get thru on the phones & cursed myself for not giving them the back line. So I call again and again am holding for 45 minutes to finally reach a person who tells me that they dont make appointments for noon cause thats when the techs go on lunch. :mad: So I'm like well its a moot point now anyway, when CAN I make an appt for? and they make an appt for 3 that afternoon, with Antonio. So at 3:30, with no call from Antonio, I call back, wait another 35 minutes, and find out that Antonio left early, but they can have Nathan help me with the installation NOW. Finally. :) So Nathan helps me do the installation and we begin to log online to download the instructions on how to use the system because of course the techs dont know how its used, only how its installed :rolleyes: But wait! We cant log on because my bleedin' MODEM is OFFLINE!!! :Grr:
Turns out our phone line was disconnected due to the phone company's doing work outside. So we put a call in to the ph co & I had to call the installation guy back when the modem was online ... ~grumbles about waiting another 40 minutes on hold~ :dozey: So finally we got everything finished & I printed out the instructions on how to use the new software. Turns out, the "Instruction Manuel" is merely a guide that illustrates the softwares many features, but not how to USE THE BLOODY program!!!! :furious: ok I'm going to spare you the rest of this story, but you get the idea.

[nightfairy]

So because our electronic billing was off-line for that few months, we were extremely backlogged with the billing. Bills werent going out as quickly or efficiently, and therefore accounts receivables went down, the accountant was bitching, the doctors were bitching, everyone complained & noone cared about what the problem was. ("just fix it!")

So now the billing is up again, and since the stupid software doesnt let you submit everything outstanding for a specified time period, only everything outstanding OR a specified time period, I batched out EVERYTHING outstanding from the beginning of time. This was annoying because it printed 45 pages of problem bills for me to go thru and manually correct this or that & then resubmit individually (took about 3 days). Then... lo & behold, one day we received like $30,000 from Medicare. Just about 3x our average daily intake from all insurance companies combined) YAY! :) Except this means we now have to apply like a million payments on a million accounts into our computer. Boo! :( And while we are doing stupid payment-entry, we're NOT doing our usual jobs, the outgoing billing and the collections that bring the money in. And is only me & one other biller to do all this crap.

Which brings us back to today (see, I told you you didnt really want to read all this crap, if you have then ... *pins a gold star on you* You deserve this) So today as a result of the fact that my OM is no longer around, a million patients with a million stupid problems came in and everyone was asking me questions all day long about how to do this & what should they do about that. So I didnt even get much of my stupid payment-entry done so I could get back to my own bloody job, and my piles of papers are just getting bigger & bigger & bigger ~glares at piles~ :mad:

And another thing! Going to the doctors office without your insurance information is THE SAME as going to the grocery for some milk without your money. Why are people aghast when they are told they cannot see the doctor without their insurance info? You wouldnt tell the supermarket cashier that you'll call her later with your credit card number, and expect her to give you the milk. :grumbles:

[nightfairy]

First of all, a large apology to any and all of you who braved my last two entries. I'm so very, very sorry. ~looks ashamed~

Second of all, I've another blasted migraine. Ow.


Ow.



Ow.



Ow.



Ow.



~winces~ Ow. :cry:

[nightfairy]

Agh! I hate leaving terrible unpleasant posts like that as my last post. Hmph.

Anyway, do you ever think about your best friends, the ones you know in your gut will be with you for life, regardless of how circumstance and distance may try to seperate you, the ones who are as much a part of your family as your family? Do you ever try to figure out who will die first out of the lot of you, and who will be the one to watch all the others go, one by one? Hmmm.... I do. Hmmm.... we need a thoughtful smily. :)

[nightfairy]

ok this is really funny... I'm sitting here reviewing the MB & eating dinner, I'm like ravenous, and the phone rings. And I think, 'dammit, I'm eating I dont wanna talk on the phone'. So instead of "hello?" I answer the phone "Cant talk, food now" and I say it really fast & the person on the other end just hung up immediately, no hesitation at all. :D hehehe

[nightfairy]

ok so all the leaves are falling since its autumn, and the block around the corner from my place is covered in leaves, it looks like the streets are paved with golden. Its so cool, I'm gonna try to get a pic & post it, before they come & take it all away.

[nightfairy]

So my last boyfriend had lots of emotional issues. I told myself he was trying to work through them. In retrospect, I tell myself he was wanting to work through them but wasnt quite up to the work part of it.

The first year, maybe year 1/2 of our relationship was groovy. Lots of fun, very healthy relationship, lots of good stuff. Then it started downhill. Its amazing to me how 1 year of goodness will somehow sustain you for another 2 years of crap. In the end, it was 3 1/2 years, and the last 2 were a fookin waste. I think of all the guys I turned down cause I already had a boyfriend. Ouch.

Anyway, I always told myself I was committed to the relationship & I cared about the boy, and I would stick with it until it started to drag me down. If he wouldnt go to the party, I'd still go. I continued with my life the way I wanted to live it, and if he wanted to be a part of it that day, he was welcome to. But he got more & more depressed, more & more introverted.

On our third anniversary, I got us tickets to see Stomp on Broadway, we've both always wanted to go. I got all ready, went to his house, ready to pick him up and go. He's on the couch, playing video games, not even showered yet. I told him he needed to get ready, he told me to give him time. So I sat next to him & watched him play video games ..... time went on..... if we walk out the door right now we might still make it..... geez! Finally, I was like, you know I paid for these tickets! What the....
He ran upstairs and got some cash & paid me for the tickets, and I left. I then had to go home and explain to my parents why I didnt go to the show. Hehehe, you'd think that would be enough for me to break up with him, eh?

Anyway, I wont go into the whole story of why I did finally end it, but I will say this. I was blind to his abuses. He was never physically abusive, and seldom even verbally abusive. But he used to constantly question my decisions. It was like, I'd decide to junk my car, which needed a new transmission, and buy another car. He'd tell me I should have just gotten the transmission done. And when the car I'd bought to replace the old one broke, it was again, I told you you should have replaced the transmission on the old one. It was this constant second-guessing that demoralized me terribly. and I didnt even know it.

When we finally broke, I remember he said something, and I called him on it, I forget what it was, but he was trying to manipulate me & I was like, you're just trying to get me to do such & such, just quit it, will you? And he was silent for a moment and he said "Game over". And I was like, yeah, game fucking over.

Its unbelievable to me what we'll put ourselves through, and why. I cant imagine myself being attached to such a sorry boy for so long, its 2 years of my life I'll never get back. So to all of you out there, please, I implore you, dont waste your time. Dont settle. Hold out for happiness, and make your own in the meantime. Trust me.

[nightfairy]

I look out my window
and I see darkness
snapshots capture moments of reverence
but they all burned up in the fire
the monitor glows, a cold comfort
a promise that I'm not alone
a lie

[nightfairy]

ok, Val, you'll probably never see this, but I cant believe you saw The OakRidge Boys! ~is jealous~

[nightfairy]

Hehee.... : p

Main Entry: in·so·lent
Pronunciation: -s(&-)l&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin insolent-, insolens unaccustomed, overbearing, from in- + solens, present participle of solEre to be accustomed; perhaps akin to Latin sodalis comrade -- more at SIB
Date: 14th century
1 : insultingly contemptuous in speech or conduct : OVERBEARING
2 : exhibiting boldness or effrontery : IMPUDENT
- insolent noun
- in·so·lent·ly adverb

Main Entry: ef·fron·tery
Pronunciation: i-'fr&n-t&-rE, e-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ter·ies
Etymology: French effronterie, ultimately from Medieval Latin effront-, effrons shameless, from Latin ex- + front-, frons forehead
Date: 1697
: shameless boldness : INSOLENCE

[nightfairy]

~dances in darkness, happily~

I went to the boook stoooore, I went to the boook stoooore, I went to the boook stoooore :D

I got the COT and I found.... get this, this is a find and a half!!!...There's a new Sonja Blue book out!!! I had no clue, it came out in September and there was only one on the shelf! I'm soooo psyched!! :) I dont know what to read first :)

Thing is, I was thinking this while driving home tonight, I like to read really good things slowly. I like to really envelope myself in the world of the author. I sometimes dont let myself pick up a book I'm involved in for a few days just to make it last longer. Hehe, delayed gratification, I guess :rolleyes: Which, unfortunately means I wont be reading anything marked *spoiler* which really sucks cause I like to read everything on wotism. :grumbles: But reading a really good book is an experience in itself for me. I read in my bedroom late at night, surrounded by candlelight. I read in the bubblebath, all scented with buttermilk and dandilion, the water all hot and the window above the tub cracked just a bit to let out the steam and let in a cool breeze. In the summer, I read on a hillside, surrounded by green and a blue blue sky, or sitting under a shady tree. :) *sighs* :)

I was also thinking I never thought I had a pattern to reading WOT, but I do. Pattern: I mean to reread the series for a few months before the next book is due out. I dont get around to it. The next book comes out. I read it. :) Then I reread the series looking for several things that I inevitably forget half of by the time I've gotten to the end again. :rolleyes:

[nightfairy]

ok, all this *spoiler* stuff onsite is UNFAIR!!! < end rant >

[nightfairy]

it hurts. and I want to self medicate. I want to drink, and fuck, and sleep it all away. any combination of those will do nicely I think. I'm caught somewhere between rage and angst and someone's at the door and I dont know if its freedom or self loathing again ~goes off to cry herself to sleep~

[nightfairy]

MY HAPPY PLACE

[nightfairy]

I just got in a shipment of yummy rubyred grapefruits and super sweet n juicy honeybell tangelos- YUM-MY!

-Night "trying to beat the winter blues" Fairy

[nightfairy]

I think I'm fucked up. I'm stuck in this terrible melancholy, dipping regularly into deep dispair and laced intermittantly with sudden irrational spikes of happy mania. Its so easy to self-diagnose. Its just as easy to over-dramatize. I dont know what to think. I'm not quite sure what's real. I'm rather sure stress doesnt help & I've got a hefty helping of late. For example:

A brief synopsis of my day at work:
The other day a few coworkers were discussing some new candy: a Nestle's Crunch bar and a Snickers with almonds, and saying how they wanted to try them. So when I went to 7-11 last night for a slurpee I picked up 3 bars of each for everyone to share and try. When I brought them in, everyone had a complaint. Oh, trying to get us fat I see. Or, I dont like Nestle. :dozey: They all tried them later, tho. Bitches.

I work in a doctors office, for those of you who may not know this. In my office, for every case you get a new chart. (each workers compensation injury or car accident gets its own chart and private insurance goes into another) this is a retarded way of doing things cause none of the charts will have a patients complete medical history if he/she has more than one injury. Anyway, we have one patient who has had 4 workers comp injuries, but one of his charts got so extensive it had to be broken into two charts, so he's got 5 charts. 3 of them included a shoulder/neck injury that may or may not have been the same injury, reinjured over & over again, in 1994, 1996, and 1998. So for the past several years, we have been submitting bills (2 page detailed forms called C-4s) and not getting paid cause the Workers Comp Board of NY has been trying to determine which insurance company (the one covering his 94, 96 or 98 injury) should pay the bill. IE, which injury was the most responsible for his condition. This is a long and annoying and paper-filled process whereby everyone works and noone gets paid. :rolleyes: Anyway, they apparently finally made a decision, which is that one injury is 40% responsible, and each of the others was 30% responsible. This is called apportionment. So his cases were consolidated and apportioned and found in favor of the provider, which means we get paid for treatment rendered to date, by The Board and since apparently they decided he doesnt need further treatment, they have closed the case. But they left it open for symptomatic treatment, which means that if he has pain or whatever he can see the doctor and they'll pay for a visit. but they wont pay for treatment, or diagnostic procedures (MRI, physical therapy, pain management, etc). Hehe, try explaining this to someone who's not completely fluent in english. that's my job tomorrow ;). So TODAY I had to consolidate his cases into one chart, while writing in red all over the other charts stating DO NOT USE!!! cause we work with idiots who dont look so you have to write stuff 6 times if you want them to see it. Then I look to see what hasnt been paid, and I've got 24 service dates outstanding. So now that The Board has directed each of these insurance companies to pay us (40%, 30% and 30% respectively), I have to resubmit all the bills to each insurance companies. Yes, this means resubbing 2 forms for each of 24 services to 3 different companies. :dozey: Took my entire fucking day. So of course I didnt get a lot of my regular work done :dozey: Now, we CAN keep each form saved in the computer, the software is designed to do just that. but my manager doesnt want it done that way, she wants us only to keep the most recent form saved. Just cause. :dozey:

(edit) stupid spelling. hmph.

[nightfairy]

ok I just saw mindphone, Lord Semaj & Simon's posts in the poems thread. And I just HAD to join in. But I so didnt want to mess it up. I'm pretty content with my contribution, it came to me right away and I kept thinking its not what I wanted it to be, but then finally I thought I cant come up with anything better and I just KNEW this next line was meant for me so I went with it. Then I read it all over & now I think it does kind of fit better than I thought it would. It's SO COOL to be in the company of 3 of the best poets on wotism, I'm just tingling with the thrill of the company I keep. :) and a bit humbled, too.

[nightfairy]

ok all over the TV they're talking about how we're up to an orange terrorism alert, how the country is putting its troops into place, its airforce up and guarding our major targets, washington and ny; how everyone is stocking up on water and duct tape. it's on the news right this moment. I've stocked up on canned goods, water and duct (well, packing, the clear kind) tape, toilet paper, shampoo and toothpaste, batteries and dog food.

we've gotten notification at work about what to do in the event of a biological attack, different symptoms to watch out for, different treatments for different poison-treatments. I took a copy of the letter and guidebook and brought it home.

its all too much, really. noone knows what might come, and its next to impossible to prepare if you dont know what to prepare for. and I'm on an island. anything that cripples Manhattan will leave us on long island stranded, with no connections to the mainland.

I'm torn between wanting to be prepared as possible & needing to push the thought away, to push the panic, the fear, away. Nothing much we can do anyway. ~sigh~

[nightfairy]

ok so I just find it weird that it happens like this every night. EVERY NIGHT for like my whole entire life. I go through the day, do whatever I do, and then inevitably I find myself here.

I KNOW it's the end of the day. I understand it's time for bed. I'm tired. My eyes are heavy. I know I can drop off in a moment, and that it will be pleasant, warm bed, comfy pillow. I fight it anyway.

I look for anything and everything that I can do to avoid going to bed. I enjoy sleep, but I'm not ready. Even when I know I have to be up in a few hours, work the whole day, and will feel like shit the whole day because I havent slept the night before. Yet still, I fight it.

I talk with friends online, I watch TV, I wander around the apartment doing... whatever. Getting clothes ready for the next day, tidying up the kitchen, rearranging the perfumes & makeup things in my bathroom. Anything, because I'm not ready to let go of this life. I'm not ready to surrender myself to the world where I am not in control. Where I may learn things about myself that maybe I dont want to face.

And here I am again. My head is pounding, my eyes heavy, nothings on TV, it's too late for a phone call... I could cry. I'm not ready to leave this world.

[nightfairy]

so I received my quarterly newsletter from my apartment complex. It seems that we have a "Peeping Tom" - some guy who's been seen lurking and, I guess, peeping, behind my building, and a few others.

So my first reaction, "Hmmm... sounds like something I would do..." ~hides binoculars~ Lol, so yeah, I have a knife that I sleep with next to my bed, a real one, not a kitchen knife, and I have the staff and the katana and several other miscellaneous peace keepers around, and I'm super careful about locking doors anyway. But now I find myself wanting to peek out in the night, to see this mysterious stranger.

LOL it's terrible really but it's just cause they called him the "Peeping Tom", like not a burgler or a lurker, who can be afraid of a Peeping Tom. Really. :rolleyes: Stupid semantics.

[nightfairy]

ok so for the record, I abhor social protocol. I hate it. I tend to ignore it. Not to say that I'm not polite, cause I am, but I wont do stuff because its the thing you do.

For example, if you're uncle just died, I wont tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Not unless I think you want to talk about it, or you bring it up yourself. Because when my uncle died, I really didnt want to talk about it, and everyone kept coming up and asking if I was ok and how sorry they were and it just made me almost cry each and every time.

so yeah, I dunno, stuff like that. So if you ever think I'm being rude about anything, just call me on it, please. Just be like, hey, NF, what's your damage? and I'll tell you. cause, you know, I know how I am.

[nightfairy]

oh, soooo many, many sleepless nights. I dont know if I'm making any less sense lately, altho I suspect at the least that things are making less sense to me.

Lets see... Friday night just fucked my whole timesense up completely. All this after a week where I was averaging 3-4 hours sleep a night. I crashed at a friends for a couple hours, then got home around 10am Saturday. I stayed up for a bit, but it was one of those hangovers that just gets worse as the day progresses, no matter how much water you drink or how much advil you take, so eventually I went for a nap around 2pm. I woke up at 10pm and then of course was up till4am. so of course I slept till 3 on sunday afternoon, then had a killer headache cause I slept too long. so I was feeling icky & up till 3, then I had to get up at 6 to get into work early this morning.

Of course, work was total anarchy & chaos all day, which was kind of good cause I was all amped on adrenalyn all day, then I had to come home, do laundry, food shopping, and now here I am and I have no idea where my head is at. I've got absolutely no filter on my ideas at all, not where they come from, nor where they're headed. It's 10:15. I should go to bed. Ugh, the laundry still needs to be put away and I'm addicted to this blasted card game: http://www.shockwave.com/sw/content/houseofcards

[nightfairy]

~is still hopelessly addicted to the internet... and that card game~

it's kind of sad when you do something not particularly spectacular for a living and you get to this point where things happen, work things, and you just find them so exiciting that it makes you feel like a big loser, hehe.

in (very, very) brief, at work they're buying a new building, getting new billing software, expanding the practice, developing an actual billing dept, which may eventually become it's own billing company, and they want me to head it. It's a big step, when I'm still cleaning up years of mess in the receivables, but I'm a bit psyched. :) well, it's a big step for the business, not for me. I've been prepared for this for a long time now. ;)